Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 15. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Elf on the awww HELL no!!! And other holiday musings...

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.

I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the 10-Second Tidy. I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, 7 lbs of powdered sugar, 7 lbs of brown sugar and 2 lbs of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damned with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me, you douchey prick" card?

Oh don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have 15 bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched. 

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Bah humbug. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

So you're saying it's illegal to throw someone from a plane?

Holy crap this story cracked me up. What a spoiled bitch! First it was just that she threw a fit because her macadamia nuts weren't served to her on a plate. THEN she reportedly made the flight attendant bow before her and then she made the flight crew turn the plane back to the terminal so they could kick that 'nut-in-a-bag-serving flight attendant' off the plane. What the holy freaking HELL???

To quote (sort of) Samuel L. Jackson:

"I want these MUTHERF**KIN' NUTS on a MUTHERF**KIN' PLATE!!"

Or the guy who auditioned for American Idol a few years back:

"Nuts on a plate
Nuts on a plate
Lookin' like a fool
Over nuts on a plate"

Seriously, tell me again why they didn't just take off and then kick HER entitled ass off the plane in mid-air?

Oh, that's illegal?


Friday, December 12, 2014

Who won the #myCharge Red Razor????

Drumroll please........

Theresa L. 

You are the lucky winner!!! Contact me so that I can get your information and get that red Razor Charger sent right out to you!

Thanks to everyone who participated!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Moving on...

Moving on. Letting go. We all have to do it eventually. And I'm over on Mamalode today talking about how we're gearing up for moving on here at Casa Snarkfest. Go have a look at my post Moving On.

Monday, December 8, 2014

FREE STUFF! No kidding, this portable charger IS FREE!

Hey Snarklings, remember back when I was doing that myCharge giveaway? Well in return for my participation in that giveaway, they sent me my own myCharge Energy Shot portable charger. I'm telling you, I freaking LOVE this thing. Seriously, if I'm sitting in a basketball game and need to text my hubby the score and my phone shits the bed, it sucks. But the Energy Shot really is great and you know I wouldn't lie to you, I really love it. And now myCharge is GIVING THEM AWAY!! Not kidding. NO hoops to jump through, nothing to sign up for. It's freaking FREE!

With their #myChargeCheer campaign, all you need to do is go over to the Twitter and retweet THIS one little tweet and BOOM, you get a free portable charger. It's almost too easy. You can find them there at @myChargePower on the Twitter. So go get your FREE portable charger!!! Who doesn't like free? WEIRDOS, that's who.

Now, if you're REALLY into free stuff, here's your chance to WIN a FREE Red RAZOR PLUS!!   This could be YOURS if you win!! The Razor Plus is a rechargeable battery that delivers an additional 13 hours of talk time for your smartphone.

I could be YOURS for FREE if you WIN!!!
This is the easiest contest ever in the entire world. All you need to do is subscribe to Snarkfest and leave me a blog comment below telling me that you subscribed and tell me what you want Santa to bring you for Christmas. How easy is that?? If you're already subscribed, tell me that too! If you'd like, you can also follow me on my social channels which you can find on the right side of the page under "Follow Me". Not mandatory, but you can also follow myCharge on THEIR social channels (@myChargePower on the Twitter, @myCharge on the Instagram, or HERE on the Book of Faces.) THIS FRIDAY, Dec. 12 at noon EST I will draw ONE lucky winner from all the comments left below, so get to commenting!!

So what are you waiting for!! Go RETWEET THIS for a no questions asked, totally FREE portable charger with their #myChargeCheer campaign!! And if you want something else for free, enter this contest!!! Of course, if you just want to BUY something, myCharge is offering 25% off all chargers if you use the code: JOLLY.


Hey one last thing, sorry to you non-US folks but this contest is ONLY for US residents.

And while I was compensated for this post, I'm not kidding, I LOVE my portable charger so my opinions are my own and they rock.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Cyber Monday (aka Blue Monday)

I'll admit it: my shopping is just about finished. The kids are getting one thing this year which has already been bought and paid for. My Mom's gift? Check. Brother's gift? Check. Inlaws? Check. Husband? That's about the only thing left to get. But if YOU haven't finished (started) your shopping yet, here's a headstart!!! Use this link right here to shop on Amazon.com for some fantastic Cyber Monday deals (and earn just a few cents for your favorite Snarkmeister).  Or you can just click on the little Amazon logo just to the right of this post. Easy peasy.

Now for the Blue part of Blue Monday. The holidays usually always give me the blues. I hate being close to 200 miles away from my Mom and my Brother and all my friends. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live and I LOVE the friends I have here. It's just that I was 'back at home' visiting this past weekend and got to spend time with my besties, my Mom and my Brother, and then spent 5 hours on a 4 hour ride home (horrible accident on I-95). And now that I'm home, I miss my family even more. It's always hard leaving my Mom. Every time. She suffers from COPD and now relies on oxygen 24/7. It's hard enough to watch your parents growing older, but to watch their health failing and knowing that you are 4 hours away from them on a GOOD day (no I-95 accidents) is just heart-wrenching. I used to be able to zip over to her apartment on a moment's notice and take her to a doctor's appointment, or to the hair dresser or food shopping. Now she must rely on others for something that was once my job. In a way, I guess I feel like I'm failing her, but I know in my heart that that's not the case. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own and a job I love.... it just happens to be in a town almost 200 miles away from where she is.

I wrote about these very same blues last year, and I know that I will snap out of it, I always do. But it's the same thing every year. I don't have the 4th of July Blues or the Labor Day Blues. But always with the Christmas Holiday Blues. I got some great suggestions last year that really did help me out. So tell me, do you suffer from the holiday blues? What do you do to get yourself out of the funk? Tell me here, or read last year's post and the suggestions I received then. Do they help?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shop early! Avoid the rush!!

You guys know I'm always on the lookout for weird crap, and since I've got access to the innnnnernet, there's plenty of weird crap to be found. Weird crap practically falling from the trees. Oh wait, that's bird crap. Sorry.

Anyway, in my quest for the weird, I just did a little of The Googling and found some stuff that I thought I'd pass on to you. You know, in case you have some shopping to do and don't know what to get for that always hard to shop for cousin, uncle or pervert next door. You're welcome.

First up, for that hard to buy for child in your life, who wouldn't love a Lederhosen Unicorn?? Who knew unicorns wore pink lederhosen, stood upright, had elbows and wore purple sneakers? Ahhh Christmas magic.

Looking for a snack to hang on the old Christmas tree but are tired of that overdone mint flavored candy cane? Well you're in luck. Now you can have your very own GRAVY flavored candy cane. Again, you're welcome. And what the hell is that brown thing? If that's supposed to be gravy, gravy looks an awful lot like shit.

Let's say you're in the market for a game that's sure to bring MINUTES of fun. How about this? Pass the Gas Game!  Like hot potato, only classier.

Here's one that ANY depraved moron would be happy to receive. THE ORIGINAL Liquid Ass. Yes, The Original Liquid Ass Fart Spray. Apparently, there must be dozens of imitations out there on the market, so pass those by and go for the original. Because nothing says Merry Christmas like buying someone THE ORIGINAL Liquid Ass Fart Spray.

How about all those cat videos out there on the YouTube? There must be tens of skadrillions of cat videos, but were ANY of them made with the Cat Video Clapper Board?? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say no. So the next time Fluffy does something video worthy, break out the Cat Video Clapper Board and make a real life movie of her. And if she screws it up the first time, yell "CUT" and have her do it again. She's a cat, I'm sure she'll LOVE to work with you and follow your direction.

For you big city folk, what says Love Thy Neighbor more than this? The 'Fuck the Rain Umbrella'. Perfect for when you're in a shitty mood and want to tell that nasty rain off. **The makers of the 'Fuck the Rain Umbrella' cannot be held responsible for rocks, bricks or bottles thrown at you by others who may not have such a brilliant umbrella such as this. Seriously, who wants to see this giant finger when you're walking in front of them? I wish I had one of these when I was in Catholic school on a rainy day. I'm sure the Sisters of St. Joseph would've LOVED this.

Now, if you ever find yourself in an emergency situation, here are two of the BEST emergency gifts on the web.  How many times have I found myself in an emergency without a Santa Kit? Well not anymore! Not since I've found the Emergency Santa Kit.

Or THIS masterpiece. I can't TELL you how many times I've said to myself: "Oh God, this is terrible!!! What an emergency!! If I ONLY had an Emergency Horse Sound Machine, then EVERYTHING would be okay." Well look no further. Horse sounds when YOU need them. For real.

Ladies, wanna have literally SECONDS of fun?? Try this! The 'Always Positive Pregnancy Test!'

This can be used over and over again, every time you want to scare the bejeezus out of your man.

Last but not least, here's a real gift worth giving. What woman DOESN'T just want to pee alone? This is the perfect gift for the holidays. I Just Want to Pee Alone is a book that has small, short, bite-sized essays that you can read while peeing alone. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll pee (alone) and you won't be sorry. Buy it for you. Buy it for a friend. It really is a great book, and I'm not just saying that because I've got an essay in there.

You can buy this book here 

So there you have it. Your one stop internet shopping guide for the holidays. Please report back to me once Uncle Al opens his Original Liquid Ass and tell me how happy he was to receive it!! I'll be here. Peeing Alone.