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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Things I will never understand, part 46

Ya know, just when you THINK you've heard it all, a man goes and cuts off his testicles with scissors on his wedding day. Seriously. There are some things you just CAN NOT make up. This is one of those things. This is something that should be reported on Dumbass News. Because clearly, this guy is a dumbass. And it made news. Read about it here, then explain somethings to me. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Twigs and berries courtesy of monkeemama.com

Now that you've read it, WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HE THINKING????  Here's a brief synopsis for those of you who didn't take the time to read it (lazy butts).

A. An hour before he is scheduled to say 'I do' to his lovely fiance, he whacks off is own nuts
2. Early wedding-goers had the pleasure of seeing said bloody nuts on the floor of the church
B. The eunich was sent for a psychiatric eval (ya think??) after a trip to the ER
Lastly, NOBODY TOLD THE BRIDE UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING (which DID actually take place that day!)

Holy flipping cheeseburgers, Batman, can you imagine the surprise this bride got at that wedding and then later on her wedding night????  I'm picturing that it went something like this:

Bride: Honey, come out and dance with me, it's our wedding song.
No Nuts: Nah love, gonna sit this one out. Little chaffed. Got the chub rub.
Bride: ??

Skip to the wedding night in the bridal suite:

Bride: Um, dude, what the hell happened? Where are your balls? Where the hell are your balls??? You had balls yesterday, hell you've had balls for as long as I've known you, and now? NO balls! What's up with that?
Nutless Wonder: Oh, yeah, hey, funny story............

How do you explain to your new wife that you CUT OFF YOUR OWN SAC??? Correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe it's just me, but if my soon-to-be-hubby was fruit-loopy enough to take a pair of scissors and cut off his own stones, I do think I'd want to know about it BEFORE I MARRIED HIM!!! But no, no one told her. According to the article, the bride WASN'T informed about why the wedding was delayed until AFTER the nuptuals took place. For real?? What the hell?? Didn't anyone stop for a minute and think: "Gee, I wonder if she plans on having some sex on her wedding night? Cuz sex with a man who just gashed his gonads might be a little tricky." I can't even imagine how furious I would be if this had happened to me. Seriously, girlfriend deserves to know she's marrying a total nutjob (sorry for the pun).

Maybe the groom was afraid that if he kept his junk, he'd end up like this guy, who, for all intents and purposes, raped a Land Rover. I wish I could make this stuff up.

***UPDATED FOR CLARIFICATION: Ok, my bad, sorry. It wasn't the actual GROOM who did the cutting off of the stuff. It was an unnamed man. Still doesn't change the fact that some whackjob cut off his own jewels, just that he delayed some poor couple's wedding while they cleaned his junk off the floor. My apologies to the groom. I'm sure he and Mrs. Groom had a lovely wedding and a lovely wedding night. With sex.


  1. This guy would win the Dumbass of the Year Award, hands down. He'd even beat out the guy who stuck a fork up his pee pee when he spanked the monkey.

    Today, you win the Internet!

  2. If I was the bride, I'd be SCREAMING FOR AN ANNULMENT. And I'd sue him. And what's in the water over there in the UK? Those dang brits are nuckin futts!

  3. It doesn't say the groom cut his own balls off. Tuesdays an unnamed man. I assumed it was some random person.

    1. Am I reading the same article you are?? It says this: The Brentwood, U.K. man was taken to a hospital Saturday shortly after his self-mutilation, according to News.com.au

      Self-mutilation leads me to think he cut off his own balls.

  4. It says* not sure why auto correct came up with Tuesday's.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. LOL Amanda, damned autocorrect. It actually says "THE unnamed man stormed in throwing chairs" HE was the guy who cut off his nads.

  5. Honestly my head is spinning! How do you chop off your nuts and then stand up there for the wedding? Was there no blood loss? Hospitalization? He just got stitches, reattached? Seriously if I was that bride I would want to kick him in his ass, cause clearly his nuts are off the table.

    1. You guys crack me up. It was shown to me upon further investigation that the groom's nuts are still intact, it was some strange guy who wandered into the church with his nuts on the ground. (looking like a fool with his nuts on the ground)

      I crack myself up.

  6. OMG. Firstly - how the heck did I miss this post until today....and secondly....WTF?! Who does that?

    Thank God it wasn't the groom - can you imagine - can You IMAGINE?!?!?!?

    I am glad he didn't try to get married after removing part of his manhood. But that would have made for an interesting honeymoon......


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