Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Late evening Tuesday Tirade......

See this dog right here? This is a rottweiler/basset hound mix. Giant head, low-rider body. Funniest looking dog I've ever seen, and I have a friend who has 2. They're like bookends. Gargoyles. Roller skates. Adorable.


Unless you're trying to drive out of the driveway and they hold you hostage. Then, not so adorable. Then, you want to scream. Case in point: I picked up my friend's daughter Sally to take her to volleyball practice with my daughter, 14. Enter Skippy and Scrappy, the twins. I pulled into the driveway and Skippy came running out to greet me. As Sally got into the car, Scrappy joined Skippy and they proceeded to go ballistic on my car. Unfortunately, my car sits up a little too high for me to see them going ballistic on my car. So picture this in your mind. I'm in my Chevy Traverse trying to back up to turn around to get out of the driveway. I can HEAR them barking, but I can't see them. I ask Sally if they'll move if I drive, she says "Probably.....well, Scrappy will, I don't know about Skippy." That's helpful.

I pulled forward about 3 inches and I could hear them barking and I could see the shadow of tails wagging in my headlights, but damned if I could see them. I had no clue where they were. Were they in front of me? Were they next to me? Was I going to run over their little paws? Did I turn off the iron? Who shot JR?

Sally told me to just drive, they'll 'probably get out of the way'. Probably isn't going to explain to your daddy why he's down one dog and why I have puppy guts in my tire treads. It wasn't bad enough that they are too low for me to see from my car, what was worse was that I could hear them but couldn't tell where they were. And I had to get the girls to practice. So I started sweating and driving really slowly, expecting at any moment to hear a whine/yelp/crunch. I'd see one jumping ahead of the car but couldn't see the other one. Then they'd both disappear and for crying out loud I've only gone 6 feet and these people have a 300 foot driveway. WHY?? My only saving grace was the invisible fence. That's RIGHT! There's an invisible fence! I asked Sally where the fence line was, and her response was 'about halfway down the driveway'. What? Are you kidding me? I had made it 6 feet. I still had 144 feet to go before these dogs would hit the barrier and turn around.

Slowly I inched my way forward, dodging dogs, expecting to flatten one at any second. How would I explain this to the volleyball coach? Sorry coach, the girls would've been on time but I was being held hostage by two barking ottomans?

Not a real dog

Finally after nearly having a heart attack with the dogs jumping in front of my car, then running around back, then along the sides, all completely invisible to me, I was finally able to break free and leave the property. The girls were only a few minutes late to practice. However, it is now time to go back and pick them up and drop Sally back off at her house. I may park at the front and walk her up the driveway. Or I may take my chances and play chicken with the dogs. We'll see if Skippy will really move. Probably. Hopefully....

28 comments:

  1. whew! That does sound awful....and funny at the same time!! Damn dogs!! :D

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    1. It was frustrating and hilarious at the same time, Roshni!

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  2. What kind of a friend would make you drive up that driveway????!!!! She must suck... or she must be in Phoenix or she probably did it so she could inspire one of your AWESOME BLOGS!! ;) Love you!!

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    1. She does suck sometimes. So I've heard. But she has wonderful taste in furniture, er, I mean dogs, and I love her!!!

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  3. Who shot JR? Bwahahahaha! I think I would tell your lovely friend's kid to walk out to the front. No driveway ottomans for you.

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    1. Sally offered to walk back up the driveway but I was ready for the ottomans!

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  4. I own a dog like that...only he is generally big enough to see...until he goes for the tires. It does not matter which car I drive -Suburban, convertibles, Corolla, etc. When the day comes that he comes up lame, I will truly understand. To date we have driven over at least one paw, and #3 got his rear end when student driving. He still goes for cars and the tires, but it does slow him down a bit after a run in with a vehicle.

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    1. It's funny how being hit or run over a little doesn't deter them from continuing to chase!

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  5. That is an awesome looking dog! Oh yeah, the one pictured at the top is cool too. ;)

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    1. LOL thanks, I'm working on drawing cats next.

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  6. My idiot dogs do the same thing. My friends ask "will they move?" And I answer, "they should. "
    So far, so good. They're 9 and 11.
    They keep intruders away?

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    1. LOL 'they should'. Yes, hopefully I won't end up with domesticated roadkill under the car.

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    2. I should clarify that mine only do it as a greeting. You're free to leave whenever you like.

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  7. Barking ottomans! I love it! I'm also really glad that you clarified in the caption of your picture that it's "not a real dog." Sometimes it's hard to know. I have a dog who is a complete a-hole to guests and looks like a Swiffer duster, so I get it.

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    1. I didn't want there to be any confusion, I can see how people could mix up the real dog with the fake dog up there. ;)

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  8. I L-O-V-E those dogs! I so very badly want a set of my own.

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    1. I know where you can get a set! They fit nicely on a bookshelf!

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  9. Better keep some emergency biscuits or slabs of meat in the car for next time to lure them away with!

    Remminded me of this commercial -

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zl0zw1YVZd4

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  10. Those are some darn cute dogs. I'm glad you were careful because they would not be so cute if they were squished.

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    1. Me too, where would I rest my feet if I squished them?

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  11. Very cute dog, but I must say that would have given me a heart attack! Thanks for a well needed laugh though!

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  12. The good news - if you hit one, the other will probably move out of your way next time. Good thing they got 2.

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  13. I love the humor! Ans theinsights you put into it. Thank for sharing this with us.

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  14. LOL You are hilarious!
    Were they in front of me? Were they next to me? Was I going to run over their little paws? Did I turn off the iron? Who shot JR?

    These are the questions that demand answers!

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