Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 15. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Buying One Direction

File this one under: HOLY CRAP, REALLY???

I'm scouring the Twitterverse for stuff regarding One Direction's horrible, terrible, really bad news yesterday that Zayn Malik has left the band. I'll give you all a moment to recover. Get yourself a Kleenex and clean the ugly cry off your face.

And I found this.
 

For those of you who don't care to click the link, let me make it simple for you. One Direction fans want to buy the band's contract from their management (who apparently, Directioners HATE).  So far as of the writing of this great piece of literature, $602 has been raised to buy the boys out of their contract. The goal of this GoFundMe campaign? $877.7 million. Go ahead, take another moment. I'll wait.

I love teenage girls. I truly do. They can do anything they put their teenaged minds to. However, if I find out my kids have donated to buy One Direction out of their contract, I will flip my shit.

If you don't have a teenage daughter and really have no clue what's happening, here's the Snarknotes version (like Cliff's Notes without Cliff):  Apparently Zayn wanted some downtime and his horrible bosses at the management company were all like: "No you'll tour, you'll spend months away from your loved ones, you'll make us gadjillions of dollars and you will like it!! MWAHAHAHAHA"

And Zayn was like, "Screw you, dudes, I wanna take a nap in my own bed" so he flew back to the UK and took an unauthorized nap. Next thing you know, the management company was all "You broke the rules,  you're kicked out. You're not in the club anymore!" And then Zayn was all like: "Ok" because Zayn really likes napping in his own bed.

Then the world exploded.

I think it's awesome that the fans hate the band's management and wanna stick it to the man. I really admire their tenacity. And believe me, I honestly DO believe these kids may have a chance at reaching their goal. But then what? Let's say they reach $877.7 million. Will the management company really sell the contract? No. They won't.

But then there will be $877.7 million sitting in this GoFundMe account. So I'm going to come up with some ideas that they can use that money for:

1. Get Harry a haircut
2. Pay off my credit card bills and still have a few dollars to spare
3. Feed the poor and hungry
4. House the homeless
5. Buy my kid a car that does more than serve as a paperweight
6. Spay and neuter all the puppies and kitties in the world
7. Give it all to ME so I can move to Utah and marry Mike Rowe legally while still being married to my own husband.

Wait, that's not how polygamy works? DAMMIT!

Nevermind, this whole thing is silly.

I'm sorry that Zayn has left the band, no matter what the circumstances are, I do totally understand. Back when I was a teenager (when I rode my stegosaurus to school) and Duran Duran was the big band of the moment, their drummer Roger Taylor left the band to pursue peace and quiet (he went on to become a sheep farmer, out of the spotlight, much like Zayn wants to). I hope Zayn's not allergic to sheep.

I digress. Anyway, Roger Taylor left the band soon after their performance at Live Aid. John Taylor and Andy Taylor (NO THEY ARE NOT ALL RELATED) moved over to become Power Station with Robert Palmer (and some other guy whose name escapes me at the moment). It wasn't until 2005 that the whole band reunited. This little bit of information did NOT make my daughters feel any better last night when I explained it to them. "We have to wait 20 years for them to get back together???"

Anyway, if you have an extra $5 and want to be in band management, click the link up there. I think everyone who donates should get a private One Direction concert in their backyards. How cool would THAT be?


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER? YES I AM!!!!!

Sorry for yelling, but we just found out that our little book that could, I Just Want to Pee Alone has made it to #15 on the New York FREAKING Times Best Sellers List!!!  See?




My name is "Various Bloggers", pleased to meet you!!!

I'm going to hold off on ordering the Porsche Cayenne just yet but I'm sure it's only a matter of years, decades even, before I'll have enough in book royalties to afford to fill a Porsche Cayenne with a tank of gas. Until then, if you have read the book, please feel free to leave a review on the Amazon.com site.

And if you haven't yet ordered a copy, it's on the cheap on Amazon, so please grab a copy. If you want me to sign it, order it here and I'll be happy to do so!

Until then, I'm going to have a celebratory third cup of coffee and a donut. Because that's how we NY Times Best-Selling Authors roll, yo.

And just so you know, the follow-up, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is going to be released on Friday! It's Volume 3 if you're keeping track and there are a shit ton of funny folks included in this go round (I'm not in there but a BUNCH of my friends are, so it's all good). Looking for another funny anthology? Pre-order yours now!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Looks Like I Picked the Wrong Week to Quit Antidepressants...

Much like the character of Steve McCroskey, played by Lloyd Bridges in the movie Airplane, it definitely looks like I picked the wrong week to quit antidepressants. Yesterday's piece on Mamalode, Breaking an Addiction I Never Knew I Had was a more serious look at the subject.


Photo courtesy of In The Powder Room

Today, I'm In The Powder Room with a little more lighthearted look at quitting the drug I never knew I was addicted to.

I hope you enjoy both posts.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Breaking an addiction I never knew I had...

I've got a piece up on Mamalode today that is pretty personal, and pretty serious. I held off on the snark for later. But now, I'm trying to break an addiction I never knew I had. Read about it here....


Friday, March 6, 2015

Can Someone Please Explain??




How in the WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS is Kim Kraptrashian even relevant? I seriously do NOT understand how she or any of the rotting fruit in her family tree are relevant. Even my teenage daughters don't get why these assbags constantly make the news. One of them bought a ridiculously priced mansion, it made the news and both of my daughters were incredulous. "WHY does anyone care?? What do they actually DO???" I don't get it either babe. I really don't.

Moving on, does anybody REALLY believe that Ronan Farrow is truly the offspring of Woody Allen?  Seriously, how dumb do they think we are. If  you have no clue what I'm talking about, stay with me.

Hollywood would have you believe that THIS:
Image courtesy pagesix.com

....came from the loins of THIS:

Image courtesy www.telegraph.co.uk

Excuse me for one second....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay I'm back. I'm not telling any tales when I say that Mia Farrow had an affair while she was still married to Woody Allen, and she had a baby that 'may possibly be the biological son of Frank Sinatra'. Um, ya think?? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are both wondering why anyone believes that Woody Allen is Ronan's dad.

Here's another thing I just can't wrap my brain around: Teenage smoking. Now when I was a teenager (back when dinosaurs  roamed the earth and the internet was just a gleam in Al Gore's eye), teens thought it was cool to smoke. Not me, because my mother always told me I was allergic to cigarettes and if I started smoking I would die (good job Mom!). But I had lots of friends who smoked. Didn't really bother me all that much. And a pack of cigarettes didn't require you to take out a second mortgage on your house. But today? Cigarettes are twice as expensive as a gallon of gas. and it's not just a myth that cigarettes cause cancer, it's a proven fact. People. Die. So WHY in the WORLD do kids still think it's cool to start smoking?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?? STOP that! Stop that right now! Save your money for gas, or to put your parents in a home, but for the love of all that's holy, DON'T SMOKE!! YOU. WILL. DIE.

And I'm off the soapbox.

Let me tell you something else that completely confuses the shit out of me. Aging. I'm going to be 48 this year. I've got grey hair that's extremely color resistant. I've got aches, my teeth are failing me, my eyesight sucks and I'm knocking on the door to menopause. HOWEVER, I don't FEEL like I'm going to be 48. When I was a kid, 30 was old. 40 was near death and if you hit 50 you should probably grow out your beard and go live in a mountaintop cave and dole out sage advice in between naps.

But now that I'm thisclose to 50, none of this makes sense to me. I curse like a truck driver (thanks to my Dad, who WAS, in fact, a truck driver), I am active (sort of), I love to hang out and party with my girlfriends, my taste in music is ridiculously diverse (the music on my running playlist ranges from Duran Duran to Eminem, Afrika Bambaataa to Bruno Mars (oddly enough, I just checked Wiki for the correct spelling of Afrika Bambaataa and found out that his real name is Kevin Donovan. Put that on the list of shit I don't get.) I love those Imagine Dragons. And I also love swing music, the Mills Brothers and The Platters.

Anyway, my point is, I thought at close to 50 I'd be more... old. But I don't feel that way now. I still like to laugh at inappropriate stuff, I listen to today's music (damn you Taylor Swift) and enjoy (most of) it. I know who is who in One Direction and I love that my daughters inherited the 'love of concerts' gene from me. Live music keeps me young, does that make sense? Yes, these days I DO need earplugs when attending concerts but that's because I want to be able to hear the phone ring or my kids talking to me after a concert.

Getting old really has me confused, between how I ACT and how I think I'm SUPPOSED to act.

One last thing and I'll let you get on with your life. WHY do singers feel the need to ruin perfectly good songs by inviting a rapper to come in and shit on their relatively decent material? You have a perfectly good song. You have a perfectly fine group. Why do they feel the need to sprinkle a little rap shit into the mix and ruin what could otherwise be a catchy tune? And does ANYONE really say "a catchy tune" anymore??

What about you? Do you have any explanations for these things about which I've written? Can you help a sister out? Am I young at heart? Am I just old and am not ready to accept it?






Tuesday, February 24, 2015

So we got this car, see.....

It's not a new car. It's a way old used car, but it's just supposed to get 17 and 15 back and forth to school. Supposedly on time.

They started using the car to get back and forth to school on Monday. Today is Tuesday.

They've been late to school 2 days in a row. Now, I can't really math all that well, but it seems to me that this may be some sort of a pattern. 2 for 2. We're batting .1000. I wish we were talking baseball. I wish it was warm enough outside for baseball. Mmmmm baseball.



Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, the car that we bought that was SUPPOSED to be useful in getting our chilluns to and from school. In a timely manner. That's right. So the house rule is, you MUST leave for school no later than 7:20 because you never know if there will be trains (all the freaking time), accidents, ice, etc. and just ONE of those issues will jack you up and make you late.

Now that it's February 24 and it was a balmy -2° outside this morning, the girls left the house at 7:28. Wait, what? Why YES! YES that IS 8 minutes later than they are supposed to leave to ensure they make it to school on time. Thanks for noticing. They also left the house with no coats, but that's a blood-boiling rant for another day.

Anyway, they left at 7:28. Only to return at 7:33. Why? Because the windows were so frost-covered that 17 couldn't see to drive. Thank you sweet Jesus that she had the sense enough NOT to just ignore the frost and try to make it. No, instead she freaked out and drove back home. I drove them to school this morning, which now means that I have to pick them up after basketball practice, then drop 15 off at volleyball practice at 6:00.

Tell me again how much easier this car is making our lives?

Which leads to a NEW set of rules at Casa Snarky-Ass:

1. 7:00: You start the car to warm it up (notice I said YOU, not ME start the car) because not only is that improper grammar but it also ain't gonna happen

"But Mom, do I just leave it running in the driveway? Won't someone try to steal it?" 

Seriously, it's an 18 year old Acura, I'd probably have to pay someone to steal it.

2. 7:10: You go out to make sure all of the frost/ice is removed from the windshields so that you can actually SEE to drive the 18 year old car, the car that was actually born the year before you were.

3. 7:20 You are both INSIDE the car and on your way to school. 

4. Mom works on her second cup of coffee.

I'll keep you posted on how well these rules are going to work out.  

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Uncle Jesse? Is that you?

My 17 year old daughter did something tonight that made me laugh my ass off. Seriously, she has my sense of humor, and I could NOT be any prouder of her. See for yourself.



How the person who had the wrong number only replied with 'ha' is beyond me. I'm still laughing about it, and it happened like, 3 hours ago. That's my girl.