BLOGU15!!!!!!!

So remember last year when I attended the blogging conference in Baltimore? BlogU14? Remember I was tweeting and Facebooking about it ad nauseam, trying to win back my registration? And I won?? Remember?? Sure you do.

How could you possibly forget the fact that I got stuck in my Retro Prom Gown???

Well I'm going back again! BLOGU15!! This year I'm on staff. I love this conference so much and can't wait to go back and do it again! The friendships that I made continue to this day, and the blogging connections have helped me to have so much more success than I ever dreamed I could have as a blogger.

I've written for sites like Mamalode, In The Powder Room and HuffingtonFREAKINGPost!!! Never would've happened had I not attended BlogU14 last year. So yeah, I'm going back for more this year. I hope to learn what the hell metrics are, how to understand SEO, what the hell I'm doing on Pinterest and how to become more comfortable during live appearances.

I spoke before our local Rotary Club yesterday and was so nervous I almost threw up the free breakfast they provided. So yeah, I may need help.

Of course there will be some down time in addition to all the learnin' that'll be happening. The party Saturday night sponsored by NickMom will be #MiddleSchoolAwkward! There will be lots and lots of pictures coming after this weekend so stay tuned....

My phone, the asshole...

Let me just start by telling you that my phone is an asshole. I'm not sugar coating it, the phone is an asshole. It's a monster, nearly indestructible. It's a Casio that sorta looks like a race car, with its own protective case. It's been dropped too many times to count, and KNOCK ON WOOD it has yet to break. But it's an asshole, nonetheless.

My phone, the asshole

Here's why: It restarts at the WORST. POSSIBLE. TIMES. Like seriously, life and death situations, it shits the bed. I was driving to a little Mexican place back in June. I had just picked up the adorable Kelly Fox from Foxy Wine Pocket, and along with my friend Mimzy from Showers in the Dark, we were heading to the Mexican place for a meetup with a bunch of other bloggers before we all headed to BlogU14. I had been instructed by the Waze GPS app on the monster Casio to make a right turn onto the tiniest street in the history of tiny streets. I went about 6 blocks on this tiny street and when I thought perhaps my Waze app had been smoking the crack pipe, I looked down at the phone, waiting to hear the next instruction. That's when I saw that my phone had restarted.

Are you fucking kidding me? Thank God I wasn't on a busy highway and possibly missed an exit. Eventually, the phone came back on, I brought up the Waze GPS app again and we were able to find the restaurant. "What awful luck!" I thought. Hope THAT shit never happens again.

Guess what.

I was driving to Arlington last night to meet up with some of my BlogU14 buddies for a mini-reunion, and fired up the Waze GPS app again on the old monster Casio. The longer I was on the road, the more I had to pee, until I thought I was going to end up peeing myself (should've worn my free sample of Depend, no lie). So I'm driving and driving and driving and the Waze app is telling me that I need to get off at the Shirlington Exit of I-395, and then make a right onto Campbell Ave. Easy enough. Except I did not see a sign for Campbell Ave. The sign said "Quincy Ave" NOT Campbell Ave. Not wanting to take my eyes off the road to check the map on the tiny GPS app I continued on, hoping that Campbell Ave was just around that next bend. I glanced quickly down Quincy Ave and saw the restaurant where we were scheduled to meet, but it was too late to turn. Apparently, that WAS Campbell Ave. It's just not MARKED Campbell Ave. I'll be calling the dumbasses responsible for that little faux pas.

At that point I had to pee like a freaking race horse, I've missed my turn and just up around that bend I mentioned was the entrance to get back on to I-395. The expletives that escaped from my mouth would make my mother wash my mouth out with soap.

The Waze app instructed me to get off at the next exit, which I did. I'm very good at following directions....when directions are actually being given. However, once I got off the exit, I heard nothing. Dead silence. I carefully looked quickly at the monster Casio for my next bit of direction, and it had, once again, restarted. I repeat, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" I am in Arlington. I have NOT ONE CLUE where I am, my bladder is full to overflowing, and my phone just shit the bed again.

Up ahead on the corner, I saw a BP station. Ah, sweet relief was now in sight. I figured I'd pull into the gas station, empty my screaming bladder while the monster Casio rebooted its damn self, and be back on the road in no time. Except when I got out of the car, I saw a sign on the front door of the gas station that said "Sorry, no public restrooms".

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

First those rat bastards have a blowout on their Deepwater Horizon rig, killing 11 people and basically killing the fishing and tourism industry for years in the Gulf of Mexico and NOW they don't have a public restroom when I need it most! Fuckers.

But, I digress.

I sat in the car until the monster Casio bitch rebooted and brought the GPS app back up and was instructed to make a right, then another right, and lo and behold, there was the garage of the place we were going to eat. As I carefully exited the car, I had to fight off two urges: one was the urge to pee myself, the other was the urge to go to the roof of the parking garage and throw the monster Casio off the roof to its death. But with my luck, I'd end up hitting an unsuspecting, innocent passerby on the street below.

To make a long story short (hahahahahahahahaha) I ended up being the first person there, which gave me plenty of time to pee and freshen up. I ended up having a really fun evening with Ashley from Big Top Family, Ashley from The Malleable Mom, Mike from Papa Does Preach, Jessica from Welcome to the Bundle and her lovely husband Shelby, who I'm convinced spent the evening playing footsie with Mike with their giant man feet.

A happy ending to a horrible GPS experience.

Remember that blogging conference I attended? Check this out!

Oh I know what you're saying, you don't have to speak it aloud. You're saying to yourself, "She went to a blogging conference over a week and a half ago so why hasn't she posted anything about it? What a loser." Well shut up. You don't need to harp on me, I know I've been a lazy slug. But geesh, I DO have a full time job ya know. AND a house to keep (excuse me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). I'm sorry but life's been busy, so cut me some much needed slack, okay?

There is a bunch of stuff happening that you may not know about so I'm slowing making my way back into the blogiverse. One idea at a time.

BlogU14 was absolutely amazing. Like, totally phenomenal. I geeked out from the minute I got out of my car until the minute I left the parking lot for the long (long) drive home. The first 2 people I came upon were Rebecca of Frugalista Blog and Kerry from House TalkN. And let me just tell you, I was TOTALLY star-struck. Seriously. These are blogging ROYALS in my book. I love them and I wasn't afraid to tell them (over and over. I think there may be a restraining order (or 9) in my future). I feel like the teacher from Romper Room with the following sentence: I saw Jessica from Four Plus an Angel, Bethany from Bad Parenting Moments, Stephanie from Binkies and Briefcases and one of my ULTIMATE faves, Meredith from Mom of the Year. I turned the corner to get my name badge and saw Kim from Let Me Start by Saying. Oh. My. God. Then I went into the candy bar and met Andrea from Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess and Tara from You Know It Happens at Your House Too. Holy Blogging Gods, Batman!! I've died and gone to blogging heaven. Then, slowly I turned around and found myself face to face with her. THE ONE. The genius behind People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Jen. I probably scared her a little, what with the drooling and the blank stare, but I was starstruck. Know who else I got to meet?? Karen from Baby Sideburns. She's so tiny I could put her in my pocket, but I didn't because that'd be totally creepy. (but seriously, I could have).

But you know what the REALLY bizarre thing is? People knew ME. ME! Folks were coming up to me and saying "Oh my God you're Snarkfest? I LOVE you!! Tell me about meeting Mike Rowe!!" It was just a very surreal experience. I texted my husband and said "Hey, how weird is this? People KNOW me here, people are coming up to me like they KNOW me." His response was this: "You are a famous blogger, who interviews famous person." You can read about that here and watch all the videos here.

And the one thing I know you're ALL thrilled about (since you all had to deal with me posting, FB'ing and Tweeting every damn day about how I wanted to #getschooled at #BlogU14) is that I WON BACK MY REGISTRATION FEE!! Here I am with the stunningly beautiful Anna Luther from My Life and Kids as she gives me my money. Isn't she gorgeous?? (and not because she's giving me money, I swear).

Photo courtesy: @TheBlogU on Twitter

Friday we had an opening reception (with cookies! and beer!) and I got to meet a bunch of my fellow Pee Alone authors. VERY excited to meeting them in person. I was totally fangirling out. I met so many awesome folks that night that my head was spinning. My roommate and fellow Pee Alone co-contributor Bethany Meyers of I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping was the QUEEN of photobombing that weekend, as you can see from these pics below:

Me and Katie from Somewhat Sane Mom (and Bethany)

Me and Carisa from Do You Read Me? (and Bethany)

I was so excited to meet so many of my favorite bloggers at Friday night's welcome party:

UN-Photobombed pic of me and Katie from Somewhat Sane Mom

My gorgeous roommate Bethany Meyer and me

The 3 sexy moms who wrote It's Really 10 Months. LOVED these ladies, from L to R, Natalie, Kim, Me & Celeste

Totally hilarious Suzanne from Toulouse & Tonic

Holy crap I'm almost sitting on Kim Bongiorno's Lap! Kim's the genius behind Let Me Start By Saying

I was so happy I got to meet Paige Kellerman in person, I almost peed! (ok maybe I did pee)

Me and Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom. She's tiny and the most hilarious person I've ever met

OH. MY. GOD. Meeting Rebecca from Frugalista Blog made my night!!!

The sessions that the faculty led for us were informative, educational and pretty much KICK-ASS full of great advice for bloggers. The topics ranged from going from writing a blog to a book, dealing with Pinterest, Twitter Facebook and Insta-something or other. Also on the list of subjects was how to make money with your writing and your blog, becoming a better writer and so much more. The selfless bloggers who doubled as our teachers were so generous with their time and their knowledge, and I applaud every one of them for what they did for us.

After all the sessions were over, we ate the crap outta some awesome cupcakes and then headed back to our room. Bethany, Michelle from Momma O's Musings, and Marguerite from Skipping Towards Happiness decided to go outside and enjoy the remainder of the amazingly beautiful weather. We sat on the lawn of this truly incredible campus and soaked in the sun and spoke about a million different topics.

After dinner, we came back to the room and got ready for the prom thrown for us by the folks at NickMom. And yes, here is how I looked in the dress. THE dress. The dress I got from Goodwill that nearly killed me.

Sexy anonymous date and me. You can't see my butt bow from here.

What an amazing time at the prom. I danced more at the NickMom Prom than I did at my own prom 12 years ago (or so). Shut up. It was an absolutely blast, as you can see from these pics.

Our suite-mate Caroline from Not Enough Wine in the World

Sexy bitches, Christine of Keeper of the Fruit Loops and Bethany

Bethany, Celeste, me, Natalie and Kim (It's Really 10 Months) We. Are. Hot.

Quite possibly my favorite picture of all time. Me and Kerry from HouseTalkN.
She was my Long Duck Dong. I was her sexy girlfriend.

The beautiful Carrie from Just Mildly Medicated. Don't let the chair fool you, she rocked out!

Jennifer of Real Life Parenting. I felt like I had known her for years!

This is the sexy Shit-Tay-Tay, aka Stacia from Dried On Milk

The one guy who came to BlogU14 turned out to be just a fantastic fella! Mike from Papa Does Preach                 

The incredible faculty who schooled us at BlogU14. I love every one of them. Hard.

But as is always the case, all good things must come to an end. We woke up Sunday morning and went to this PHENOMENAL little hole in the wall called Paper Moon Diner. When I tell you that this place has unbelievably amazing food, I swear to God I am NOT lying. We were STUNNED at how delicious this food was. If you find yourself in the Baltimore area, GO TO THE PAPER MOON DINER. I swear, you will NOT be disappointed.

So there is my BlogU14 recap. I had a tremendous time and I can't wait to go to BlogU15 next year!!

Then I got stuck in a dress at Goodwill...

Totally not kidding.

Many of you know that I'm going to a blogging conference next Friday. It's BlogU 14 and unless you live under a rock or it's your first time here, you know what I'm talking about. I've been tweeting and Facebooking about it for months now, in an attempt to win back my registration costs. Aside from the chance to win some cash, I'm truly excited about going to this conference.

It'll be my first blogging conference and there are so many hilarious ladies (and one awesome dude) that will be there, it's like a veritable buffet of laughs and coolness.

But there is one dark side to this whole thing. On Wednesday, I almost died. Yes, it's true. Because of my love for this conference, I nearly lost my life. Let me explain.

I had asked my friend Tonya to keep an eye out for 'retro-gowns' (think: big, poofy, 80's), so when she texted me Wednesday afternoon telling me that she had found the perfect dress for me at Goodwill, I was all over it! She had them put the dress aside for me AND talked them down to just $20! I prayed this dress would fit, because I hate shopping for 'retro-gowns' (ok I've NEVER shopped for 'retro-gowns') and it would just be so much easier to have someone else find it for me.

After work, I headed to Goodwill, grabbed the dress and went into the dressing room. I took the montrosity off the hangar and lifted it over my head. I then struggled with the zipper until it was almost all the way up. SUCCESS! It (almost) FIT!! I was so glad that it fit that I took this pic while in the Goodwill dressing room:

Me, in all my pink poofy retro glory

It's floor-length, and so hot that I'm sure I will sweat my ass off, but it (almost) fit and I didn't have to go out looking for another dress, so I made the decision to buy it. Then I tried to get out of it. And that's when it happened. I came close to dying right then and there in the Goodwill dressing room. Seriously. I started sweating, my heart began to race and I had 9-1-1 on standby. When I was unzipping the dress, the gigantic, almost blanket-sized tag got caught in the zipper. See for yourself:

Giant tag caught in zipper, while the dress is on. I nearly died!

As you can see, I was in a bit of a pickle. I was wearing the dress, the zipper was on the opposite side of my body from my eyes and my hands so I was working blindly and pretty much having a heart attack. I said to myself: "Self, the first thing you're gonna do if you ever get out of this dress is CUT OFF THAT FUCKING TAG!" I convinced myself that it would be better to die alone in the dressing room than to die of embarrassment by having to ask someone at Goodwill to come into my dressing room and help get me out of this dress-of-death. So I went to my happy place (where there's wine and chocolate), slowed my breathing and concentrated on not dying. I took my arms out of the top of the dress and was able to turn the dress around just enough that I could see the tag in the zipper. I swear I could hear the tag laughing at me but that may have just been my imagination.

Eventually, I freed the tag from the zipper and cursed at it strongly before extricating myself from the dress without the use of the jaws of life. It was touch and go for awhile, and ultimately, I got myself a pretty cool dress for a really cheap price. 

I can't wait to wear it at BlogU 14 next weekend, and yes, as soon as I got it home, I made that tag my bitch.