Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 14. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Remember when I almost died in a Goodwill dressing room?

Read about how I nearly died!

Remember back before I went to the blogging conference and I got stuck in a dress and I thought I was gonna die? No? Well you can read about it here at the Huffington Post's Comedy page!

Monday, September 29, 2014

30. It's a magic number....

Why is 30 a magic number? Well, Snarklings, I'll tell you. That's just how many pounds I've lost in the past 4 months. Yep, 30 lbs. gone!  And while I still have many more to go to reach my goal, I want to stop and celebrate this accomplishment. Every little bit helps in the struggle to lose weight, and being just a little older with a metabolism that's comparable to a snail wading through a sea of molasses mixed with peanut butter and a side serving of wet cement, 30 lbs to me is worth celebrating.

In 2010, I was at my lightest weight since, like, ever, and I was fit enough to run the Marine Corps Marathon. I had lost over 60 lbs before I ran that race and I felt great. And then, I put it all back on. The struggle is real, you guys, and it totally sucks balls. But it's my struggle and I'm taking the responsibility, because no one forced me to stop going to the gym, and no one force fed me Boston Creme donuts and Five Guys burgers. That was all me.

So it's back on the roller coaster I go, as I try to gain control once again of my eating and exercise habits. I've used several tools that have been extremely helpful. One has been the MyFitnessPal website, and another has been the DietBet site. I'm not getting paid by either of these folks but I'm just telling you that they have been integral in my success this time around. I have found that logging every single thing that I put in my mouth truly helps me keep control of my eating. And it's free, and if it's free, it's for me. The DietBet thing has been pretty useful because I've actually MADE money over the past 4 months. And I like money. Matter of fact, I've got another DietBet starting up this coming weekend. If you're interested in joining my game, it's a $25 buy in and your goal is to lose 4% of your starting weight in 4 weeks. Check out my game by clicking here and join if you'd like.

Have YOU lost weight? What helped? What worked and what didn't? Tell me your story.

Friday, September 26, 2014

What's with all the daddy-bashing??

I had dinner the other night with some of the most amazing and funny bloggers on the planet right now, and one of the topics we discussed between our nachos and hummus and salmon was dad-bashing. We talked about Emma Watson's brilliant UN speech and Mike Cruise of Papa Does Preach mentioned an article from Aaron Gouveia from The Daddy Files about this topic. If you haven't seen either post, go now. I'll wait here. Just remember to come back.

We good? Good. Because I've got something add to this topic.

Stop it. It's old. It's way old, and it's not funny anymore. It's stupid.

I'm speaking only from my personal experience here, I don't know your situation, and frankly, I don't care to. I just know that my husband and many husbands like him are more than qualified to care for their own children. And the notion that dads are 'babysitting' their own children or 'playing mommy' while mom is not around, it's old school. Dads are mocked, questioned or lampooned daily if they show up at the playground or the doctor's office with their child/children. "Oh, mom must be shopping, you have mom duty, huh?" Stop with the stupid remarks!

It's amazing to me that my husband and I even HAVE a second child  because after 17 was born, we both worked, and we worked OPPOSITE shifts so that we didn't have to rely on someone else to raise our kids. That was our personal choice, and don't start writing the hate comments. Childcare is expensive, yo! And why would we both work and have someone else care for the kid when we could be banking that money for their education (or our own personal retirement, whatever)??

I worked until 5:00, he drove the kids in, met me at work, I took the kids home and he went into work at 5:30. We had overlapping days off so we did get to spend time together. And he was home with the kids all day. I never once felt like he was incapable of being a good dad. Yes, they went to the park. Yes, he'd take them on errands. Yes, he'd take them to doctor and dentist appointments and guess what! They LIVED!

I hate to see dads being mocked for doing what they do, being dads. It's ridiculous, and it's a stigma.  It worked for Danny Tanner, Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse on Full House, it worked for Paul Reiser and Greg Evigan on My Two Dads, and it worked at Casa Snarkfest. It works in real life. So stop the bashing of dads who are just being dads. No special occasion, just being a dad. Is that so wrong?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Search for Happiness

Evening Snarklings! Late blog for me, but I wanted to share! Remember the post I did on being responsible for your own happiness? Well guess what! It's up on Huffington Post! Go check it out and please feel free to leave me a comment or share the post. Thanks!!!

Monday, September 22, 2014

My phone, the asshole...

Let me just start by telling you that my phone is an asshole. I'm not sugar coating it, the phone is an asshole. It's a monster, nearly indestructible. It's a Casio that sorta looks like a race car, with its own protective case. It's been dropped too many times to count, and KNOCK ON WOOD it has yet to break. But it's an asshole, nonetheless.

My phone, the asshole

Here's why: It restarts at the WORST. POSSIBLE. TIMES. Like seriously, life and death situations, it shits the bed. I was driving to a little Mexican place back in June. I had just picked up the adorable Kelly Fox from Foxy Wine Pocket, and along with my friend Mimzy from Showers in the Dark, we were heading to the Mexican place for a meetup with a bunch of other bloggers before we all headed to BlogU14. I had been instructed by the Waze GPS app on the monster Casio to make a right turn onto the tiniest street in the history of tiny streets. I went about 6 blocks on this tiny street and when I thought perhaps my Waze app had been smoking the crack pipe, I looked down at the phone, waiting to hear the next instruction. That's when I saw that my phone had restarted.

Are you fucking kidding me? Thank God I wasn't on a busy highway and possibly missed an exit. Eventually, the phone came back on, I brought up the Waze GPS app again and we were able to find the restaurant. "What awful luck!" I thought. Hope THAT shit never happens again.

Guess what.

I was driving to Arlington last night to meet up with some of my BlogU14 buddies for a mini-reunion, and fired up the Waze GPS app again on the old monster Casio. The longer I was on the road, the more I had to pee, until I thought I was going to end up peeing myself (should've worn my free sample of Depend, no lie). So I'm driving and driving and driving and the Waze app is telling me that I need to get off at the Shirlington Exit of I-395, and then make a right onto Campbell Ave. Easy enough. Except I did not see a sign for Campbell Ave. The sign said "Quincy Ave" NOT Campbell Ave. Not wanting to take my eyes off the road to check the map on the tiny GPS app I continued on, hoping that Campbell Ave was just around that next bend. I glanced quickly down Quincy Ave and saw the restaurant where we were scheduled to meet, but it was too late to turn. Apparently, that WAS Campbell Ave. It's just not MARKED Campbell Ave. I'll be calling the dumbasses responsible for that little faux pas.

At that point I had to pee like a freaking race horse, I've missed my turn and just up around that bend I mentioned was the entrance to get back on to I-395. The expletives that escaped from my mouth would make my mother wash my mouth out with soap.

The Waze app instructed me to get off at the next exit, which I did. I'm very good at following directions....when directions are actually being given. However, once I got off the exit, I heard nothing. Dead silence. I carefully looked quickly at the monster Casio for my next bit of direction, and it had, once again, restarted. I repeat, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" I am in Arlington. I have NOT ONE CLUE where I am, my bladder is full to overflowing, and my phone just shit the bed again.

Up ahead on the corner, I saw a BP station. Ah, sweet relief was now in sight. I figured I'd pull into the gas station, empty my screaming bladder while the monster Casio rebooted its damn self, and be back on the road in no time. Except when I got out of the car, I saw a sign on the front door of the gas station that said "Sorry, no public restrooms".



First those rat bastards have a blowout on their Deepwater Horizon rig, killing 11 people and basically killing the fishing and tourism industry for years in the Gulf of Mexico and NOW they don't have a public restroom when I need it most! Fuckers.

But, I digress.

I sat in the car until the monster Casio bitch rebooted and brought the GPS app back up and was instructed to make a right, then another right, and lo and behold, there was the garage of the place we were going to eat. As I carefully exited the car, I had to fight off two urges: one was the urge to pee myself, the other was the urge to go to the roof of the parking garage and throw the monster Casio off the roof to its death. But with my luck, I'd end up hitting an unsuspecting, innocent passerby on the street below.

To make a long story short (hahahahahahahahaha) I ended up being the first person there, which gave me plenty of time to pee and freshen up. I ended up having a really fun evening with Ashley from Big Top Family, Ashley from The Malleable Mom, Mike from Papa Does Preach, Jessica from Welcome to the Bundle and her lovely husband Shelby, who I'm convinced spent the evening playing footsie with Mike with their giant man feet.

A happy ending to a horrible GPS experience.

Friday, September 19, 2014

How I Know It's Time for the Dog to Get a Haircut...

I have two wonderful rescued dogs. Henry and Cosmo are brothers who we adopted from a local no-kill shelter about 6 years ago and they’ve brought so much joy into our house that it’s hard to imagine what life was like for us before they came to live with us. They came from a litter of 7 and they all had names that started with “H”. Henry, Humphrey, Hogan, Hannah, Heidi, Hector and Huey. Henry is, for all intents and purposes, a Henry. He’s like a little old man, he does his own thing, he gives not a single crap. Cosmo (the former Huey) is the exact opposite. Cosmo is a pleaser, he lives to make you happy. And he’s a special kind of dog. If Cosmo was a human, he’d have to wear a helmet. He’s such a sweet dog, they both are, really. But Cozzie is just a special kind of special. He chases lights on the wall, he will stare at dust as it rises in the sunlight and bite the reflection of the doorknob from the bathroom door to the hallway wall. There is a permanent line of bite marks on the wall, because Coz just can’t get it that it’s a light and he’ll never, no matter how many times he bites it, ever catch it.
My Cosmo. Just look at that sweet face.

But I digress. Cosmo is my short-haired boy. Henry is my higher maintenance boy. He’s got some Golden Retriever in him, so he’s got long hairy legs, hairy ears, a giant hairy tail, tufts of hair between his toes, a big fuzzy ass and did I mention long hairy legs?

His Majesty, Sir Henry of the Couch

Good, because that’s key to the story. I try to brush him and keep him knot free, but that’s not always possible with the crazy life we lead. So there are times when the boy has some knots and I try to work them out without having to cut his fur. Last week was one of those times. The dogs had been outside after a rain storm, and when they came in, Henry did what he normally does. He sat next to me, and nudged my arm off the computer mouse until I pet him. So I’m rubbing his side, trying to make him shake that leg and I felt something in his long leg hair, something that didn’t quite belong there. ‘Must be a knot, he’s got a bunch’ I thought, as I watched Criminal Minds and tried to maneuver the hair around this spot so that the knot would work its way out. But it wasn’t working. The ‘knot’ just refused to loosen up. I thought I was going to have to get the scissors. And then I looked at the ‘knot’. Turns out, not so much a knot. More like an earthworm. Yes, you read that right, Henry had an earthworm stuck to his fur under his leg. I’m not squeamish at all, in fact, I actually started laughing at this predicament. I asked my oldest to get a tissue as I struggled to get the earthworm to sit still, while trying to get Henry to sit still. A squiggly worm on a long haired dog, and neither will sit still. This ought to be fun! So I grabbed the tissue and lost the worm. Sounds like a horrible tequila induced nightmare, doesn’t it? I tried to get Henry to lie down on his side so I could get a clearer view of his underarm hair and try to find the elusive worm. But Henry would have none of it and I continued to struggle to find the worm. Thank goodness he’s a tan dog and not a darker red color like his brother Humphrey. I’d NEVER find an earthworm on a red dog.

After a good 5 minutes of searching and trying to keep Henry still, I found the earthworm and pulled. Guess what. Now we had 2 earthworms. My oldest was COMPLETELY grossed out at the half an earthworm, now squiggling around on the tissue, while I tried to capture the OTHER half of the now much shorter earthworm that was squiggling around in Henry’s hairy armpit.  Cue the Benny Hill music. Henry was struggling to get me out of his pit, oldest daughter was gagging over the two halves of an earthworm, both sides dancing the Macarena, husband and youngest child were laughing at me and Cosmo was chasing dust mites he saw glowing in the family room light. If Henry would just hold still, the dust mites would settle down and that would be one less thing to deal with. All I needed at that point was for the cat to come in and hack up a hairball. My night would be complete.

All good stories have a happy ending, and this one is no different. The cat didn’t hack, Cosmo didn’t catch any dust mites, Henry finally settled down long enough for me to catch the other end of that little bugger, and we went back to Criminal Minds. But we did have a good, hearty laugh at Henry and his little Wormy buddy. We’re taking Henry to the groomer on Monday.  

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Blog Tag (or why I hate Dumbass News)

I don't really hate Toby, the Fearless Leader of Real Dumbass News but he tagged me in this shit and I either have to comply or become a Republican, so I really have no choice. So here goes. The deal is, I have to answer 11 questions he pulled out of his ass came up with, then tag some other hapless victims bloggers to participate. If they choose not to join in this stupid fun thing, I get to mock and ridicule them relentlessly until they quit the internet and become fishermen on the vast Bering Sea. I also have to post rules because rules.

1. Post these rules. (check)
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. (eleven? Really?)
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Me. At a Duran Duran show in CT. Don't ask about the horns.

Here are 11 random facts about me because you care. Shut up, I know you do.
1.  My brother Billy is a firefighter whom I idolize.
2.  My cat, also named Dumbass, just celebrated her 13th birthday. We didn't sing to her.
3.  She's pissed that we didn't sing to her (random fact about Dumbass, not really about me)
4.  I've struggled with my weight all my life. Running is the only thing that takes it off and keeps it off. I don't run enough.
5.  I hate posting random facts about myself. I'm not really all that interesting.
6.  I have a small crush on Drew Carey. I don't know why, he's not all that attractive but he's funny as hell.
7.  I'm having a hard time coming up with more random facts about me.
8.  I hated science and math in school. To this day I still hate math and science.
9.  I have a bunion on each foot. I had one surgically removed in high school. It came back. Bastard.
10. Seriously? I still have one more to make up? Shit.
11. I won the Nobel Prize for Snark in 1986.

Now for the 11 questions Toby came up with for me:
1.  Baseball or Football? 
          Baseball, what kind of no-brainer question is that? 
2.  Place you'd like to live other than where you live right now?
          If it wasn't so goddamn expensive I'd live in Hawaii. But it is. Florida has too many bugs. I'll 
          go with Hawaii, assuming I win the lottery (if I ever played the lottery). Yeah. Hawaii.
3.  Are you a nose picker?
          What the hell kind of question is that? Seriously, Redneck? Nothing more original? Like do I
          pick wedgies out of my butt in public? Come on, you can do better than that. 
4.  Would you rather be in politics or have a nasty case of the flu for 2 years?
          FLU all the way baby. Politics will kill you.
5.  Taco Bell or McDonalds?
          Taco Bell AND McDonalds will ALSO kill you, probably faster than politics. Going with Panera
6.  Would you rather spend summer in Texas or winter in Northern Canada?
          Did you know that I'm allergic to Canadian geese, mooses (meese?) and Molsen? I'mma have
          to go with Texas because two of my very good friends recently moved there and they have A/C
7.  If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?
          Probably would've deleted the email from Toby and not had to complete this stupid activity
8.  If you could write a new law, what would it be?
          I'd create a law that ALL child sex offenders would have their genitals, hands and feet 
          removed and they'd be required to be lobotomized so they'd be drooling vegetables with 
9.  Kids or pets?
          You are completely out of ideas, aren't you Toby? I have both. Too late to go back and 
          make those decisions over again. Besides, I like them both. (both the dogs AND the kids).
10. Weirdest clothes you've ever worn?
          I once dressed as a pregnant nun for a Halloween party my old roommate and I threw. I'm
          surprised I wasn't struck by lightning that night. Pregnant nun drinking booze. SCANDALOUS!
11. Would you go streaking at a public event for $10,000?
          Trust me, people would pay me $10,000 to put my damn clothes back on. I'mma say NO.

And now for the 11 questions I'm pulling out of my ass making up for the next bloggers to answer:
1.  How do you feel about Toby from Real Dumbass News? He's a dipshit, right?
2.  How often do you change the sheets on your bed?
3.  What are your top 5 favorite blogs to read? (answer this carefully.......) :)
4.  Why did you decide to start blogging?
5.  If you could capture the attention of ANYONE in the world with your blog, who would it be?
6.  If you could sit down and have a cup of coffee/tea/booze with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
7.  George Clooney or Brad Pitt?
8.  Who is the most famous person you've ever actually met and did you act like a complete moron 
      meeting them or were you completely cool and composed? (liar)
9.   Who is your girl crush?
10. What's the very first thing you'd buy if you hit the lottery and won $57 million?
11. What's MOST favorite word and your LEAST favorite word in all of the English language?

Alright, now it's my turn to piss off 4 of my very favorite bloggers who will end up hating me and making up random shit about me on The Google: The Pursuit of Normal, Big Top Family, Foxy Wine Pocket and Comfytown Chronicles, TAG!!! You're it!!