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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I've Got Balls!

This week, the folks at Blogger Idol are once again offering the Blogger Idol Week 2 Play-at-Home Link Up. Remember last week, the topic was Family or Holiday Traditions? Well, this week's offering has a little bit of a twist. This week, we are to write about a day in the life.......of the opposite sex. So let's pretend that I woke up with balls this morning. And a penis. This is a day in the life of me, as a man.

Photo of my balls courtesy of Photodictionary.com
Please note: *these are not my real balls. Mine are spectacular.


Oh my God, I've got balls. I don't know exactly how it happened, but damn if I don't have balls. TWO of them!! NOW I get what all the fuss is about. I can't juggle them, I can't swat them with a club, a bat or a racquet, but I can touch them. As a matter of fact, I'm touching them right now! You know why? BECAUSE I CAN.

Along with the balls comes the penis. Yup, got one of those as well. It's not too big and it's not too small. It's just right, and it's mine. I can get out of bed and start walking towards the bathroom, pull my underwear down, step out of them and leave them lying right there on the floor. Why? Because I've got balls, and that's what we men who have balls do. Naturally, I go in and pee standing up, because that's what we men with balls do too. I check my hairy face in the mirror and think, damn, I'd make an ugly chick but boy, these balls and this facial hair really make me look hot. Girls dig facial hair. So I say screw shaving. This is my day, and nothing was mentioned in the rules that it has to be MY actual life, so for this one day in the life, I'm a dude, with junk, and I'm on my own.

So I'm heading downstairs where my dogs are and they greet me with tails wagging and drool flying. After letting them out, making myself some coffee and letting them back in, I'm going to feed them. Just me and my boys. My boys are fixed, and at this moment in time, I've got more junk than they do. I am the manliest man in all the land! Or at least in my house. They happily chow down on their Dog Chow while I make a manly omelet. Men love omelets and mine has all the meat I could find in the fridge. Ham. Okay maybe it's not the manliest omelet on the planet but it's mine.

A manly omelet. Not mine, but it could be.
Photo courtesy of Reimen publishing.


I wash my omelet down with a beer. Why? Because I'm a man and that's my right. And because I've finished my coffee and am out of juice. And where do you think I'm leaving my dirty dishes? Damn right, in my sink! I'm so full of testosterone I could wrestle a bear so why in hell would I want to wash a damn dish?

No, what I'm doing is watching football all day. Just me, my boys, my balls and my TV remote. We sit on the couch, them eating Milk Bones and me drinking beer with one hand and fondling my junk in the other. I just want to make sure they're still there. My phone rings around 3:00 in the afternoon and it's a chick. Apparently I was supposed to call her back after I had a date with her. I didn't. I'm a guy, it's a guy thing. I'm just not that into her, but she offers to bring over a pizza so I say sure. Knock yourself out, Susan, er, Sarah, er sorry, Sally. Whatever. Just bring the pizza.

An hour later, the doorbell rings and rouses me from a nap. The dogs look lazily at me from their Milk Bone-induced comas and since they're not making a move to answer the door, it's up to me. I grab a pair of shorts from the living room floor, because that's where I keep my shorts. I do a quick sniff test, find them passable and put them on to answer the door. I'm a dude but I'm not a caveman, give me some credit. I open the door and there is Sus...Sara...Sal... there she is with pizza in one hand and a six pack in the other. Why didn't I like this chick?

Photo of Sus..Sar...Sal...hot chick with pizza and beer courtesy of Thatsthespirit.com
We enjoy the rest of the first game and flip over to watch the next game. Turns out she likes one team, I like the other. Awesome. I've been looking for a way to get rid of her anyway, and if she doesn't like my team, I'm pretty much finished with her. What better way to get rid of a clingy chick then to prove just how awesome a man I am? I start farting and blame the dogs. Once the beer is gone, the pizza is eaten and the dogs have gone outside (because man do their asses stink!) I sit there watching her team demolish mine. I ask her to pull my finger and she leaves. What? What'd I do? It was a joke. Chicks just don't dig fart jokes.

Once all the football games are over, my dogs are sleepy and I've got a tired buzz going on. I take off my shorts and leave them, naturally, on the living room floor. I schlepp up the stairs to my bedroom, pee standing up one last time and head to bed. As I drift off to sleep, you know exactly where my hand is. Who knows if I will wake up in the morning with junk, so I need to enjoy it while I've got it.

19 comments:

  1. I loved this. You are MY husband. That is great! I havent figured out how to actually DO this week 2 play at home yet.

    Looking forward to posting this comment without the bots too! Here goes.....

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    1. Yay!! I've always wanted to be your husband! :) Glad you are bot free and posting much more smoothly now.

      Teri

      ps...can't wait to read yours!!

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  2. You've got some set of balls on you to take that kind of shot at guys who have balls. :-)

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    1. Yes but they're imaginary balls, Jer. They're pretty big, but they're only in my head.

      Teri

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    2. As opposed to next to the other head... :-)

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    3. Yes, my imaginary balls were close to that head as well, Stef. ;)

      T

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  3. I'm thinking all our male alter-egos should go hang out sometime!!! ;)

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    1. They should go out for a beer, maybe shoot some pool, scratch their crotches and drink some more beer. ;)

      Loved yours!!

      Teri

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  4. Replies
    1. Thanks Joni! I just read yours as well. Nicely done!

      Teri

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  5. Hahahahahahaha! You had me at "I've Got Balls." You are high-freakin-larious. Love you!

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  6. Love it. You perfectly described the life of all of our husbands haha.

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    Replies
    1. Pretty much! Thanks for agreeing. ;)

      Teri

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  7. How fun! It is amazing how obsessed the play along participants are with male genitalia. Your take is pretty funny, and I can't say I would not do the same my first day as a man.

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    1. LOL I can only imagine how I'd really be, Mary. I'd probably check to make sure they were still there just like I constantly check that my cell phone hasn't escaped from its home in my back pocket. :)

      Teri

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  8. OMG - I LOVE THIS!!!! You rock. I love how the day played out. This is awesome!!!!!! I do dig the dryer balls - imagine if all junk was that pokey....bawhahahahahaha

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  9. This is genius! This post was amazeballs!

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  10. Ha! Love it! Especially that dishes in the sink bit...grrrrr.
    Glad I found you on Finding the Funny!

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