Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Tuesday Tirade

No, I'm not starting a weekly event. Just a few things to get off my chest on this dreary Tuesday morning. First of all, what is it with the internet? I'm sitting at home this morning watching Bones on Netflix (Bones is my latest obsession, by the way. I'm on season 4 episode 1) and with just 2 minutes left in the show, my damn internet stops working. What. The. Hell?? So thank you, internet gods, for pissing me off.
Courtesy toptvshows.net
Next up, clothes on the floor. Seriously. I realize that there are gajillions of starving people in Africa but I'mma let Bob Geldoff handle that for right now. My concern is the continuous pile of dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Why? Why are they always there? Why do I have to ask EVERY. EFFING. DAY for them to be removed. Wouldn't you think that after hearing me drone on forever about it, she'd just be like, 'oh, look at those clothes of  mine on the bathroom floor, do I really want to listen to mom whine and bitch and moan YET AGAIN?? No, this time I'll put them in the hamper and maybe she'll give me some positive reinforcement instead of the constant droning on about them being on the floor.' Nope, never gonna happen. Sucks to be me.
Image courtesy cppeoplemedia.com
She looks this way because she probably had a huge brood of kids who constantly
had to be told to pick up their dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. Kids, this is me in  20 years.
While we're on the topic of my offspring, how about data? That's right. Data. Data on a phone that's NOT supposed to have ANY data capability. I bought stupid phones, not smart phones, but my kids have somehow managed to turn a stupid phone INTO a smart phone and in the process, ended up costing me almost $160 extra over the last 4 months. They started off small. Just a slight increase in cell phone charges, which I chalked up to maybe extra taxes or something, until last month's bill was WELL over $95 higher than normal. When I logged onto the phone company's website and checked it out, there's been overages of data EVER MONTH since January. On phones that aren't even supposed to USE data!!! Turns out they've been receiving Tweets from Twitter directly to their cell phones. "But mom, THAT'S not using data!!!" Well, if THAT'S not using data, obviously SOMETHING is. So I did what any overpaying, underappreciated mom would do. I disabled Tweets to their phones. But guess what. SOMEBODY went back and UN-DISABLED my disabling. Did you follow that? Let's just say the Tweets were enabled again. Let's also say that NOW, said child no longer has the capability of doing ANYTHING on that phone other than talking or texting.......and texting is hanging on a very precariously steep slope and could go at any minute. Can you imagine what's going to happen when my child actually has to start.....gulp......TALKING on  CELL PHONE??? What will she do with her thumbs without texting? Maybe her thumbs will get fat from lack of exercise?
Old school phone. Next step: Smoke signals
So anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel much better now. Maybe I'll do this again next Tuesday. Or not. We shall see. Until next time, Snarklings..........

Friday, April 26, 2013

Manhole cover mouth

That's how my best friend's husband described the mouth of Rachael Ray. (Let's get one thing straight before I go any further. I never had an issue with Rachael Ray. But, to be perfectly honest, I never really cared enough to have an opinion of her one way or another. That was until I heard how she acts from someone who saw her show in person.) Now that that is out of the way, can I just say that OH MY GOD he was RIGHT?!?!?!

Each morning, I get up and fight my children onto the school bus, and then I sit at my computer with my coffee and check my email, just like many of you. And when I'm on AOL I like to scroll through the day's news stories looking for anything that pisses me off, shocks me, scares me, etc. Today I happened to notice a story about a woman who hadn't cut her hair in 30 years. Me being the type that enjoys a good before/after segment, I clicked the link. The woman was appearing on the Rachael Ray show, and it was quite astounding the way she looked after the haircut. It was so astounding that I almost fell into the gaping hole on Rachael Ray's face. Look at this thing:
Jesus, you could drive a dump truck into that pie hole. Look at the size of it!!! My cat Dumbass could actually end up trapped in that thing:
I don't think even Rachael Ray herself can get over how truly giantic her trap really is:
Tiny critters have started disappearing from her neighborhood. Hmmm, wonder where they've gone?
I wonder if they have to do a head count after each show to make sure she hasn't vacuumed up any members of her crew accidentally. Why am I mocking her? Well, a few years back a good friend and former co-worker of mine went to NYC for a day trip and found herself with tickets to Rachael Ray's show. She was really excited about the whole experience.....until she saw Rachael in action. That's where the excitement ended. She told me that she had a good time  but that Rachael was a total and complete bitch to everyone on staff at her show. She marched around like a prima donna, barking orders and generally being bitchy and unpleasant. So until someone tells me otherwise, I will continue to not care for her and, yes, if given the opportunity to mock her again in the future, I will certainly do so.


Monday, April 22, 2013

CONTEST! ONE MORE DAY TO ENTER! WHY AM I SHOUTING?

I'm shouting because there's only ONE MORE DAY to enter the contest to win one of 4 e-copies of Parenting Gag Reel!! What are you waiting for!?!? Enter now!


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Thursday, April 18, 2013

For Boston

Saw this this morning and got chills. Boston, you amaze me.

Video courtesy of YouTube.com.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

What's that Snarkfest? Another giveaway??

That's right Snarklings! Another giveaway! This time, I'm giving away 4 copies of the 4th book in the Life Well Blogged series, this one is Parenting Gag Reel! Good old Rafflecopter! Just follow the directions on the Rafflecopter widget-thingy (technical term) and you're entered to win!! The contest actually starts at midnight 4/17, so make sure you come back and enter! You can tweet about it everyday for additional entries too.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Have you got 9 minutes? I'll make it worth your while.

We finally got the link to our interview on News Channel 8's morning show "Let's Talk Live" with Melanie and Natasha. Remember when I told you that Julie (from Rants from Mommyland), Bethany (from I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping) and I were headed down to DC to do an interview about the Pee Book?   Well here is a link to the actual interview! I wasn't really just making it up! If you've got 9 minutes to spare, you can hear all about how we believe Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat is actually an old Russian man with candy in his pants, or how Bethany's family is ready to disown her.

Click here for our interview.

I would LOVE your feedback. Yes, that's right, positive or negative, give it to me. I can handle it.

Next up, I want to say a huge THANK GOD and I LOVE YOU to Lisa, my running partner, who was in Boston yesterday. She was in the area between where the bombs went off for about 7 hours waiting for our friend Diane to cross the finish line. She and their party left that area just 10 minutes before the bombs went off. So THANK YOU DIANE for being a fucking Speedy Gonzales, because 10 minutes could've been the difference between happiness and grief. Thank you, too, to all the first responders, volunteers and medical staff who ran to help those injured or worse just after the blasts. Thank you to all the runners and their family and friends who ran to the hospitals to donate blood. And thank you to the rest of the country for sending their love and support to the folks up in Boston.

I'm running 2 half marathons next month. One in Frederick MD and the other in Fredericksburg, VA. The second one is one I've done for 4 years now. It's one of my favorite half marathons because it's the Marine Corps Historic Half. Am I intimidated by what happened in Boston? No, I am not. Am I determined NOT to let fear of what could be ruin my life?  You bet. I am not ruled by fear. My Irish is up, I'm pissed, and I'm not going to let the actions of one or two sick assholes dictate the way I live my life.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, stay tuned because I'm doing ANOTHER giveaway this week! I'll be putting up another Rafflecopter for 4 (count 'em FOUR) downloads of the new book Parenting Gag Reel! Stay tuned, the Rafflecopter link will be up shortly!

Monday, April 15, 2013

It's a week of giveaways here at Snark Central!

Ellen and Erin, those gorgeous babes over at the Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, are hosting a giveaway of I Just Want to Pee Alone!!! It's a Rafflecopter giveaway and it's so simple even Dumbass can do it.  Well, maybe if she had thumbs. But seriously, it's simple. And as an added bonus, the book will be signed by Susan of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva! What are you waiting for? Go. Like. WIN!!!

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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Snarkfest, Your Mom-on-the-Street!

Hey Snarklings! Let me fill you in on the events of last Friday, now that I've had several free minutes to look back on it. I trucked my butt down to Arlington to the WJLA Television station where I met up with the awesome Julie of Rants from Mommyland and the amazing Bethany of I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping! Let me just tell you, these two crazy chicks are FREAKING FANTASTIC!!! We hit it off right away and became fast friends. After quick intros and some coffee and bonding, we headed into the studio where we were whisked back to where News channel 8's morning show, Let's Talk Live was being shot. We were due to go on around 11:20 to promote the awesome new book I Just Want to Pee Alone, maybe you've heard of it? Anyway it was at this point that I started feeling really nervous. Apparently I wasn't alone:
Me, Julie and Bethany, pre-vomit
We went on just after Dr. Katy and the adorable and adoptable and extremely slimey pitbull, Valentine, and just before the amazingly youthful grandparents, Iver and.......shit I can't remember the woman's name. I only remember her husband's name because I made a lame-ass joke about his name being Iver and asked if he was an engine driver. (ONLY hardcore Who fans will get that reference, and apparently, Iver's not one of them).

Ok, so we are getting ready to go on and we meet one of the beautiful co-hosts,  Melissa, Marnie, Melanie, who posed for pictures and made us feel right at home.

Melanie, me, Julie & Bethany, pre-show
Apparently Julie is a guest on the show about once a month and was quick to let us know that everyone on the show is absolutely amazing, so I instantly felt better.
By the way, thanks Iver, you're a great photographer even if you're not an engine driver
We did the show, we were awesome, and then AFTER our spot, the other co-host, the totally gorgeous Natasha, asked us to stick around so that she could do an interview with us for the ABC NEWS AT 5:00!!!!!!!! Channel 7!!! The BIG TIME!!!!! Sorry but there are NO pictures of me shitting my pants. She said that a federal judge had just issued a ruling that makes the RU486 (morning after) pill available over the counter to ANYONE, regardless of age. Used to be you needed a prescription and parental consent if you were under the age of 17. Guess what! Not anymore. My 13 year old baby could walk into Rite Aid, CVS or her pharmacy of choice and buy a morning after pill without me knowing about it. What did I think of this ruling?? See for yourself. Here I am on the 5:00 news!!! Julie went first because she's a regular on the show and I think she's sleeping with Natasha, but whatever. I'm okay with it.

I promise, once we get the link to our little 6 minute segment on Let's Talk Live, I'll post it so you can see how crazy we are and how much fun we had (and probably how nervous, scared and nauseous I was). Thank GOD I couldn't actually see myself on the monitors or I'd be all Cindy Brady, frozen and speechless. Shut up, I could be speechless. Maybe.

Monday, April 8, 2013

WINNER WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have a winner!!! The winner of the signed copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone, a copy of Amber Dusick's Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures and an e-copy of Parenting Gag Reel is......

Avie H!! You are the winner!!! Please email me with your full name and mailing address, as well as your Amazon.com user name so that I can get your prizes to you!!



a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Parenting Gag Reel available NOW!

The new e-books are here! I'm SOMEBODY!!!!

Anyone else remember that line? 80's movie? Steve Martin?

I digress. Today is the release date for the 4th book in the Life Well Blogged series, Parenting Gag Reel and it's available on e-book from Amazon.com, right here and now!! (anyone recognize THAT line from a Stephen King book? It's one of my favorites!)

Purchase the book here!
I will be giving away 5 copies of this book via e-book either on Kindle or Nook once I've gotten all the details, so stay tuned. If you don't want to wait, you can go ahead and purchase the book using this link, and while you're there, feel free to also purchase I Just Want to Pee Alone, if you are so inclined! Remember, a portion of the proceeds from Parenting Gag Reel will go to benefit Autism Speaks!

And don't forget I'm also GIVING away a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone, a copy of Amber Dusick's Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, and an e-copy of Parenting Gag Reel!! You can enter the Rafflecopter contest at this link!

Have a Snarkalicious day, my friends!!