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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 16 and 14. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Somebody save me from myself

I can't be the only one that this has happened to. Please tell me I'm not alone. Please?


It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in the fall, and I went out for a nice, relaxing day of shopping. No husband, no kids, just me and my credit card. Ahhhh, so nice to get out and do something nice for me. I don't have to pick anything up for anyone else, I can be selfish and pick out a few nice things just for myself. Husband had plenty of socks and under-thingies, kids had been out shopping the week before and I didn't have to take out a second mortgage on the house, so I did what any red-blooded American mom would do. I went shopping. For myself.

I strolled around the store, browsing. Such pretty things on the racks. I pulled out a few nice looking blouses, a few pairs of pants and this adorable dress that would've been perfect for my nephew's wedding the following month. I took my haul into the dressing room, dropped trou and began trying things on.

And that's when the misery started.

The pants were too tight. When the hell did that happen?? Shopping by yourself is great, don't get me wrong, but it's also nice to have a minion around in such cases where you love the pants but hate the fit and need another pair (in a goddamn bigger size). So I took them off and hung them up and then put them on the "sorry clothes, you're not coming home with me today" hook. It's a sad hook, really.

After being disgusted by the next several pieces I tried on, and putting them all on the 'No effing way' hook, I got to the dress. It was adorable. It was a tea-length, long-sleeve number that you pulled over your head and zipped up the back. It was somewhat sheer at the top but not in a tasteless, 'leave nothing to the imagination, you look like a two-bit hooker' sheer. Just above the hooters. From the hooters down it was dark green velvet with shimmery gold thingies woven into the fabric. So pretty. I took it off the hanger, unzipped it and put that bad boy right over my head and pulled it down.

With only a little bit of a struggle.

I was able to zip it up about halfway because I don't have extra long monkey arms. And when I looked at myself in the mirror, in this adorable dress, I frowned. It looked so much prettier on the hanger.

There was a quote from a comedian that my husband and I will use sometimes:

Woman: "This doesn't look like much on the hanger but it looks so much better on"
Man: "On what? On fire?"

Sadly, I wasn't going to buy that dress that day, because it just wasn't working for me. So I moved my non-monkey arms to the back and attempted to unzip it. And it got stuck. That's when panic started to creep up on my. I began to sweat. Then I began talking to myself. "Oh God no, don't start sweating, dumbass, you'll NEVER get it off if your body's tacky with sweat." And yes, it was out loud. That's how I roll. Sweaty and chatty in a dressing room, trapped in a dress.

When you're sweaty and wearing something tight, then you try to take off that tight thing, that tight thing doesn't want to work its way off of sweaty skin. It wants to stay on you. It mocks you. It laughs at you. It says "Sorry fat ass, you're not getting rid of me that easily. This is fun!" The more I moved, the stronger the hold the dress had on me. I tried to work my arms out of the sleeves but the dress was having none of it. My arms were stuck in something equivalent to Chinese finger traps.

Photo courtesy: OrientalTrading.com

The dress was not letting me go. I was destined to be stuck in this green velvet dress for the rest of my life. I guess if you think about it, I'd save money on new clothes. Oh what the hell was I thinking, I had to get out of that dress and quick!

It was then that I heard someone entering the dressing room. And I did what any mature, grown woman would do. I shouted "Can you help me????" at the top of my lungs. I said "I swear to God I'm not some psychopath pervert, but the zipper is stuck and I can't get out of my dress!" Thank goodness the lady didn't turn and run out of the dressing room and call the cops. Instead, I opened the door and turned my back to her and she was able to release me from the jaws of death. (shut up, that's what it felt like at the time). I thanked her profusely and may have even offered my kids' babysitting services, I didn't care, I was just thrilled to be free from the monster.

I sat down for a few minutes to allow my sweaty body to dry off a bit and was finally able to get the dress over my head and pull my arms out of the sleeves. I hung the dress back on the hanger, still a little damp from my sweat and put it on the 'I wouldn't buy you if you were the last dress on the planet' hook. I put my clothes back on, gave the dress the finger and headed out of the store.

Then I went to Dairy Queen for some Blizzard therapy.

28 comments:

  1. OMG this is awesome (sorry but it really is). I have never been trapped in my dress, but I have been trapped in my spanx and needed the hubs to pull me out of it. Talk about hot - literally and physically.

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    1. Trapped in Spanx!!! Sounds like Lost in Space only tighter.

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  2. This incident would have made a hilarious video!

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    1. Absolutely hilarious. Thank goodness no one had a phone or video camera in the dressing rooms. That's not exactly how I want to make my screen debut.

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  3. Oh man, this was SO funny. I have definitely been there. Also, while I was reading this post I was suddenly transported back in time to my dentists office when I was 7. He left me in the room to pick out a toy while he went to do whatever dentists do in their backroom. I tried the Chinese finger trap. I didn't know what it was. And I got STUCK.

    I could not figure out how to get that stupid thing off. I was completely embarrassed, ashamed, and certain I needed to find a way to HIDE MY HANDS QUICK before he got back. Just moments before he walked back into the room, I managed to tear the thing in half with my newly cleaned teeth.

    "Did you pick a toy Jenny?" "Um, yes. Yes I did. It's really cool. Thanks so much. You're the best dentist ever!"

    (CRAPPIEST dentist ever! What kind of dentist would booby trap the prize box! What a creep!)

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    1. Sorry you were transported back in time to a crappy dentist memory, but I'm glad you came to visit me! Love your site! I never write on meat if I can avoid it.

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  4. LMAO that was hilarious (sorry) however Ive been in similar situations. I too sweat like crazy when I cant get something off Im like oh god im stuck and mortified!

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    1. The shopping's not bad, Molley, it's the trying on that sucks!

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  6. Snort laugh!! Yes, yes I did!!! I loved all the names you had for the hook for the godforsaken rejects. Loved this! :)

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    1. Can I just tell you how happy I am that you were finally able to comment???

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  7. Blizzard therapy is always the answer. Always.

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  8. I call that last hanger the "And Fuck You Too" hanger. Thank you for the hysterical story--very entertaining and a nice reminder to know that I'm not alone. Except I would have gone for some Pinot Noir therapy.

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    1. I would never turn down Pinot therapy. Malbec therapy would be even better!

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  9. I had a shirt stuck on me before that I think needed the jaws of life to remove it from me. Totally sucked. Luckily I was at home and my husband helped me. You are not alone in this. "When clothes attack people" should be a new reality show.

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    1. Your husband helped you?? Lucky! I'm looking into that reality show!!

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  10. naziwhackjobcrazyrunninghoFebruary 4, 2014 at 8:52 PM

    Tooo funny that is what you get because you forgot to ask your Bestie to go shopping with ya...HA@!! You know it takes a tag team to shop sometimes. I could have whooped that green velvets arrrss for ya. Hilarious story. ...

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    1. Thanks, Pal. I've seen you shop, next time I'll seek your assistance!

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  11. And that's why I also hate shopping.

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    1. I like the shopping, I hate the trying on.

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  12. OMG! You are killing me! I got trapped in a dress once and yes I flushed with a wave of nausea and panic. It took me sitting down (thankfully I was capable of this) and calming down before the final attempt that worked. I swear I thought I was leaving in that dress... and not happily...

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    1. Scariest feeling! Like you'll never get out of it!

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  13. LOL! This would have been great with some pictures of you trapped in the dress, and even video of it. Good call on Dairy Queen to recover from the trauma!

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    1. Thanks Phil, lucky for me no cameras. But lots of DQ

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  14. I got trapped in a dress, and no amount of deep breaths could calm down my panic. I ripped that bitch. And then I paid for it. That's right. I BOUGHT a stupid, torn piece of clothing that not only was I too fat to wear, but also that was too tattered to even donate. And I cried. Oh, how I cried.

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    1. Wow you're a better person than I am, Andi!!

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I do read all comments and try to respond to them. Unless you're trying to get me to visit your website: Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags. Then you can go pound sand.