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1. Reticular Activating Formation. They say it's our internal alarm clock. I say Rectangular what? They say to open the blinds during the night to slowly let the light in. 16's bus comes at 7:03. The sun is barely up. May-hap I should call the school and ask them to start just a smidge later? So that my adorable little cuddle-bunnies can gradually awaken to the sun's natural glow? Can I just tell you that one evening a few weeks ago, I was sitting out back with Lisa (the Nazi running crack ho) on her patio enjoying a glass (or 4) of wine. One of her friends was with us and as we were chatting, the friend just happened to notice that a young woman was comfortable enough with her body that she was undressing with the blinds open. Yep, that would be MY comfortable young woman. 16 had decided to get changed with the lights on, blinds open for God and Lisa and all mankind to see. I've since nailed her blinds shut.
2. Sundowning. Otherwise know at Casa Snarkfest as 'beating my head against the wall over and over ad nauseam. Every night it's the same thing:
9:00 give me your phone.
9:30 finish the homework, you need to go to bed. No, you can't have your phone back to do your homework. You can't find the answers to your homework on TwitStagramChatBook.
10:00 come on, lights out.
10:15 get out of your sister's room
10:30 NOW you have to brush your teeth?
10:45 GET OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S ROOM
3. This is one of my favorites: "Instead of yelling "GET UP", try speaking softly to rouse them from their deep slumber. Rub their back to make them feel loved, cared for and appreciated. Ignore their grumpiness and show them love." WHAT???? Who are these people and where did they get kids who respond to THAT??? I want that!!! I've rubbed their little backs, I've cooed to them like a momma pigeon, soothingly trying to rouse them from their slumber. And here's a bit of advice on that. It. Doesn't. Work. In. My. House. This goes sort of hand in hand with the next one:
4. Tickle them awake. Who can resist waking up to laughter? I'll tell you who: MY KIDS. I've come close to broken ribs (mine) broken wrists (mine) and bruised thighs (mine) from the loving reaction I receive from my slumbering angels when I try to tickle them awake. "STOP!" they grunt as they kick out a leg into my thigh or swing an arm at my wrist. They flail, they swing (and connect!) and they are most definitely NOT waking up to laughter.
5. "Sing to them. Waking up to a song is an expression of pure joy." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah, not in my house. 13 sleeps with a radio on. I could turn the volume up to 11 and scream the lyrics to "Enter Sandman" and she would lay there like a corspe. Because apparently, Sandman gives her an extra dose of slumber sand each night. Bastard.
6. Play music. See #5.
7. "Cook cinnamon rolls or some other aromatic food for breakfast." Have you NOT been paying attention?? I cannot get these girls out of bed with enough time for them to come downstairs long enough to EAT breakfast. On the first day of school, the dogs had a delish breakfast of Dog Chow and scrambled eggs. The dogs get up early EVERY morning for me. The kids? Not so much. I could take a hotplate and make them cinnamon French toast IN THEIR BEDS and they still wouldn't get up. I could coat them in vanilla and brown sugar, and they'd roll over and snore louder.
8. "Leave them alone. Bed is sanctuary, no one likes to be ripped from one's sanctuary. Give them a few minutes to collect their thoughts." Yes, if I want them to go right back to sleep after I make them cinnamon shit, rub their backs, sing to them and tickle them, I'll give them a few minutes to collect their thoughts. And in 30 seconds, I'll hear snoring again. "I'm not sleeping, I'm collecting my thoughts!" GET OUT OF BED NOW!!!!
9. Get treatment for hypersomnia. Whatever. They are teenagers, they aren't depressed, they aren't anxious. They just can't get their asses in bed at a decent time so that they could get their asses BACK out of bed at a decent time.
10. Set a plan for them to take responsibility and get themselves up. UGH. Whatever.
Look, I love my girls and I'm trying to raise them to be responsible, non-sociopathic, non-homicidal-maniac adults. There is very little drama in our lives. There are very few conflicts that we deal with on a day to day basis. I do consider myself tremendously lucky that I've got happy, healthy, well-adjusted daughters. In the great big scheme of things, the morning trials and tribulations at Casa Snarkfest will be a laughable memory in years to come. But for now, it's driving me to drink.