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Saturday, July 13, 2013

Stupid Pet Tricks (aka Our Dumbass Cat)

In our house, we have an adorable fat cat named Cinnamon, named for her beautiful golden orange coloring. Her nickname, however, is Dumbass, named for her penchant for doing absolutely ridiculous things. Dumbass has been with us for almost 11 years. She was born on September 11, 2001. Yes, that day. It's very possible that had she been born on a different day, she'd be nicknamed Einstein rather than Dumbass. Maybe she'd have the ability to pee in the toilet, feed herself, cook dinner and do laundry. But alas, that was not to be. She is now and forever will be our little Dumbass.


"But Teri," one might say, if one were to question me, "Dumbass isn't a very nice nickname to give to that sweet, adorable little furball. Why don't you call her by her given name of Cinnamon?" Well, Sparky, I'll tell you why. Dumbass is called Dumbass because she's a Dumbass. Plain and simple. If she was a smart ass, I'd call her Smartass. If she were sarcastic like me, she'd be nicknamed Wiseass. But no. This is no ordinary Dumbass. This is a Dumbass who continually does dumbass things to retain the nickname. Maybe if she only did one or two dumbass things, we'd go back to calling her Cinnamon. But no, she continues to amaze and perform Dumbass moves, which keeps earning her that moniker.
Don't believe me? Ok, how about some history.

Back in 2004, my wonderful husband was deployed to Kuwait, leaving 15 & 13 (who were 7 & 5) and myself to fend for ourselves at home. Both girls were in before and after care at their respective schools (THANK GOD FOR THAT) and I was working 10 hour days. So I would drop the girls off at school at 6:45, work from 7:30 til 5:30 and then go back and pick the girls up and we'd all go home to have supper. One fine, cool fall morning, we did our normal routine with one exception. 7 had to get something last minute out of the fridge. She did so and ran out the door and off we went to start our day.

Fast forward to 6:00 that evening when we returned home from school and work. 7 opened the fridge to get out the juice and what surprise does she happen to find in the fridge? One very cold, very pissed off cat. "Mom" said 7, "why is Cinnamon in the fridge?" What could possibly be your reply to that question?? "WHAT??" Was about the only thing I could come up with. Had she just jumped into the fridge when 7 opened it? I picked Cinnamon up off the floor after she jumped out of the fridge and she was pretty damned cold. Not frozen, because she wasn't in the freezer, but as cold as, say a gallon of milk? Cold cuts? A jar of pickles? Yes, she was that cold. Which could only possibly mean one thing. Dumbass had begun her illustrious career as a Dumbass by getting herself trapped in the fridge for almost 12 hours. When 7 opened the fridge in the morning on her way out, Dumbass had jumped in, surely out of curiosity, and had then gotten trapped inside. Only by the grace of God, or the fact that the fridge was plugged in and thus, air was circulating, did she not die. I checked her as I held her chilly, furry butt and she looked okay. Stupid, but okay. I put her down and she walked back over to the fridge. When 5 came in to open the fridge to get herself some milk, guess who jumped back inside.

Dumbass in a fridge
 Dumbass in a fridge

And now you're thinking, 'maybe she's not all that bright, but really? It's still not a nice nickname'. Your honor, I give the court People's Exhibit B:

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Dumbass in a drawer.

Yes, our little Dumbass just HAD to know what was in the back of that drawer. And when she got in there, she couldn't get her fat ass back out. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why didn't you help her out?? Why did you take a picture of her struggling to get her poor little feline head out of that bad old drawer??" Because no one would believe me if I didn't have photographic proof of her Dumbass-edness. Seriously. My cat got stuck in a drawer. It sounds funny, but really, you NEED this image to actually GET how funny it was. And yes, before you ask me, once I took the picture, I DID put the camera down and help her Dumbass out. Eventually.

Then there are the normal cat-like things she does. Things like, sit in a shoebox that's obviously not her size. She probably would've preferred a size 12 shoebox but alas, my feet are only an 8 wide, so she wedged her fat ass into a size 8 shoebox:

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Fat Dumbass in a box

We actually thought for the longest time that her ass was allergic to the floor, because if there was a piece of 8.5 X 11" paper that fell on the floor, she'd go over and lie down on it. If there was a package of toilet paper rolls on the floor, she'd climb on it and lie there, almost claiming it as her own. If we could just get her to USE the toilet paper, life would be grand. She would lie on ANYTHING that was on the floor to keep her ass from actually TOUCHING the floor. Then there are higher places:

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Dumbass on top of a cabinet

I believe she climbed up on top of the cabinet to draw my attention to the rather large, dirty cobweb that was up there that I'm too short to reach without a ladder. Why she didn't just grab a damn paper towel and clean the damn thing herself is beyond me. But there she is, up there on top of the cabinet, looking down on everyone as is the norm for her. It's as if she's saying "Look at this awful, filthy house in which I live. Cobwebs! How uncivilized!" Little bitch.

However, she DOES have her cute moments, like when 7 came home from school one day, went into the bathroom, put down her book bag, did her stuff and left her book bag on the floor. We later found Dumbass lying on said book bag, because, God forbid her ass actually touch the floor:

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Dumbass on a book bag.

I think this picture needs no description:

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Dumbass in a sink.

It's almost like she's questioning my right to take her picture. Look at that face, she may as well be rolling her eyes at me.

This is, by far, one of my all time favorite pics of Dumbass:

Dumbass on ass
 Dumbass on 15's ass. (I can't remember how old 15 was in this shot).

This is another one of those pictures I'm particularly fond of:

Cat eats dog
 Dumbass doesn't like dog.

This was Henry the day we brought him home from the shelter, lying in the cat's bed. Why is Henry lying in the cats bed? Because from the second we brought that cat bed into the house, the cat has scoffed at it, questioning our sanity. "Why would you purchase that? I'll never lie down in that thing, not while there are drawers, cabinets, boxes, sinks or asses for me to lie on." That's what she says in that little Dumbass cat brain of hers. But when Henry decided he wanted to lie down in the cat bed, Dumbass would have none of it. Look at her tongue. She's obviously going to eat the dog for having the audacity to lie down on HER bed (that she's never used).

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Yes, she IS a Dumbass and yes she DOES deserve her nickname. But she's our Dumbass and we wouldn't have her any other way.

35 comments:

  1. I KNEW IT! As soon as you said your cat was a dumbass, I knew it would be a ginger kitty. I have a ginger too, and he's a freaking idiot. Every single ginger cat I've ever met is a complete tool.But they're also very loving and snuggly, as well as being as dumb as a box of rocks. Yay for gingers!

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    1. I've been told that female ginger cats are few and far between, so how lucky are we that we have a female ginger dumbass??

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  2. I don't think it's reserved for gingers, because my dumbass cat is blue. He has never gotten stuck in the fridge, but only because he's too fat to get in there. But the rest of your pics? Same cat, different color.

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    1. Dyanne, I believe if you really loved your dumbass, you'd get a bigger fridge. ;)

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    2. After I read this to my daughter, she reminded of the time when Pete was just a kitten and was underfoot in the kitchen while I was fixing dinner. We heard frantic (but muffled) kitten mews and stood there, puzzled, until my daughter opened the refrigerator door, and there he was. Cinnamon still wins the dumbass award, though, because at least Pete had enough sense to speak up!

      p.s. There isn't a fridge big enough for a nearly 26 pound cat.

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  3. I love this. I have a black cat (named Sunshine, obviously) who is "full figured" and loves the tiny boxes. I try to tell her they make her look bigger, but she ignores me. Unless I'm trying to sleep, then she's a royal pain in the ass. I've written an entire blog about the bedtime routine with my damn cat!
    The other one, Vienna, is a big Maine Coon tortoise shell with silky smooth fur that always clumps, who is afraid of everything. That dumbass jumped in the tub one day.....while it was filled. The sounds was both terrifying and hysterical. She may have had a panic attack.
    I call them dumbass too. And many other things that I probably couldn't post on the internet, but they have my heart and always will :)

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    1. Hey Rambling Girl, what a coincidence. I had a jet black cat years ago that I named Sunni. She was such a sweet cat, a beautiful disposition and a joy. And she never tried to jump in the fridge. Bonus! I'm going to read your bedtime kitty routine.

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  4. I totally LOVED this and your Dumbass. Climbing back into the fridge and then the stuck in the drawer picture had me screaming! Really funny, Snark!

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  5. totally cute and hilarious. the picture of her stuck in a drawer is PRICELESS.

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    1. Thanks Alison, she gets herself into some real jams.

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  6. I love Dumbass. And I love the pictures I have of us coaxing her into the fridge for a picture. But it didn't actually take coaxing so that was the funniest thing I've ever seen!

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    1. She didn't need coaxing to prove how stupid she is. :)

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  7. I always said it was better to be a smartass than a dumbass. At least your Dumbass is cute. It's better to be a cute Dumbass than an ugly Dumbass. I can say that. I have two cute Dumbasses. But they're dogs. And big. So they can't fit in the fridge. I don't think.

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    1. Maybe you need a bigger fridge. Just sayin'

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  8. "Dumbass" or jumps in the fridge because she's a very cool cat. Or having hot flashes. What do I know. Cats are strange, special creatures with thoughts unknowable to mere mortal men. Sort of like women, but without opposable thumbs and credit cards.

    Great Post!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Anon. I do think maybe it's feline menopaws.

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  9. hahahaha I'm such a fan of Dumbass, she really needs her own blog! Wherein she can judge your cobwebs, what you have in your fridge,
    'Is that beer AND wine?'
    and how hard it is to get in and out of your drawers. Too funny.

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    Replies
    1. Apparently, she misjudged the size of her fat ass vs. the size of the small drawer. You're not the first person to tell me she needs her own blog. It's an idea I've been mulling over for awhile.

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  10. Oh man I think we have the same cat. He's ginger too, and can only go up the stairs by falling UP them. We call ours Dumbass, too.

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    1. Popular nicknamed for Dumbass cats! We're thinking of getting ours a helmet.

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  11. Did she eat anything while locked in the fridge? She's beautiful, even if she isn't very intelligent. (I came from the Hump Day Hook UP.)

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    1. She tried to open the beer but got frustrated by her lack of thumbs.

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  12. LOL We had a ginger colored kitty too, and just as 'brilliant' and as graceful as a ballerina (a 300lb ballerina wearing combat boots). We named her Grace because she was graceful...not!

    Loved this! :) Molley made me link up with the Hump Day Blog Hop so I'm reading you as punishment. ;)

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    1. That Molley is a mean one! I hear she hangs around hookers!!

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  13. Those photos are cracking me up. I have a similar colored cat that I rescued out of a ditch near our house. Didn't think he was going to make it because he looked so nasty and dirty. But after a couple weeks of feeding the thing with a syringe he turned out just fine...and we call him Maggot...haha. And that's funny about the nickname Dumbass...my mom had a huge fat cat that she named D.A. which stood for, well, you know! Happy to come across your blog today! :)

    Haley
    losingweightwithhaleymae.blogspot.com

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  14. My cat's could definitely have the same nickname, too! Love the pic in the drawer! lol. I found my cats provided so much material, they had to move to their own blog. http://www.rascalandrocco.com Anytime Dumbass wants to guest post, he's very welcome! I'm definitely sharing this post via FB & Twitter!

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  15. Waa, I tried to share on FB, but no pic or description showed, since I liked your post so much (Guess I have a thing for stupid cats!) I debugged it & was able to get a pic, but the description was your first comment. I changed it & posted, but not many would take the time. Make sure you have the new open graph meta tags set up. I used this site http://www.exeideas.com/2013/06/how-to-add-open-graph-protocol-meta-tags.html

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  16. Dumbass seems to be a perfectly normal cat, aka awesome! I used to have an orange cat, but his name was Chester. For some reason the rhyme "chester, chester, the child molester" developed around him. Since I was like 7 at the time I didn't understand quite how weird that was.
    Happy Friday!
    Mei @ Diary of a Fair Weather Diver

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  17. Cats are just weird... Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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  18. Love your cat... your cat looks just like my cats!!!

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