Christmas Blues.......I gotz 'em

half and half
eggs
juice
butter

Oh, hey, sorry, just making my list for the grocery store. Got more baking to do tonight. After all, it is the Christmas season. It's the time of year for magic, caroling, decorating the tree and spending time with family, holiday shopping, writing out cards. Normally I've got it. But the past few years, I've started to lose my grasp on things. Maybe it's because my kids are getting older. Maybe it's because I'm so far away from my Mom, but it gets tougher every year for me to get into the Christmas spirit. When I lived in Jersey, I looked forward to this time of year as soon as my Thanksgiving Dinner was digested. But since I moved here to WV, it gets harder and harder for me to get into the spirit every year. A few years ago, we didn't even get a tree. The kids put up pictures of decorated Christmas trees next to the fireplace, with a request for Santa to leave the presents there. Pathetic, huh?

This year it's probably the worst it's ever been. Yes, I'm stressed about money. Who isn't? And I'm also stressed that it is exactly ONE WEEK until Christmas Day, and I haven't baked nearly as much I have in previous years, nor have I written out a single card, my house isn't the slightest bit decorated (except for about 6 cards taped up in a doorway). We have the tree standing in the garage and I'm hopeful that it will eventually make its way into the house. I'll have the girls decorate it this weekend. But since we've had basketball games or practices every night, a wedding back in NJ this past weekend, band concerts, Christmas parties for various activities, we haven't had a single moment to relax.

This year I promised 16 that I'd get her a varsity lettermen's jacket for Christmas. Unfortunately, the store where I want to make the purchase doesn't have very convenient hours, so we haven't even made it there for her to TRY ON a damn jacket. Yes she'll get her jacket, but it might not be until after St. Patrick's Day. Merry Christmas, darling.

And for the love of God why can't I stop crying?? I'm telling you, the older I get, the more emotional I get. And I say FUCK YOU MENOPAUSE!! I swear, I cry all the damn time. At the stupidest of things. I read an article on AOL about a guy whose seeing eye dog saved his life after the guy fell onto the tracks from a subway platform. When I read that the dog is 11 and will be retiring soon, and that the guy can't afford to keep him and he's looking for a home for the dog, I cried like a baby. Then I remembered that my friend Mindy just lost her kitty this week, and cried even harder.

I miss my Dad, I miss our talks on the phone. If he were alive today, we'd be discussing how ridiculous Ruben Amaro Jr.'s decisions have become when it comes to acquiring new players for the Phillies. And Dad would be so excited if he knew that there was going to be a new 24 movie next summer. But he's gone and I miss him.

I miss my Mom who is thankfully still with us but suffering from COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 these days. I don't know how many more Christmases I'll have with her and being so far away from her just breaks my heart. So naturally, I cry.

I cry for those who will spend Christmas alone this year because they've lost loved ones, or because their loved ones are deployed. I cry at video clips of soldiers and sailors surprising their loved ones by coming home unexpectedly. I cry at sad Christmas songs. Shit I cry at HAPPY Christmas songs. I cry when I hear the Waitresses singing about the guy in the line she's been chasin' all year and they realize that they won't be spending Christmas alone this year after all.

I just have the blues. Am I alone? How do you cheer yourself up and get yourself out of the holiday rut?