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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Monday, September 17, 2012

What's a mother to do??

So most of you know my ongoing saga. Every morning it's the same thing. Will they or won't they? Did they get up? Are they still in bed? Have 15 & 12 made the school bus today? Or is Teri in a bad mood again? Since the beginning of middle school, when the buses come an hour and a half earlier than they used to when 15 & 12 were in elementary school, I've been fighting a losing battle. The battle of the bus. Cue the John Williams soundtrack and imagine me, in my ninja suit, standing in the middle of my subdivision fighting the evil forces of the big yellow bus?

Ninja vs. School bus. I win!!! I wish.

No. Picture instead, me in my jammies standing at the foot of 15's bed nagging at her to get up. Then picture me heading into 12's room and nagging HER to get up. This would be 6:05. And then 6:10. Then I go downstairs to channel my inner Chef Bobby Flay as I whip together a gourmet PB&J for lunch. Then at 6:20 I head back upstairs again, to ONCE AGAIN try to rouse my sleeping babies.

If they were this adorable, I wouldn't be a screaming mess.

This is a daily occurrence, a battle I'm growing ever-weary of fighting. And yet, I carry on, knowing that one day, my children will be out of my house and leading their own lives and mom won't be there to get their lazy asses out of bed. I just have to pray they will be able to make it to college classes on time without me there to nag them into awakeness. I am NOT helicopter mom. I am NOT sweet, kind, nurturing mom. By 6:35 I'm screaming bitchy mom, pissed off that my kids can't get to bed early when I nag them at night to go to bed.

Not really a blonde but really DO rip out my hair.

They are up in their rooms by 9:45 or 10:00 at night and then I go into my own bed, hoping that everyone will soon be dreaming of happy wake ups, and when I get up to pee at midnight, which I am apt to do most nights, 15 is farting around in the bathroom and 12 is in her room going over the latest Bop pull out poster of Niall Horan (the blond Irish boy from One Direction, stay with me). REALLY??? Here is where I get mad at them. Here is where I start threatening. But the threats fall on deaf ears. Because, of course, they know better than I do that they'll get up in the morning when I want them to get up. Silly me for even THINKING they'll give me a problem in the morning. What kind of cranky bitch-ass mom am I? These are my darling children, they'd never lie, they'll go right to sleep and wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed for me in the morning and make time for breakfast and make it on the school bus on time. And then unicorns being ridden by fairies and soft, fluffy bunnies will come flying out of my ass.

And then the alarm goes off. And the frustration starts. I've tried pouring water on them to get them out of bed (ooooh how they hate that and, in turn, they hate ME for doing that. Puts 'em in a pissy mood every time!). I've tried using an air horn. The dogs are useless because they jump on the beds, try to kiss the girls awake, the girls pull covers over their heads and the dogs give up. The girls are just too tired to get up.

Now, I hear great tips, wonderful advice from my friends all the time: Let them walk to school, let them ride their bike to school, let the miss school. But here's the downside to all of those great ideas. It's just not always possible. 15's school is 11 miles away on twisty, windy country roads with no shoulders. She'd start walking to school and get hit by a tractor or a deer and I'd miss her very much. 12 actually CAN walk to school but we have no sidewalks for this walk so she's walking in traffic.  If my kids have 5 unexcused absences in one marking period, the STATE will take my ass to court. Not my kids, they're off scott free, but MY ass gets hauled to court. I must be an awful mother if I can't get my children to school on time each day.

Is there any wonder these folks have become my new bestest buddies?

They KNOW that mom is there to drive them, to fall back on should they miss the bus (should they? 15's missed the damn bus more than she's made it and we're not even out of effing September yet!) They know I'm their backup. And yes, I'm guilty of being their backup. But what else am I going to do? Get taken to court for not taking them to school?

So I open the floor for suggestions. Please don't offer silly suggestion, like 'oh you should run away!' because I've already tried that. They found me and dragged me back. And please don't say 'Don't drive them, let them walk', because, well, see that paragraph above the booze. I'm looking for new, refreshing ideas. I've charged them money, and now they're broke. I've taken away phone, television priviledges, computer time, HOMECOMING, grounded them. If anyone suggests REWARDING them for making the bus, please send me money to pay them.

Seriously, people, what would you do? Anyone have any fresh, scathingly brilliant ideas that haven't been brought up before? Anyone?

20 comments:

  1. Hmm....*puts on evil mom hat*

    I assume they get an allowance of some sort? If so tell them that for every time you have to drive them to school, you're taking some of their allowance away, because God knows gas is expensive these days.

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    1. No, they don't actually have a set, scheduled allowance but I may just start doing that to TAKE IT AWAY! :)

      Thanks,
      Teri

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  2. When someone gives you a solution, please share! I sent boy spawn in his jammies a few weeks ago, he is my issue. Wont get up for the life of himself on school days. On weekends, first one up and ready. I yell, I use water, his sister yells, I cuss, I wish I could drink in the morning and nothing.

    Luckily he is still little and I can carry out my threats. Today was another morning in tears. His, not mine.

    At his dads, he is up and ready to go.....

    He hates me....

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    1. What's his dad do differently than you, Jules?

      Teri

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  3. What about starting the week out WITHOUT any privileges at all, phone, computer, etc. and each time they make the bus on time, that allows them to earn the right to use said privileges. Instead of taking them away when they don't make it.

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  4. I feel your pain. I have 14, 14, 10 and 5. And yellow school busses dont exist, and school is like 20 miles away... I too am the bitchy mom, there are no pancakes and protein shakes awaiting them when they get out of bed, and if they piss me off before I have coffee, the ride to school is them listening to me...rant and rave and bitch and moan. If they ruin my day - I am ruining theirs.

    Okay - Here are my ideas.

    First thing. Plan a meeting. No bitchy mom here, bake cookies if you have to. The fact that you are cool calm and collective will scare the shit out of them.

    Then explain DA RULES!

    If they dont get up in the morning - YOU WILL PICK OUT THEIR SCHOOL CLOTHES. No ifs ands or butts. Make them sleep in the clothes you pick out if you have to. (Consider having a really dorky t-shirt made). I have done this, and have piled all of their favorite clothes in a trash bag 'to earn bag' until my daughters complied. And let me tell ya, it worked. They really hated ME picking out their school clothes.

    There will be no bathroom time - or primping time before school....

    If they miss the bus, they will also miss extracurricular activities that day, regardless if it is a game or competition - and they will apologize to their team for not being sportsmanlike and being responsible.

    Once, I didnt allow my girls to take a shower the night before school because they fought over the straightening iron at 605am, and it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. They were not happy, and I stuck to it. They also were not allowed to 'fix' their hair with said straightener for an entire week.

    You could try spiking their drinks at night with benadryl -

    Make them sleep in the car....

    Start waking them up at 5am - In fact, change all the clocks in your home so they dont really know what time it is. This way, they will think they are late....and will be ready on time for the bus.

    Yea - Dont reward them for making the bus. They are too old for that.

    Maybe some of this helps!


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    1. I have thrown down the gauntlet about morning showers. They no longer exist in my house. "But what about my hair?"

      "I no longer give a flying fu** about your hair because you don't give a fu** about my feelings".

      So no more showering in the mornings. Period.

      Hubby gets the oldest one up at 5:00 now. USED to get her up at 4:30 before he'd leave for work. That sorta worked. But now that there will be no morning shower, if she's up at 5:00 and wants to straighten her hair, so be it, but at 6;30 that flat iron is getting shut off and put back in MY room (it's my flat iron). I took that away from her for a long time last year. She no longer has her phone. She will soon have her FB and Twitter accounts deactivated, and if she misses the bus between tomorrow and Sept. 28 she can forget any chance of going to the homecoming dance (which she DESPERATELY wants to attend).

      Thanks for the suggestions!!

      Teri

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    2. Hey Stef! You've got your hands full with all those non-bus riding kids! I definitely think they are too old to get rewards for making the bus, but a long term goal isn't out of the question. Want to get some new clothes? Make the bus. Wanna go to that dance? MAKE the BUS!!

      Thanks!!

      Teri

      Delete
  5. My husband has told me that his ex-wife used to keep marbles in the freezer and when their son wouldn't wake up in the mornings, she would put the frozen marbles in bed with him. Much better than water because they can't roll away from it and it doesn't create more laundry for you (hopefully). I like this Anonymous idea of starting with NO privileges and gaining them as they successfully make the bus. I would also maybe take a more iron fist at nighttime. I, too, let my teenager dictate his own bedtime. I tell him that all electronics need to be off at 11:00 pm. No laptop, no computer, no PSP, no cell phone. I'm not usually awake to check this out, and I'm sure he stretches this frequently, but I have no trouble waking him up in the morning. He's up at 6:30 and out the door at 6:47 walking the 10th of a mile to school. But if yours are not getting up on time, then I'm afraid it's time for Mean Mommy to strike at night ;). What is their absolute favorite thing to do that would really just hit them where it hurts if you didn't let them?

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    1. That's a scathingly brilliant idea!! And I do have marbles at home!!

      For 15, her ultimate goal at this point is the Homecoming dance and shopping for new clothes. She has "no clothes that fit!" anymore and I'm to the point where I don't care. And if she truly wants to go to Homecoming, she'll make a concentrated effort every day to make that bus.

      Thanks!

      Teri

      Delete
    2. Well, you could make the shopping Goodwill or the mall depending on her choices in the mornings and at bedtime too!

      Delete
  6. I think if they miss the bus you should put on a completely embarrassing outfit and walk them to their home room class, kiss them goodbye and say hi to all their friends

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    1. LOL there is a website called wavetothebus.com where a father would dress up in a different costume everyday and wave to his kid's bus as it came though his neighborhood for the second time each day. I could totally see making 15 wear something ridiculous to school and me walking in holding her hand and embarrassing the crap out of her.

      Thanks, Annemarie!

      Teri

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  7. Taking a page from my mother's playbook, a combination of the absolute fear of God and public humiliation IS the way to go! I always knew not to fu** with my mom- you just didn't cross the woman and live to tell the tale. My brother wasn't quite so smart. He honestly thought, if he dragged ass in the mornings and midded the bus, she'd just continue to take him to school. This wasn't the case! She'd do the initial wake up and then follow up with a second round, but when she got sick of it, she was DONE!

    As I tell you this, keep in mind my mom is tiny and my brother is enormous: One Monday morning, she'd done the standard two wake up warnings then just sat back until five minutes before the bus was due. At that point, she walked into his room and pulled the best Marine Corps, Parris Island Drill Instructor impression I've ever seen! She started by throwing an entire bucket of water on him in his bed. Once she shot up sputtering and coughing, she unleashed a very loud torrent of profanity laced instruction, hustling him to the curb in less than the five minutes left before the bus arrived! She was past the point of caring that his hair was wet, his teeth weren't brushed, he didn't have lunch, and he looked like sh*t on a stick!

    In less than a week, she made it VERY clear that it was time to get up and take some responsibility for himself. An added reinforcement to the lesson was leaving his wet bed for him to dry and deal with that afternoon.

    This lesson worked equally as well on my step-daughter as a teenager! Good luck!


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    1. I've got the torrent of profanity down pat! Thanks for sharing your story, this may come in handy in the future!

      Teri

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  8. I like Anonymous' idea of starting the week at "zero" and making them spend their week earning their privileges too. I totally agree with ALL the "take everything away and make them earn it back" ideas!

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  9. I LOVE all of these ideas!!! I'm having the same issues with my oldest too!! Only she doesn't ride the bus. I drop off and pick up back and forth from work, but lately I've been getting to work later and later. I told her last night that if she didn't start respecting my time and the fact that if I don't get to work on time it costs ME money, than she was gonna have to start riding the bus home so I could work late to make up for being late. It worked this morning...ask me again tomorrow. I LOVE the marbles and the picking out their clothes idea!!!

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    1. Giggles, yesterday she calls me from school at 3:30 to come pick her up. Now here's the thing. She's either got band or cross country everyday after school so she should be at one practice or the other. But she did not go to either but instead made up a test that she missed. And then had no way to get home from school.

      So now I have to take time out of my work day, drive over to the school and cart her ass back home and go BACK to work. I swear to God, the Earth doesn't revolve around the sun, the universe revolves around 15. Makes me wanna SCREAM!!!

      Teri

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    2. NazicrackhorunningwhackjobSeptember 19, 2012 at 12:32 PM

      OK here it goes...I have been through all of this and witnessed it for how many years?? Let me start by saying you have 2 amazing daughters. They both are very smart academically and athletically. They are outstanding teens in the community.
      I really think there are a lot of difference in our generations. We RESPECTED our parents and that was that...
      They do not respect anything that you are saying to them basically...I am being hard core here...They do not RESPECT you. They really don't care because they know you are going to take them to the bus. I am not talking about LOVE...I am tlaking about RESPECT. First of all there would be NO dance for Jenn period...even if she makes the bus the next month.
      I will have to say whenever I did not listen to my mom...woooweee it better be something really really good because you did not cross her and believe me my friends will atest to this. They were afraid of my Mom but they love her and totally respect her.
      Jenn is a very smart young lady and she knows how to push your buttons in everyway and Amanda is learning that if Jenn gets away with it then she too will get away with it.
      I know they both love their sports and their extra curricular activites and that my friend is where it WILL hurt them. I know it has it's disadvantages to take them away as we have spoken about it before but until they learn RESPECT MY MOTHER then hit them where it hurts and counts.
      Get back to the gym every morning like you did last year and if they are still at home when you get home tough crap. If they miss school so many times...NO sports and YES you may get called before the JUDGE...so take your chances. While you sit before the JUDGE you can take all of us as witnesses that you have tried everything beside beating the f$@# out of them which would only leave you in jail with "Betty the Bitch" and you would not win "Mother of The Year" award for sure and I know you don't want to hurt them that way ever so I am being a lil SNARKY here. (insert evil don't care laugh) JK BUT!!! you have got to stand strong and let them know you mean business. Better yet I am sure the JUDGE will have a nice little chat with them about truancy and maybe they will get SCARED STRAIGHT...
      I am a gambling kinda gal so I would have to say it will take them about 3 times not making school with an unexcused absence and they can't play soccer or band or XC ( by the way I would talk to the coaches and tell them your plan of action bc of their behavior)and then we shall see who RESPECTS who...
      You know me I don't like to stick my nose in your bees wax but enough is enough. You got to have a full Mom and Dad front...Demand your RESPECT!!! Love ya bunches and you know I am only "living out loud" LOL with my Bestie... yes I hit the publish button...eeekk.

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    3. I totally respect your words Lisa, truly I do. Maybe I should let THEM read it so they can see that from a different perspective other than mine and their own, they'll see that others see how poorly they treat us.

      Thanks!

      Teri

      Delete

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