9 Things NOT to do at a Concert

Here are 9 rules to follow the next time you go to a rock concert (or country, or rap, whatever shit you listen to on the daily). Trust me on this. I’m almost 48 and have been to about a million concerts and have seen behavior that would make Pope Francis want to throw a punch.

    1.  Don’t get piss-eyed, falling-down drunk. I went to the Eagles Hell Freezes Over tour back in the nineties and there was a woman so drunk she threw up on the people in front of her and had to be carried out in the middle of the second song on the playlist. I don’t know about you but when I spend over $300 on concert tickets, I don’t want to get thrown up on, and I certainly don’t want to get so shit-faced drunk that I have to leave the show.

    2.    Don’t be an asshole to those around you. If you don’t like the opening act, don’t verbally abuse the singer (here’s a hint: you don’t have a mic, they can’t hear you complaining). Know who CAN hear your bitching? The folks sitting in front of you. Maybe they LIKE that opening act. Keep your negativity to yourself.

    3.     Don’t buy the pirate merchandise outside the theater. Don’t be a cheapskate. Pony up the $40 for an authorized and genuine concert t-shirt. My friend Karen and I went to see Def Leppard during the Hysteria tour in 1988 but I was too cheap to buy the official merchandise and instead bought a pirated t-shirt from some dude in the parking lot. It had an extra sleeve and it was from the Pyromania tour from 1983. Lesson learned. And if I ever grow an extra arm, that shirt will FINALLY be cool.

    4.    Don’t scream through the whole fucking show. Just don’t. You’re not 12, dude.  Screaming’s for 12 year old One Direction fans, not 40-something chicks who like their hearing. Trust me. Scream when your band comes on, then scream before the encore. But for crying out loud, not during the whole show. Some of us want to be able to actually HEAR what’s going on onstage.

    5.   DO. NOT. RUSH THE STAGE. Seriously, if you bought a ticket, that seat is YOURS. Do NOT try to squeeze your ass into my row. There is nothing that pisses me off more at a concert than some douchebag with a seat in row 19 coming up and trying to push me out of the way when I actually bought a front row seat. Just don’t do it. It’s cases like that where it should be legal to stab someone in the neck with a pencil. And I always bring pencils with me to concerts….just in case.

    6.    Don’t give me a contact high. I bought my ticket with my goddamn hard-earned money and the last thing I need is to get high off your smoke. It’s not cool. Do it in the parking lot before the show. But just know that if you do it anywhere near me, whether it’s pot, tobacco or crack, I will totally pour my beer on your joint, cigarette or pipe. Trust me on this. Nobody wants to smell like your smoke. And I really hate wasting my beer.

    7.    Don’t try to get on stage. It’s embarrassing. And if you get your ass thrown out, your friends will feel obligated to make sure you are okay, and that means they will probably leave the show early. If they do, then make no mistake, they are well within their rights to kick you in your stupid ass for being a dick. Do yourself and all your friends a favor and just stay put, okay?

    8.   Don’t fart. Just don’t. It makes everyone around you miserable. I don’t know which is worse, smelling a fart or smelling a cigarette while I’m trying to enjoy my jams.  You concert farters know who you are, don’t try to pretend it was the guy in front of you, own your smelly ass. Leave the seat, go into the aisle, do your thing and come back. Because damn.

     9.    I know this is probably a bit hypocritical, but don’t start a fight. Yes, I’ve been threatening in this post, I’ve come down pretty hard on the offenders, but trust me on this: I have been kicked out of a concert for laying hands on someone.  Ok it was a Dan Band concert but still, we were right at the stage and I did something dumb and had to eat the cost of the ticket. So keep your hands to yourself. 

I'm sure there are a ton of other offending actions one can do when at a concert, but these are the 9 that spring to mind, that piss me off and that I will call you out on for doing. You have been warned. 

Shock Value!! Or why I don't like Zayn Malik anymore...

As a mother to 2 teenage girls, I hear a LOT of music in my house. A. LOT. Some of it's okay and some of it sucks, but for the most part, I don't mind it.  Over the last few years we've listened to One Direction a bunch. Their music is fun and peppy (yes, I sound like I'm 90). For the most part, I like their stuff.

I remember telling both my girls back when One Direction released their movie that IMO Zayn probably had the best voice AND that if the band were to break up, it was my feeling that Zayn would be the first to leave. Apparently, I was right. Now Zayn has moved on and has released solo material. 16 played me the video for his new song the other day, and let's just say I wasn't impressed. (Let me also say that I'm not linking to it because I didn't like it enough to share it with you 4 or 5 folks who read me on the regular).

It became clear to me in the first few seconds of watching the video that One Direction had become too tame, too clean for Zayn Malik. Then I heard him drop the "F" bomb during the song. That was all I needed to hear. I walked away from the computer, shaking my head in disappointment.

Now you guys know me, I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, and I've dropped my fair share of "F" bombs. But I don't do it for shock value, or to piss people off or show how cool I am. I drop the effer when I'm pretty pissed about something and "darn" just won't do. And I am not afraid of music with cursing. Hell I LIKE Eminem because he is who he is. He started out with the mouth he continues to sing with. He didn't change to be someone else purely because he wanted to escape an image.

But Zayn's use of the "F" bomb was purely for attention. It is MY opinion (and remember, this is my blog so if you came here to read and you don't agree, you don't ever have to come back, my feelings won't be hurt), that Zayn is so glad to shake the clean boy-band image he had while a member of One Direction. He didn't want to sing the tame, safe lyrics any longer. He wanted to branch out on his own, be his own man, be true to himself and write from the heart. Or the crotch. Whatever.

The point is, he got what he wanted. He's officially shaken off the "Boy Band Member" label. No longer will moms look at him and think "what a clean cut, well-mannered boy". Well, not this mom anyway. Now I will look at him and think "I'm not buying concert tickets for my daughters to go and watch you sing songs about f*cking because you CAN, now that you're no longer in a Boy Band". It's really a shame, too, because he really DOES have a beautiful voice, and maybe one day he'll settle down and reign in those wild horny thoughts and go back to singing songs that aren't mean to shock. But for now, I'm saving my money to pay off the One Direction and Adele concert tickets from my credit card bills.

Buying One Direction

File this one under: HOLY CRAP, REALLY???

I'm scouring the Twitterverse for stuff regarding One Direction's horrible, terrible, really bad news yesterday that Zayn Malik has left the band. I'll give you all a moment to recover. Get yourself a Kleenex and clean the ugly cry off your face.

And I found this.
 

For those of you who don't care to click the link, let me make it simple for you. One Direction fans want to buy the band's contract from their management (who apparently, Directioners HATE).  So far as of the writing of this great piece of literature, $602 has been raised to buy the boys out of their contract. The goal of this GoFundMe campaign? $877.7 million. Go ahead, take another moment. I'll wait.

I love teenage girls. I truly do. They can do anything they put their teenaged minds to. However, if I find out my kids have donated to buy One Direction out of their contract, I will flip my shit.

If you don't have a teenage daughter and really have no clue what's happening, here's the Snarknotes version (like Cliff's Notes without Cliff):  Apparently Zayn wanted some downtime and his horrible bosses at the management company were all like: "No you'll tour, you'll spend months away from your loved ones, you'll make us gadjillions of dollars and you will like it!! MWAHAHAHAHA"

And Zayn was like, "Screw you, dudes, I wanna take a nap in my own bed" so he flew back to the UK and took an unauthorized nap. Next thing you know, the management company was all "You broke the rules,  you're kicked out. You're not in the club anymore!" And then Zayn was all like: "Ok" because Zayn really likes napping in his own bed.

Then the world exploded.

I think it's awesome that the fans hate the band's management and wanna stick it to the man. I really admire their tenacity. And believe me, I honestly DO believe these kids may have a chance at reaching their goal. But then what? Let's say they reach $877.7 million. Will the management company really sell the contract? No. They won't.

But then there will be $877.7 million sitting in this GoFundMe account. So I'm going to come up with some ideas that they can use that money for:

1. Get Harry a haircut
2. Pay off my credit card bills and still have a few dollars to spare
3. Feed the poor and hungry
4. House the homeless
5. Buy my kid a car that does more than serve as a paperweight
6. Spay and neuter all the puppies and kitties in the world
7. Give it all to ME so I can move to Utah and marry Mike Rowe legally while still being married to my own husband.

Wait, that's not how polygamy works? DAMMIT!

Nevermind, this whole thing is silly.

I'm sorry that Zayn has left the band, no matter what the circumstances are, I do totally understand. Back when I was a teenager (when I rode my stegosaurus to school) and Duran Duran was the big band of the moment, their drummer Roger Taylor left the band to pursue peace and quiet (he went on to become a sheep farmer, out of the spotlight, much like Zayn wants to). I hope Zayn's not allergic to sheep.

I digress. Anyway, Roger Taylor left the band soon after their performance at Live Aid. John Taylor and Andy Taylor (NO THEY ARE NOT ALL RELATED) moved over to become Power Station with Robert Palmer (and some other guy whose name escapes me at the moment). It wasn't until 2005 that the whole band reunited. This little bit of information did NOT make my daughters feel any better last night when I explained it to them. "We have to wait 20 years for them to get back together???"

Anyway, if you have an extra $5 and want to be in band management, click the link up there. I think everyone who donates should get a private One Direction concert in their backyards. How cool would THAT be?

A Mom's Review of the One Direction Movie

Before I talk about the review, I want to say that one of the biggest reasons I decided to do this midnight premiere thing is because I know EXACTLY how excited my girls are over this band. I was the EXACT same way when I was 15 and Duran Duran was THE BIG THING. Every generation of young girls should have their BIG THING and, IN MY OPINION, sometimes it's good to give in to your kids' wishes when you know how big an impact it will make on them, both now and in later years. They worked hard to complete the tasks they said they'd complete. They kept their end of the deal. Thinking back on my own teen years, fan-girling over my favorite band, Duran Duran, I had the opportunity to see them twice in concert and know what an amazing experience it is for a teenage girl, so I really wanted to do this for my girls, because they're like me. I knew they'd love it. And I'd rather be remembered by my girls as the mom who did special things for them instead of the mean mom who said NO all the time. (mind you, I do say NO quite a bit, but in this case, I knew how much it meant to them).When we were sitting in traffic before the Hershey Park 1D concert, I had the windows down and we were blaring the CD and Amanda told me I was 'the coolest mom ever.' Sometimes a mom needs to hear that. It's validation.

So here it is, a bright and sunny early (and I do mean freaking early) Friday morning after a late night last night. My girls and I made a deal: if they made the bus every day from the beginning of the school year, clean out (vacuumed, dusted, etc) the guest room and got both their rooms spotless, I'd take them to the midnight premiere of the One Direction: This Is Us movie. Shockingly enough, they held up their end of the bargain. Who knew?

Last night after dinner, I went upstairs (while they were still cleaning/studying/fan-girling) and took a nap in preparation for the late night I knew I'd have. I woke up at around 8:20 and just for shits and giggles, logged on to the Regal Cinema site to see what the deal was for the movie. How pleasantly surprised I was to see that the midnight premiere was NOT, in fact, at midnight, but it was at 10:00! MUCH better. I let the girls know that they had exactly ONE HOUR to finish, then we'd leave.

I had planned to bring my earplugs, fully expecting a cacophony of screaming teens, much like I experienced at the One Direction concert back in July. However, when we arrived at the theater at 9:40, the parking lot was nearly empty and the theater was dark and all I could think of was "CRAP!! What the hell???" When we walked in and presented our tickets they told us the theater was to the left. We got our popcorn and headed over the theater 2 and sat with the 9 other girls that were there to see the movie. No lie. 9 other people plus us. BONUS! No ear plugs needed. After what seemed like an endless showing of movie previews, the movie started.

It. Was. Great. It was an honest look at the onstage and behind the scenes lives that these boys live. It wasn't just a concert movie like I was expecting. The filmmaker, Morgan Spurlock, filmed the boys' lives on tour. The good and the bad. Parents sad and missing their sons. Louis paying a visit to his Nan, Harry visiting the bakery where he worked before auditioning for the X-Factor. We saw the madness of screaming fans and the truth that the boys felt about it. The insanity of being pulled at (Liam nearly lost an ear!), fawned over, screamed at and how lonely that really can be. They sit around a campfire wondering what their lives will end up like, will they do this forever? Will they settle down and get married and have a family? Will a girl want to be with them because of the person they are on the inside and not because of WHO they are on the outside.

The movie is an honest look at what it's like for them to be away from their families for extended periods of time. Zayn bought a house, his mother and sisters got the keys and moved in and called him. Mom cried about how proud of him she was, how much it meant to her that he did this for them and he was visibly moved, glad that he was able to do this for her but saddened that he wasn't there to enjoy the new place with them. It really was an intimate look at their insights, their relationship with their families and with one another.

I enjoyed the film, and I'm so glad that my girls enjoyed it as well. It was worth going to such a late movie on a school night. I'd take them again in a heartbeat because it was a great bonding experience for the 3 of us. AND their rooms are clean, which is a bonus.

Oh and 15's calling me a closet 'Directioner' because I said I liked the movie. So I told her she's a closet 'Duranie' because she liked the Duran Duran concert we attended together. Ah the joys of motherhood.

Tuesday Tirade, the kindler, gentler, One Direction edition

Good news, Snarklings! The 'ew' is gone! Yes, we did manage a good, thorough cleansing at Casa Snarkfest this past weekend. Well, the downstairs, anyway. Not like I'm going to invite company over and then we'll go hang out in the filthy, dirty bedroom, right? No, you guests will stay downstairs on the only clean floor of the house and you'll like it!

More good news! The crap that's been making its way through the family seems to be on the downside. Two weeks ago, 13 got sick with a high fever and headache. That moved to her eyes, she got pink eye a sore throat. Next, 15 got sick with a fever and earache. Once the earache cleared up, she got very throaty and sounded like Kathleen Turner with a side order of Brenda Vaccaro for a week. Next, the husband got sick. It was touch and go there for awhile, but we were so happy that he pulled through and survived the mancold without us having to go have a will drawn up. I had the priest on standby just in case last rights were in order, but he faced down that horrific disease and came though the other side alive and well. Love you, honey.

Even MORE good news, the little non-profit I work for had a front page article written about it in this past weekend's Washington Post Sunday Magazine. Check it out! We're so stoked!  As if that wasn't cool enough, they also came to our little burg and shot some video of our office staff, and I make my video debut in the last 3 seconds of the clip. Don't blink or you'll miss me. The video is at the top of the news article. See, Snarkfest is more than just a place to go and read my rants. You can also get edumacated too! BONUS!

Moving right along, I'm looking for input. My wonderful, amazing and adorable chilluns think I'm going to take them to the midnight premiere of the 1D concert movie (stay with me here, it's One Direction). The release date is August 30, which amounts to midnight on the 29th. A Thursday. A school night. In order for me to do that, heaven and earth will need to be moved. The impossible will have to be possible. Something so unbelievably tremendous will have to occur, it will be worthy of CNN, MSNBC and FoxNews to report on. (okay maybe not FoxNews) That's right: rooms will have to be clean. And not just be clean but KEPT clean. I know, I'll have an easier time juggling cats than hoping for this to happen. But if they really want me to take them to the midnight premiere, it'll have to happen. Otherwise, I may not EVER take them to see it. So here's where I ask for your input. A poll, if you will.

A)  If they clean their rooms by no later than Sunday August 11, and if they KEEP them clean, I will take them to the midnight premiere, pay for their tickets AND popcorn.

B)  If they don't clean their rooms, I will have nothing to do with the One Direction movie, they should not ask me to take them, they should not ask for money to go see it, they shouldn't even mention the words 'One' or 'Direction' to me.

C)  Some less harsh combination of the two.

What do you think, Snarklings? Give me some feedback.

Tuesday Tirade - westboro baptist "church"

Warning, this rant will contain some filthy language. (Sorry Aunt Pat). But I'm really sick and tired of the shit-stirrers known as the westboro baptist 'church' and their sick and twisted logic. I'm not capitalizing anything in their name and won't refer to them as anything other than 'fucktards' from here on out. These fucktards spend their lives making other peoples' lives miserable (or trying to, here's a shout out to those who stand up to them and don't let them near grieving families to protest funerals of the innocent). These fucktards have protested military funerals, funerals for innocent victims of crazed asshats like those poor children in Newtown and now they want to protest the funerals for the 19 members of the Granite Mountain Hot Shots, who lost their lives battling a wildfire in Arizona this past Sunday. Sorry but I don't think so. And neither does Arizona Congresswoman Kyrsten Sinema, who posted this on her Twitter page:

courtesy: Twitter

I'm all for freedom of speech, but there's a difference between being able to speak your peace respectfully, and forcing your twisted point of view down peoples' throats with signs that say "God hates fags". By the way, I talked with God, He doesn't hate fags. But He's not crazy about hate-mongers. And people who disrupt the funerals of heroes. And that's what those 19 men were: HEROES.

 

So screw you and your insane, homophobic, racist beliefs and your hateful agenda. Take your "God hates fags" signs and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

And by the way, God doesn't hate One Direction either, asshats.

Rushers, Directioners, Duranies, OH MY!

Back in the day, we called ourselves Duranies. We followed the Fab Five in every piece of reading material we could get our hot little hands on. Remember Tiger Beat? Teen Beat? Bop? Rolling Stone? (yeah, that's still around). We Duranies had to WORK to find out the latest on our heartthrobs back then. Google? There was no Google! Cha Cha was a Latin dance. We were JUST getting into push button phones, for God's sake. We didn't have computers, internet, cell phones, texting, iPads, i-anythings!! We had to walk 10 miles in the snow, up hill, both ways, barefoot to buy magazines and darn-it, we liked it! Sure, every so often MTV would throw us a bone and have an interview with our boys and we'd all set our VCR's and watch them over and over. That was OUR Youtube. Pfffft. 'Friday Night Videos' was the shit and you watched it EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT just hoping they'd show your favorite band's video. And you checked MTV every chance you could get because back then the M actually stood for 'MUSIC' and not 'Manure' 'Malarky' or 'Merde'. 

Today, you can get information on your favorite band in less time than it took me to type this sentence. And these kids have NO idea how lucky they are. God, I know, I sound just like my mom did when she used to tell me how lucky we had it because we had a car with air conditioning and pleather seats! When SHE was a kid she rode in the rumble seat and she liked it!

Oh sorry, back on topic. My kids now can access any website at any time and see their favorite bands, Big Time Rush and One Direction. They are now considered "Rushers" and "Directioners". One Direction, for those of you who are living under a rock with my mom, is the NEW Fab Five. The next best thing. This is the nickname they have for themselves: Directioners. And they apparently take that nickname very seriously. Case in point: Last night 12 was on the computer and 14 was texting way later than her cutoff time of 10:00. And 12 kept calling 14 over to see what Louie's new haircut looked like or what someone was saying about Niall. Apparently, some absolutely INSANE chick on 1D's FB page (stay with me here mom: One Direction's Facebook Page) had the absolutely audacity to say she loved Harry and Zayn but didn't really care for Niall. "Well then she's not a Directioner!" I heard 12 say, and 14 agreed profusely! Apparently, there is a rule written somewhere (maybe it's tattooed on Harry's skull?) that in order to qualify as a Directioner, you MUST love ALL 5 MEMBERS of the group!!! Disliking one is the equivalent of disliking ALL 5 and you will have your Directioner club card taken away and you will be forced to listen to.....ugh, the Jonas Brothers.

Yes, apparently they're a little more strict today then they were back when I was a Duranie. Back in MY youth, you didn't HAVE to like all 5 members to be in the club. Hell, I never could STAND Andy Taylor. He was my least favorite of the Taylor brothers. I always wanted to take scissors to that nasty, greasy little ponytail of his and run off with Simon LeBon, spend hours laying on the beach drinking Pepsi and mocking Andy. (ok I was 16, and not yet the sleazy stalker I am today). That was the beauty of being a Duranie, you could like whomever you wanted and NOT like whomever you wanted and you weren't judged. There were 5 of them, PLENTY to go around.

Not today. Today, if you don't like one, you OBVIOUSLY don't like ANY of them. They apparently come as a package deal. It's the Directioners code.

I'm not sure if the same is true for Rushers, because my girls, while still very much in love with BTR, are more serious about the 1D rulebook. Is it POSSIBLE that you can LIKE the way James looks but hate the nasally, whiney sound that comes out of his mouth? I don't know. But if that is not the case, apparently I'm out of the Rushers club.