Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Shark bait, hooo haaa.

I don't even know where to begin with this one. So much snark and so little time this morning but I'll give it my best.

Water births are beautiful and amazing things. I know a wonderful woman in Australia who's had 2. In a big tub. With no wildlife to speak of involved. And she has two beautiful, smart and awesome children who are thriving and growing. She's been my friend for several years and I love and respect her. So don't start throwing rotten tomatoes at me, because it's not the water birth that I think is whacky. No, what I (in my snarky opinion) think might just be a little freaking off is giving birth in the water while your husband, your midwife and a pod of dolphins are looking on.
"Can you put that on a Triscuit with some cheese in a can??"
Photo courtesy: mcgpuzzles.com
According to the Charlotte Observer, this couple in North Carolina is heading over to Hawaii to stay with Star Newland of the Sirius Institute, which is a place that says it wants to 'dolphinize the planet'. What? Dolphinize the planet? Don't get me wrong, I love dolphins. However, I wouldn't vote for one for president. Or have one drive my kids to school. They are lovely creatures, smart, cute and living in the ocean. But would I want to deliver a baby while being watched by a pod of these adorable mammals? Yeah, I'm thinking no. But that's exact what the NC couple is planning. They are going to try to deliver their baby, Bohdi, in the ocean with a pod of dolphins on-hand to join in on the festivities.

Let's get back to the Sirius Institute for just a second. According to Digital Journal, this place has plans not only to dolphinize the planet, but also has plans for 'humanization of space' which involves sending live Humpback whale songs into the stratosphere. I swear to God I wish I could make this shit up. Furthermore, the Institute actually claims that dolphins are able to improve or HEAL a wide variety of conditions, including Downs Syndrome and cerebral palsy. HEAL Downs Syndrome? Wow, that right there is quite a bold statement. Here's another one: the Institute also claims that "Children born in the water with the dolphins develop 6 months faster over their first 6 months, have perhaps 150 grams more brain weight, AND are ambidextrous.' Well there you go. That whole ambidextrous thing will come in real handy when the shark chews off one of the baby's hands.
So Moon Beam and her husband, Magic Bus have slept in their car, traveled across the country doing odd jobs when they needed food, money or supplies. They've scraped together enough money to fly to Hawaii and hit the beach to birth their baby. Does anyone else think this is just a little not right? Doesn't it beg the question WHAT ABOUT SHARKS??? According to Alohafriends.com, there are 40 species of sharks off the Hawaiian Islands with about 8 of those species found swimming close to shore. Sharks enjoy the scent of blood. Birthing babies involves blood. Am I the only one who can do math here?
Image courtesy: trbimg.com
"Fish are friends, not food. Babies, however, make a delicious appetizer" - Bruce the Shark
Blood in the water + sharks + babies = 'come back here with my baby, you stupid shark'.

But it's okay, I'm sure the dolphins would be happy to swim after the shark who just took your newborn baby, and wrestle the baby out of the mouth of the shark and swim the baby back to you, you happy couple. Congrats on the birth of little Bohdi, maybe if he swims with those dolphins, all those bite marks will heal up quite nicely.


19 comments:

  1. This is perfectly awesome! And I must have been born in sea water - I'm ambidextrous......definitely only people born in the sea are ambidextrous, right?

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    1. Wow, I didn't even realize there was an ocean near Iowa!!

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  2. My luck, the damn dolphins would be looking the other way when the kid popped out. And what about jellyfish? I can think of 17 places I wouldn't want to be stung during childbirth.

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    1. That's gotta hurt. Maybe the baby would pee on you after you were stung?

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  3. OMG, all I can think of is Meryl Streep shrieking, "The dingo's got my baby!!!"....no matter that this is about dolphins and sharks, not dingoes. Same premise, though. This is for those truly 'crunchy granola-type parents', I suppose, the ones with the lotus bags/placenta bags/whatever.

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    1. It's not really the crunchy granola moms and dads that are the problem, it's the ones who take things to the extreme, and you have to wonder, if they're birthing babies in the ocean, are they singing whale songs, recording them and sending them into space? Whackos.

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  4. omg, that's so funny. I think somebody has been taking their science-fiction (in particular Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Star Trek) a little too seriously. hehe

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    1. So true, Alison! One can only imagine what's next? Birthing your baby in space??

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  5. Because I hail from Charlotte NC, I don't doubt that the Charlotte "Disturber" had nothing better to report on. I do find it remarkable though, that such blatant, tree-hugging hippies have been allowed to reproduce in a Red State. (I'll bet the local Guv-ment is rethinking that whole abortion thingy...)
    Anyhoo, do you think we can get our mutual frenemy, Kim Kartrashian to have a similar birthing experience? Seeing that baby get eaten by dolphins would be ratings GOLD for PimpMomma Kris.... ; )

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    1. I'm loving you hard right now, lady!!

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  6. I just can't with these people! How do you find this shit? seriously....

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    1. I constantly troll the webs looking for bizarre things to mock, Molley. And sadly, there is NEVER a shortage of bizarre things to mock.

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  7. This is completely terrifying. I used to be a zookeeper, and I can tell you that dolphins are pretty violent (take a close look at them next time you're at the zoo - they're covered with bite marks) and they're constantly horny. I don't need to be floating around with angry, sex-crazed dolphins ever, but especially when my lady junk is all vulnerable.

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    1. I can't even begin to imagine, Robyn!! You have to wonder what goes through peoples' heads sometimes.

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  8. WTF is wrong with people? Instead of saving the money that they are spending on their plane tickets to the Aloha State for their kid they are gonna go ahead and spend the thousands on this ridiculous idea. She probably doesn't even have insurance, so this seemed like a logical choice. Lord help their kid.

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    1. Wonder which would be cheaper. Paying for a hospital birth out of pocket, or paying to fly to Hawaii (months before the actual birth) and deliver at a whackjob institute, then the years of therapy when the dolphins make off with your baby.

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  9. Take THAT all you hippies who had natural, home, or in the forest births- you've got nothing on this chick. (nothing against hippies, I am one myself)

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    1. Myndee, she does seem to take an all-natural thing to the extreme.

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  10. Dolphins are cool and everything, but I wouldn't want one to be my birthing coach.

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