Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 15. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Friday, October 24, 2014

Band Senior Night

YIKES! How did this happen?? It seems like only a moment ago, 17 was a fresh-faced freshman marching on to the football field with the rest of the marching band. And now, she's a senior, getting ready to march in her last high school halftime show. Tonight is senior night for the band. Husband, 15 and I will escort her onto the field as they pay tribute to the 42 senior class members of the marching band.

Holy crap. That time went by in the blink of an eye. An eye that will most definitely be tear-filled this evening.

She absolutely loves the band and everything associated with it. And while she won't be a music major in college, the memories that she takes with her from high school are going to be filled with band trips, band camp stories, Dairy Queen trips after performances, sleepovers after Friday night games and how unbelievably amazing the band director and assistant band director have been over these past 4 years.

I've still got another 3 years to go with this band while 15 is a member. I will hold on to every moment and try to make them last, because the first 4 years seriously flew by.

17, I love you. I'm proud of you for what you've done, all that you've accomplished, the brave and amazing young woman you've become. And tonight, I will walk proudly next to you on that football field as they call your name. And I will hug you and hold you and never let you go. Well, until it's time for me to go back into the concessions stand and time for you to march in one of the last high school halftime shows.

So enjoy your senior  night, enjoy the recognition and the time you spend this year with your band family. I couldn't ask for a better group of people. Your friends, their families, they are all a pleasure. I think I've enjoyed this time almost as much as you have.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Cranky and Snarky

I'm in a really grumpy mood. Like, REALLY cranky. Can't blame the monthly, that's over. The weather is overcast and cold, so that may be it. OR it could be the fact that when I was driving my girls to school today (shut up, that's a major part of it) I asked 17 if she had remembered to hand in the note I wrote excusing her for her absence this past Monday.

"No" she replied, "I couldn't find it in my bookbag. I think I left it on the counter at home."

That set me off. Not sure why, maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's pre-peri-pissy-menopause but I went off like a freaking Roman candle.

I was reminded of the time when my best friend's daughter Sally was home from school for several days with strep and forgot to hand in her excuse note. My bestie received a call from the truant officer saying that she could be taken to court. Then I was reminded that 17 is currently applying to colleges and I thought "Dear God she's never going to get into a good school if she's got an unexcused absence!!! She'll be living at home FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!!"

Ok, yes, maybe I'm being a little overly dramatic, but I don't care. Because there's a certain responsibility that she should have by now. And I said "How can I trust you to be responsible enough to drive a car with your sister to and from school if you can't be responsible for turning a note into the office??"

That's when 15 changed the radio station and I heard Iggy Azalea. "Who dat, who dat? Dat do dat, do dat?"

NO. Absolutely NOT.

I cannot STAND Iggy Azalea. I absolutely HATE listening to that shit. She sounds like she has absolutely NO grasp of the English language. So this was my reaction to 15's choice of songs:

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! NO MORE IGGY AZALEA! AND NO MORE NIKKI MINAJ EITHER! They both sound like ignorant assholes who can't speak English. I'm sick and tired of that shit on the radio, so if they come on, we're not listening to them anymore!!"

And there you have it. I'm officially old. I'm THAT mom. I may as well have added "You young whippersnappers!" to the end of that sentence.

Isn't this thing ugly? This is how I'm feeling today. Old and ugly.

I should've said "And another thing, you kids get off my lawn! And get me a new battery for my hearing aid! And bring me my Metamucil. And don't forget my Geritol!"

I should NOT be allowed around people today. People in general are just pissing me off. Starting with Iggy and Nikki and those pesky kids on my lawn. I should just take the rest of the day off, go home, put on my housecoat and my bedroom slippers and take a nap. Maybe I'll wake up feeling less cranky, refreshed and ready to be a human again.

Or maybe I'll wake up with an aching back in my Sansa-belt pants and my HABAND! blouse listening to Glen Miller on my K-Tell album playing on my record player.

I'm old, folks. Old and cranky. Say something to make me happy, cheer me up. Or get the hell off my lawn.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Look at me! Enabling YOU!

Don't you just HATE when someone wants to sell you something?? I don't know about you, but I don't have a whole lotta cash just lying around the house. My junk drawer is NOT overflowing with spare change. So I feel your pain when someone says "Hey wanna buy some .... (fill in your own blank here)".

But I will say this: If you DO have extra cash and you DO want to buy something, would you consider making your purchase using the links on my page? I'm not trying to SELL you anything, honest I'm not. What I AM asking is that if you DO plan on making a purchase, say, on Amazon.com, that you use the Amazon.com link on the old Snarkfest blog page.

Or how about this? If you're looking to book some travel, I've added the Booking.com link to my page. And if you're looking for a $20 funny tee-shirt, how about using the Busted Tees link? And for those of you who love M&M's you can get them personalized AND buy them from the link at the bottom of this blog post.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I need to make money. 2 band kids, both wanna go to Florida with the band over spring break. I've tried selling Dumbass on eBay but people demanded that if they buy her, I must pay THEM to take her off my hands. That's not happening.

Anybody wanna buy a cat? Drawer not included

So don't look at it like ME trying to SELL YOU something. Look at it as me providing the portal through which you, if you were so INCLINED to buy something, can make your purchase. I'm like the enabler. I'm here for you. Booking.com. Busted Tees. M&M's. Amazon.com. What more could you ask for? Go buy!!

In the immortal words of the old guys from the old Bartles and James commercials, "...and thank you for your support."

Monday, October 20, 2014

Cats and costumes: they do not mix well...

With Halloween only days away, here's a blast from the past. Be safe, you dressers of dogs, you cat couturists....

Let's get one thing straight right now. If you dress up your dog, your cat, your hamster, guinea pig, giraffe, Beta fish, whatever, he HATES you. He wants to tear out your throat. He wants to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Seriously.

My friends who know me well will tell you, I absolutely HATE to see animals dressed up. If they had thumbs and the ability to call a lawyer, they'd sue your ass in a heartbeat.  They only put up with you dressing them up because they don't have thumbs and can't feed themselves. Do they chew on your shoes? Do they pee or poop in the house? It's most likely due to the fact that at some point in time, you've done this to them:

This is not a happy kitty.
Photo courtesy: TrendHunter.com

Admit it, if someone did that to you and you were powerless to fight back or stand up for yourself, you'd want to kill them too. I'm not exactly sure why one does this to an animal. It's not funny (okay it's a little funny) but it's also borderline animal cruelty. Admit it. You're laughing at this cat. He's looking at you and in his little cat brain he's saying "Could you please have at least removed the Goddamn tag before you put this shit on me?? Who the hell am I? Minnie Pearl???" Because he knows who Minnie Pearl is. No self-respecting, costume wearing cat wouldn't know who Minnie Pearl is.

Then we have this poor little bastard:

Kareem Abdul Japug
Photo courtesy: VH1 (don't ask)

Seriously, what kind of sick bastard does this to a dog? Doesn't his owner know that he's not only going to get the shit kicked out of him by all the other neighborhood dogs, but he'll need therapy too because white pugs can't jump. For chrissakes, everyone knows that. Wrong. Just so wrong. If you do this to your pet, you deserve for him to jump on your balls and make you spill your beer all over yourself.

I have no words for this picture:

Seriously, wtf is that?  Photo courtesy: dailymail.co.uk

And this poor little bastard is wishing those other two heads were actually REAL so he'd have some help when he climbs up on the bed while you're sleeping and tears your arms off and beats you to death with them:

"I am not amused, asshole." Photo courtesy: funnyfidos.com
This may just be the first time in recorded history that dog and cat came together in unison and killed their master in a manner far too graphic for this family blog:

Yes, fluffy, sadly you do. Photo courtesy: Kodak.com

This dog, through no fault of his own, looks like a giant asshole. He knows it, the other dogs in the neighborhood know it. Hell, even his master knows it, yet still, he wears this costume. But don't worry, this flying Fido will have his revenge. When you go to sleep at night, he will use one of those wings to break into the refrigerator, he will eat every last grape in the produce drawer and he will commence to shitting all over the house. From one end of the place to the other, you will wake up to the glorious smell of dog shit and you will regret ever making him wear this dreadful outfit:

I am NOT a pilot, I am an angry dog. Photo courtesy: nynerd.com
These crime-fighting cats will exact their revenge on you when you least expect it. You have dressed them up like superheroes, but I can assure you, if you were ever in need of help, these furious felines would be the LAST ones you should look to for assistance. In fact, I'm thinking if the Riddler or the Joker had you tied up on railroad tracks and a train was coming, these kitties might just be driving the train:

Superheroes. No. Super pissed off? You betcha!  Photo courtesy: cdn.hahajk.com
I could go on and on, but I'm guessing you get the message. For the love of all that is holy, STOP the madness. If you think your pet would look adorable in pink tights and a tutu, think about how YOU would feel if someone bigger and stronger came in to your house and put pink tights and a tutu on your ass. Would YOU like it? Probably not. Give your pet that same consideration. And if you WOULD like it, well, that's a blog post for another day.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Profound sadness...

Putting the wit and the snark on hold for today, Snarklings. Yesterday we received some pretty devastating news about one of the members of our community. A child, one day after his 15th birthday, was struck and killed by a car while riding his bike on a twisty rural road. This boy had been a classmate of my own 15 since we moved here 8 years ago. The family lived in our neighborhood when we first moved here.

My own child celebrated her 15th birthday the day before he did. She told me through tears that they used to wish one another a happy birthday, since their birthdays were one day apart. Their last names both started with B, so they were locker neighbors. She recalled how they used to rush to their lockers between classes, and try to see who could open his/her locker first, and they jokingly push one another out of the way as they stood side by side racing to open those lockers.

She said he was a good kid. And she cried. We all are. No mother or father should have to deal with losing a child. But it was an accident, a very tragic accident. And it's just heart-breaking.

Remember all those times I bitched about my girls missing the bus? Remember all the suggestions that they be made to ride their bikes to school? THIS is why I never forced that issue. The roads here are not very bike-friendly.

A Go-Fund-Me account has been set up for the family to help with funeral expenses, and right now, I'm sure they could use all the good thoughts you could send their way.

This morning, my daughters made it to school. But one family in our town isn't so lucky. Our hearts break for them, and our thoughts and prayers go out to them. I have no more words...

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Second Annual National Pee Alone Moms Night Out

So much to talk about these days. Ebola! OMG! The Fall TV Season! OMG! Elections! OMG!

My daughter is a senior in High School! BIGGEST OMG EVER! Just look at this gorgeous picture. Yes, I'm biased, shut up.

Holy crap she's gorgeous.
She's been looking at colleges and will be starting her final season as a varsity basketball player in just a few short weeks. Her sister, my baby, is in the middle of her freshman year and is just finishing up her jv season on the volleyball team. The hubby has just taken a job out of town and is spending more time with his aging parents, which is a blessing for them. So with all the running around and craziness we have going on, you can bet your sweet patootie that I need a Moms Night Out.

That's why I'm so excited to announce the Second Annual Pee Alone Moms Night Out! The contributors to the hilarious book (that I'm a part of) I Just Want to Pee Alone (now on sale at Amazon.com for $8.91!!) all teamed up last year on October 16 and held a National Pee Alone Moms Night Out, and it was such a rousing success that we're going to do it again this year. Only we're opening it up to ALL bloggers, hell ANYONE who wants to host this event may do so.

Moms deserve a night out and I'm no different, so my event will once again be held at Domestic in Shepherdstown. Meet me there at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday, November 12 and we'll have dinner, drinks, some laughs and some great fun! There will also be a raffle to benefit the Jefferson High School Cougar Marching Band. Gotta get those kids to Florida somehow!

Don't you love my attempts to edit last year's flyer in Paint? Not quitting my day job.
What d'ya say? Do you need a night out? More details will follow this post with locations all around the country, so stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

How can you be 15 already??

You were just a baby yesterday!! It's not possible that you are turning 15 today. Just not possible. Stop growing up, do you hear me?? You stop growing up right now!
T-ball, circa 2003

Hawaii 2005
Keller Williams Race for Kids Health 2013
Homecoming 8th grade, 2013
Blowing the horn onstage with her Uncle Terry, summer 2013

Kicking ass at volleyball, winter 2014
Happy Birthday, my amazing, incredible, sweet, funny, talented, generous and beautiful 15.