Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Ebola! The thread is real!


Friday, October 24, 2014

Band Senior Night

YIKES! How did this happen?? It seems like only a moment ago, 17 was a fresh-faced freshman marching on to the football field with the rest of the marching band. And now, she's a senior, getting ready to march in her last high school halftime show. Tonight is senior night for the band. Husband, 15 and I will escort her onto the field as they pay tribute to the 42 senior class members of the marching band.

Holy crap. That time went by in the blink of an eye. An eye that will most definitely be tear-filled this evening.

She absolutely loves the band and everything associated with it. And while she won't be a music major in college, the memories that she takes with her from high school are going to be filled with band trips, band camp stories, Dairy Queen trips after performances, sleepovers after Friday night games and how unbelievably amazing the band director and assistant band director have been over these past 4 years.

I've still got another 3 years to go with this band while 15 is a member. I will hold on to every moment and try to make them last, because the first 4 years seriously flew by.

17, I love you. I'm proud of you for what you've done, all that you've accomplished, the brave and amazing young woman you've become. And tonight, I will walk proudly next to you on that football field as they call your name. And I will hug you and hold you and never let you go. Well, until it's time for me to go back into the concessions stand and time for you to march in one of the last high school halftime shows.

So enjoy your senior  night, enjoy the recognition and the time you spend this year with your band family. I couldn't ask for a better group of people. Your friends, their families, they are all a pleasure. I think I've enjoyed this time almost as much as you have.



Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Cranky and Snarky

I'm in a really grumpy mood. Like, REALLY cranky. Can't blame the monthly, that's over. The weather is overcast and cold, so that may be it. OR it could be the fact that when I was driving my girls to school today (shut up, that's a major part of it) I asked 17 if she had remembered to hand in the note I wrote excusing her for her absence this past Monday.

"No" she replied, "I couldn't find it in my bookbag. I think I left it on the counter at home."

That set me off. Not sure why, maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's pre-peri-pissy-menopause but I went off like a freaking Roman candle.

I was reminded of the time when my best friend's daughter Sally was home from school for several days with strep and forgot to hand in her excuse note. My bestie received a call from the truant officer saying that she could be taken to court. Then I was reminded that 17 is currently applying to colleges and I thought "Dear God she's never going to get into a good school if she's got an unexcused absence!!! She'll be living at home FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!!"

Ok, yes, maybe I'm being a little overly dramatic, but I don't care. Because there's a certain responsibility that she should have by now. And I said "How can I trust you to be responsible enough to drive a car with your sister to and from school if you can't be responsible for turning a note into the office??"

That's when 15 changed the radio station and I heard Iggy Azalea. "Who dat, who dat? Dat do dat, do dat?"

NO. Absolutely NOT.

I cannot STAND Iggy Azalea. I absolutely HATE listening to that shit. She sounds like she has absolutely NO grasp of the English language. So this was my reaction to 15's choice of songs:

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! NO MORE IGGY AZALEA! AND NO MORE NIKKI MINAJ EITHER! They both sound like ignorant assholes who can't speak English. I'm sick and tired of that shit on the radio, so if they come on, we're not listening to them anymore!!"

And there you have it. I'm officially old. I'm THAT mom. I may as well have added "You young whippersnappers!" to the end of that sentence.

Isn't this thing ugly? This is how I'm feeling today. Old and ugly.


I should've said "And another thing, you kids get off my lawn! And get me a new battery for my hearing aid! And bring me my Metamucil. And don't forget my Geritol!"

I should NOT be allowed around people today. People in general are just pissing me off. Starting with Iggy and Nikki and those pesky kids on my lawn. I should just take the rest of the day off, go home, put on my housecoat and my bedroom slippers and take a nap. Maybe I'll wake up feeling less cranky, refreshed and ready to be a human again.

Or maybe I'll wake up with an aching back in my Sansa-belt pants and my HABAND! blouse listening to Glen Miller on my K-Tell album playing on my record player.

I'm old, folks. Old and cranky. Say something to make me happy, cheer me up. Or get the hell off my lawn.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Look at me! Enabling YOU!

Don't you just HATE when someone wants to sell you something?? I don't know about you, but I don't have a whole lotta cash just lying around the house. My junk drawer is NOT overflowing with spare change. So I feel your pain when someone says "Hey wanna buy some .... (fill in your own blank here)".

But I will say this: If you DO have extra cash and you DO want to buy something, would you consider making your purchase using the links on my page? I'm not trying to SELL you anything, honest I'm not. What I AM asking is that if you DO plan on making a purchase, say, on Amazon.com, that you use the Amazon.com link on the old Snarkfest blog page.

Or how about this? If you're looking to book some travel, I've added the Booking.com link to my page. And if you're looking for a $20 funny tee-shirt, how about using the Busted Tees link? And for those of you who love M&M's you can get them personalized AND buy them from the link at the bottom of this blog post.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I need to make money. 2 band kids, both wanna go to Florida with the band over spring break. I've tried selling Dumbass on eBay but people demanded that if they buy her, I must pay THEM to take her off my hands. That's not happening.

Anybody wanna buy a cat? Drawer not included

So don't look at it like ME trying to SELL YOU something. Look at it as me providing the portal through which you, if you were so INCLINED to buy something, can make your purchase. I'm like the enabler. I'm here for you. Booking.com. Busted Tees. M&M's. Amazon.com. What more could you ask for? Go buy!!

In the immortal words of the old guys from the old Bartles and James commercials, "...and thank you for your support."

Monday, October 20, 2014

Cats and costumes: they do not mix well...

With Halloween only days away, here's a blast from the past. Be safe, you dressers of dogs, you cat couturists....

Let's get one thing straight right now. If you dress up your dog, your cat, your hamster, guinea pig, giraffe, Beta fish, whatever, he HATES you. He wants to tear out your throat. He wants to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Seriously.

My friends who know me well will tell you, I absolutely HATE to see animals dressed up. If they had thumbs and the ability to call a lawyer, they'd sue your ass in a heartbeat.  They only put up with you dressing them up because they don't have thumbs and can't feed themselves. Do they chew on your shoes? Do they pee or poop in the house? It's most likely due to the fact that at some point in time, you've done this to them:


This is not a happy kitty.
Photo courtesy: TrendHunter.com




Admit it, if someone did that to you and you were powerless to fight back or stand up for yourself, you'd want to kill them too. I'm not exactly sure why one does this to an animal. It's not funny (okay it's a little funny) but it's also borderline animal cruelty. Admit it. You're laughing at this cat. He's looking at you and in his little cat brain he's saying "Could you please have at least removed the Goddamn tag before you put this shit on me?? Who the hell am I? Minnie Pearl???" Because he knows who Minnie Pearl is. No self-respecting, costume wearing cat wouldn't know who Minnie Pearl is.

Then we have this poor little bastard:

Kareem Abdul Japug
Photo courtesy: VH1 (don't ask)

Seriously, what kind of sick bastard does this to a dog? Doesn't his owner know that he's not only going to get the shit kicked out of him by all the other neighborhood dogs, but he'll need therapy too because white pugs can't jump. For chrissakes, everyone knows that. Wrong. Just so wrong. If you do this to your pet, you deserve for him to jump on your balls and make you spill your beer all over yourself.

I have no words for this picture:

Seriously, wtf is that?  Photo courtesy: dailymail.co.uk



And this poor little bastard is wishing those other two heads were actually REAL so he'd have some help when he climbs up on the bed while you're sleeping and tears your arms off and beats you to death with them:

"I am not amused, asshole." Photo courtesy: funnyfidos.com
This may just be the first time in recorded history that dog and cat came together in unison and killed their master in a manner far too graphic for this family blog:

Yes, fluffy, sadly you do. Photo courtesy: Kodak.com

This dog, through no fault of his own, looks like a giant asshole. He knows it, the other dogs in the neighborhood know it. Hell, even his master knows it, yet still, he wears this costume. But don't worry, this flying Fido will have his revenge. When you go to sleep at night, he will use one of those wings to break into the refrigerator, he will eat every last grape in the produce drawer and he will commence to shitting all over the house. From one end of the place to the other, you will wake up to the glorious smell of dog shit and you will regret ever making him wear this dreadful outfit:

I am NOT a pilot, I am an angry dog. Photo courtesy: nynerd.com
These crime-fighting cats will exact their revenge on you when you least expect it. You have dressed them up like superheroes, but I can assure you, if you were ever in need of help, these furious felines would be the LAST ones you should look to for assistance. In fact, I'm thinking if the Riddler or the Joker had you tied up on railroad tracks and a train was coming, these kitties might just be driving the train:

Superheroes. No. Super pissed off? You betcha!  Photo courtesy: cdn.hahajk.com
I could go on and on, but I'm guessing you get the message. For the love of all that is holy, STOP the madness. If you think your pet would look adorable in pink tights and a tutu, think about how YOU would feel if someone bigger and stronger came in to your house and put pink tights and a tutu on your ass. Would YOU like it? Probably not. Give your pet that same consideration. And if you WOULD like it, well, that's a blog post for another day.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Profound sadness...

Putting the wit and the snark on hold for today, Snarklings. Yesterday we received some pretty devastating news about one of the members of our community. A child, one day after his 15th birthday, was struck and killed by a car while riding his bike on a twisty rural road. This boy had been a classmate of my own 15 since we moved here 8 years ago. The family lived in our neighborhood when we first moved here.

My own child celebrated her 15th birthday the day before he did. She told me through tears that they used to wish one another a happy birthday, since their birthdays were one day apart. Their last names both started with B, so they were locker neighbors. She recalled how they used to rush to their lockers between classes, and try to see who could open his/her locker first, and they jokingly push one another out of the way as they stood side by side racing to open those lockers.

She said he was a good kid. And she cried. We all are. No mother or father should have to deal with losing a child. But it was an accident, a very tragic accident. And it's just heart-breaking.



Remember all those times I bitched about my girls missing the bus? Remember all the suggestions that they be made to ride their bikes to school? THIS is why I never forced that issue. The roads here are not very bike-friendly.

A Go-Fund-Me account has been set up for the family to help with funeral expenses, and right now, I'm sure they could use all the good thoughts you could send their way.

This morning, my daughters made it to school. But one family in our town isn't so lucky. Our hearts break for them, and our thoughts and prayers go out to them. I have no more words...

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Second Annual National Pee Alone Moms Night Out

So much to talk about these days. Ebola! OMG! The Fall TV Season! OMG! Elections! OMG!

My daughter is a senior in High School! BIGGEST OMG EVER! Just look at this gorgeous picture. Yes, I'm biased, shut up.

Holy crap she's gorgeous.
She's been looking at colleges and will be starting her final season as a varsity basketball player in just a few short weeks. Her sister, my baby, is in the middle of her freshman year and is just finishing up her jv season on the volleyball team. The hubby has just taken a job out of town and is spending more time with his aging parents, which is a blessing for them. So with all the running around and craziness we have going on, you can bet your sweet patootie that I need a Moms Night Out.

That's why I'm so excited to announce the Second Annual Pee Alone Moms Night Out! The contributors to the hilarious book (that I'm a part of) I Just Want to Pee Alone (now on sale at Amazon.com for $8.91!!) all teamed up last year on October 16 and held a National Pee Alone Moms Night Out, and it was such a rousing success that we're going to do it again this year. Only we're opening it up to ALL bloggers, hell ANYONE who wants to host this event may do so.

Moms deserve a night out and I'm no different, so my event will once again be held at Domestic in Shepherdstown. Meet me there at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday, November 12 and we'll have dinner, drinks, some laughs and some great fun! There will also be a raffle to benefit the Jefferson High School Cougar Marching Band. Gotta get those kids to Florida somehow!

Don't you love my attempts to edit last year's flyer in Paint? Not quitting my day job.
What d'ya say? Do you need a night out? More details will follow this post with locations all around the country, so stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

How can you be 15 already??

You were just a baby yesterday!! It's not possible that you are turning 15 today. Just not possible. Stop growing up, do you hear me?? You stop growing up right now!
T-ball, circa 2003

Hawaii 2005
Keller Williams Race for Kids Health 2013
Homecoming 8th grade, 2013
Blowing the horn onstage with her Uncle Terry, summer 2013

Kicking ass at volleyball, winter 2014
Happy Birthday, my amazing, incredible, sweet, funny, talented, generous and beautiful 15.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sayreville High School football hazing.........

I heard about this story yesterday on the Today Show, then I read a Sports Illustrated article about this case and I'm just torn. Allegations against members of the Sayreville High School football team have caused the investigators and the school superintendent to cancel the remainder of their season. 5 games will go unplayed. No senior night. No Homecoming game.



The allegations aren't just about big guys sticking little guys in a locker or giving them atomic wedgies. The allegations are 'lewd'. I had to read this next sentence twice before I physically winced.

"Investigators are looking into whether upperclassmen on the Sayreville football team digitally penetrated underclassmen on the team."

Today, digitally means electronically. But before the iPhones, video games and Google, digital mean 'finger'. Gross. If the allegations are true, this is horrific.

Here's a quote from a female freshman: "Things have been blown out of proportion. We know the players, and hazing, to them, they didn't mean it in that way. It was more like being friends."

Sorry, female freshman who isn't on the football team, but I've got LOTS of friends, and not a single one of them has ever 'digitally penetrated' me. No, this is just wrong on so many levels.

BUT.....

As a band parent, this also leaves me torn. 5 games remaining in the season. Just like our football team. Our team has a better record than they've had in years, which naturally draws a bigger crowd to Friday night football games. Our concession stand is our main source of funding for a band of 172 kids. If our last few games were cancelled, we'd lose a tremendous amount of revenue for the band.

Why are they not just punishing those responsible for this awful issue? I understand that the investigation is ongoing, but in the meantime, everyone suffers.

What are YOUR thoughts on this subject? Are they being fair by cancelling the season because of the actions of a few? Or is it an appropriate action because they don't yet have all the facts? I would love to hear what you think. Because I'm still torn.




Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Six words.... a REALLY important piece for me....

Hey Snarklings. Today I have a piece up on Mamalode and it's a really hard truth for me. It's about letting 17 grow up and the struggle it's been for me. And the struggle it continues to be. Please read it and please share it. Comment, tell me if it affects you. It's called Six Words.....

Read it here....

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

A Letter To The General Public...

When I originally wrote this, it was posted on The Epistolarians, and I'm re-posting it here and dedicating it to my friend Lisa, who works in the customer service industry and was screamed at yesterday by a customer who spent more on clothes than Lisa makes in a day. This entitled bitch made my friend feel small and bullied and if I ever meet this bitch in person, I will punch her in the junk. 

Lisa, this is for you....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear fellow guests, shoppers, travelers, and customers in general,

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this to you. I mean, you don't even know me, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, and I just felt compelled to speak up. You see, your fight was delayed, but it wasn't that poor man's fault working the check-in counter at the gate. He had nothing to do with the flight being delayed. It's not like he went out and unscrewed some nuts and bolts or removed the airplane's left wing as a joke. So why are you yelling at him? He doesn't deserve to have you all up in his grill over something that is completely beyond his control.

Photo courtesy of USA Today: http://www.gannett-cdn.com/media/USATODAY/USATODAY/2013/02/06/xxx-terrible-travel-1751-4_3_rx404_c534x401.jpg?87cc7ae5b5e3d133be9f113f907a13faa9f8741e

Or how about you, degenerate gambler who brought his paycheck to the casino? Did the cashier who just broke your last $50 FORCE you to spend it all in that slot machine? Why do you feel the need to give her a mean and nasty attitude? Why did you spend all your money? Just because YOU had a bad day, that doesn't mean you have to make everyone around you just as miserable.

Photo courtesy of Chicago now:  
http://www.chicagonow.com/lists-that-actually-matter/2012/01/top-5-awesomely-degenerate-super-bowl-bets-2/

I was at the social security office the other day, applying for a replacement card for my oldest. And as they called each person in the queue up to be waited on, I continued to hear complaint after complaint. "Why didn't anyone tell us this??" "We didn't know we had to fill out THAT paperwork." And no amount of sweetness or kindness from the customer service rep would appease these unhappy folks. So I made a point, when it was our turn, to try to be as nice and genuinely kind as I possibly could. I figured, I wasn't going in to solve a problem, I just needed a new card. And the woman who waited on us probably needed a smiling face to deal with, for a change. I also made it a point to explain this to 17 so that she, too, can see that it's always better to try to make someone's day better instead of worse. Why add to their stress?

People working in the customer service industry don't deserve to be treated like doormats. They're doing a job. Sometimes it's a thankless job, sometimes they have to deal with real assbags. And they usually have to smile and take all the crap that's being dished out to them. After all, 'the customer's always right.' Well I call bullshit. Let me fill you in on a little secret. When your grandmother said "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," she wasn't talking out the ass of her granny panties. She was telling the truth.

I worked in the customer service industry for many, many years in the casino biz. I worked around people who were at all-time highs, winning jackpots, and all-time lows, losing everything. I paid out winning Keno tickets to people who had to scrape together pennies to afford the $2 cost, and I watched millionaires lose thousands of dollars in slot machines, sometimes hundreds of thousands. It sometimes broke my heart to watch people, who I knew could not afford to be at the casino, continue to spend dollar after dollar, chasing a jackpot that would never come. And some of those people were absolutely beautiful on the inside AND on the outside. Always with a smile, win or lose. And I cringed as I watched people who could afford to light their cigars with $100 bills show nothing but disrespect to cocktail waitresses or dealers. Why?? Why can't people be nicer to folks who are just doing a job?

My point is this: The people who are waiting on you are NOT getting paid extra to take shit from you. A simple smile and a kind word go SO much farther than a bad attitude and a scowl. Are there customer service reps out there that aren't very nice? Sure there are, and they usually don't hold those jobs for very long. But for the ones who DO try to make your experience as quick and painless as possible, take a moment to smile. Take a second to say "thank you, I really appreciate that." You'd be absolutely amazed at how good not only you'll make that person feel, but yourself as well. You'll come away feeling a little better, and that's never a bad thing.

Warmly,
The Snarkmeister




Friday, October 3, 2014

It's the little things....

Small things can make a difference. At least I hope they can. Take this morning, for instance. 14 is participating in a bake sale to benefit her volleyball team this afternoon, and she baked brownies last night to contribute. I cut them and bagged them this morning. I put one in her lunch and one in 17's lunch and threw one into my lunch too.

YUMMY BROWNIES!!!!!!

And then I took it out and wrote "For Dad" on it. And left it on the counter for him.

That's gotta count for something, right? That should burn off calories right there.

And I walked to work this morning, so those calories I burned off by NOT eating that brownie for lunch should be doubly burned.

It made sense in my brain.

I'm running a 10K tomorrow. Down a big-ass hill, then back up. It's gonna be ugly but I'm going to get it done.

Did you ever have one of those days when your brain is all over the place? Can you tell I'm having one this morning?

My youngest daughter auditioned yesterday for the High School's Symphonic Band. She made it. As a freshman, she made it, just like her sister did as a freshman. I couldn't be more proud! And she's just over the moon about it. Way to go, 14! By the way, 14 turns 15 in just under 2 weeks. One of us is getting old.

Hubby is starting a new job next week, so I'm wishing him the best with that.

Common core math sucks donkey balls.

I apologize now for the most random blog I've ever posted, but now I'd like for you to return the favor. What little things do it for you? Tell me a random thing that makes you feel good about yourself!