|Ninja vs. School bus. I win!!! I wish.|
No. Picture instead, me in my jammies standing at the foot of 15's bed nagging at her to get up. Then picture me heading into 12's room and nagging HER to get up. This would be 6:05. And then 6:10. Then I go downstairs to channel my inner Chef Bobby Flay as I whip together a gourmet PB&J for lunch. Then at 6:20 I head back upstairs again, to ONCE AGAIN try to rouse my sleeping babies.
|If they were this adorable, I wouldn't be a screaming mess.|
This is a daily occurrence, a battle I'm growing ever-weary of fighting. And yet, I carry on, knowing that one day, my children will be out of my house and leading their own lives and mom won't be there to get their lazy asses out of bed. I just have to pray they will be able to make it to college classes on time without me there to nag them into awakeness. I am NOT helicopter mom. I am NOT sweet, kind, nurturing mom. By 6:35 I'm screaming bitchy mom, pissed off that my kids can't get to bed early when I nag them at night to go to bed.
|Not really a blonde but really DO rip out my hair.|
They are up in their rooms by 9:45 or 10:00 at night and then I go into my own bed, hoping that everyone will soon be dreaming of happy wake ups, and when I get up to pee at midnight, which I am apt to do most nights, 15 is farting around in the bathroom and 12 is in her room going over the latest Bop pull out poster of Niall Horan (the blond Irish boy from One Direction, stay with me). REALLY??? Here is where I get mad at them. Here is where I start threatening. But the threats fall on deaf ears. Because, of course, they know better than I do that they'll get up in the morning when I want them to get up. Silly me for even THINKING they'll give me a problem in the morning. What kind of cranky bitch-ass mom am I? These are my darling children, they'd never lie, they'll go right to sleep and wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed for me in the morning and make time for breakfast and make it on the school bus on time. And then unicorns being ridden by fairies and soft, fluffy bunnies will come flying out of my ass.
And then the alarm goes off. And the frustration starts. I've tried pouring water on them to get them out of bed (ooooh how they hate that and, in turn, they hate ME for doing that. Puts 'em in a pissy mood every time!). I've tried using an air horn. The dogs are useless because they jump on the beds, try to kiss the girls awake, the girls pull covers over their heads and the dogs give up. The girls are just too tired to get up.
Now, I hear great tips, wonderful advice from my friends all the time: Let them walk to school, let them ride their bike to school, let the miss school. But here's the downside to all of those great ideas. It's just not always possible. 15's school is 11 miles away on twisty, windy country roads with no shoulders. She'd start walking to school and get hit by a tractor or a deer and I'd miss her very much. 12 actually CAN walk to school but we have no sidewalks for this walk so she's walking in traffic. If my kids have 5 unexcused absences in one marking period, the STATE will take my ass to court. Not my kids, they're off scott free, but MY ass gets hauled to court. I must be an awful mother if I can't get my children to school on time each day.
|Is there any wonder these folks have become my new bestest buddies?|
So I open the floor for suggestions. Please don't offer silly suggestion, like 'oh you should run away!' because I've already tried that. They found me and dragged me back. And please don't say 'Don't drive them, let them walk', because, well, see that paragraph above the booze. I'm looking for new, refreshing ideas. I've charged them money, and now they're broke. I've taken away phone, television priviledges, computer time, HOMECOMING, grounded them. If anyone suggests REWARDING them for making the bus, please send me money to pay them.
Seriously, people, what would you do? Anyone have any fresh, scathingly brilliant ideas that haven't been brought up before? Anyone?