9 Things NOT to do at a Concert

Here are 9 rules to follow the next time you go to a rock concert (or country, or rap, whatever shit you listen to on the daily). Trust me on this. I’m almost 48 and have been to about a million concerts and have seen behavior that would make Pope Francis want to throw a punch.

    1.  Don’t get piss-eyed, falling-down drunk. I went to the Eagles Hell Freezes Over tour back in the nineties and there was a woman so drunk she threw up on the people in front of her and had to be carried out in the middle of the second song on the playlist. I don’t know about you but when I spend over $300 on concert tickets, I don’t want to get thrown up on, and I certainly don’t want to get so shit-faced drunk that I have to leave the show.

    2.    Don’t be an asshole to those around you. If you don’t like the opening act, don’t verbally abuse the singer (here’s a hint: you don’t have a mic, they can’t hear you complaining). Know who CAN hear your bitching? The folks sitting in front of you. Maybe they LIKE that opening act. Keep your negativity to yourself.

    3.     Don’t buy the pirate merchandise outside the theater. Don’t be a cheapskate. Pony up the $40 for an authorized and genuine concert t-shirt. My friend Karen and I went to see Def Leppard during the Hysteria tour in 1988 but I was too cheap to buy the official merchandise and instead bought a pirated t-shirt from some dude in the parking lot. It had an extra sleeve and it was from the Pyromania tour from 1983. Lesson learned. And if I ever grow an extra arm, that shirt will FINALLY be cool.

    4.    Don’t scream through the whole fucking show. Just don’t. You’re not 12, dude.  Screaming’s for 12 year old One Direction fans, not 40-something chicks who like their hearing. Trust me. Scream when your band comes on, then scream before the encore. But for crying out loud, not during the whole show. Some of us want to be able to actually HEAR what’s going on onstage.

    5.   DO. NOT. RUSH THE STAGE. Seriously, if you bought a ticket, that seat is YOURS. Do NOT try to squeeze your ass into my row. There is nothing that pisses me off more at a concert than some douchebag with a seat in row 19 coming up and trying to push me out of the way when I actually bought a front row seat. Just don’t do it. It’s cases like that where it should be legal to stab someone in the neck with a pencil. And I always bring pencils with me to concerts….just in case.

    6.    Don’t give me a contact high. I bought my ticket with my goddamn hard-earned money and the last thing I need is to get high off your smoke. It’s not cool. Do it in the parking lot before the show. But just know that if you do it anywhere near me, whether it’s pot, tobacco or crack, I will totally pour my beer on your joint, cigarette or pipe. Trust me on this. Nobody wants to smell like your smoke. And I really hate wasting my beer.

    7.    Don’t try to get on stage. It’s embarrassing. And if you get your ass thrown out, your friends will feel obligated to make sure you are okay, and that means they will probably leave the show early. If they do, then make no mistake, they are well within their rights to kick you in your stupid ass for being a dick. Do yourself and all your friends a favor and just stay put, okay?

    8.   Don’t fart. Just don’t. It makes everyone around you miserable. I don’t know which is worse, smelling a fart or smelling a cigarette while I’m trying to enjoy my jams.  You concert farters know who you are, don’t try to pretend it was the guy in front of you, own your smelly ass. Leave the seat, go into the aisle, do your thing and come back. Because damn.

     9.    I know this is probably a bit hypocritical, but don’t start a fight. Yes, I’ve been threatening in this post, I’ve come down pretty hard on the offenders, but trust me on this: I have been kicked out of a concert for laying hands on someone.  Ok it was a Dan Band concert but still, we were right at the stage and I did something dumb and had to eat the cost of the ticket. So keep your hands to yourself. 

I'm sure there are a ton of other offending actions one can do when at a concert, but these are the 9 that spring to mind, that piss me off and that I will call you out on for doing. You have been warned. 

Manchester

Like many of you, my heart is broken for those killed or injured at the Ariana Grande concert in Manchester last night. 22 innocent lives lost. More than 50 hurt. Unbelievably senseless.

The thing that infuriates me the most is that many of those affected were children. They could be my children, or yours.

I've always loved going to concerts and have passed that love of live music on to my children. I've taken them to see Paul McCartney twice, The Police, Duran Duran, Billy Joel, and Adele. They've seen their favorite bands, 5SOS and One Direction several times. Some of those times I've been with them for those concerts, and as they've gotten older, I've dropped them off and then gone back to pick them up.

The terror those parents must be feeling right now is palpable. I feel that terror that they are going through. The fear, the unknown. Where are their children? God, it's sickening. I watched a mother on the Today Show this morning who still hadn't found her child more than 12 hours after the explosion. I was terrified FOR her.

We were in DC years ago during the DC Sniper era and at one point we had driven by the Home Depot where one of the victims was killed. There were SWAT guys on rooftops as my husband ran the Marine Corps Marathon that year. I had my daughters with me and I'm not going to lie, I was somewhat intimidated, but at the same time, we can't live our lives in fear. We can't NOT go out and live because there's a chance some fucknut wearing an IED will take out me or my loved ones.

Will I think twice before I take my girls to a concert in a big, vulnerable venue like the Verizon Center in DC, which is just above the DC Metro? A 'soft target'? Probably. But it won't stop me altogether. I can't teach my girls to live in fear. I can teach them to be careful, to be cautious, to be aware and alert. Just like those parents probably taught their children in Manchester. Innocent children who only wanted to see their favorite singer in concert.

With a Little Help From My Friends....

I have the most amazing group of girlfriends. We lovingly refer to one another as BITCH, but it HAS to be capitalized. Otherwise it's just an insult. We met over 10 years ago on the internet. Yes. We met online. We've been with one another through weddings, baby showers, divorces, new relationships, crushes, and concerts. Lots and lots of concerts.

We are Duranies. Or Durannies, sometimes I forget whether there is one 'n' or two. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that we love one another and have built a lasting bond.

I had 13 of them at my house last weekend. Duran Duran was performing at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC and since I'm the closest to DC, I asked everyone who could make it to come to my house for the weekend. We'd hang out, party, go to the concert and eat at Waffle House. Naturally.

The first to arrive Thursday night was Spammy from Pittsburgh. She was soon followed by Jen B from Florida. At midnight, Erin from Massachusetts arrived, followed at 1:00 a.m. by the Ohio/Chicago/Milwaukee contingent, JenB (not the Florida JenB, let's call her Ma Bell), Mindy, Gracie, Sarah, Heather and Carrie. On Friday, Lorrie from Virginia arrived in time for us to get in the cars and drive to the Metro Station, where we met Fred and Mims.

We all boarded the Red Line for DC. We ate dinner at Matchbox (if you've never eaten there, I HIGHLY recommend doing so. Trust me, you won't be disappointed). Then we headed over to the Verizon Center for the show..

Did you know that they remove the caps from your drinks so you cannot bring them into the venue? We bought bottled water (for the same amount of money I spend on groceries in a week) to take inside and they took the caps. (I actually sweet talked the lady into sneaking mine back to me, and this lady that was standing next to me tried to reach for it and grab it. So I shot her)

Nile Rodgers and Chic opened for Duran Duran and they BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE BUILDING. No lie, they were so musically tight and sounded so amazing, it was 45 minutes of pure music heaven. They set the bar WAY high for Duran Duran.

When our band did come onstage and start singing, Simon LeBon sounded very strained. It's very early in the tour and he is having way too much trouble hitting the high notes.They did the standard songs that every casual fan (but no self-respecting hard core fan gives a shit about) wants to hear: Rio, Girls on Film, Hungry Like the Wolf (that last one is my "I have to pee" song) and some new songs off of their latest CD, Paper Gods. But the highlight for me was when they did Too Much Information. I cannot remember if I've ever heard them sing that song live, and I've seen them more than 2 dozen times. ROCKED. IT. OUT. It was fantastic. Overall the show was amazing and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

When we got home, we ate the most delicious cake made by our Duranie baker, Carrie. The best part? The frosting. Happy Birthday Lorrie. Thanks for letting some of us have a little of your cake, BITCH.

The last Duranie chick to arrive was Joelle. She got the house around 3:00 in the morning on Saturday. My dogs had NO idea why all these crazy women were at our house and kept wondering why we weren't going to sleep. NO SLEEP ON DURANIE WEEKEND! Ok SOME sleep, but not much.

Saturday morning we got up and had cake for breakfast. We polished that thing off quickly. After showers and packing up, we hit Waffle House and sadly had to say goodbye to half the crew as they headed back to parts west. Lorrie left later in the afternoon and then after naps Saturday evening, we had dinner and played Cards Against Humanity with some of my Shepherdstown Besties, Luddy, Susan and of course, Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho.

Sunday came way too soon and I had to say goodbye to the rest of my BITCHES who headed back from whence they came. Overall it was an amazing weekend that went way too fast. It's nice that Duran Duran are touring but we all know that we don't need a show as an excuse to get together. We see one another as often as we can and love one another tremendously.

I don't condone running out and trying to meet internet friends, because yes, there ARE some crazy psychos out there. Trust me. Our group knows a WHOLE LOTTA crazy psychos out there in internet world. But we've been really lucky to have found this group and we will grow old together, listening to Duran Duran and eating frosting.

Big Time Monkees?

Big Time Rush concert tonight. As God as my witness I WILL remember to bring earplugs. I can't believe my husband decided not to join us.

I find their show to be humorous, kinda like the Monkees back in the day. And NO I'm not old enough to remember the Monkees in first run. I watched re-runs, thankyouverymuch. My favorite Monkee was Mickey Dolenz, followed closely by Davy Jones. Not sure who I would associate with whom when it comes to comparisons of BTR and the Monkees. Logan is the smart one, as was Mike Nesmith, although Kendall seems to be pretty level headed. Carlos is most definitely the Peter Tork of the group. James is hard to say. James is pretty dim but he's pretty, well, pretty. Davy was the pretty one but he wasn't nearly as dim as James is. And Mickey? He was always the funny one. All of these BTR guys seem pretty funny on the show, so it's hard to say which one could be the 'Mickey' of the group.

Who was your favorite Monkee? Or, who is your favorite from BTR? Moms? Girls? Chime in here. I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing. Heavily.

Rushers, Directioners, Duranies, OH MY!

Back in the day, we called ourselves Duranies. We followed the Fab Five in every piece of reading material we could get our hot little hands on. Remember Tiger Beat? Teen Beat? Bop? Rolling Stone? (yeah, that's still around). We Duranies had to WORK to find out the latest on our heartthrobs back then. Google? There was no Google! Cha Cha was a Latin dance. We were JUST getting into push button phones, for God's sake. We didn't have computers, internet, cell phones, texting, iPads, i-anythings!! We had to walk 10 miles in the snow, up hill, both ways, barefoot to buy magazines and darn-it, we liked it! Sure, every so often MTV would throw us a bone and have an interview with our boys and we'd all set our VCR's and watch them over and over. That was OUR Youtube. Pfffft. 'Friday Night Videos' was the shit and you watched it EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT just hoping they'd show your favorite band's video. And you checked MTV every chance you could get because back then the M actually stood for 'MUSIC' and not 'Manure' 'Malarky' or 'Merde'. 

Today, you can get information on your favorite band in less time than it took me to type this sentence. And these kids have NO idea how lucky they are. God, I know, I sound just like my mom did when she used to tell me how lucky we had it because we had a car with air conditioning and pleather seats! When SHE was a kid she rode in the rumble seat and she liked it!

Oh sorry, back on topic. My kids now can access any website at any time and see their favorite bands, Big Time Rush and One Direction. They are now considered "Rushers" and "Directioners". One Direction, for those of you who are living under a rock with my mom, is the NEW Fab Five. The next best thing. This is the nickname they have for themselves: Directioners. And they apparently take that nickname very seriously. Case in point: Last night 12 was on the computer and 14 was texting way later than her cutoff time of 10:00. And 12 kept calling 14 over to see what Louie's new haircut looked like or what someone was saying about Niall. Apparently, some absolutely INSANE chick on 1D's FB page (stay with me here mom: One Direction's Facebook Page) had the absolutely audacity to say she loved Harry and Zayn but didn't really care for Niall. "Well then she's not a Directioner!" I heard 12 say, and 14 agreed profusely! Apparently, there is a rule written somewhere (maybe it's tattooed on Harry's skull?) that in order to qualify as a Directioner, you MUST love ALL 5 MEMBERS of the group!!! Disliking one is the equivalent of disliking ALL 5 and you will have your Directioner club card taken away and you will be forced to listen to.....ugh, the Jonas Brothers.

Yes, apparently they're a little more strict today then they were back when I was a Duranie. Back in MY youth, you didn't HAVE to like all 5 members to be in the club. Hell, I never could STAND Andy Taylor. He was my least favorite of the Taylor brothers. I always wanted to take scissors to that nasty, greasy little ponytail of his and run off with Simon LeBon, spend hours laying on the beach drinking Pepsi and mocking Andy. (ok I was 16, and not yet the sleazy stalker I am today). That was the beauty of being a Duranie, you could like whomever you wanted and NOT like whomever you wanted and you weren't judged. There were 5 of them, PLENTY to go around.

Not today. Today, if you don't like one, you OBVIOUSLY don't like ANY of them. They apparently come as a package deal. It's the Directioners code.

I'm not sure if the same is true for Rushers, because my girls, while still very much in love with BTR, are more serious about the 1D rulebook. Is it POSSIBLE that you can LIKE the way James looks but hate the nasally, whiney sound that comes out of his mouth? I don't know. But if that is not the case, apparently I'm out of the Rushers club.