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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Is This Menopause That I'm Feeling?

Why didn't any of you bitches warn me? I'm totally about to spontaneously combust! What in the ever-loving fresh HELL is this?? I. AM. ON. FIRE.

Me. On fire. Somebody bring me some water.

Sweet baby Moses on a Cheeto!! I was sick this past weekend and it's like some switch from the depths of hell was flipped on. I went from mocking my next door neighbor's hot flashes (her house so cold you could hang meat inside) to trying to break INTO her meat locker to get some relief. It's HOT, boys and girls. H.O.T. hot. Piping hot. Steaming hot. Burrrrrrrning hot. And there doesn't seem to be any relief! I take comfort in knowing that it's September and the August heat will soon be but a memory and the freezing cold gales of November will hopefully come early to my little burg. Because Damn.

I used to wake up in the morning with my shirt wet, obviously suffering from a hot flash at some point during the night but not bad enough to wake me up. Now there are flames shooting out of my armpits. There's smoke smouldering out of my ears. The sweat under my boobs so bad that water is pooling in my bra. I could wring that bitch out. This is no joke, my friends. This is not a drill. I am on red alert, literally.

I think I'm starting to enter menopause and it ain't pretty. You'd think with as sweaty as I've been all damn weekend, I'd sweat off a few pounds. Being me is like living inside a sauna with a campfire in the middle, and I'm the marshmallow, roasting on the stick. I'd love to hang out and give you more details about how goddamn hot I am, but I need to go take another freaking shower.

This sucks. That is all for now.

22 comments:

  1. Oh, so not looking forward to that. Praying they cure hot flashes before I get there, but we're running out of time.

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    1. I had high hopes, Cassandra. Didn't happen.

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  2. Hi Teri - I can't even count the number of times I've stuck my head in the freezer. I've stripped in the Home Depot. My office mates play the "sweater on-sweater off" game with me. Welcome to hell, my friend. Menopause can bite my deformed right one. Hugs, Holly

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    1. Very well put, Holly. Hope Home Depot had their cameras rolling when you stripped down!!! :)

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  3. We didn't tell you because you wouldn't have believed us. "It won't happen like that to meeee. I'll just breeze right through it all." BTW, the beginning stage is called "perimenopause" and can go on for a while. Just sayin'. In any event, one day it will all be a pleasant memory, right up there with childbirth . . .

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  4. I think that is the most descriptive way I've heard it put and thanks to you I am now scared. Haven't gotten there myself, but I know it's not far off. Thanks for the warning. Perhaps I will include a meat locker in our basement remodel. :) Cool thoughts sent your way, Snarky.

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    1. Keep an extra seat in that meal locker for me, Mags.

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  5. Try ICool! It is an over-the-counter med and I can't guarantee that it actually does something but it is worth a try!

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    1. I'll try anything once, Heather. Twice if it's chocolate.

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  6. They also never tell you about the feeling that bugs are crawling all over you. But that gives you something to look forward to!

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    1. Say WHAT now??? Bugs??? No, no way. I did NOT sign up for that.

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  7. No way! You're way too young for that. What are you - barely 30?

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    1. Phil, you are my favorite Snarkling, EVER. Tell me more about my eyes.....

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    2. Been there, done that, and actually survived. The absolutely worst was the night sweats. What worked for me was to sleep naked! Or almost naked, panties only. Truly made a world of difference.

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  8. What?! Are you sure you aren't sick? Menopause doesn't usually start at 35, love.

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  9. I started about 9 months ago, it's awful, I'm always hot. I take over the counter Estroven. Two of those babies a day, you can find them pretty much at any drugstore or Costco. They help alot, they don't totally go away but at least now, I can sleep through the night, for the most part. I'm always hot, this summer has been from hell and I can't wait for winter, 30 degrees, cold?? Oh, hell NO, it's still tee shirt and short weather. I jokingly told my husband that I'm ready to move to Alaska. It's unlike anything I've ever gone through. My mom went through this at a early age as well, I'm 46 and mine just started within last 9 months, my mom told me she was pretty much through it by my age, everyone's different. I thought I would be happy to no longer have my period..wrong, I'd gladly take it back if I could get rid of the flashes!!!

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    1. Alaska sounds great right about now, Leesa!

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  10. Replies
    1. Shut up and start pouring the ice water.

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  11. nazirunninghotfashcrazycrackhoSeptember 7, 2014 at 3:36 PM

    Hmmmm all I can say is it SUCKS. Just remember to get a basket of blankets for your guests so they dont turn into popsicle s when they come to visit. I have you can borrow. ;)

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