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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Monday, September 22, 2014

My phone, the asshole...

Let me just start by telling you that my phone is an asshole. I'm not sugar coating it, the phone is an asshole. It's a monster, nearly indestructible. It's a Casio that sorta looks like a race car, with its own protective case. It's been dropped too many times to count, and KNOCK ON WOOD it has yet to break. But it's an asshole, nonetheless.

My phone, the asshole

Here's why: It restarts at the WORST. POSSIBLE. TIMES. Like seriously, life and death situations, it shits the bed. I was driving to a little Mexican place back in June. I had just picked up the adorable Kelly Fox from Foxy Wine Pocket, and along with my friend Mimzy from Showers in the Dark, we were heading to the Mexican place for a meetup with a bunch of other bloggers before we all headed to BlogU14. I had been instructed by the Waze GPS app on the monster Casio to make a right turn onto the tiniest street in the history of tiny streets. I went about 6 blocks on this tiny street and when I thought perhaps my Waze app had been smoking the crack pipe, I looked down at the phone, waiting to hear the next instruction. That's when I saw that my phone had restarted.

Are you fucking kidding me? Thank God I wasn't on a busy highway and possibly missed an exit. Eventually, the phone came back on, I brought up the Waze GPS app again and we were able to find the restaurant. "What awful luck!" I thought. Hope THAT shit never happens again.

Guess what.

I was driving to Arlington last night to meet up with some of my BlogU14 buddies for a mini-reunion, and fired up the Waze GPS app again on the old monster Casio. The longer I was on the road, the more I had to pee, until I thought I was going to end up peeing myself (should've worn my free sample of Depend, no lie). So I'm driving and driving and driving and the Waze app is telling me that I need to get off at the Shirlington Exit of I-395, and then make a right onto Campbell Ave. Easy enough. Except I did not see a sign for Campbell Ave. The sign said "Quincy Ave" NOT Campbell Ave. Not wanting to take my eyes off the road to check the map on the tiny GPS app I continued on, hoping that Campbell Ave was just around that next bend. I glanced quickly down Quincy Ave and saw the restaurant where we were scheduled to meet, but it was too late to turn. Apparently, that WAS Campbell Ave. It's just not MARKED Campbell Ave. I'll be calling the dumbasses responsible for that little faux pas.

At that point I had to pee like a freaking race horse, I've missed my turn and just up around that bend I mentioned was the entrance to get back on to I-395. The expletives that escaped from my mouth would make my mother wash my mouth out with soap.

The Waze app instructed me to get off at the next exit, which I did. I'm very good at following directions....when directions are actually being given. However, once I got off the exit, I heard nothing. Dead silence. I carefully looked quickly at the monster Casio for my next bit of direction, and it had, once again, restarted. I repeat, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" I am in Arlington. I have NOT ONE CLUE where I am, my bladder is full to overflowing, and my phone just shit the bed again.

Up ahead on the corner, I saw a BP station. Ah, sweet relief was now in sight. I figured I'd pull into the gas station, empty my screaming bladder while the monster Casio rebooted its damn self, and be back on the road in no time. Except when I got out of the car, I saw a sign on the front door of the gas station that said "Sorry, no public restrooms".

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

First those rat bastards have a blowout on their Deepwater Horizon rig, killing 11 people and basically killing the fishing and tourism industry for years in the Gulf of Mexico and NOW they don't have a public restroom when I need it most! Fuckers.

But, I digress.

I sat in the car until the monster Casio bitch rebooted and brought the GPS app back up and was instructed to make a right, then another right, and lo and behold, there was the garage of the place we were going to eat. As I carefully exited the car, I had to fight off two urges: one was the urge to pee myself, the other was the urge to go to the roof of the parking garage and throw the monster Casio off the roof to its death. But with my luck, I'd end up hitting an unsuspecting, innocent passerby on the street below.

To make a long story short (hahahahahahahahaha) I ended up being the first person there, which gave me plenty of time to pee and freshen up. I ended up having a really fun evening with Ashley from Big Top Family, Ashley from The Malleable Mom, Mike from Papa Does Preach, Jessica from Welcome to the Bundle and her lovely husband Shelby, who I'm convinced spent the evening playing footsie with Mike with their giant man feet.

A happy ending to a horrible GPS experience.


7 comments:

  1. Maybe it's not the phone that's the problem. Maybe you just need a better gps app. This one might be shutting down the phone, not vice versa.

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    Replies
    1. Well thanks, Mr. Obvious. You're a real lifesaver. ;)

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    2. Sorry, but that was exactly what I was thinking as I read your huge nightmare experience. I would blame the app. Having been a programmer, I would blame the software before the hardware. In other words, try a different GPS app.

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    3. Should've prefaced this by saying the phone shuts off on its own all the time, it's just that when I'm using the GPS app it's the WORST time.

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  2. Even though I love my droid phone it seems at times to have a mind of its own and shuts off at the worst times. Its a love/hate relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm telling you sista - iPhones may get a bad rap....but come to the lair and we'll geek out your phone and make it so you can drive your radio from your phone through you PC through your Mac. Seriously. We are GEEKED OUT.

    And I'm totally jealous and want to hear more about mini-reunion!

    ReplyDelete

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