Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 15. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

So we got this car, see.....

It's not a new car. It's a way old used car, but it's just supposed to get 17 and 15 back and forth to school. Supposedly on time.

They started using the car to get back and forth to school on Monday. Today is Tuesday.

They've been late to school 2 days in a row. Now, I can't really math all that well, but it seems to me that this may be some sort of a pattern. 2 for 2. We're batting .1000. I wish we were talking baseball. I wish it was warm enough outside for baseball. Mmmmm baseball.



Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, the car that we bought that was SUPPOSED to be useful in getting our chilluns to and from school. In a timely manner. That's right. So the house rule is, you MUST leave for school no later than 7:20 because you never know if there will be trains (all the freaking time), accidents, ice, etc. and just ONE of those issues will jack you up and make you late.

Now that it's February 24 and it was a balmy -2° outside this morning, the girls left the house at 7:28. Wait, what? Why YES! YES that IS 8 minutes later than they are supposed to leave to ensure they make it to school on time. Thanks for noticing. They also left the house with no coats, but that's a blood-boiling rant for another day.

Anyway, they left at 7:28. Only to return at 7:33. Why? Because the windows were so frost-covered that 17 couldn't see to drive. Thank you sweet Jesus that she had the sense enough NOT to just ignore the frost and try to make it. No, instead she freaked out and drove back home. I drove them to school this morning, which now means that I have to pick them up after basketball practice, then drop 15 off at volleyball practice at 6:00.

Tell me again how much easier this car is making our lives?

Which leads to a NEW set of rules at Casa Snarky-Ass:

1. 7:00: You start the car to warm it up (notice I said YOU, not ME start the car) because not only is that improper grammar but it also ain't gonna happen

"But Mom, do I just leave it running in the driveway? Won't someone try to steal it?" 

Seriously, it's an 18 year old Acura, I'd probably have to pay someone to steal it.

2. 7:10: You go out to make sure all of the frost/ice is removed from the windshields so that you can actually SEE to drive the 18 year old car, the car that was actually born the year before you were.

3. 7:20 You are both INSIDE the car and on your way to school. 

4. Mom works on her second cup of coffee.

I'll keep you posted on how well these rules are going to work out.  

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Uncle Jesse? Is that you?

My 17 year old daughter did something tonight that made me laugh my ass off. Seriously, she has my sense of humor, and I could NOT be any prouder of her. See for yourself.



How the person who had the wrong number only replied with 'ha' is beyond me. I'm still laughing about it, and it happened like, 3 hours ago. That's my girl.


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

When I Grow Up...

When I grow up I want to be a famous explorer. I will be able to navigate dangerous jungles, uncharted territories, and hopefully be able to locate stuff in my daughter's room without a map or a GPS.



When I grow up I want to be an astronaut, so that I can fly to the moon and have no responsibilities, no one calling me to pick them up from basketball practice, no fights to break up, no bitching and whining. And I won't have to make dinner for anyone but me. Open up the pouch of freeze dried beef and BOOM: dinner is served.

When I grow up I want to be an animal whisperer. Once I've mastered this skill, I will be able to determine why the cat feels the need to lie on my clothes and get her nasty hair all over them. I will learn the secret as to exactly how many times I can pet her before she decides she's had enough niceness and bites me. And I will finally be able to determine why she likes to hang out in my fridge.

When I grow up I want to be a computer genius so that I know what to do besides reboot when my computer is acting like an assbag. When I get the blue screen of death, I will be brave and know how to combat the blue beast instead of curling up under my desk and sobbing like an infant.

When I grow up I want to be a psychic, so that I know ahead of time when my daughters are going to wake up in a good mood or a bad mood. I'll know BEFORE I pick them up from basketball if they are going to be sweet, kind and gentle or if they'll be cranky, whiny and mean. This will make life so much easier, and will better prepare me to handle what's coming.

When I grow up I want to be a vintner. Because, wine. All the wine.

When I grow up I want to be a Hollywood photographer. Not the paparazzi jerks, but the ones who get paid to take pictures of famous hot people. But only the single male famous people, because I'm shallow like that. I can be shallow, because I can. I can be anything I want to be when I grow up.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be in television when I grew up. I thought it would be totally cool to work in TV, be behind the scenes as a producer or something cool like that. Maybe I'd work on the local news broadcast, or maybe I'd move to Hollywood and work in the movies.

I'm a 47 year old office admin for a small non-profit. Never in all my wildest dreams did I ever say "When I grow up I want to be an office admin."

But that's where I am, and I kinda like it. What do YOU want to be when you grow up?

Friday, February 6, 2015

Teaching a Lesson??

I just saw this story on the old news station I used to watch when we lived in Jersey and I'm rendered utterly speechless. Seems a little boy, age 6, was deemed 'too nice to people' by his mother, grandmother and aunt, and they wanted to teach him a lesson about possible stranger danger.

They had a friend of his aunt lure him into a truck with the threat of never seeing his mommy again, said that he's be 'nailed to the wall of a shed' and showed a gun to get him to stop crying.



They tied him up, blindfolded him, drove him to his house and kept him in his basement for awhile before bringing him upstairs, removing the blindfold and lecturing him about staying away from strangers.

Um, what the ever-loving hell???

Folks, I'm stunned. I'm rendered speechless at the horror of this story. His mother, grandmother, aunt and the friend are all in jail, the boy has been placed in protective custody.

This is just MY opinion, and you can choose to agree or disagree with me, but this boy NEEDS to be in protective custody, he needs to be protected from his family, from those who claim to love him. This poor little boy will probably need counseling and years of therapy after this bullshit idea.

I understand their thinking behind it, but come on! A handgun? Tying him up, blindfolding him and threatening him and his mommy if he doesn't cooperate? In WHAT WORLD is that a GOOD LESSON?

What do YOU think would be a better way to teach a lesson? Does it involve a handgun? Add this to the warehouse full of things I just don't understand.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Sometimes a Kiss is Just a Kiss...

Watching the Today Show this morning, I saw that this picture of Bill Belichick is causing quite a controversy. Why? Because the camera person snapped a picture of his daughter giving him a celebratory kiss just moments after his New England Patriots had won the Super Bowl.  Why is this controversial? Because their eyes are closed? Because they are kissing on the lips? According to the article, an 'etiquette expert' says it's wrong. Well who died and made her boss?

Source
Maybe lip kissing among parents and children is not something that is widely accepted, but maybe it is. Am I a pervert for kissing my 76-year old mother on the lips when I visit her 3 or 4 times a year? Does that make it something more sinister than an innocent kiss? When my dad was still alive and I'd see him several times a year, I always kissed him on the lips. Does that make it incest? Perverse? My daughters kiss me on the lips. Oh the horror! Who cares? It's our choice and it doesn't make us the creepy people!

If you are a cheek kisser, more power to you. That's awesome. Some families show no affection towards one another. So cheek kissing is fantastic. Some families fight, and that's sad. Other families, like mine, are lip kissers. To us lip kissers, there's nothing wrong, sinister, perverted or incestuous about it. Mouths are closed and it's quick. I can tell right away if someone prefers not to be a lip kisser as I'm going in for the quick peck, so I'll hit the cheek instead. No problem. No harm. No foul.

This picture was snapped in a split second. Eyes are closed because.....PEOPLE BLINK! SHOCKER!! To me, there's nothing wrong at all with this image. It shows a happy father kissing a happy daughter in celebration of a Super Bowl win. Nothing more, nothing less. It should not be compared to Woody Allen's relationship with his step-daughter because the two are nothing alike.

It's just a kiss, folks. Lighten up.

Monday, February 2, 2015

I'm Bringing Watches Back...

Dude, check out the sale at Amazon.com on watches. I know, no one really wears watches anymore because cell phones have that clock right on the front. But let's start a trend. Let's be Justin Timberlake.

"I'm bringing Watches back
Them other cell phones
it's the style they lack"

Who's with me??? Go shop for your loved one over on the Amazon and your old pal Snarkfest will make a few pennies for each order placed. Please do your Valentines Day shopping using the Amazon link over there on the right and you'll make me happy.

I thank you for your support.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Songs That Take You Back...

Sometimes a song will take you back. Sometimes to good times and sometimes to times you'd rather forget. Today I heard J.D. Souther's You're Only Lonely and was immediately transported back to the roller skating rink when I was in 8th grade. I had a HUGE crush on a boy named Billy Nushooz (that's how it was pronounced, don't ask me how to really spell it). I loved him from afar and I'm sure he knew it. I wasn't all that discreet in my making puppy dog eyes at him. And after writing Mrs. Billy Nushooz and Mr. and Mrs. Billy and Teri Nushooz for a year, I finally got the courage to ask him to skate during a ladies choice couples skate.

AND HE SAID YES!!!!

You're Only Lonely was the first song that we skated to, and we remained out on the floor, holding hands and skating in a circle when the song Babe by Styx came on. Today, every time I hear the first few synthesizer notes of Babe, I immediately go back to that night, that couples skate and think of Billy Nushooz.

Billy never felt the same way about me. That was a recurring theme in my younger days. I was always the puppy dog across the room, crushing on a different guy and not having those same feelings returned. I was a lonely teenager, J.D. was right. Lucky for me, I outgrew that teenage angst. But during those years, my heart was broken more times than I care to remember. 

What songs take YOU back? Good times or bad?