In our house, we have an adorable fat cat named Cinnamon, named for
her beautiful golden orange coloring. Her nickname, however, is Dumbass,
named for her penchant for doing absolutely ridiculous things. Dumbass
has been with us for almost 11 years. She was born on September 11,
2001. Yes, that day. It's very possible that had she been born on a
different day, she'd be nicknamed Einstein rather than Dumbass. Maybe
she'd have the ability to pee in the toilet, feed herself, cook dinner
and do laundry. But alas, that was not to be. She is now and forever
will be our little Dumbass.
"But Teri," one might say, if one were
to question me, "Dumbass isn't a very nice nickname to give to that
sweet, adorable little furball. Why don't you call her by her given name
of Cinnamon?" Well, Sparky, I'll tell you why. Dumbass is called
Dumbass because she's a Dumbass. Plain and simple. If she was a smart
ass, I'd call her Smartass. If she were sarcastic like me, she'd be
nicknamed Wiseass. But no. This is no ordinary Dumbass. This is a
Dumbass who continually does dumbass things to retain the nickname.
Maybe if she only did one or two dumbass things, we'd go back to calling
her Cinnamon. But no, she continues to amaze and perform Dumbass moves,
which keeps earning her that moniker.
Don't believe me? Ok, how about some history.
Back
in 2004, my wonderful husband was deployed to Kuwait, leaving 15 &
13 (who were 7 & 5) and myself to fend for ourselves at home. Both
girls were in before and after care at their respective schools (THANK
GOD FOR THAT) and I was working 10 hour days. So I would drop the girls
off at school at 6:45, work from 7:30 til 5:30 and then go back and pick
the girls up and we'd all go home to have supper. One fine, cool fall
morning, we did our normal routine with one exception. 7 had to get
something last minute out of the fridge. She did so and ran out the door
and off we went to start our day.
Fast forward to 6:00 that
evening when we returned home from school and work. 7 opened the fridge
to get out the juice and what surprise does she happen to find in the
fridge? One very cold, very pissed off cat. "Mom" said 7, "why is
Cinnamon in the fridge?" What could possibly be your reply to that
question?? "WHAT??" Was about the only thing I could come up with. Had
she just jumped into the fridge when 7 opened it? I picked Cinnamon up
off the floor after she jumped out of the fridge and she was pretty
damned cold. Not frozen, because she wasn't in the freezer, but as cold
as, say a gallon of milk? Cold cuts? A jar of pickles? Yes, she was that
cold. Which could only possibly mean one thing. Dumbass had begun her
illustrious career as a Dumbass by getting herself trapped in the fridge
for almost 12 hours. When 7 opened the fridge in the morning on her way
out, Dumbass had jumped in, surely out of curiosity, and had then
gotten trapped inside. Only by the grace of God, or the fact that the
fridge was plugged in and thus, air was circulating, did she not die. I
checked her as I held her chilly, furry butt and she looked okay.
Stupid, but okay. I put her down and she walked back over to the fridge.
When 5 came in to open the fridge to get herself some milk, guess who
jumped back inside.
Dumbass in a fridge
And
now you're thinking, 'maybe she's not all that bright, but really? It's
still not a nice nickname'. Your honor, I give the court People's
Exhibit B:
Dumbass in a drawer.
Yes,
our little Dumbass just HAD to know what was in the back of that
drawer. And when she got in there, she couldn't get her fat ass back
out. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why didn't you
help her out?? Why did you take a picture of her struggling to get her
poor little feline head out of that bad old drawer??" Because no one
would believe me if I didn't have photographic proof of her
Dumbass-edness. Seriously. My cat got stuck in a drawer. It sounds
funny, but really, you NEED this image to actually GET how funny it was.
And yes, before you ask me, once I took the picture, I DID put the
camera down and help her Dumbass out. Eventually.
Then there are
the normal cat-like things she does. Things like, sit in a shoebox
that's obviously not her size. She probably would've preferred a size 12
shoebox but alas, my feet are only an 8 wide, so she wedged her fat ass
into a size 8 shoebox:
Fat Dumbass in a box
We
actually thought for the longest time that her ass was allergic to the
floor, because if there was a piece of 8.5 X 11" paper that fell on the
floor, she'd go over and lie down on it. If there was a package of
toilet paper rolls on the floor, she'd climb on it and lie there, almost
claiming it as her own. If we could just get her to USE the toilet
paper, life would be grand. She would lie on ANYTHING that was on the
floor to keep her ass from actually TOUCHING the floor. Then there are
higher places:
Dumbass on top of a cabinet
I
believe she climbed up on top of the cabinet to draw my attention to
the rather large, dirty cobweb that was up there that I'm too short to
reach without a ladder. Why she didn't just grab a damn paper towel and
clean the damn thing herself is beyond me. But there she is, up there on
top of the cabinet, looking down on everyone as is the norm for her.
It's as if she's saying "Look at this awful, filthy house in which I
live. Cobwebs! How uncivilized!" Little bitch.
However, she DOES
have her cute moments, like when 7 came home from school one day, went
into the bathroom, put down her book bag, did her stuff and left her
book bag on the floor. We later found Dumbass lying on said book bag,
because, God forbid her ass actually touch the floor:
Dumbass on a book bag.
I think this picture needs no description:
Dumbass in a sink.
It's almost like she's questioning my right to take her picture. Look at that face, she may as well be rolling her eyes at me.
This is, by far, one of my all time favorite pics of Dumbass:
Dumbass on 15's ass. (I can't remember how old 15 was in this shot).
This is another one of those pictures I'm particularly fond of:
Dumbass doesn't like dog.
This
was Henry the day we brought him home from the shelter, lying in the
cat's bed. Why is Henry lying in the cats bed? Because from the second
we brought that cat bed into the house, the cat has scoffed at it,
questioning our sanity. "Why would you purchase that? I'll never lie
down in that thing, not while there are drawers, cabinets, boxes, sinks
or asses for me to lie on." That's what she says in that little Dumbass
cat brain of hers. But when Henry decided he wanted to lie down in the
cat bed, Dumbass would have none of it. Look at her tongue. She's
obviously going to eat the dog for having the audacity to lie down on
HER bed (that she's never used).
Yes, she IS a Dumbass and yes she DOES deserve her nickname. But she's our Dumbass and we wouldn't have her any other way.
