Scatterbrain’s Guide to Perpetual Motion
If you work(ed) in an office, you’re probably familiar with the guy (yes, or GIRL) who always does things the hard way. You think he’s new, or maybe dropped on his head as a child, so you help him out. Like that Dane Cook bit, if he goes totally postal, maybe he’ll spare you. You show him a faster, more efficient way to do a task. But no, he’s DEAD SET on doing it the much harder way. He could be keeping himself busy, could have a hidden agenda, or just bat-crap crazy. Who knows?
In my role as Head of Sanitation and Sustenance in ComfyTown, apparently I am that THAT GUY. Based on my natural ability to stretch out simple chores to all-day projects, I am That Guy, level Jedi Master. Maybe subconsciously I feel this is some kind of job security, perhaps I feel nothing worthwhile is easy. Or mayhap I am a masochist. (That would actually explain a lot…)
If you like to create arbitrary challenges for yourself, are bat-crap crazy (no judgment here, I’m WITH you) or just want to convince your significant other you are way too busy to possibly have any more children, I’ve got you covered. I’ll show you how to make household jobs take longer. I’m talking Tollway-Construction-Worker “we have to sweep all day to use up our budget” kind of take longer. Just follow me around. So to speak. Actually don’t do that, I’m easily distracted. Read my blog, like my Facebook page, and start with this list I put together of everyday crap that I do. Were this list complete, the internet would be FULL, so thanks to David Letterman’s good ole “Top Ten List,” here are the TOP ways to do things the hard way and battle that winter cabin-fever boredom.
1. Never put anything back where it belongs, so you have to look long and hard for things.
2. Leave CLEAN items (important paperwork) on your wet, filthy countertop. Spread the filth.3. Half-ass wash your kitchen floor, then drop food often. This wastes food AND time.
4. Always be spilling.5. Carry clean and dirty laundry TOGETHER walking through the house. At the very least you’ll forget which is which and have to wash it all again.
6. Do a lot of tasks at the same time, so none gets your full attention. You’ll have to redo them all.
7. Convince yourself you need to make things “from scratch” if you’re horrible at cooking.
8. Leave packed bags, diaper bags, library bags down where the kids can reach them. They’ll do the real work here…unpacking.
9. Never have the little ones nap at the same time. Idle time is the devil’s playground.10. Have more kids. Close together. Watch extra kids, why not?
These methods are proven. You will never be bored again. Or sane. Guaranteed.