Blog Tag (or why I hate Dumbass News)

I don't really hate Toby, the Fearless Leader of Real Dumbass News but he tagged me in this shit and I either have to comply or become a Republican, so I really have no choice. So here goes. The deal is, I have to answer 11 questions he pulled out of his ass came up with, then tag some other hapless victims bloggers to participate. If they choose not to join in this stupid fun thing, I get to mock and ridicule them relentlessly until they quit the internet and become fishermen on the vast Bering Sea. I also have to post rules because rules.

1. Post these rules. (check)

2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. (eleven? Really?)
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Me. At a Duran Duran show in CT. Don't ask about the horns.

Here are 11 random facts about me because you care. Shut up, I know you do.
1.  My brother Billy is a firefighter whom I idolize.
2.  My cat, also named Dumbass, just celebrated her 13th birthday. We didn't sing to her.
3.  She's pissed that we didn't sing to her (random fact about Dumbass, not really about me)
4.  I've struggled with my weight all my life. Running is the only thing that takes it off and keeps it off. I don't run enough.
5.  I hate posting random facts about myself. I'm not really all that interesting.
6.  I have a small crush on Drew Carey. I don't know why, he's not all that attractive but he's funny as hell.
7.  I'm having a hard time coming up with more random facts about me.
8.  I hated science and math in school. To this day I still hate math and science.
9.  I have a bunion on each foot. I had one surgically removed in high school. It came back. Bastard.
10. Seriously? I still have one more to make up? Shit.
11. I won the Nobel Prize for Snark in 1986.

Now for the 11 questions Toby came up with for me:
1.  Baseball or Football? 
          Baseball, what kind of no-brainer question is that? 
2.  Place you'd like to live other than where you live right now?
          If it wasn't so goddamn expensive I'd live in Hawaii. But it is. Florida has too many bugs. I'll 
          go with Hawaii, assuming I win the lottery (if I ever played the lottery). Yeah. Hawaii.
3.  Are you a nose picker?
          What the hell kind of question is that? Seriously, Redneck? Nothing more original? Like do I
          pick wedgies out of my butt in public? Come on, you can do better than that. 
4.  Would you rather be in politics or have a nasty case of the flu for 2 years?
          FLU all the way baby. Politics will kill you.
5.  Taco Bell or McDonalds?
          Taco Bell AND McDonalds will ALSO kill you, probably faster than politics. Going with Panera
6.  Would you rather spend summer in Texas or winter in Northern Canada?
          Did you know that I'm allergic to Canadian geese, mooses (meese?) and Molsen? I'mma have
          to go with Texas because two of my very good friends recently moved there and they have A/C
7.  If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?
          Probably would've deleted the email from Toby and not had to complete this stupid activity
8.  If you could write a new law, what would it be?
          I'd create a law that ALL child sex offenders would have their genitals, hands and feet 
          removed and they'd be required to be lobotomized so they'd be drooling vegetables with 
          stumps.
9.  Kids or pets?
          You are completely out of ideas, aren't you Toby? I have both. Too late to go back and 
          make those decisions over again. Besides, I like them both. (both the dogs AND the kids).
10. Weirdest clothes you've ever worn?
          I once dressed as a pregnant nun for a Halloween party my old roommate and I threw. I'm
          surprised I wasn't struck by lightning that night. Pregnant nun drinking booze. SCANDALOUS!
11. Would you go streaking at a public event for $10,000?
          Trust me, people would pay me $10,000 to put my damn clothes back on. I'mma say NO.

And now for the 11 questions I'm pulling out of my ass making up for the next bloggers to answer:
1.  How do you feel about Toby from Real Dumbass News? He's a dipshit, right?
2.  How often do you change the sheets on your bed?
3.  What are your top 5 favorite blogs to read? (answer this carefully.......) :)
4.  Why did you decide to start blogging?
5.  If you could capture the attention of ANYONE in the world with your blog, who would it be?
6.  If you could sit down and have a cup of coffee/tea/booze with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
7.  George Clooney or Brad Pitt?
8.  Who is the most famous person you've ever actually met and did you act like a complete moron 
      meeting them or were you completely cool and composed? (liar)
9.   Who is your girl crush?
10. What's the very first thing you'd buy if you hit the lottery and won $57 million?
11. What's MOST favorite word and your LEAST favorite word in all of the English language?

Alright, now it's my turn to piss off 4 of my very favorite bloggers who will end up hating me and making up random shit about me on The Google: The Pursuit of Normal, Big Top Family, Foxy Wine Pocket and Comfytown Chronicles, TAG!!! You're it!!

Things I will never understand, part 46

Ya know, just when you THINK you've heard it all, a man goes and cuts off his testicles with scissors on his wedding day. Seriously. There are some things you just CAN NOT make up. This is one of those things. This is something that should be reported on Dumbass News. Because clearly, this guy is a dumbass. And it made news. Read about it here, then explain somethings to me. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Twigs and berries courtesy of monkeemama.com

Now that you've read it, WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HE THINKING????  Here's a brief synopsis for those of you who didn't take the time to read it (lazy butts).

A. An hour before he is scheduled to say 'I do' to his lovely fiance, he whacks off is own nuts
2. Early wedding-goers had the pleasure of seeing said bloody nuts on the floor of the church
B. The eunich was sent for a psychiatric eval (ya think??) after a trip to the ER
Lastly, NOBODY TOLD THE BRIDE UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING (which DID actually take place that day!)

Holy flipping cheeseburgers, Batman, can you imagine the surprise this bride got at that wedding and then later on her wedding night????  I'm picturing that it went something like this:

Bride: Honey, come out and dance with me, it's our wedding song.
No Nuts: Nah love, gonna sit this one out. Little chaffed. Got the chub rub.
Bride: ??

Skip to the wedding night in the bridal suite:

Bride: Um, dude, what the hell happened? Where are your balls? Where the hell are your balls??? You had balls yesterday, hell you've had balls for as long as I've known you, and now? NO balls! What's up with that?
Nutless Wonder: Oh, yeah, hey, funny story............

How do you explain to your new wife that you CUT OFF YOUR OWN SAC??? Correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe it's just me, but if my soon-to-be-hubby was fruit-loopy enough to take a pair of scissors and cut off his own stones, I do think I'd want to know about it BEFORE I MARRIED HIM!!! But no, no one told her. According to the article, the bride WASN'T informed about why the wedding was delayed until AFTER the nuptuals took place. For real?? What the hell?? Didn't anyone stop for a minute and think: "Gee, I wonder if she plans on having some sex on her wedding night? Cuz sex with a man who just gashed his gonads might be a little tricky." I can't even imagine how furious I would be if this had happened to me. Seriously, girlfriend deserves to know she's marrying a total nutjob (sorry for the pun).

Maybe the groom was afraid that if he kept his junk, he'd end up like this guy, who, for all intents and purposes, raped a Land Rover. I wish I could make this stuff up.

***UPDATED FOR CLARIFICATION: Ok, my bad, sorry. It wasn't the actual GROOM who did the cutting off of the stuff. It was an unnamed man. Still doesn't change the fact that some whackjob cut off his own jewels, just that he delayed some poor couple's wedding while they cleaned his junk off the floor. My apologies to the groom. I'm sure he and Mrs. Groom had a lovely wedding and a lovely wedding night. With sex.

Stupid Pet Tricks (aka Our Dumbass Cat)

In our house, we have an adorable fat cat named Cinnamon, named for her beautiful golden orange coloring. Her nickname, however, is Dumbass, named for her penchant for doing absolutely ridiculous things. Dumbass has been with us for almost 11 years. She was born on September 11, 2001. Yes, that day. It's very possible that had she been born on a different day, she'd be nicknamed Einstein rather than Dumbass. Maybe she'd have the ability to pee in the toilet, feed herself, cook dinner and do laundry. But alas, that was not to be. She is now and forever will be our little Dumbass.

"But Teri," one might say, if one were to question me, "Dumbass isn't a very nice nickname to give to that sweet, adorable little furball. Why don't you call her by her given name of Cinnamon?" Well, Sparky, I'll tell you why. Dumbass is called Dumbass because she's a Dumbass. Plain and simple. If she was a smart ass, I'd call her Smartass. If she were sarcastic like me, she'd be nicknamed Wiseass. But no. This is no ordinary Dumbass. This is a Dumbass who continually does dumbass things to retain the nickname. Maybe if she only did one or two dumbass things, we'd go back to calling her Cinnamon. But no, she continues to amaze and perform Dumbass moves, which keeps earning her that moniker.
Don't believe me? Ok, how about some history.

Back in 2004, my wonderful husband was deployed to Kuwait, leaving 15 & 13 (who were 7 & 5) and myself to fend for ourselves at home. Both girls were in before and after care at their respective schools (THANK GOD FOR THAT) and I was working 10 hour days. So I would drop the girls off at school at 6:45, work from 7:30 til 5:30 and then go back and pick the girls up and we'd all go home to have supper. One fine, cool fall morning, we did our normal routine with one exception. 7 had to get something last minute out of the fridge. She did so and ran out the door and off we went to start our day.

Fast forward to 6:00 that evening when we returned home from school and work. 7 opened the fridge to get out the juice and what surprise does she happen to find in the fridge? One very cold, very pissed off cat. "Mom" said 7, "why is Cinnamon in the fridge?" What could possibly be your reply to that question?? "WHAT??" Was about the only thing I could come up with. Had she just jumped into the fridge when 7 opened it? I picked Cinnamon up off the floor after she jumped out of the fridge and she was pretty damned cold. Not frozen, because she wasn't in the freezer, but as cold as, say a gallon of milk? Cold cuts? A jar of pickles? Yes, she was that cold. Which could only possibly mean one thing. Dumbass had begun her illustrious career as a Dumbass by getting herself trapped in the fridge for almost 12 hours. When 7 opened the fridge in the morning on her way out, Dumbass had jumped in, surely out of curiosity, and had then gotten trapped inside. Only by the grace of God, or the fact that the fridge was plugged in and thus, air was circulating, did she not die. I checked her as I held her chilly, furry butt and she looked okay. Stupid, but okay. I put her down and she walked back over to the fridge. When 5 came in to open the fridge to get herself some milk, guess who jumped back inside.


 Dumbass in a fridge

And now you're thinking, 'maybe she's not all that bright, but really? It's still not a nice nickname'. Your honor, I give the court People's Exhibit B:


Dumbass in a drawer.

Yes, our little Dumbass just HAD to know what was in the back of that drawer. And when she got in there, she couldn't get her fat ass back out. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why didn't you help her out?? Why did you take a picture of her struggling to get her poor little feline head out of that bad old drawer??" Because no one would believe me if I didn't have photographic proof of her Dumbass-edness. Seriously. My cat got stuck in a drawer. It sounds funny, but really, you NEED this image to actually GET how funny it was. And yes, before you ask me, once I took the picture, I DID put the camera down and help her Dumbass out. Eventually.

Then there are the normal cat-like things she does. Things like, sit in a shoebox that's obviously not her size. She probably would've preferred a size 12 shoebox but alas, my feet are only an 8 wide, so she wedged her fat ass into a size 8 shoebox:


Fat Dumbass in a box

We actually thought for the longest time that her ass was allergic to the floor, because if there was a piece of 8.5 X 11" paper that fell on the floor, she'd go over and lie down on it. If there was a package of toilet paper rolls on the floor, she'd climb on it and lie there, almost claiming it as her own. If we could just get her to USE the toilet paper, life would be grand. She would lie on ANYTHING that was on the floor to keep her ass from actually TOUCHING the floor. Then there are higher places:


Dumbass on top of a cabinet

I believe she climbed up on top of the cabinet to draw my attention to the rather large, dirty cobweb that was up there that I'm too short to reach without a ladder. Why she didn't just grab a damn paper towel and clean the damn thing herself is beyond me. But there she is, up there on top of the cabinet, looking down on everyone as is the norm for her. It's as if she's saying "Look at this awful, filthy house in which I live. Cobwebs! How uncivilized!" Little bitch.

However, she DOES have her cute moments, like when 7 came home from school one day, went into the bathroom, put down her book bag, did her stuff and left her book bag on the floor. We later found Dumbass lying on said book bag, because, God forbid her ass actually touch the floor:


Dumbass on a book bag.

I think this picture needs no description:


Dumbass in a sink.

It's almost like she's questioning my right to take her picture. Look at that face, she may as well be rolling her eyes at me.

This is, by far, one of my all time favorite pics of Dumbass:


 Dumbass on 15's ass. (I can't remember how old 15 was in this shot).

This is another one of those pictures I'm particularly fond of:


 Dumbass doesn't like dog.

This was Henry the day we brought him home from the shelter, lying in the cat's bed. Why is Henry lying in the cats bed? Because from the second we brought that cat bed into the house, the cat has scoffed at it, questioning our sanity. "Why would you purchase that? I'll never lie down in that thing, not while there are drawers, cabinets, boxes, sinks or asses for me to lie on." That's what she says in that little Dumbass cat brain of hers. But when Henry decided he wanted to lie down in the cat bed, Dumbass would have none of it. Look at her tongue. She's obviously going to eat the dog for having the audacity to lie down on HER bed (that she's never used).



Yes, she IS a Dumbass and yes she DOES deserve her nickname. But she's our Dumbass and we wouldn't have her any other way.