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Friday, March 16, 2018

Colonoscopy. A story of hope, and poop. Mostly poop.



The day before:

8:00 a.m. The liquid diet day begins. I suck on a delicious orange popsicle while feeding the dogs, and I'm actually a little jealous that they are eating solid food. Not saying I want to eat dog food, just saying the orange popsicle left a little to be desired.

11:00 a.m. The caffeine-deprived headache has taken hold and I'm squinting at everything. You'd think I was sitting on the sun with how much I'm squinting. I miss coffee. Also, I'm cold.

12:00 p.m. I have just taken the recommended 4 laxative pills. My guess is, the fun should begin any minute now. I have knocked back 2 cups of beef broth that my boss made for me because she loves me. It was like manna from the gods. I chased that with a cup of pineapple jello. I'm not ready to gnaw on anyone's arm just yet. But it's early.

3:00 p.m. The stomach gods have awakened from their slumber. No movement yet but they must be in a meeting. Getting loud in there.

4:00 p.m. Just made my Miralax/Gatorade cocktail and I get to drink 8 ounces of this delicacy every 15 minutes for the next 2 hours. Jealous yet?

5:15 p.m. Nothing happening so far. I'm starting to wonder if I should be worried.

5:50 p.m. Houston, we have movement........

6:48 p.m. Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln.

7:04 p.m. I'm reminded of a story my old college roommate told me. She went to high school with a girl who tried to lose weight by eating Ex-Lax (old chocolate laxatives for you kids). One day she was in the locker room after gym class and she sneezed and shit herself.  I laughed when she told me that.

I'm not laughing now.

7:12 p.m.  poop
8:29 p.m.  poop
9:04 p.m.  more poop....... lather, rinse, repeat. Also, I'm starving.

10:45 p.m. I try to go to sleep and manage to successfully not shit my pajamas.

C-Day:

1:30 a.m. Back on the toilet

1:35 a.m. Back to sleep, still no pants pooping

5:30 a.m. My alarm goes off and it's time to drink my Magnesium Citrate which, at 5:30 in the morning, tastes twice as bad as it would have if I was drinking it at noon.

6:45 a.m. My alarm goes off again to make sure 18 gets off to school

6:46 a.m. poop

6:50 a.m. Back to sleep for 45 minutes

7:35 a.m. poop.

7:40 a.m. Have the pleasure of watching my husband drink coffee. Drool a lot. Then poop.

7:45 a.m. poop. Shower. poop.

8:15 a.m. On the road to Winchester for the big event! I manage to make the entire trip without pooping myself. BONUS!

9:30 a.m. I am called back, registered, checked in, given my beautiful designer hospital gown, got my IV, signed my life away and was called a 'young healthy gal' by the anesthesiologist who couldn't have been more than 33. Apparently 50 is the new 70. Who knew?

10:13 a.m. I am wheeled back to the scope room and get to meet the doctor who is also from Philly. We discuss the Eagles (who I haven't really followed since they signed convicted dog-killer and general jackass Michael Vick). We also discuss the 1980 Phillies team. I roll over onto my left side, and watch the young anesthesiologist shoot me full of the same drugs that Michael Jackson was addicted to. (I was told that fact by no less than 4 staff members. Had I known this, I would've worn my one silver glove). I remember nothing after watching the drugs go in.

11:05 a.m. I am gently roused from my nap by the lovely nurse who put in my IV. She and my husband are both laughing because apparently when I was first coming out of the anesthesia, I dropped the F bomb. Hubby said I said something like "Fucking Phillies" which makes no sense because I LOVE the Phillies. I blame the drugs and the young anesthesiologist. Maybe I MEANT to say "Phucking Phillies" which is much nicer.

11:40 a.m. Back in the car for the drive home. I want to eat ALL the foods. All of them.

Present time:  My butt hurts. A lot. But my colon is as clean as a whistle. I don't have to do this again for another 10 years.

On a serious note....

I have a friend who passed away 11 years ago from cancer. She battled colon cancer twice in her 30's and the third time she just couldn't beat it. If you have a history of colon cancer in your family, DO NOT WAIT. Go get your colonoscopy. Yes it's a pain in the ass (LITERALLY) but it's so worth it to get yourself checked and make sure you're clean.

One last thing. If this post made you laugh you should definitely check out my friend Foxy Wine Pocket's post about her own colonoscopy.


6 comments:

  1. I have had a mammogram, breast sonogram and a pelvic sonogram in the past week (yeah, I need to work on my social life), and this has made me super excited to turn 50 next year-colonoscopies are so much funnier! 😉

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    1. You're in for a treat! But at least you are taking your health seriously, which is awesome! I'll be visiting Dr. Boobysquish later this year I'm sure.

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  2. Wow. I did it 5-6 years ago and and the entire prep and process was so easy and painless that I almost felt (note the almost) like I'd missed an important milestone...

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    1. One key lesson that I learned the hard way: Invest in the best quality of TP money can buy! I think it would've been a little better on my end.

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  3. I finally got my 50-year exam eleven months late, in September of last year. All clear. Upon reflection, the worst part had to be saying hello to the surgeon and his nurses in the OR, who have the same view of every patient. Butts. All. Day. Long. These people are saints. :)

    (BTW, my read-ahead was Dave Barry's colonoscopy column from ten years ago, which made me giggle every time I saw a Space Shuttle launch thereafter: http://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html)

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    Replies
    1. I will admit the view must suck day in and day out. That Dave Barry piece is hilarious!! Glad you got the all clear.

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