How I spent my 2014...

As we near the end of another year, it's time to look back on the stupid shit I did this year and vow to NOT do it again in the New Year. Like good news, bad news. Good news: I lost 30 pounds!! Bad news: I gained almost 18 of those lost pounds back. Dumbass.

But it wasn't all about weight. I did some good stuff that DIDN'T involved a scale. I went to my very first blogging conference and met THE most AMAZING folks! I got stuck in a dress at Goodwill preparing for that conference. I got my picture taken with Mike Cruse from Papa Does Preach and we looked like the crazy couple on an insane wedding cake.

Mr. & Mrs. Tacky McTackerson

I broke the 5000 mark for Facebook fans which is really cool, but only about 12 of them actually SEE my updates, which totally sucks. I'm thinking of just circumventing FB's lousy algorithms and just make a Snarky group. What do you think? Oh and one more cool thing, I've only had to ban ONE FB freak for posting about cheap sunglasses (which is a rocking ZZ Top song but not something my FB friends need to be seeing). Yay me!!

In 2014 I vowed to read a bunch of books. And failed miserably. I suck. I used to read like a beast. And then I had these kids and they wanted to go places and do things, and my books were all like, "Bitch, what about us?" and I was like "I'm sorry books, but they need me" and the books were all "So? We need you too and we were here first" and my kids were like "Mom why are you talking to your books when we're waiting to go to basketball practice." So the kids won this round and I stopped paying attention to my books. Sorry books. Maybe next year? You guys just sit there on the shelves collecting dust that I probably won't clean and I'll get to you. I promise.

I actually made a small amount of money this year with my writing! YAY!!! Money rocks!!! And I got a little more exposure with posts featured on Mamalode, In The Powder Room and Huffington Post. I'm not setting the world on fire but it's cool to see my stuff on other places besides this little page here.

I successfully made it through another year without selling my kids to gypsies, which I consider a victory. If they still are alive and I can use them as tax write-offs every December 31, I pat myself on the back and drink another glass of Malbec. Monday I came pretty close to leaving 17 in the airport forever. We went through separate security lines and they found a bottle of her favorite Bath and Body Works lotion in her carry-on. I made the horrific mistake of forgetting to tell her she couldn't carry-on liquids, so they confiscated her lotion and the TSA agent is probably now smelling like my daughter. Since we were in separate lines, 17 called me and said "You never told me I couldn't bring it on and they took it and it's discontinued and I'll never be able to replace it, so thanks." and I was all like: "CLICK"

She called me back 3 times. I hung up on her all 3 times until the 4th time when she apologized. After her flight took off, I went online and bought her 6 bottles. No shit. It may be discontinued but....internet. She may smell like a French whore bathing in donkey shit, but I found 6 bottles of it.

Oh, and there was one other really cool thing that happened in 2014 that you may or may not have heard about.

I MET MIKE ROWE!!!!

We're using this as our Christmas card next year. What do you think?

I actually did. I got to interview him when he was at the STEM conference in Washington DC and it was AWESOME!!! You can see all 7 parts of the interview here, and you can learn his stripper name, and why he'll never Dance with the Stars. He was truly fantastic and meeting him was one of the UBERHIGHLIGHTS of my year. Uberhighlight isn't a word but I don't care. It was awesome.

So there you have it, my year in review. It was a pretty amazing year and I look forward to what 2015 has in store for us all.

Happy New Year, Snarklings and thanks for joining me on this ride!! See you next year!!

Remember when I almost died in a Goodwill dressing room?

Read about how I nearly died!

Remember back before I went to the blogging conference and I got stuck in a dress and I thought I was gonna die? No? Well you can read about it here at the Huffington Post's Comedy page!

Then I got stuck in a dress at Goodwill...

Totally not kidding.

Many of you know that I'm going to a blogging conference next Friday. It's BlogU 14 and unless you live under a rock or it's your first time here, you know what I'm talking about. I've been tweeting and Facebooking about it for months now, in an attempt to win back my registration costs. Aside from the chance to win some cash, I'm truly excited about going to this conference.

It'll be my first blogging conference and there are so many hilarious ladies (and one awesome dude) that will be there, it's like a veritable buffet of laughs and coolness.

But there is one dark side to this whole thing. On Wednesday, I almost died. Yes, it's true. Because of my love for this conference, I nearly lost my life. Let me explain.

I had asked my friend Tonya to keep an eye out for 'retro-gowns' (think: big, poofy, 80's), so when she texted me Wednesday afternoon telling me that she had found the perfect dress for me at Goodwill, I was all over it! She had them put the dress aside for me AND talked them down to just $20! I prayed this dress would fit, because I hate shopping for 'retro-gowns' (ok I've NEVER shopped for 'retro-gowns') and it would just be so much easier to have someone else find it for me.

After work, I headed to Goodwill, grabbed the dress and went into the dressing room. I took the montrosity off the hangar and lifted it over my head. I then struggled with the zipper until it was almost all the way up. SUCCESS! It (almost) FIT!! I was so glad that it fit that I took this pic while in the Goodwill dressing room:

Me, in all my pink poofy retro glory

It's floor-length, and so hot that I'm sure I will sweat my ass off, but it (almost) fit and I didn't have to go out looking for another dress, so I made the decision to buy it. Then I tried to get out of it. And that's when it happened. I came close to dying right then and there in the Goodwill dressing room. Seriously. I started sweating, my heart began to race and I had 9-1-1 on standby. When I was unzipping the dress, the gigantic, almost blanket-sized tag got caught in the zipper. See for yourself:

Giant tag caught in zipper, while the dress is on. I nearly died!

As you can see, I was in a bit of a pickle. I was wearing the dress, the zipper was on the opposite side of my body from my eyes and my hands so I was working blindly and pretty much having a heart attack. I said to myself: "Self, the first thing you're gonna do if you ever get out of this dress is CUT OFF THAT FUCKING TAG!" I convinced myself that it would be better to die alone in the dressing room than to die of embarrassment by having to ask someone at Goodwill to come into my dressing room and help get me out of this dress-of-death. So I went to my happy place (where there's wine and chocolate), slowed my breathing and concentrated on not dying. I took my arms out of the top of the dress and was able to turn the dress around just enough that I could see the tag in the zipper. I swear I could hear the tag laughing at me but that may have just been my imagination.

Eventually, I freed the tag from the zipper and cursed at it strongly before extricating myself from the dress without the use of the jaws of life. It was touch and go for awhile, and ultimately, I got myself a pretty cool dress for a really cheap price. 

I can't wait to wear it at BlogU 14 next weekend, and yes, as soon as I got it home, I made that tag my bitch.