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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 24 and 21. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Buying One Direction

File this one under: HOLY CRAP, REALLY???

I'm scouring the Twitterverse for stuff regarding One Direction's horrible, terrible, really bad news yesterday that Zayn Malik has left the band. I'll give you all a moment to recover. Get yourself a Kleenex and clean the ugly cry off your face.

And I found this.

For those of you who don't care to click the link, let me make it simple for you. One Direction fans want to buy the band's contract from their management (who apparently, Directioners HATE).  So far as of the writing of this great piece of literature, $602 has been raised to buy the boys out of their contract. The goal of this GoFundMe campaign? $877.7 million. Go ahead, take another moment. I'll wait.

I love teenage girls. I truly do. They can do anything they put their teenaged minds to. However, if I find out my kids have donated to buy One Direction out of their contract, I will flip my shit.

If you don't have a teenage daughter and really have no clue what's happening, here's the Snarknotes version (like Cliff's Notes without Cliff):  Apparently Zayn wanted some downtime and his horrible bosses at the management company were all like: "No you'll tour, you'll spend months away from your loved ones, you'll make us gadjillions of dollars and you will like it!! MWAHAHAHAHA"

And Zayn was like, "Screw you, dudes, I wanna take a nap in my own bed" so he flew back to the UK and took an unauthorized nap. Next thing you know, the management company was all "You broke the rules,  you're kicked out. You're not in the club anymore!" And then Zayn was all like: "Ok" because Zayn really likes napping in his own bed.

Then the world exploded.

I think it's awesome that the fans hate the band's management and wanna stick it to the man. I really admire their tenacity. And believe me, I honestly DO believe these kids may have a chance at reaching their goal. But then what? Let's say they reach $877.7 million. Will the management company really sell the contract? No. They won't.

But then there will be $877.7 million sitting in this GoFundMe account. So I'm going to come up with some ideas that they can use that money for:

1. Get Harry a haircut
2. Pay off my credit card bills and still have a few dollars to spare
3. Feed the poor and hungry
4. House the homeless
5. Buy my kid a car that does more than serve as a paperweight
6. Spay and neuter all the puppies and kitties in the world
7. Give it all to ME so I can move to Utah and marry Mike Rowe legally while still being married to my own husband.

Wait, that's not how polygamy works? DAMMIT!

Nevermind, this whole thing is silly.

I'm sorry that Zayn has left the band, no matter what the circumstances are, I do totally understand. Back when I was a teenager (when I rode my stegosaurus to school) and Duran Duran was the big band of the moment, their drummer Roger Taylor left the band to pursue peace and quiet (he went on to become a sheep farmer, out of the spotlight, much like Zayn wants to). I hope Zayn's not allergic to sheep.

I digress. Anyway, Roger Taylor left the band soon after their performance at Live Aid. John Taylor and Andy Taylor (NO THEY ARE NOT ALL RELATED) moved over to become Power Station with Robert Palmer (and some other guy whose name escapes me at the moment). It wasn't until 2005 that the whole band reunited. This little bit of information did NOT make my daughters feel any better last night when I explained it to them. "We have to wait 20 years for them to get back together???"

Anyway, if you have an extra $5 and want to be in band management, click the link up there. I think everyone who donates should get a private One Direction concert in their backyards. How cool would THAT be?


  1. Tony Thompson. If this shows up twice, sorry Teri. Commenting from my phone is being problematic.

  2. Now how did I miss this ground breaking news?? Oh wait, I have two boys. That's probably how. But that is a good question - what will happen to the money in that account?

    1. Be happy your boys aren't Directioners!!! You could own a boy band right now.

  3. You think that's bad? Holy hell it's even worse here in the UK! Basically Zayn was papped twice with the same girl, who is now in hiding....it's that bad, the pictures show him with his arm around her waist facing the camera, the second was of him holding her hand...riverting stuff I know, so Zayn then takes to Twitter declaring his undying love for his fiancĂ©e, Perri. However Perri supposedly wasn't too impressed with naughty Zayn, so Zayn rushed back here to the UK, due to his "stress", so Zayn and Perri have "crisis talks" which 5 hours later result in Perri stomping out of their house, with lots of bags looking "Stony Faced" and not wearing her engagement ring, and Zayn phoning one of our national paper's, giving The Daily Mail the exclusive news that he wants to be an "ordinary 22 year old" (with his £15 million...don't think so) which then leads to said meltdown on Internet, of fans begging Zayn to change his mind, of how he broke his promise, to threats saying if he makes a solo album then he/she will kill him, then there's the you've ruined my life, my world revolves around you and today's exclusive is that kids are self harming themselves because Zayn left One Direction. It's enough to make your head spin! I have a pre-teen and a teen, if o found out my kids had "donated" I would not be happy, although I suspect whoever started the donation page is ecstatic I'm guessing whoever made up the account gets all the money when they fail to reach the millions?

    1. Just looked at GoFundMe's T&C and you keep the money whether you reach your goal or not. Someone's gonna make a pretty penny off this. Makes me wish I thought of it first.

  4. Where were these ladies when "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" ended? "Angel"? Oh yeah, they weren't born yet. If only these kids would put this much effort into their school work or, I don't know, following directions.

  5. Who is One Direction? Are they a real group? I always thought they were a joke group for little kids. What do I know. Let us know when you gain full ownership then rename them Mike Rowe and the Mechanics.

  6. Who is One Direction? No, seriously. i clearly don't have teenagers. Ha!

    1. You need to get a few teenagers, they will teach you shit you never knew you wanted to know.

  7. I hope this decision made him happy. that's what's most important, even though as a fan I feel sad and the band will never be the same again.. But good for him!

    The Stylish Confessions | Fashion & Beauty blog
    ZAYN MALIK Tribute Video

    1. Malu, I can't imagine how someone so young deals with such fame at such a young age. I wish him the best.

  8. "6. Spay and neuter all the puppies and kitties in the world" => wouldn't that just make dogs and cats go extinct?


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