Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

New series: I've Kissed A Lot of Frogs...

Starting today I'm going to begin a new series that I will write weekly regularly whenever I get off my ass and write it. The series is called "I've Kissed a Lot of Frogs" and it will feature various stories of all the jackasses losers jerks assbags fellas I dated before I found my one true love. Trust me. I've got a lot of stories to tell. Because seriously, I really HAVE kissed a lot of frogs.



In honor of 16's Prom this weekend I'm going to tell you the story of my senior prom date. I went with a guy that I was seeing, let's call him E. E's friends and my friends had all coupled up in the months leading up to the Prom, so we all went together. When E came to pick me up, he looked very handsome in his black tux, white shirt, black cummerbund and.... no socks. My mother was horrified. The guy was dressed to the nines with no socks.

Flash forward to the Prom. We had fun. My friend M and her boyfriend E (but a different E, not my E, so to avoid any further confusion, let's call them ME as a couple) had been together for quite awhile longer than the rest of us. M and I concocted a plan where we'd dress sexy under our gowns, and by sexy I mean thigh highs and garter belts. Hey, we were 17 and thought that's what guys liked. We didn't know we were about to be dressed like hookers. Anyway, I digress. After the prom, we all went to the hotel suite that we had all pitched in to rent.

We had some soda and chips, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DRANK BACK THEN, MY DEAR DAUGHTERS, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, and had some fun. Then E and I retreated to the bedroom.

Up until that time, I was a good girl. I still had my virginity intact. But I was prepared to give it up to E that night, despite the fact that he wore no socks to my Prom. We were pretty close to sealing the deal when I came up with this hair-brained idea that he should probably wear a condom.  I know, it's crazy, right? I really didn't think I was asking too much. I mean, what 17 year old guy doesn't have a condom in his wallet?? It was the 80's for crying out loud! Well we bickered back and forth for a few minutes. He had a condom in his glove compartment in the car. But he didn't feel like going down to the car to get it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He wanted ME to go down to his car and get his condom out of his glove compartment. Yes, read that sentence again. I'll wait. No. Freaking. Way.

Needless to say, no virginity was lost that night.

I DID, however, end up giving it to him later that summer, after graduation. (Shut up, I was young and stupid) This time, his condom was in his dresser drawer, so there was no bickering that night. However, that dresser was located in a bedroom in a house he shared with his grandmother. His 128 year old grandmother WHO WALKED IN ON US AS WE WERE BUMPING UGLIES. No lie, I died of embarrassment right there on the spot. Since she was 128, I'm not really sure she knew exactly what was going on, but that didn't matter. The deed was done and we were caught red-handed. That was my last contact with E. EVER.

So my first time was about as awesome as a root canal while giving birth with no pain killers. Stick around, the stories only get uglier as we go along.


9 comments:

  1. I thought my family was the only one that said "bumping uglies".....can't wait to hear more.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jen, for some reason last night, 'bumping uglies' was the only euphemism I could think of. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. HAHA that is hilarious..bravo to you for sharing your first time story,, I cant even admit mine to myself LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I hope it wasn't oversharing!

      Delete
  4. Oh goodness. I don't mean to laugh. Really, I don't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure, fine, laugh away. I can take it. :D

      Delete
  5. As the saying goes - no glove, no love!

    128? Hahaha!

    ReplyDelete

I do read all comments and try to respond to them. Unless you're trying to get me to visit your website: Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags. Then you can go pound sand.