Holiday Traditions

Bringing back a classic Snarkfest post for the holidays. Merry Christmas everyone!


Since it's September 25, exactly 3 months away from the Christmas Holidays, I thought I'd share with you one of the traditions we had in my family growing up, especially since it feels like fricking December outside right now. My family was pretty tiny. My parents divorced when I was 7, and when I was 12 my big brother left to go into the Marine Corps. Once he left home, it was just mom and me. Mom did her best to make every holiday special, and Christmas was almost always one of my favorites. But from the time I was 12, I almost always made things pretty easy on my mom. It sort of went like this:

Mom: Here's the Sears catalog, pick out a few things for yourself.
Me: Like, clothes?
Mom: Yes, maybe some outfits and if you see any toys you might want, circle them and we'll see what we can do.
Me: Bitchin!

Ok not really, but the reality of it was, she was a single, working mom, taking care of me, the house, the bills, the laundry, etc. so if Mom needed easy, easy she would get. So I'd follow the tradition of going through the Sears catalog (and on an aside here, does anyone REMEMBER how BIG the Sears catalog was back in the day??? Jesus, you could stand on the Sears catalog and reshingle your roof without the aid of an extension ladder, it was THAT BIG!) But I digress. I'd search the pages and find some pretty tops and some dorky pants (I didn't own my first pair of jeans until I was like, 15. Geek? Party of one? Your pants are ugly). And then I'd flip to the back of the book where the GOLD MINE awaited me. Snoopy snow cone makers!! How effing cool were they??? Barbie three story town house WITH THE WORKING ELEVATOR!?!?!?! Oh my God it was almost to much to take in!!

So getting back to the family tradition, I'd pick out some stuff, Mom would order it, pick it up, wrap it and on Christmas morning I'd open my presents and say "Wow, I love this top! How did you know???" or "Oh Mom I love these pants!! All the dorky 12 year olds will think I'm the shit!" Ok that wasn't actually the tradition. The tradition in my house was, you went to Midnight Mass (which was at 8:00, I think our Monsignor may have had plans at midnight so he always went a bit early) and then came home and you got to open one present. Now, remembering everything you've read up to this point, can anything ever really be a surprise here? Well guess what! You're right, nothing was ever a surprise. Until the one year I went a little nuts and circled a cork board in the Sears catalog. I wanted a Snoopy cork board for my room so I could hang up stuff. Like my posters of Scott Baio and John Stamos (don't judge, Chachi was my world before he was Charles in Charge. Blackie Parrish said goodnight to me every night from my walls and my cork board).  Now the year I picked out the cork board, everything went as planned. Mom and I went to Midnight (8:00) Mass, came home, lit the fire place and I got to go through my presents and pick one to open. Since I knew what almost everything was, it wasn't like I was going to open one and say "Oh my God!!! It's they keys to a DeLoreon!!! How did you know??!!?!?!" But there was this tiny little present on the floor behind all the boxes of tops and dork pants. And when I picked it up, it made a funny sound. "What's this??? I don't recall circling anything this small!" Could it be a surprise??? Could Mom have gone for the two point conversion??? How cool!! I would FINALLY be surprised on Christmas!! Life was going to rock. I was going to open this little noisy box and find a pretty necklace or earrings that I wasn't expecting!

I tore open the pretty wrapping to find...........push pins for my cork board.

Surprise!!!!! Do you LOVE IT?!?!?!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Elf on the awww HELL no!!! And other holiday musings...

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.

I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the 10-Second Tidy. I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, 7 lbs of powdered sugar, 7 lbs of brown sugar and 2 lbs of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damned with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me, you douchey prick" card?

Oh don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have 15 bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched. 

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Bah humbug. 

Christmas Blues.......I gotz 'em

half and half
eggs
juice
butter

Oh, hey, sorry, just making my list for the grocery store. Got more baking to do tonight. After all, it is the Christmas season. It's the time of year for magic, caroling, decorating the tree and spending time with family, holiday shopping, writing out cards. Normally I've got it. But the past few years, I've started to lose my grasp on things. Maybe it's because my kids are getting older. Maybe it's because I'm so far away from my Mom, but it gets tougher every year for me to get into the Christmas spirit. When I lived in Jersey, I looked forward to this time of year as soon as my Thanksgiving Dinner was digested. But since I moved here to WV, it gets harder and harder for me to get into the spirit every year. A few years ago, we didn't even get a tree. The kids put up pictures of decorated Christmas trees next to the fireplace, with a request for Santa to leave the presents there. Pathetic, huh?

This year it's probably the worst it's ever been. Yes, I'm stressed about money. Who isn't? And I'm also stressed that it is exactly ONE WEEK until Christmas Day, and I haven't baked nearly as much I have in previous years, nor have I written out a single card, my house isn't the slightest bit decorated (except for about 6 cards taped up in a doorway). We have the tree standing in the garage and I'm hopeful that it will eventually make its way into the house. I'll have the girls decorate it this weekend. But since we've had basketball games or practices every night, a wedding back in NJ this past weekend, band concerts, Christmas parties for various activities, we haven't had a single moment to relax.

This year I promised 16 that I'd get her a varsity lettermen's jacket for Christmas. Unfortunately, the store where I want to make the purchase doesn't have very convenient hours, so we haven't even made it there for her to TRY ON a damn jacket. Yes she'll get her jacket, but it might not be until after St. Patrick's Day. Merry Christmas, darling.

And for the love of God why can't I stop crying?? I'm telling you, the older I get, the more emotional I get. And I say FUCK YOU MENOPAUSE!! I swear, I cry all the damn time. At the stupidest of things. I read an article on AOL about a guy whose seeing eye dog saved his life after the guy fell onto the tracks from a subway platform. When I read that the dog is 11 and will be retiring soon, and that the guy can't afford to keep him and he's looking for a home for the dog, I cried like a baby. Then I remembered that my friend Mindy just lost her kitty this week, and cried even harder.

I miss my Dad, I miss our talks on the phone. If he were alive today, we'd be discussing how ridiculous Ruben Amaro Jr.'s decisions have become when it comes to acquiring new players for the Phillies. And Dad would be so excited if he knew that there was going to be a new 24 movie next summer. But he's gone and I miss him.

I miss my Mom who is thankfully still with us but suffering from COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 these days. I don't know how many more Christmases I'll have with her and being so far away from her just breaks my heart. So naturally, I cry.

I cry for those who will spend Christmas alone this year because they've lost loved ones, or because their loved ones are deployed. I cry at video clips of soldiers and sailors surprising their loved ones by coming home unexpectedly. I cry at sad Christmas songs. Shit I cry at HAPPY Christmas songs. I cry when I hear the Waitresses singing about the guy in the line she's been chasin' all year and they realize that they won't be spending Christmas alone this year after all.

I just have the blues. Am I alone? How do you cheer yourself up and get yourself out of the holiday rut?

Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?

So both Joy at Evil Joy and Stef at Mom-spirational have tagged me in a little thing that’s been making its way around the blogosphere called:  “Who the Hell Are You?” It’s this game that helps us get to know one another.  My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to answer 25 easy questions – then tag people.  I hate tagging people and making them answer questions but the life of my washing machine depends on it. And I don’t have any money for a new washer or a repairman, so I’m succumbing to peer pressure and tagging some folks. But first the answers to the questions from yours truly:

1.  Where were you born?  Methodist Hospital, South Philadelphia

2.  Were you named after someone?  St. Theresa the Little Flower (shut up). I was actually almost named Maureen but it didn’t really flow with my maiden name so they opted to name me after a saint (again, shut up)

3.  How many children do you have?  2 daughters: Damian and Satan.

4.  How many pets do you have?  2 dogs, Henry and Cosmo and 1 cat, Cinnamon (Dumbass)

5.  Your worst injury?  Since I’m so graceful, there have been many. I broke my littlest piggy toe the night before a trip to Hershey Park so walking from one end of the park to the other with my in-laws was nothing short of a little slice of heaven. I’ve also pulled my back muscles out a few times, and I once had an ear infection where the pain rivaled the scene in Indiana Jones where they pull the guys heart out of his chest

6.  Do you have a special talent?  Not sure if it’s a talent but I love to bake and I’m a baking maniac every Christmas

7.  Favorite thing to bake? Pear custard bars because everyone for whom I’ve ever made them absolutely raves about them. (see #6)

8.  Favorite Fast Food? Diary Queen French Silk Pie blizzard with twist ice cream (if you want to get specific)

9.   Would you bungee jump? Hell to the NO. But I would skydive. Go figure.

10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?  Usually their eyes. Especially if they’re crossed

11.  When was the last time you cried?  This morning when I saw this video:

 

Video courtesy of YouTube

 

12.  Any current worries? Always worry about money, my girls, if I’m a good enough mom, if I’ll ever lose weight, and my biggest worry is about my mom’s declining health.

13.  Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.  Water, coffee, wine (not necessarily in that order)

14.  What’s your favorite book?  The Talisman – Stephen King & Peter Straub

15.  Would you like to be a pirate? No because I sound ridiculous whenever I say ‘arrrrgh’ plus I look ridiculous in an eye patch and am allergic to parrots

16.  Favorite Smells? A real old fashioned bakery that makes cookies and cakes

17.  Why do you blog?  Because I can. I enjoy making people laugh and if by blogging I get to do that, then that is icing on my cake!

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?  Picasso’s Last Words (Drink to Me) by Paul McCartney

19.  What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Being short. If I was about 5’6” I’d be so much better proportioned, but being 5’1” my proportions are that of a member of the Lollipop Guild

20.  Favorite hobby? I absolutely love reading books but sadly I almost never have the time to do that anymore. Not a big fan of reading on a Nook or a Kindle but I supposed I should start getting used to it.

21.  Name Something you’ve done, you never thought you would do?  Run marathons

22.  What do you look for in a friend? A sense of humor.  If you are my friend then you have the ability to find humor in all different situations.

23.  Favorite Fun things to do?  Family nights with my crew, we do a lot of family movie nights and I love that. Also love running with my 15 year old.

24.  Pet peeves?  Liars, phony people, muddy, dirty dogs on my clean floor (ok my floors are never clean, quite possibly because I’ve got muddy, dirty dogs

25.  What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Talking to Holly Frye on the phone a little while ago. Holly always makes me laugh.

And now for those I'm tagging:

Life on the SONny Side

Pocketful of Joules

I Want Backsies

Gina Valley

Lorca Damon   

A Mother Life

Minivans, Meltdowns & Merlot 

Martinis & Minivans

Sadder But Wiser 

Motherhood: A Descent into Madness 

YOU'RE IT!!! Tell us WHO ARE YOU?!?!