My girls missed the bus today. Here's why I'm glad....

It's no secret that I've had issues with my girls missing the school bus in the morning. The damn thing stops directly in front of my house every single morning. Directly. In front. Of my house. It's not like they even have to walk a block to the bus stop. The drivers could only make it more convenient if they called my house as they were entering my development to give us a 5 minute warning. And yet, my girls continue to miss the bus. Today, however, upon further reflection, I'm happy my girls missed the bus.

"Why?" you may ask. "Why all of a sudden are you HAPPY that both your girls missed the bus, Snarky? Have you fallen and hit your head again?"

No, I haven't. But thanks for asking.

While I was in the shower, I did some thinking. That's where I do a LOT of my thinking for blog post ideas. I have NO idea why, but that's usually where the light bulb goes off over my head. Kinda dangerous if you ask me, light bulbs in the shower, but whatever. I digress.

If my girls missing the school bus is the worst problem I have to deal with, I'm pretty damn lucky, aren't I? They missed the bus. Not because they were out getting drunk at a party last night. They weren't. Not because we were having a huge fight in my house. We weren't. Not because they are so unhappy that they've run away from home. They haven't. Not because they are on drugs and I couldn't rouse them. They aren't.

Getting the picture?

My girls are healthy. Some kids aren't. Some kids are in the hospital, waiting for an organ transplant. Or going through chemotherapy. Or suffer from anxiety issues. Or a million other things. My girls were just tired and didn't wake up quickly enough to get on the bus. Why? Because they were up talking 'til some ridiculous hour. I was already asleep long before they headed to their own rooms and went to sleep.

They have each other. They rely on each other. When they were younger, they made my life HELL because they did nothing but fight. Now, the fighting has all but disappeared, and has been replaced with late night chats in one of their rooms, behind closed doors. Sometimes I'm invited in. Sometimes I'm not. But they have each other. And they're happy. And they're healthy. And I'm the luckiest mom. Because they could've missed the bus because of drug addiction, alcohol abuse, health issues, abusive boyfriend issues, mental issues or about a thousand other reasons that other parents deal with. No, I'm lucky because my girls missed the bus because they were tired from spending time talking to each other too late into the night.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still annoyed that they missed the bus. But I have to think that it could always be much worse.

Sensitivity and the teenager......

I picked 16 up from basketball practice last night and we were discussing the blog. I told her I was trying to come up with some ideas on a blog about her dad. She asked if I was going to throw him 'out of the bus' like I do with her and her sister. And I said "first of all, it's UNDER the bus, not OUT OF the bus. And B, I don't throw you guys under the bus.


Much."

She then proceeded to explain to me about how I'm always like, "Oh I'm so proud of 16, she's such an awesome kid BUT SHE MISSES THE BUS and she never listens and she does this wrong and that wrong."

I didn't think that I was being mean. I think all teenagers do a lot of the same things. Messy rooms, not doing what's asked of them, being all-consumed with the iPhone, not doing what's asked of them, no sense of urgency, then blaming everyone else when things don't go as planned. I'm not alone in this. I swear, there are other parents out there with kids who are EXACTLY like mine. I write about mine so that other moms will tell me I'm not the only one. Nothing makes me feel better than when someone else says "Oh the same thing happens in my house." Because it makes me feel like I'm NOT sucking as a parent.

These girls didn't come with any training manual, no instructions on how NOT to fuck up their lives. So it's all been trial and error for me. And after the conversation with 16 I felt like it was WAY more error than trial.

And now I'm left wondering if I'm doing more harm than good by writing about them. Blogging about stuff, writing songs when they miss the school bus. I cannot tell you how much they hate those songs. Their friends give them a hard time, their friends' parents kid them about it. I don't do it to be malicious, I do it as a release. It's frustrating to me and I turn my frustration to humor. I have to. Drinking before work is kind of frowned upon.

She says I never write about the GOOD stuff they do.

Make no mistake, I'm incredibly proud of both my daughters. You'll never meet a more proud mom. They are smart, they are beautiful, funny, caring girls. They never rob banks or kick puppies. They never make fun of hobos or break windows. They almost never steal cars. And if they hate my songs about the school bus, maybe they could try MAKING the bus more often. I've already conceded to not writing songs when they MAKE the bus (which is awesome because I'm running out of ideas), and if they never missed the bus again, I'll never have to come with another witty song, ever. Trust me, that would be just fine with me.

So let it be known here and now and henceforth that I DO love my kids, I AM proud of them, they ARE amazing girls, and I hereby apologize to them if they feel that I'm mean to them on my blog or Facebook page.

And let me also say this: being messy, missing the bus and having to be nagged are problems I am THRILLED to have. Because there are other parents out there who have to deal with their children doing drugs, drinking, teen pregnancy, health issues, behavioral problems. Trust me, if the only thing I ever have to worry about is my daughter missing the school bus, I am the luckiest mother on the face of the earth.

How to wake your kids up for school in the morning: The Reality

Getting those kids out of bed in the morning. It's a no-brainer, really. If you read this article, it's chock full of great tips and helpful hints for a gloriously happy morning in your household. Even the title screams positivity! Ten Positive Ways to Wake Your Kids Up for School! Your darling angels will wake up happy and smiling, which will, of course, start your day off in a magnificent way. What could possibly go wrong?

See?? Isn't that magnificent?? I'm happier already. In MY reality, that list of ways to rouse your amazing offspring doesn't tell the full story. Here, I'mma tell you the REAL truth, as I see it in Snarkworld. Now, y'all know I've had a bit of a rough go of it over the past few weeks 16 years. I've learned a little something over the course of those years when dealing with my girls in the morning. So here goes a sort of point/counter point to this article, as I see it. All opinions are my own and as you would expect, they are a bit on the snarky side. What else would they be?

1. Reticular Activating Formation. They say it's our internal alarm clock. I say Rectangular what? They say to open the blinds during the night to slowly let the light in. 16's bus comes at 7:03. The sun is barely up. May-hap I should call the school and ask them to start just a smidge later? So that my adorable little cuddle-bunnies can gradually awaken to the sun's natural glow? Can I just tell you that one evening a few weeks ago, I was sitting out back with Lisa (the Nazi running crack ho) on her patio enjoying a glass (or 4) of wine. One of her friends was with us and as we were chatting, the friend just happened to notice that a young woman was comfortable enough with her body that she was undressing with the blinds open. Yep, that would be MY comfortable young woman. 16 had decided to get changed with the lights on, blinds open for God and Lisa and all mankind to see. I've since nailed her blinds shut.

2. Sundowning. Otherwise know at Casa Snarkfest as 'beating my head against the wall over and over ad nauseam. Every night it's the same thing:
            9:00 give me your phone.
            9:30 finish the homework, you need to go to bed. No, you can't have your phone back to do your  homework. You can't find the answers to your homework on TwitStagramChatBook.
            10:00 come on, lights out.
            10:15 get out of your sister's room
            10:30 NOW you have to brush your teeth?
            10:45 GET OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S ROOM
            11:00 SERIOUSLY???
Repeat nightly.

3. This is one of my favorites: "Instead of yelling "GET UP",  try speaking softly to rouse them from their deep slumber. Rub their back to make them feel loved, cared for and appreciated. Ignore their grumpiness and show them love."  WHAT???? Who are these people and where did they get kids who respond to THAT??? I want that!!! I've rubbed their little backs, I've cooed to them like a momma pigeon, soothingly trying to rouse them from their slumber. And here's a bit of advice on that. It. Doesn't. Work. In. My. House. This goes sort of hand in hand with the next one:

4. Tickle them awake. Who can resist waking up to laughter? I'll tell you who: MY KIDS. I've come close to broken ribs (mine) broken wrists (mine) and bruised thighs (mine) from the loving reaction I receive from my slumbering angels when I try to tickle them awake. "STOP!" they grunt as they kick out a leg into my thigh or swing an arm at my wrist. They flail, they swing (and connect!) and they are most definitely NOT waking up to laughter.

5. "Sing to them. Waking up to a song is an expression of pure joy." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah, not in my house. 13 sleeps with a radio on. I could turn the volume up to 11 and scream the lyrics to "Enter Sandman" and she would lay there like a corspe. Because apparently, Sandman gives her an extra dose of slumber sand each night. Bastard.

6. Play music. See #5.

7. "Cook cinnamon rolls or some other aromatic food for breakfast." Have you NOT been paying attention?? I cannot get these girls out of bed with enough time for them to come downstairs long enough to EAT breakfast. On the first day of school, the dogs had a delish breakfast of Dog Chow and scrambled eggs. The dogs get up early EVERY morning for me. The kids? Not so much. I could take a hotplate and make them cinnamon French toast IN THEIR BEDS and they still wouldn't get up. I could coat them in vanilla and brown sugar, and they'd roll over and snore louder.

8. "Leave them alone. Bed is sanctuary, no one likes to be ripped from one's sanctuary. Give them a few minutes to collect their thoughts." Yes, if I want them to go right back to sleep after I make them cinnamon shit, rub their backs, sing to them and tickle them, I'll give them a few minutes to collect their thoughts. And in 30 seconds, I'll hear snoring again. "I'm not sleeping, I'm collecting my thoughts!" GET OUT OF BED NOW!!!!

9. Get treatment for hypersomnia. Whatever. They are teenagers, they aren't depressed, they aren't anxious. They just can't get their asses in bed at a decent time so that they could get their asses BACK out of bed at a decent time.

10. Set a plan for them to take responsibility and get themselves up. UGH. Whatever.

Look, I love my girls and I'm trying to raise them to be responsible, non-sociopathic, non-homicidal-maniac adults. There is very little drama in our lives. There are very few conflicts that we deal with on a day to day basis. I do consider myself tremendously lucky that I've got happy, healthy, well-adjusted daughters. In the great big scheme of things, the morning trials and tribulations at Casa Snarkfest will be a laughable memory in years to come. But for now, it's driving me to drink.