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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 24 and 21. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Battle of the GPSsssss....

I had to drive 14 to Penn State University this past weekend for volleyball camp, and having never driven up there myself, I required the use of a GPS. Luckily we have a Garmin that I bought off Groupon several years ago, and I also have the Waze GPS app on my phone. If you haven't downloaded the Waze app, stop reading, get your phone and download it. I'll wait. Seriously. It's worth it. Oh, and did I mention it's free?

For shits and giggles, we put the address in both GPSs (GPSes? GPS's?) whatever the hell the plural of GPS is, we set 'em both up. Samantha (who is my girl who tells me where to go on the Waze app) had us arriving 2 minutes earlier than Jack. Jack is the male dude on my Garmin, and dude was SURE his way was the right way. Dumbass.

Off we went. They were both in agreement until we got to just north of Bedford. Driving in GPS harmony was lovely. Then Jack wanted us to take the PA Turnpike. Jack apparently thinks we've got money we can just piss away. Samantha, on the other hand, being much wiser and more thrifty, opted to take Rt. 220 to US 99. When we made the left (Samantha's direction) instead of the right (Jack's choice), Jack got all pissy and was like: "Recalculating, you stupid humans. Don't you know that my way is ALWAYS best??" Well, he did say the first part, but that second part was TOTALLY inferred in his tone. Whatever, Jack. I don't have the extra cash to spend on the damn Turnpike, so screw you, I'm following Samantha's advice.

This did not make Jack very happy. Jack disagreed with everything Samantha said after that. If she said go right, Jack said "No, dummy, LEFT, go LEFT". If Samantha said "In 300 feet, stay to the right" Jack would snidely respond "Only an IDIOT would stay to the right. Pffft." I swear, my GPS pfffted at me. How dare he??

Needless to say, Jack spent the remainder of the trip muted. And when Samantha would tell us to take a right, 14 and I would mock him. "Ooooh look Jack, we're going right!! What are YOU gonna do about it??"

Overall it was an uneventful trip made enjoyable by the dueling devices on my dash.

Flash forward to yesterday, when I needed to go to the Coast Guard base close to where I live in West Virginia (read that sentence again and tell me if it makes sense that there is a Coast Guard base in WEST. VIRGINIA.) So hubby gets Jack ready to go, and I, of course, get Samantha all queued up and off we go. Now here's where it got interesting. Jack kept losing his mind. Well, technically, his satellites. He kept having to reacquire satellites. Every 30 feet, Jack would say "Reacquiring satellites". I just figured he was pissed off and being bitchy since we didn't listen to his advice on Sunday. But then Samantha stopped telling me the name of streets on which I needed to turn. "Turn left..." Not "Turn left in 200 feet" or "Turn left on Smith Street". No, girlfriend was just telling me to turn, but giving me NO indications as to WHERE I had to turn.

Here's what I think happened. I left my phone in the car Sunday night. Jack got all smooth talking and made his moves on Samantha; Samantha, while coy at first, must have warmed up to Jack's charms and he somehow got into her inner workings and flipped some switch inside. Only not the good switch that a girl WANTS flipped, but a bad switch that makes her do stupid stuff. Like not tell me what street I needed to turn. And now, the two of them are plotting against me.

Just to be safe, I'm hitting Mapquest before EVERY trip.


  1. Google Maps on my iPhone has become my go-to GPS thing. As long as I actually make the turns I am supposed to make it seems to work out pretty good. As for the techie things getting all up in each other's shorts, maybe the best switch for both of them is the OFF switch. At least until they can act appropriately in a public vehicle.

  2. And this is why I am still a map girl.

  3. HAHAHAHAHA!! Thats what you get for leaving them together, unsupervised. Watch out. You might have little GPS babies in 9 months.

  4. I agree - you're going to have all kinds of electronics giving you directions in 9 mos!! rofl - my Garmin needs updated, what, like roads have changed in the past 4-5 years?! - and I think it's part of it's problem. The kids LOVE to change the language on the Garmin, preferably when I'm not aware that they did it. Always good for a laugh, as long as Mom's not lost and in a hurry when she flips on Garmin to hear "Hola!" lol Glad you made it there and back, with added entertainment!

  5. I hope they're not like Tribbles multiplying extremely fast causing an overload in satellites and having you drive around in circles.

  6. This is pretty damn funny. I though for sure I was the only one that makes up scenarios about my GPS. I am glad that you took it a step further and "mated" your GPSs!

  7. This is hysterical. My boyfriend swears by Mapquest, while I'm a Waze girl. I was winning until last week when we were (coincidentally) on vacation in the Poconos with all four of our kids. In one car ride to Ricketts Glenn, Eileen (my girl) took us in a total circle, left us in a field in the middle of nowhere, and then refused to acknowledge that we had not, actually reached our destination. As a result, I have been forced to accept a Mapquest double-check of all of Eileen's directions.

  8. I have google maps and GPS on my phone and sometimes still get lost!

    Hope you had a great July 4th!

  9. I never know who I'm going to get on my GPS, as the hubs and 5-year-old are constantly changing the voicees on it. Yesterday it was Darth Vader, which was kind of fun. Oh, and "Recalculating, bitch!" made me laugh out loud. :)

  10. You know there are easier ways to have the sex talk with the kids than the GPS method right? Or is it a birth control method we're teaching!?!?!? hehehehehe...

    I love your posts! Every one makes me smile or laugh or moves to me to action! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

    And I'm still waiting for my GPS to say " I said LEFT dumbass!"

  11. or you could have been going to the Border Patrol training center...also in WV
    for the while borders of...Maryland??

  12. I DO NOT trust Jack or Samantha. Last night they screwed you again!

  13. This happened to the boyfriend and I on our way to Calgary when his Gps tried to kill us. It was enough to trigger me as a child of divorce. My son always asks when the man on the stereo is going to stop whining.


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