Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

My Snarky Wish List

So the lovely and talented Joules from Pocketful of Joules kindly tagged me in the writing prompt that's going around called My Christmas Wish List. But since I've never been one for hearts and flowers and flying unicorns riding rainbows and shitting glitter, I'm putting my own twist on the whole thing. Hopefully she'll still be talking to me after she reads it.

If I could wish for 5 things for Christmas, you know they'd be for things you KNOW you want but would never ask for. So in no particular order here they are.

WISH #1 For the love of all that is holy, I'm BEGGING for this weekend to be extended by about 5 days. I want Sunday to be a 120 hour day. That's all I'll really need to get my shit together before Christmas Day. For those of you who normally received cards from me? Yeah, those would be sitting on my morning room table. The envelopes are all written out. No return address labels. No stamps. No pretty cards, personalized to you. Nope, just got as far as the envelopes.  So Merry Christmas, you'll get your cards about 362 days early for NEXT Christmas. You're welcome.

WISH #2 I am going to bed tonight with the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, wonderful, kind and thoughtful burglars will have entered my house and instead of STEALING things, they declutter my house, silently vacuum my filthy carpets, mop my horrendous floors, dust off all of my furniture, baseboards, countertops and shelves (without sneezing, good luck with that). I'm sure it's an odd request but it's more interesting that wishing for a maid. Plus I can't afford a maid so if they're burglars, and they actually DO clean my house, they'll deserve whatever it is that they end up stealing.

WISH #3 I am going to bed tonight with the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, my entire family will have learned how to do an actual load of laundry from start to finish. I know, I know, it's crazy. It's totally unrealistic to think that a grown man and two teenage daughters would be able to understand the concept of wash...dry....fold....put away. The wash and dry part, we're golden with that. But those last two steps? Nope, we got nothing. Blank stare. Drool. Fold? What is this fold of which you speak? Put away? You mean, like, NOT on our floor?? You mean, NOT piled on the guest bed? YES family, that's EXACTLY what I mean. Away!! Into those big rectangular things we have that you pull out and put stuff in and push back in. Those are called DRAWERS and while it's a LOVELY idea to store all your school shit and unmatched socks in there, that's actually NOT what they're there for. So let's work on that, shall we?

WISH #4 Is it too much to ask that delicious food magically become healthy and healthy food become fattening? You may ask "Teri, have you been drinking??" No, I say! I want freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to be high in Vitamin C, D, B12 and niacin (whatever the hell that is) and for lima beans to put weight on your ass and thighs!!! Why can't chocolate cake have more good stuff other than antioxidants?? Why can't chocolate cake be GOOD for you and NOT make your ass bigger?? Why must celery, broccoli and artichokes be the healthy choice??? Can't I just, for like, a month, eat anything I want, no matter how high in calories, fat, cholesterol, etc and NOT worry about the goddamn scale?? Seriously, it's not like I'm asking for a new Lexus in the damn driveway on Christmas morning!! I just want to be able to eat what I want. Hey, it's my wish, dammit.

WISH #5 Here's the serious portion of the blog, so if you've gotten a good laugh, I'm happy, and here's the sappy portion. Deal with it. I know that you have to take the good with the bad, and if nothing bad ever happened, we couldn't ever really appreciate the good. But seriously? Does the bad always have to be so fucking BAD?? Really??? Cancer? Children losing their parents? School shootings?? Parents losing their babies?? Why can't the worst bad things be, like, flat tires when you're running late? Why can't bad be stopping up the toilet in the morning? Why does bad have to be DEVASTATING?? So just for one year, for 2013, I wish for good. I wish for a year full of happy. No pain, no killing of babies, no cancer, no sadness. I PROMISE I'll appreciate the good, I'll thrill at the positive. I will love what I have been given and not long for more. I will cherish and hold dear those close to me. Hell, I'll even give up being snarky if it means a year without pain and suffering for others.

What's your wish? Now, I've been informed that this is pretty much a chain thing so I have to tap 5 other bloggers. Those bloggers are in NO WAY obligated to carry this through. Christ, it's December 20, who the hell has TIME for this stuff? But I'll do my part, just in case my wishes, any of them, could come true if I pass this on. So tag, you're it:

Evil Joy - UPDATE: Read Joy's here
Somewhat Sane Mom
My Mom's a Whackjob  - UPDATE: Read Joules' here
You're My Favorite Today  - UPDATE: Read Michelle's here
Paige Kellerman - There's More Where That Came From
                                             UPDATE: Read Paige's here

9 comments:

  1. I love #5, and I LOVE you, you spectacularly snarky woman!

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  2. I'm totally fine with a 120 hour Sunday. Totally. Plus, chocolate cake = essential vitamins and minerals? Brilliant.

    And, yes, please dear God on #5.

    Love you Snarkster.

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  3. This list is really getting around the blogosphere!! Just did mine yesterday--- the fun part is realizing how many of us female bloggers are all asking for the same things (chocolate, folded laundry, clean dishes....Yup, I'm there!!!)--SOMEONE needs to take notice and grant us these wishes, if only for one day out of the year!!! I could really use the longer hours on Sunday, too. You are a genius--I should've thought of that but I already sent Santa my list!
    Hope you have a beautiful and bright holiday Teri, and especially may your #5 wish come true! XOXO

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  4. LOVE IT! Fantastically done! And I totally added the link to this post to my blog where I tagged you so everyone can enjoy your awesomeness. Hugs! =)

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  5. Thanks for the tag, and can I just say that wishes #2 and #3 are what I wish for not only at Christmas, but every freakin' day of the year?? MY GOD why can't the lab rats I live with put their crap away?? It'll take a honest to god miracle for those wishes to come true, I sadly think.
    And wish #5? You said it, sister. Well put. But I'd like to edit that wish for you to keep your snark....you wouldn't be you without it!
    :) m.

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  6. I want these burglar things you are referring too.... I live in the freaking hood, you would think they would visit at least once! Also, what is a morning room? I want one of those too!

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  7. This is the first time I've read your blog, and I loved your list, especially number #5. I'd give up just about anything if it meant that could come true; I think a lot of people would.

    If I could wish for something, I'd totally wish to win the lottery so I didn't have to work full time anymore! They say money can't buy happiness, but I think it's because they've never won the lottery!

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  8. I'm on board with every one of these wishes - and I'd go so far as to say the cleaning burglars are welcome to stop by two or three times a month! They'll be out of stuff to steal after the first visit anyway.

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  9. Awesome. One of mine would be, "Please, please, please make my family learn how to use those awesome rectangular drawer things. Please? Please? I'll even accept that bad shit must happen in the world sometimes if this little miracle happens."

    Visiting from the TGFI for first time. Doing follows cause I think I'll enjoy reading you, but not seeking unwilling reciprocity unless you think you want to read me over your morning coffee. Cause life's too short to reading boring blog posts... Jane, from Nothing By The Book

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I do read all comments and try to respond to them. Unless you're trying to get me to visit your website: Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags. Then you can go pound sand.