With a Little Help From My Friends....

I have the most amazing group of girlfriends. We lovingly refer to one another as BITCH, but it HAS to be capitalized. Otherwise it's just an insult. We met over 10 years ago on the internet. Yes. We met online. We've been with one another through weddings, baby showers, divorces, new relationships, crushes, and concerts. Lots and lots of concerts.

We are Duranies. Or Durannies, sometimes I forget whether there is one 'n' or two. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that we love one another and have built a lasting bond.

I had 13 of them at my house last weekend. Duran Duran was performing at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC and since I'm the closest to DC, I asked everyone who could make it to come to my house for the weekend. We'd hang out, party, go to the concert and eat at Waffle House. Naturally.

The first to arrive Thursday night was Spammy from Pittsburgh. She was soon followed by Jen B from Florida. At midnight, Erin from Massachusetts arrived, followed at 1:00 a.m. by the Ohio/Chicago/Milwaukee contingent, JenB (not the Florida JenB, let's call her Ma Bell), Mindy, Gracie, Sarah, Heather and Carrie. On Friday, Lorrie from Virginia arrived in time for us to get in the cars and drive to the Metro Station, where we met Fred and Mims.

We all boarded the Red Line for DC. We ate dinner at Matchbox (if you've never eaten there, I HIGHLY recommend doing so. Trust me, you won't be disappointed). Then we headed over to the Verizon Center for the show..

Did you know that they remove the caps from your drinks so you cannot bring them into the venue? We bought bottled water (for the same amount of money I spend on groceries in a week) to take inside and they took the caps. (I actually sweet talked the lady into sneaking mine back to me, and this lady that was standing next to me tried to reach for it and grab it. So I shot her)

Nile Rodgers and Chic opened for Duran Duran and they BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE BUILDING. No lie, they were so musically tight and sounded so amazing, it was 45 minutes of pure music heaven. They set the bar WAY high for Duran Duran.

When our band did come onstage and start singing, Simon LeBon sounded very strained. It's very early in the tour and he is having way too much trouble hitting the high notes.They did the standard songs that every casual fan (but no self-respecting hard core fan gives a shit about) wants to hear: Rio, Girls on Film, Hungry Like the Wolf (that last one is my "I have to pee" song) and some new songs off of their latest CD, Paper Gods. But the highlight for me was when they did Too Much Information. I cannot remember if I've ever heard them sing that song live, and I've seen them more than 2 dozen times. ROCKED. IT. OUT. It was fantastic. Overall the show was amazing and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

When we got home, we ate the most delicious cake made by our Duranie baker, Carrie. The best part? The frosting. Happy Birthday Lorrie. Thanks for letting some of us have a little of your cake, BITCH.

The last Duranie chick to arrive was Joelle. She got the house around 3:00 in the morning on Saturday. My dogs had NO idea why all these crazy women were at our house and kept wondering why we weren't going to sleep. NO SLEEP ON DURANIE WEEKEND! Ok SOME sleep, but not much.

Saturday morning we got up and had cake for breakfast. We polished that thing off quickly. After showers and packing up, we hit Waffle House and sadly had to say goodbye to half the crew as they headed back to parts west. Lorrie left later in the afternoon and then after naps Saturday evening, we had dinner and played Cards Against Humanity with some of my Shepherdstown Besties, Luddy, Susan and of course, Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho.

Sunday came way too soon and I had to say goodbye to the rest of my BITCHES who headed back from whence they came. Overall it was an amazing weekend that went way too fast. It's nice that Duran Duran are touring but we all know that we don't need a show as an excuse to get together. We see one another as often as we can and love one another tremendously.

I don't condone running out and trying to meet internet friends, because yes, there ARE some crazy psychos out there. Trust me. Our group knows a WHOLE LOTTA crazy psychos out there in internet world. But we've been really lucky to have found this group and we will grow old together, listening to Duran Duran and eating frosting.

Getting kicked out of book club...

I'm in a book club. Well, it's more of a wine club with books involved. I use my book as a coaster so I don't put my wine down on a slanted surface and spill it. That would be tragic.

Technically, I'm supposed to actually LEAD a second book club because I received this Book in a Box thing where they sent me 8 copies of a book and some wine, hats and jelly. Yes, jelly.

There are 18 ladies in my neighborhood who wanted to participate in my book club. I gave the book out to 8 ladies, they each read the book and passed it around in December to the other 10 ladies who wanted to read the book. All 18 neighbors read the book. I didn't.

My copy of the book is sitting on my nightstand, closed and collecting dust. Not a single word has been read. How do people have the time to read? I used to read. I used to be a reading fanatic! Seriously, I read like a maniac. My appetite for books rivaled John Pinette's at an All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet! But then...kids. And then.....internet.

Let me tell you about my reading habit: Last summer I spent a week at the beach in Jersey and I read a Patricia Cornwell book from cover to cover. Why? Because I had very little internet access and I had ZERO activities scheduled with my girls. I got up in the morning, ran on the boardwalk, showered off the sweat, threw on a bathing suit and hit the beach. I read for hours on the beach, came home, showered, ate and read some more.

When I flew to San Antonio, I read for about 4 hours straight on the flight down (we made a refueling stop in Memphis which is why I had that extra hour to read). I read more than 200 pages of my book (another Patricia Cornwell book, by the way). I was alone on that flight down and didn't have to talk to anyone or drive anybody anywhere or be at a school or a gym.

I LOVE reading, and yet, I don't do it NEARLY as often as I should. Thanks kids and internet!

I'm also a creature of habit. Given a choice between an author that I've read dozens of times, and an author I've never heard of, I usually play it safe and go with the familiar. Sometimes that works, sometimes it comes back to bite me in the ass. I read Gone Girl last spring at the suggestion of several hundred people on the internet. I loved the first 9/10's of that book but hated the ending. And it was really hard to develop any type of feeling for any of the characters, because I wanted to slap the shit out of all of them. But I sucked it up and finished it, and then someone said "Oh you should totally read Dark Places" which is another of Gillian Flynn's books. Let me just tell you, that book is aptly titled. Holy shit, that was the darkest book I've ever read (and I grew UP on Stephen King books!!). Seriously, another book with characters I couldn't stand.

I totally need to get my book club books read. Totally. But my house is a mess, my kids have 2-3 basketball games each week along with practices, trumpet and saxophone lessons, volleyball. And then there's Face(timesuck)book. I may be in need of an internet rehab. If I try to quit cold turkey I may need meds. Or a straight jacket.

What books are you reading now and HOW do you find the TIME to read??

The Days of Wine and...Feet

Hey Snarklings! Looks like I found a tiny part of my brain that works on techie stuff! Who knew? I've been able to edit the first 5 minute segment of the Mike Rowe interview and am happy to post it for you here! Pay attention to Mike's reaction to my foot. I'm thinking it's the stuff that nightmares are made of.

I want to thank 16 for her outstanding work as my camera crew. She rocks.

And I want to thank Mike for not running out of the room screaming and calling security on me. 

Stay tuned, there's plenty more where that came from. And please pardon my lack of interviewing skills. I don't really think I did all that bad for my very first time. I was afraid I was gonna go all Cindy Brady when the cameras came on.

Things that make me shake my head.....

I can always count on Huffington Post's 'Weird News' page to make me say "Say what???" and this morning is no different. For those who invite potty humor to the dinner table, I give you the Magic Restroom Cafe. I shit you not (sorry, bad pun) this is a real restaurant in L.A. that has toilets for seats, toilet bowls for dishes and some really gross-out names for its signature dishes. My personal least favorite is the "Bloody Number Two".

Another story that made me pretty furious was the AOL story about the woman who was walking with her boyfriend near the Ala Wai Boat Harbor in Waikiki, HI when she heard the sounds of dogs (a LOT of dogs) barking from a car. She called 911 and opened an unlocked door to a Honda Fit (trust me, Matchbox cars look like Hummers compared to these little cars). Inside the Fit were 21 dogs. Let that sink in for a second. Picture a Matchbox car, now picture 21 dogs inside, now imagine all this in the Hawaiian tropical heat. Some of the Pomeranian-Poodle mixed dogs were crammed into crates and some were running around the car free. The story is that the owner of the Fit was the mother of the breeder of the dogs, and the mother took the dogs without permission. BOTH of these folks should be slapped upside the head with a bat. Absolutely disgusting.

If this doesn't make you say "What the what???" I don't know what will. Wine for Cats. That's right, I said Wine.........for your cat. I've got some bad news for my Dumbass. Momma doesn't share her wine. It's bad enough sometime she gets her disgusting cat hair IN my wine. Now from Japan, there's wine for your cat. I. Don't. Think. So.

Back off, kitty, that's MY Cabernet!!!
Photo courtesy: 123RF.com

And to finish up your Wednesday morning, this one made me smile. It's one for my friend Toby's site, Dumbass News.  He's always got great stories of really smart people, like this Einstein, who called the cops because he got stiffed on a drug deal. Seriously. Apparently he was selling prescription drugs for $1.25 each, not realizing that this was, in fact, illegal to sell prescription drugs, and when the buyer stiffed him, he called the police to report it. When they didn't show up right away, he called them three more times to see what was taking them so long. Apparently he was in a hurry to get locked in the pokey. I love stupid people.

She Corked My C**k

Did you ever have one of those evenings where absolutely everything that comes out of someone's mouth is absolutely the perfect opportunity to release your inner snark? Tonight was one of those nights. I had dinner with some old friends and some new friends. After dinner, we headed back to my neighbor's house to play cards. Some of us drank whiskey sours, some of us drank wine, and we corked a cock.

Let me explain. My neighbor Lynn went into town to do some shopping before we met for dinner. She found this lovely metal chicken which, she explained, was to hold corks from wine bottles. My neighbor drinks exactly one whiskey sour per month. Girlfriend doesn't even drink wine, yet she felt compelled to buy this chicken so that in case she ever DOES open a bottle of wine, she'll have someplace to store all the corks. But she's my friend and I love her so I'm totally behind whatever decisions she makes, no matter how senseless they are.

But as luck would have it, one of the ladies at the table did drink some white wine and therefore there was a cork, and guess where that cork went! If you guessed 'In the Cock' you'd be right!! That's right, Lynn's cock was corked. And it was beautiful. What was even more perfect was when Lynn said 'she put her cork in my chicken' which begged the response 'she corked your cock??'

I had no idea just how close to perfect that statement was. You see, upon closer examination of said chicken, you can see something deliciously ironic. Here is the chicken from the front. Looks like a chicken, right?

Cork holdin' cock. See, there's already one in his tummy.

However, when I first saw the funky fowl, I was looking at him from behind. This was what I saw when I first saw the cork holder:

Look closely at the chicken's head. No really, look closer.

Are you seeing it? When I pointed it out to the other ladies, I was so pleased that they didn't look at me like I had 352 heads (that's the look I get when I tell my kids that they have to clean up their mess). I was thrilled that they saw exactly what I was seeing. A cock that holds corks. You simply stick the cork in the cock's butt.

As if this wasn't enough to make us all giggle like middle school kids, if you look at the counter up there in the first picture, you'll see a duck wearing a santa hat. This duck belongs to a set of three. Sadly, one of the duck's heads is broken off. When I asked Lynn how it happened, she said she accidentally grabbed him by the neck and it broke. My immediate response was that she 'choked her chicken'. I'm guessing it's a good thing our middle school aged children weren't there, or they'd have rolled their eyes so hard a chicken would probably die somewhere.

Good times and lots of Snark on a Saturday night. Jealous?