If you write it, will they read?

That's an excellent question.

Afternoon, Snarklings. Do y'all remember me? Those of you who have subscribed via email, HOWDY!!! Those who stumbled here through the Facebooks and Twitters, WHASSUP?  I've really missed you guys. I'm sorry it's been so long.

I've decided to blow the dust off of this old website and vomit up some verbiage. Hopefully I will make a habit out of doing this but for now, here's one blog post to start.

Let's catch up shall we?

For those of you who are new, I'm Teri, your Queen of Snark. I've been blogging since 2013 (ish) and have had some pieces published in some books (which is very cool). You can check those out on the right side of this page or on the BUY MY BOOKS page, if you are so inclined, but no pressure.

Still married. Still working for my favorite environmental nonprofit called SkyTruth. Running again. I just finished my 4th full marathon (ok not JUST, it was back in October). Looking to run my 5th later this year. I've lost 70 pounds on Weight Watchers over the last year and change.

My oldest is now 22, my youngest is now 20 and both are baristas!

Still have my Dumbass cat (now 18!! If she were a he, I'd register her for the draft just to get her out of the house), and my pups, Henry and Cosmo are 10 now!! All growed up.

The president is still a fuckstick.

My latest obsession these days is THE CHILD. AKA The Baby Yoda. Dear sweet Lord, Disney you are brilliant. I'm not posting any images because I'm not trying to deal with any copyright infringements, but you have to know how adorable this damned thing is.

I'm also watching $chitt's Creek on the Netflix and have started watching The Avengers series (yes I'm a little behind the times, so sue me) on the Disney+ because it's free. That's how they get you. I got a year of free Disney+ and they had to go and make THE CHILD so damned adorable that there's no way on God's green earth that I won't actually pay for it so I can watch season 2 of The Mandalorian to get my Baby Yoda fix. Well played, Disney+, well played.

A little side rant: last night one of my favorite Snarklings, Jon, sent me a message with a link to an article that said someone had the audacity to photoshop your dumbass president's head on to the Baby Yoda's body and that's just not right. Idiot Son #1 posted the image on Instagram and I want to set them all on fire. They crossed a line. It's just not right. I can't even post the image here without wanting to throw a punch.

That's all I've got for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on my first day back in over a year. Please stop back to see if it takes me that long to blog again. Until next time, stay Snarky my friends.

Running and math don't mix.

I completed the Freedoms Run Marathon in record time!!! (for me)

My first marathon was the Marine Corps Marathon which I ran in 5:42:34. My average pace for that race was 13:03/mile. Pretty respectable for my first ever marathon.

My second marathon was the Disney Marathon and those of you who have been around awhile know that I ran the Goofy Challenge that year (Half Marathon Saturday, Full Marathon Sunday, lots of pain and suffering Monday) My time for that full marathon was something like 6:40 so that doesn't really count towards being a lickety split runner.  But I did kick ass during the half marathon with a time of 2:39:25 so I wasn't at all disappointed.

My finish time for the Freedoms Run was 5:40:22, a full 2 minutes and 12 seconds faster than my first full marathon. My average pace was 12:59/mile. I couldn't be happier about that than if Mike Rowe himself was waiting for me at the finish line to present me with my finisher's medal and a big wet sloppy kiss.

I had so much love and support that weekend, it was ridiculous. The morning started at 5:00 when I got up and dressed. My friend Susan was going to drive me to the shuttle bus to get to the starting line, but she feigned car trouble and instead told me she brought me another driver. Who should pop out from behind the car but my dear friend Jazzy Jen Powers, who came up from North Carolina just to cheer me on for my marathon. I cried when I finally realized who she was (in my defense, it was 5:30 a.m., pitch black outside and I was wearing sunglasses). She dropped me off at the shuttles with the promise of Pad Thai and wine that night, post-race. I can think of nothing better than good food and good friends to celebrate my victory.

The race started off with a little drizzle and about a mile in, it was a full on down-pour. It was during the second mile that I realized something. My washing machine is apparently not doing its job. The rinse cycle on my washer isn't getting all the detergent out of my clothes. How do I know this? Because I had, literally, a cuff of soap bubbles around each leg of my running capris from the downpour. I'm not kidding. I literally was leaving a trail of bubbles all over mile 2.

Luckily the rain eased up by mile 5, however, that's when I crossed the Potomac River and started running on the C&O Canal Towpath. The C&O that day resembled both Tough Mudder courses that I've run in the past. No lying, the towpath was nothing but 4" deep mud puddles as far as the eye can see. Normally, the towpath is one of my favorite places to run. Now, I don't care if I ever see it again. It was a muddy, slippery and dangerous mess.

At mile 15 I was able to get off the towpath and onto solid ground. That was the good news. The bad news is that at mile 15, the serious hills start, and they don't stop for another 6 miles. But more good news, my fake husband Joseph and one of my running sisters, Paula, met me at mile 15 and ran those hills with me. What a sweet blessed relief to be running with people I know and love, who were there to get me through the roughest part of the race!

My fake husband Joseph and I in the hills of Antietam Battlefield

We killed the hills of Antietam Battlefield and I was on track to PR this race after trying to do math in my head. Running and math don't mix. Just saying. Joseph left just before we left the Battlefield en route to Nutters for some ice cream while Paula and I trudged on. About 2 miles later, Paula had gotten her planned 8 miles in and she took her leave just as Joseph decided to join me again. Apparently, Nutters was closed, no ice cream for him, so what else could he do? He wanted me to PR and wanted to help make that happen.

It totally worked. I ran across that finish 2 minutes and 12 seconds faster than I did for my first full marathon. This time I was about 25 pounds heavier and 6 years older. And my family and friends were all waiting for me at that finish line. I cried as they ran the home stretch with me. PSA: running and crying are not possible at the same time, I ended up hyperventilating and nearly died.

Dear sweet baby Jesus can I stop running now??

My baby girl at the finish line, presenting me with a hug and my finishers medal

Me and the beautiful Jazzy Jen Powers who was with me at the start and the finish of my marathon

I could not have done this race without the love and support of my family, who I abandoned every Sunday from July through October for my long runs. Or Susan Reichel who biked alongside me through hill and dale, singing to me, threatening to hit me with her bike, making me coconut water concoctions that helped me survive the hot, treacherous hills of Maryland and West Virginia. Or Joseph Bertone and Paula Masters who got me through Antietam on a wet, cold October day. Or my running sister Lisa Kingsbury who is one of my biggest champions. If you sent a text, a call, a FB note, please know that your love and support meant the world to me.

The night I finished running, we did go for Pad Thai and wine, then spent the evening pretending to play cards but really gorged ourselves on more wine and chocolate (because my husband is amazing, he went to the store and bought all the chocolate he could find for us). And we laughed and talked well into the evening. It was an amazing weekend with wonderful friends and lots of pain. But all well worth it.

You can read about the events leading up to my full marathon here.

Did you know I was inspiring? Did you care?

Well you're gonna care! I have received the "Inspiring Blogger Award" from not one but TWO amazingly talented bloggers, Jules from My Mom's A Whackjob and Marcia from Menopausal Mother! I have a ton of respect for these two chicks so you can imagine how honored I am that they've bestowed this award upon my snarky ass. It's just nice to know that I do more than just inspire people to want to drink!

So the deal is, you list 7 facts about yourself and then nominate other bloggers for the award. And in true Snarkfest fashion, I'm breaking the rules. Sure I'll list my 7 facts, but then I'm going to just give you a list of some amazing and funny writers, all of whom will be collaborating in our upcoming book, I Just Want To Pee Alone which will be released sometime within the next month!!

This is the cover of our book!! Look, see my name?!?

So without further ado, I'm listing 7 things about myself. Ready?

1. My mom doesn't know that I'm a blogger. I have never told her about it. Not that I'm embarrassed by it or ashamed, but I'm not sure she'd be in love with the idea that I drop the F bomb so casually and on such a regular basis, so if you see her, please don't tell her about my blog, okay? Thanks.
2. I've never made brussel sprouts, liver, lima beans or squash for my family. Not that I don't love my family and want them to be healthy, but that shit tastes like llama-ass and I don't like me no llama-ass. Alright, if I'm being honest, it's not that I don't actually LIKE squash, but I just don't know what to do with it, how to cook it or anything, so yeah. That's my story. I'm an incompetent squash cooker.
3. I'm a complete slob. My house is a cluttered mess. I'm not talking Hoarders-worthy, but it's pretty cluttered. Again, please don't tell my mom.
4. There are times when I like my dogs way more than I like 15 & 13. Don't tell them I said this, but Henry and Cosmo listen to me way more than 15 & 13 do which naturally means I would rather have dogs than kids sometimes. However, Henry and Cosmo pretty much suck at volleyball and trumpet and that's when I'm glad that I also have kids, because my kids DO excel at those activities. It's a nice, well-balanced relationship here in my house. But again, don't tell the kids, okay? 
5. I know that Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones dinners are way high in sodium and probably (okay totally) not that good for you, but when I'm trying to lose weight and am super busy (like every day) they are so much easier, so much more convenient for me to just grab, eat and go. So don't tell my doctor that I eat those relatively often, okay?
6. My dad died of a heart attack in August of 2010 and that October, I ran the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC and raised $1800 for the American Heart Association. It was my first marathon.
7. I used to be meticulous in balancing my checkbook. I used Quicken, balanced it to the penny every month and would freak out if it was off, I'd investigate that shit like Morgan and Hotch until I found the  mistake. Then I gave birth. Now I'm lucky if I even open the bank statement when it comes in each month. And if I open it, odds are, I never actually REMOVE the statement from the envelope.

Okay it seems as though I've trusted you people with a LOT of personal information about myself. If my mom calls me and questions me about my blog, I'm coming to find whichever one of you ratted me out. Until that happens, here is my list of inspiring bloggers. You don't have to go visit them all, you don't even have to click a single link if you don't want to. But if you don't, you'll be missing out on some seriously funny shit. Here are the ladies who will be joining me in the book I Just Want To Pee Alone:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat                Insane in the Mom-Brain

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva              Baby Sideburns

Rants from Mommyland                                     You Know it Happens at Your House Too

My Life and Kids                                                Bad Parenting Moments

Let Me Start By Saying                                     Suburban Snapshots

Frugalista Blog                                                  My Real Life

Ninja Mom                                                        Four Plus and Angel

Honest Mom                                                     Binkies and Briefcases

Naps Happen                                                   Kelley's Break Room

Toulouse and Tonic                                          HouseTalkN

Hollow Tree Ventures                                       The Fordeville Diaries

Mom's New Stage                                             Nurse Mommy Laughs

The Dose of Reality                                          The Mom of the Year

Life on Peanut Layne                                        Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

Momaical                                                          Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

Random Handprints                                           RachRiot

You're My Favorite Today                                 Family is Funny

I Love Them the Most When They're Sleeping   

Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

Ode to a Runner

About 3 years ago, she forced me to run about 15 feet to a stop sign. I hated her for that because I hate to run. I was wearing my cute white Reebok sneakers. Not running shoes by any means but they were good for walking around. The next day, she forced me to run beyond the stop sign to a tree about 10 feet past the tree. What a bitch. I cursed her. A lot.

We had started walking together after work at night and apparently she was becoming bored with walking. Did she not understand that I hated running? Apparently she understood. She just didn't care. Bitch. One evening we were walking laps around our local park. One full lap around is 8/10 of a mile. We walked a few laps and she decided we needed to run. My first time I made it half way around the park. And I died. Literally, I lost my life. Ok shut up, that's what it felt like. We got into her car and my face was a shade darker red than the color of her red car. I was short of breath, I was sweating, and most of all, I hated her.

But I didn't. How could I hate her? She was pushing me outside of my box. She was making me do things that SUCKED but it was for my own good. She knew it, and I didn't want to admit it. But she was helping me. And secretly I loved her for it.

We ran our first 5K together. Then our first 10K. When we went to get fitted for running shoes we were taken care of by this crazy woman who had to cut her 17 mile run short that morning to get ready for work. 17 miles. BAHAHAHAHA. She also had a GPS thingy that she wore when she ran. Nazi and I mocked her when we got to the car. What a nut! What a crazy ass psycho!! What kind of lunatic runs that far and has a GPS. This is what I get for mocking.

She ran my first Half Marathon with me next, and we crossed the finish line together, hand in hand. In February of the following year, she convinced me we had to run the Marine Corps Marathon, so we schlepped down to Quantico and ran the Marine Corps Race to Register 10K. If you finished that 10K you were guaranteed a spot in the Marathon that October. Did I mention that 10K was on the coldest morning in the history of cold mornings? No shit, it was about 2 degrees. But we finished it, and we registered for and then ran the Marine Corps Marathon on Halloween. She cried as she finished, overcome with emotion. (I was too busy drooling over hot Marines and trying not to die).

Marine Corps Marathon: Michelle, Nazinutjob, me & Diane.

Last September she invited me over, plied me with wine and strong-armed me into registering for the Goofy Challenge. For those of you who don't know, the Goofy Challenge is another term for Clinically Insane but that doesn't look as good on a T-shirt with a Disney character. So in January of this year, we flew to Disney, and ran a half marathon on Saturday, then a full marathon on Sunday. 39.3 miles in 2 days. It was lunacy. Sheer and utter ridiculousness. But it was a blast and I got a bunch of really cool bling out of it.

Diane on the left, me, and the Naziwhackjobrunningcrackho on the right

Me, Barb, Pluto, Diane and Psychocrazyrunningbitch

She's definitely been bitten by the 'no I need to go farther' bug. Bitten in her brain. In the past 2 years, I've lost track of how many full marathons she's run. She's a die hard runner and I am in awe. But wait, it gets better.

This past March she spearheaded the 1st Annual Keller Williams March for Kids Health 5K with the help of all of her Sole to Soul Sisters, our running family. This pic was taken as we were giving out the prizes to the winners of the race.

Susan and the Nazi. One of my favorite pictures. Ever.

Next weekend, she will take on the biggest challenge of her running career. This will quite possibly rank up there among one of the hardest things she's ever done. In her life. Next Saturday, she will run the JFK 50 Miler. This is a really special run for her. She celebrated her 50th birthday last December, and this year marks the 50th anniversary of this 50 mile run. She believes it's her destiny to run this race. And she's not letting anything silly like a little leg injury stop her from completing this monumental feat. She has an indomitable spirit, a huge heart, the most positive attitude I've ever come across and is truly one of the most generous people I've ever met.

So here's to you, Lisa Kingsbury. I will be with you during the JFK and can't wait to see you cross the finish line. I love you, my crazy lunatic friend. I dedicate the first beer to you.

It's all about the beer at the finish line.

My friend Lisa and I on her 50th birthday.