Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Elf on the awww HELL no!!! And other holiday musings...

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.



I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the 10-Second Tidy. I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, 7 lbs of powdered sugar, 7 lbs of brown sugar and 2 lbs of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damned with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me, you douchey prick" card?

Oh don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have 15 bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched. 

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Bah humbug. 


25 comments:

  1. 'thanks for giving me mono and breaking up with me you douchey prick'
    Comedy gold right there. I just had to take my tea-stained jumper off because of it.

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    1. Sorry about the tea, but not sorry I called him a douchey prick. It was pretty douchey.

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  2. Crap!! Christmas cards!! I knew I forgot something! *heads out to Walmart.

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    1. Plenty of time, Robin. I may be shooting for the after-the-holiday arrivals, just to keep the season going for a few extra days (weeks).

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  3. Yep. Me too. I've got a bag of flour, a bag of sugar, one of every kind of those Betty Crocker cookie mixes, and a stack of cards I'm sick of looking at. Welcome to Christmas. Is it over yet? ;)

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    1. Pretty close, Linda. I'm counting down the minutes until I can put everything in the cupboard until next year.

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  4. I'm with you on that! We don't do elf on a shelf in the UK, even if we did my 2 girls are 15&11, so I too had to endure the teletubbies & that effing purple dinosaur that I sincerely wish the asteroid had dropped on. Of course because I hated that dinosaur, both my girls loved him. So we had to get all his crap, and every. Night. For. What. Seemed. Like. Lifetime. I had to read one of his books over & over & over again that is until the book disappeared. So there is just no way I could handle an elf for a month, I'm still recovering from the dinosaur......*sigh* :)

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  5. My Christmas cards aren't even addressed: just sitting on my kitchen counter giving me the stink-eye because I haven't gotten to them yet. Maybe tonight?

    As for the Creepy Elf - glad my baby is grown and I don't have to worry about that. So I go to Pinterest and look at all the really creepy, evil, wicked ideas that people have come up with and just laugh. Vicarious Christmas pranks I guess.

    One more week to go then we get to go back to non-holiday life (New Year's doesn't really count) and the long stretch before the next major holiday. Peace!

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    1. Peace, Tracy and thanks for always being a big Snarkfest supporter!

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  6. I gave up on the cards entirely this year. Saturday I bake.

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  7. I'm so glad I don't have to keep up with the Elf! There is no way I have time for that shit! My tree is up, thanks to a dramatic teen and a patient boyfriend. The empty ornament boxes are in the middle of the living room, the stockings are not hung, the gifts are not all bought, the baking is not baked, and those cards.... there are several boxes of really cute ones in the basement that probably will not see the light of day until they figure out how to jump out of the box, sign themselves, slide into the self addressing and stamping envelope and fly to the post office on their own accord.

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    1. We need to invent a self addressing, self stuffing, self stamping, self-mailing Christmas card one of these years.

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  8. Snarkfest, I love you--and all those posts of sugar and mono-licked cards. Sometimes we just have to call the holiday what it is--PURE INSANITY. xoxoxo

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    1. Love you back Meredith!! And I agree. Merry Insanity and Happy Crazy Brain!

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  9. Sweet Jesus I wish this thing hadn't come out while my kids were young...but the damn little elf did and now she comes to our house once a year. I'm writing my strongly worded hate mail to the creator of this thing right now. I can really only blame myself though. I saw all the cute things people were doing with them and then looked over at my precious young children and got that sparkle in my eye. Smack me next time I do that sista!
    I pity parents everywhere that got sucked in...which is why we created our blog post on it. Thanks for linking to it rockstar! Now get out there and kick that douche in the bag for giving your lovely mono while I get my Christmas cards done!

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    1. I'm here for you Kim, whenever you need that smack in the head!!!

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  10. Love this. Thanks for the link but most of all thanks for capturing my exact sentiment this holiday season (minus the mono add a few extra douchey pricks). Xxoo

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    1. Thanks Natalie. The world could use more love and less Elves and douchey pricks!!

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  11. Too funny! I just got yelled at by my older sister (I like to call her Mother Teresa sometimes) because I haven't sent a package to my younger brother in Japan for Christmas just yet. I was GETTING TO IT...but I suppose my Christmas cards will have to wait until that's done, or else I risk the wrath.

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  12. Yup - no Elf on a Shelf love over here either! He is evil.

    You got mono from an ex-boyfriend? What are you 16 again and making out on the couch while your parents were out? :-)

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    1. No silly, my 17 year old got mono from an ex-boyfriend!! :)

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  13. Just wanted to drop by and wish you and yours a happy and healthy holiday season!

    Hope the mono is all gone!

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