Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 14. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Friday, September 19, 2014

How I Know It's Time for the Dog to Get a Haircut...

I have two wonderful rescued dogs. Henry and Cosmo are brothers who we adopted from a local no-kill shelter about 6 years ago and they’ve brought so much joy into our house that it’s hard to imagine what life was like for us before they came to live with us. They came from a litter of 7 and they all had names that started with “H”. Henry, Humphrey, Hogan, Hannah, Heidi, Hector and Huey. Henry is, for all intents and purposes, a Henry. He’s like a little old man, he does his own thing, he gives not a single crap. Cosmo (the former Huey) is the exact opposite. Cosmo is a pleaser, he lives to make you happy. And he’s a special kind of dog. If Cosmo was a human, he’d have to wear a helmet. He’s such a sweet dog, they both are, really. But Cozzie is just a special kind of special. He chases lights on the wall, he will stare at dust as it rises in the sunlight and bite the reflection of the doorknob from the bathroom door to the hallway wall. There is a permanent line of bite marks on the wall, because Coz just can’t get it that it’s a light and he’ll never, no matter how many times he bites it, ever catch it.
My Cosmo. Just look at that sweet face.

But I digress. Cosmo is my short-haired boy. Henry is my higher maintenance boy. He’s got some Golden Retriever in him, so he’s got long hairy legs, hairy ears, a giant hairy tail, tufts of hair between his toes, a big fuzzy ass and did I mention long hairy legs?

His Majesty, Sir Henry of the Couch

Good, because that’s key to the story. I try to brush him and keep him knot free, but that’s not always possible with the crazy life we lead. So there are times when the boy has some knots and I try to work them out without having to cut his fur. Last week was one of those times. The dogs had been outside after a rain storm, and when they came in, Henry did what he normally does. He sat next to me, and nudged my arm off the computer mouse until I pet him. So I’m rubbing his side, trying to make him shake that leg and I felt something in his long leg hair, something that didn’t quite belong there. ‘Must be a knot, he’s got a bunch’ I thought, as I watched Criminal Minds and tried to maneuver the hair around this spot so that the knot would work its way out. But it wasn’t working. The ‘knot’ just refused to loosen up. I thought I was going to have to get the scissors. And then I looked at the ‘knot’. Turns out, not so much a knot. More like an earthworm. Yes, you read that right, Henry had an earthworm stuck to his fur under his leg. I’m not squeamish at all, in fact, I actually started laughing at this predicament. I asked my oldest to get a tissue as I struggled to get the earthworm to sit still, while trying to get Henry to sit still. A squiggly worm on a long haired dog, and neither will sit still. This ought to be fun! So I grabbed the tissue and lost the worm. Sounds like a horrible tequila induced nightmare, doesn’t it? I tried to get Henry to lie down on his side so I could get a clearer view of his underarm hair and try to find the elusive worm. But Henry would have none of it and I continued to struggle to find the worm. Thank goodness he’s a tan dog and not a darker red color like his brother Humphrey. I’d NEVER find an earthworm on a red dog.

After a good 5 minutes of searching and trying to keep Henry still, I found the earthworm and pulled. Guess what. Now we had 2 earthworms. My oldest was COMPLETELY grossed out at the half an earthworm, now squiggling around on the tissue, while I tried to capture the OTHER half of the now much shorter earthworm that was squiggling around in Henry’s hairy armpit.  Cue the Benny Hill music. Henry was struggling to get me out of his pit, oldest daughter was gagging over the two halves of an earthworm, both sides dancing the Macarena, husband and youngest child were laughing at me and Cosmo was chasing dust mites he saw glowing in the family room light. If Henry would just hold still, the dust mites would settle down and that would be one less thing to deal with. All I needed at that point was for the cat to come in and hack up a hairball. My night would be complete.

All good stories have a happy ending, and this one is no different. The cat didn’t hack, Cosmo didn’t catch any dust mites, Henry finally settled down long enough for me to catch the other end of that little bugger, and we went back to Criminal Minds. But we did have a good, hearty laugh at Henry and his little Wormy buddy. We’re taking Henry to the groomer on Monday.  

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Blog Tag (or why I hate Dumbass News)

I don't really hate Toby, the Fearless Leader of Real Dumbass News but he tagged me in this shit and I either have to comply or become a Republican, so I really have no choice. So here goes. The deal is, I have to answer 11 questions he pulled out of his ass came up with, then tag some other hapless victims bloggers to participate. If they choose not to join in this stupid fun thing, I get to mock and ridicule them relentlessly until they quit the internet and become fishermen on the vast Bering Sea. I also have to post rules because rules.

1. Post these rules. (check)
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. (eleven? Really?)
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Me. At a Duran Duran show in CT. Don't ask about the horns.

Here are 11 random facts about me because you care. Shut up, I know you do.
1.  My brother Billy is a firefighter whom I idolize.
2.  My cat, also named Dumbass, just celebrated her 13th birthday. We didn't sing to her.
3.  She's pissed that we didn't sing to her (random fact about Dumbass, not really about me)
4.  I've struggled with my weight all my life. Running is the only thing that takes it off and keeps it off. I don't run enough.
5.  I hate posting random facts about myself. I'm not really all that interesting.
6.  I have a small crush on Drew Carey. I don't know why, he's not all that attractive but he's funny as hell.
7.  I'm having a hard time coming up with more random facts about me.
8.  I hated science and math in school. To this day I still hate math and science.
9.  I have a bunion on each foot. I had one surgically removed in high school. It came back. Bastard.
10. Seriously? I still have one more to make up? Shit.
11. I won the Nobel Prize for Snark in 1986.

Now for the 11 questions Toby came up with for me:
1.  Baseball or Football? 
          Baseball, what kind of no-brainer question is that? 
2.  Place you'd like to live other than where you live right now?
          If it wasn't so goddamn expensive I'd live in Hawaii. But it is. Florida has too many bugs. I'll 
          go with Hawaii, assuming I win the lottery (if I ever played the lottery). Yeah. Hawaii.
3.  Are you a nose picker?
          What the hell kind of question is that? Seriously, Redneck? Nothing more original? Like do I
          pick wedgies out of my butt in public? Come on, you can do better than that. 
4.  Would you rather be in politics or have a nasty case of the flu for 2 years?
          FLU all the way baby. Politics will kill you.
5.  Taco Bell or McDonalds?
          Taco Bell AND McDonalds will ALSO kill you, probably faster than politics. Going with Panera
6.  Would you rather spend summer in Texas or winter in Northern Canada?
          Did you know that I'm allergic to Canadian geese, mooses (meese?) and Molsen? I'mma have
          to go with Texas because two of my very good friends recently moved there and they have A/C
7.  If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?
          Probably would've deleted the email from Toby and not had to complete this stupid activity
8.  If you could write a new law, what would it be?
          I'd create a law that ALL child sex offenders would have their genitals, hands and feet 
          removed and they'd be required to be lobotomized so they'd be drooling vegetables with 
9.  Kids or pets?
          You are completely out of ideas, aren't you Toby? I have both. Too late to go back and 
          make those decisions over again. Besides, I like them both. (both the dogs AND the kids).
10. Weirdest clothes you've ever worn?
          I once dressed as a pregnant nun for a Halloween party my old roommate and I threw. I'm
          surprised I wasn't struck by lightning that night. Pregnant nun drinking booze. SCANDALOUS!
11. Would you go streaking at a public event for $10,000?
          Trust me, people would pay me $10,000 to put my damn clothes back on. I'mma say NO.

And now for the 11 questions I'm pulling out of my ass making up for the next bloggers to answer:
1.  How do you feel about Toby from Real Dumbass News? He's a dipshit, right?
2.  How often do you change the sheets on your bed?
3.  What are your top 5 favorite blogs to read? (answer this carefully.......) :)
4.  Why did you decide to start blogging?
5.  If you could capture the attention of ANYONE in the world with your blog, who would it be?
6.  If you could sit down and have a cup of coffee/tea/booze with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
7.  George Clooney or Brad Pitt?
8.  Who is the most famous person you've ever actually met and did you act like a complete moron 
      meeting them or were you completely cool and composed? (liar)
9.   Who is your girl crush?
10. What's the very first thing you'd buy if you hit the lottery and won $57 million?
11. What's MOST favorite word and your LEAST favorite word in all of the English language?

Alright, now it's my turn to piss off 4 of my very favorite bloggers who will end up hating me and making up random shit about me on The Google: The Pursuit of Normal, Big Top Family, Foxy Wine Pocket and Comfytown Chronicles, TAG!!! You're it!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

To tip or not to tip?

I've done my share of traveling. I am NOT, by ANY means, a world traveling globe-trotter, but I have stayed many a night in a hotel room. And I have discovered over the years that not many people know that it is customary to tip your guest room attendant, aka housekeeping, aka chambermaid. And I was kind of disappointed to hear that.

See, when I was growing up in Wildwood, NJ my mom had several jobs, one of which was a chambermaid. If you don't know what that means, I'll 'splain. A chambermaid is the person who comes into your hotel room while you're not there and makes your bed, vacuums your carpet, cleans the bathroom, changes out your wet towels for clean, dry towels, and generally makes your room pretty again (so you can come back in after a long day and trash it again). And they don't make a whole hell of a lot of money.

I just read this article on AOL and it got me thinking about this. It's a campaign by Marriott where they leave envelopes in the room to bring attention to the fact that the chambermaids are cleaning up after you and they deserve a little tip. $1-$5 per night is what they recommend, more if you're rich and staying in a higher end place. I think it's a FANTASTIC campaign because I don't believe these hard working women (and yes the majority of chambermaids are women) earn enough with the amount of work that they do. My mom would come home with stories of cleaning up blood, puke, crap, booze and other horrific stuff I don't even want to get into.

I'd like to know what YOU guys think. Do you tip when you stay in a hotel? Were you aware that it's customary to do so? Do you think they deserve it? Why or why not?

Next time you're in a hotel and you leave that towel on the floor, remember my mom. She'd have to bend over and pick it up. She'd have to clean up after you. Tip these folks. Do it for my mom.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Phones that die make me sad...

Hey Snarklings! Know what my kids got for Christmas last year? They each received a portable charger for their smart phones. Are you kidding me? They MAKE THOSE?? Holy crap, who knew? And what an awesome idea for when you're out and about and don't have a phone charger lying around when your smart phone craps the bed.

School's back in now, and life has once again gone crazy. Between working full time, kid's homework, after-school clubs and sports, band, volleyball, concessions...the list goes on and on! Even the most organized Mom (well, not so much ME, but other Moms who ARE organized) will tell you things can change at the last minute, and Moms of all people can't afford to run out of power...we mean for your phone or tablet, of course!

myCharge knows how important it is for you to stay charged and connected all day - and all school year - long, so they're giving the gift of portable power so you're never left in the red! To keep you charged and connected myCharge is giving 3 lucky winners each an iPad mini with a myCharge HUB 6000 portable charger! The amazingly compact Hub 6000 features built-in cables and connectors for smartphones, tablets, e-readers and more. Get up to 27 hours of additional talk time for your devices, as well as integrated, quick-charge wall prongs. The Hub series is commonly known as the “Swiss Army Knife of portable power devices.

Additionally, 40 winners will each receive an Energy Shot compact portable charger for their smartphones that delivers an additional boost when you need it most. They come in a variety of styles and can give you up to 10 hours of talk time! (Please note, smart phone not included in giveaway).

Moms are usually the crazy busy knuckleheads running around this time of year, but you DON'T have to be a Mom to win one of these bad boys! Dads, cousins, grandmas, Uncle Herb, single folks, sasquatches, you're all welcomed to enter to win (provided you follow all those rules down below)!

So Snarklings, stay out of the red this school year! myCharge is here to keep you charged and connected! For more information on products visit the myCharge website or follow them on Facebook. You can find myCharge products available at retailers such as Target and Kohl's.

Fill out the entry form below September 15, 2014 - October 15, 2014 for your chance to be one of 40 winners to receive an Energy Shot Charger (10 winners randomly selected each week) and one of 3 grand prize winners randomly selected on October 15, 2014 to receive one iPad Mini with a myCharge HUB 6000 portable charger. Entrants must be at least 18 years of age or older, must live in the United States and have a valid shipping address. See giveaway form for complete list of rules and details. a Rafflecopter giveaway This is a sponsored post from myCharge.

Friday, September 12, 2014

So there's this band...

Maybe you've heard of them? They're the Jefferson High School Cougar Marching Band, and they are awesome. And I'm lucky enough this year to have not one but TWO daughters in this band. How cool is that??

17 is my senior trumpet player, and 14 is my alto sax player. 14's been ready to march in this band since she was, like, born. Seriously. Because this band is the best in the state of WV. One of the largest competing marching bands in WV, they were crowned State Champions last year in competition. Don't believe me? Watch this. Here's just a bit of background on this performance: it was POURING DOWN RAINING and they gave their best performance of the season at this competition. No lie, it was iffy as to whether or not they'd even go on because of the weather. There was a break in the storm and they marched onto the field proudly. They had just begun to perform when the skies opened up once again and drenched them. They marched through the gales and kicked some serious ass.

Storms of Africa

Video courtesy of Vox Domini Channel - Youtube.com

Ok, so those 4 people in the front with the umbrellas? That's us, me, hubby, 14 and her bestie Hannah Banana. Just for the record, at 5:22 that's 17's little solo. And yes, that's me screaming right afterwards. You can hear me screaming A LOT in this video. And at 9:35? That's the 'company front' and I swear to God I get chills every single time I watch it. You hear me scream doubly loud after the company front. Yes, I'm a goober but also a damn proud mom.

That's my girl!

My point (and yes, I am getting to it) is that this band continues to increase in size (145 when 17 was a freshman, currently 172) and there seems to be no end in sight. We always say it, every year, that it takes a village to move this band. We are required to have 1 chaperone for every 10 students on trips, we require 4 buses PLUS 2 trucks to move all the equipment. It's crazy. But we LOVE it and we wouldn't have it any other way. When it comes to marching bands, "SIZE MATTERS".

This year's show is Romeo and Juliet: Undead. I've seen some of the rehearsals and it sounds like it's going to be fantastic. Both my girls are so stoked about it. I, however, will not watch a single halftime performance, because I work in the concessions stand at every home football game. Lucky for me and for the rest of the dedicated parents who work every Friday night home game, we do get to see our kids perform at band competitions, like the one in that video. It's really special for us, because we are so unbelievably proud of these kids and the hard work they put in all year to perfect their show. 

They're going to Disney!!

So why do I work in concessions instead of sitting in the stands watching? Because marching band ain't cheap, my friends. No sir. Band fees, instrument maintenance, band camp (no American Pie jokes please), and this year, "We're going to Disney World!" That's right, every 4 years, the band does one major trip, and how excited am I that it falls on a year when BOTH my girls are in the band? I'm freaking tickled. Seriously. But like I said, it ain't cheap. And by working in the concessions stand, we get a small percentage of the evening's profit, so we work to offset the cost of things. This year I'm thinking of taking a part-time job, but sadly, the only skills I have are blogging and wrapping up hot dogs. Any and all donations are accepted.

Know anyone hiring a hot dog wrapping blogger?

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Dropping my pants...

You know the old saying what goes around comes around? Well guess what. It came around. And it bit me. For years I've mocked my neighbor, poking fun at her for her hot flashes, her house so cold you could hang meat in there. And then I started getting hot flashes. And for years I mocked those "Depends" commercials. Bladder control issues. BAH. Ridiculous. Who pees themselves?

Then I received an email asking if I'd be interested in a paid, sponsored campaign for Depend (no S, can you believe it? All this time I've been mocking it and I'M the one who's the dumbass for spelling it wrong.) AGAIN I mocked. Like I need to worry about bladder control. The lead in was something like "Did you know that an assload of Americans suffer from bladder control issues, and did you know that a buttload are under age 35?" I thought, wow, sucks to be them, and moved on to the next email. I'm nothing if not overly confidant in my snark, right.

So last week I was sick with a vicious cough. I mean sick to the point where I took off work and lay in bed and coughed from Friday to Monday. And while standing in the kitchen Sunday evening, I coughed so hard I peed a little. Nah, I thought, not karma. Not me. After a quick cleanup and change, I went about my Sunday night business, coughing all the way.

Flash forward to Monday morning. I was sitting at my computer and again, took a coughing fit so hard, I peed a little again. I looked over at my husband and said: "I think I was a little too quick to judge. Maybe I'd better check that email again." To which he responded something about getting me some Geritol and a new battery for my hearing aid. Bastard.

And now I'm readily admitting (albeit begrudgingly) that I jumped to an all-too-common conclusion: That only old people need Depend. Well guess what (yeah, I'm making you do a lot of guessing). I'm only 47 and have peed myself twice within two days' time. So my apologies, Depend, and to make up for my mocking, I'm sharing with you, my favorite Snarklings, the #DropYourPants for #Underwareness Campaign. It's about dropping the stigma of bladder control probs. A stigma that just last week I helped contribute to. Sorry, my bad.

Upon further investigation, turns out Depend isn't actually a big, bulky adult diaper. Nope, turns out they've streamlined these suckers, with more Lycra so they fit closer to the body and don't hang off you like this:

Image courtesy: Morguefile.com

And, to make it more interesting, this #DropYourPants for #Underwareness Campaign they've got going is going to raise some cash for some cool charities. Check out their website to learn more about the charities that Depend will donate $1 to for every photo shared or tweet or Instagram tagged with #DropYourPants  or #Underwareness to these charities, up to $3 million clams over the next 3 years.

Don't believe me about the fit? Get your own sample by clicking here. That's what you get for not believing me. So you'll see me tweeting about #DropYourPants and #Underwareness so that Depend will donate a few dollars. If you want to, you can do the same. Or take a pic with your pants around your ankles. Not like anyone will know it's you. Tag the pic with #DropYourPants and #Underwareness and post it. The bladder you save just may be your own. Don't mock. I learned the hard way.

This post was sponsored by Depend, and yes I was paid just a little for writing it, but the comments and opinions are all my own. Like they'd want me to tell you how I mocked them before I peed myself?

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Wanna read an awesomely hilarious book?

Today's the day!!! I'm very excited to let you all know that Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat is releasing her latest book, Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots and Other Suburban Scourges! I was lucky enough to get an advanced copy ('cause I'm special like that) and I gotta tell ya, I LOVED this book.

Photo courtesy: People I Want to Punch in the Throat
The book starts out with the story of how Jen met her husband, 'The Hubs' (here's a hint, she got all dolled up in her best farmer duds for the occasion), and then moves on to topics that made me shake my head in agreement on every page. From the competition to be 'room mom' to helping out at different tables at the school's fair, Jen proves how douchey parents can really be. We all know the assbag moms, the one uppers, the ones who have to be the big cheeses, and we all know they're assbags. Jen just has the balls to come out and say it.

Her love for her cleaning lady was heartwarming (if you could call it that), a sort of girl meets cleaning lady, girl loses cleaning lady, cleaning lady rushes back into girl's arms. LOVED that.

Her tales of going to parties, TOY parties (wink wink, nudge nudge) cracked me up. Her talk of breastfeeding made me jump up and go "ME TOO!!" And when she got stuck in the carpool lane at school in fuzzy pajamas and couldn't leave the car, despite her son being missing, I lost it. This book is totally relatable, and totally hilarious.

I love Jen, I love her blog and I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!!! So what are you waiting for? Go! Buy! Read! Laugh!