Elf on the awww HELL no!!! And other holiday musings...

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.

I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the 10-Second Tidy. I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, 7 lbs of powdered sugar, 7 lbs of brown sugar and 2 lbs of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damned with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me, you douchey prick" card?

Oh don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have 15 bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched. 

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Bah humbug. 

Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?

So both Joy at Evil Joy and Stef at Mom-spirational have tagged me in a little thing that’s been making its way around the blogosphere called:  “Who the Hell Are You?” It’s this game that helps us get to know one another.  My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to answer 25 easy questions – then tag people.  I hate tagging people and making them answer questions but the life of my washing machine depends on it. And I don’t have any money for a new washer or a repairman, so I’m succumbing to peer pressure and tagging some folks. But first the answers to the questions from yours truly:

1.  Where were you born?  Methodist Hospital, South Philadelphia

2.  Were you named after someone?  St. Theresa the Little Flower (shut up). I was actually almost named Maureen but it didn’t really flow with my maiden name so they opted to name me after a saint (again, shut up)

3.  How many children do you have?  2 daughters: Damian and Satan.

4.  How many pets do you have?  2 dogs, Henry and Cosmo and 1 cat, Cinnamon (Dumbass)

5.  Your worst injury?  Since I’m so graceful, there have been many. I broke my littlest piggy toe the night before a trip to Hershey Park so walking from one end of the park to the other with my in-laws was nothing short of a little slice of heaven. I’ve also pulled my back muscles out a few times, and I once had an ear infection where the pain rivaled the scene in Indiana Jones where they pull the guys heart out of his chest

6.  Do you have a special talent?  Not sure if it’s a talent but I love to bake and I’m a baking maniac every Christmas

7.  Favorite thing to bake? Pear custard bars because everyone for whom I’ve ever made them absolutely raves about them. (see #6)

8.  Favorite Fast Food? Diary Queen French Silk Pie blizzard with twist ice cream (if you want to get specific)

9.   Would you bungee jump? Hell to the NO. But I would skydive. Go figure.

10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?  Usually their eyes. Especially if they’re crossed

11.  When was the last time you cried?  This morning when I saw this video:

 

Video courtesy of YouTube

 

12.  Any current worries? Always worry about money, my girls, if I’m a good enough mom, if I’ll ever lose weight, and my biggest worry is about my mom’s declining health.

13.  Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.  Water, coffee, wine (not necessarily in that order)

14.  What’s your favorite book?  The Talisman – Stephen King & Peter Straub

15.  Would you like to be a pirate? No because I sound ridiculous whenever I say ‘arrrrgh’ plus I look ridiculous in an eye patch and am allergic to parrots

16.  Favorite Smells? A real old fashioned bakery that makes cookies and cakes

17.  Why do you blog?  Because I can. I enjoy making people laugh and if by blogging I get to do that, then that is icing on my cake!

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?  Picasso’s Last Words (Drink to Me) by Paul McCartney

19.  What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Being short. If I was about 5’6” I’d be so much better proportioned, but being 5’1” my proportions are that of a member of the Lollipop Guild

20.  Favorite hobby? I absolutely love reading books but sadly I almost never have the time to do that anymore. Not a big fan of reading on a Nook or a Kindle but I supposed I should start getting used to it.

21.  Name Something you’ve done, you never thought you would do?  Run marathons

22.  What do you look for in a friend? A sense of humor.  If you are my friend then you have the ability to find humor in all different situations.

23.  Favorite Fun things to do?  Family nights with my crew, we do a lot of family movie nights and I love that. Also love running with my 15 year old.

24.  Pet peeves?  Liars, phony people, muddy, dirty dogs on my clean floor (ok my floors are never clean, quite possibly because I’ve got muddy, dirty dogs

25.  What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Talking to Holly Frye on the phone a little while ago. Holly always makes me laugh.

And now for those I'm tagging:

Life on the SONny Side

Pocketful of Joules

I Want Backsies

Gina Valley

Lorca Damon   

A Mother Life

Minivans, Meltdowns & Merlot 

Martinis & Minivans

Sadder But Wiser 

Motherhood: A Descent into Madness 

YOU'RE IT!!! Tell us WHO ARE YOU?!?!