Scenario A: Mary is a middle age woman, and a mentor to young folks involved in the theater. She has been acting in plays with folks that are older than she, and more recently, with many younger folks. You are Mary's best friend. You happen to walk up behind someone who is talking about Mary in an unkind manner. This person has influence over some of the people with whom Mary has been acting, and you feel as if there could be repercussions if you address this person for saying what you heard them say. You don't acknowledge to that person that you heard them say some very unkind things about Mary. But they're really ugly, hurtful things, and you are shocked that this person has this view of Mary, who you love like a sister. Do you tell Mary? If Mary finds out and you didn't tell her, does Mary have the right to be upset if she finds out you knew and didn't say anything to her?
Scenario B: Karlie is one of your besties. Ralph is her husband. Ralph is a dog. You've always known Ralph is a dog but Karlie loves him to pieces. Ralph has been caught with his pants down before and has always managed to weasel his way out of it and not get in trouble. But now you know, first hand, that Ralph is steppin' out on Karlie. You know that Karlie will be heartbroken, and if you say something to Karlie, it very well may send her over the edge. (Karlie has lots of emotional baggage, like Samsonite sized baggage). Do you tell Karlie what a pig her husband is? Do you keep it to yourself? How long do you think you could keep this secret?
Hard hitting questions for today, Snarklings. But I want answers. I'd like to know what you folks think. If you're Mary or Karlie, and you find out that your bestest bud knows things that could very well be hurtful yet chose not to mention, do you get upset? Angry? Are you the forgiving type, who is of the mindset that if you didn't tell them, you must've had a good reason? Or do you lose your shit and feel betrayed that they knew this whole time and didn't say something sooner?
It's time for you all to weigh in!
There's something about Mary, and Ralph needs a belt...like with a quickness.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say that hands down, honesty is the way to go but you have to be willing to watch the friendship dissolve no matter what you choose to do. It's going to depend on the type of people Mary & Karlie are. Are they shoot the messenger-ostrich people or are they people that value honesty in their friendships? I've told friends the truth before and have watched the friendships die while the asshat that should have gotten the boot got to stay. Personally, I'm not sure I could forgive someone who claimed to be my friend and didn't tell me but there are other people that like their bubbles too much to be bothered by reality. You just have to know your friends and hope you make the right choice.
ReplyDeleteI would tell them both what's up. I feel that honesty is something my friends expect from me, and I of them. I would be heartbroken if a close friend didn't tell me what they knew even if knowing was inevitably going to be painful.
ReplyDeleteI would gently tell them both ... because I would want the same. It would be uncomfortable, but I would want to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a long answer but as soon as I hit submit, my internet dropped and I lost it all.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely tell Mary, especially since she is my best friend. As to whether or not I would say something to the jerk talking about her, that depends on what he was saying. If he was lying about Mary, I would stop him right there and embarrass him in front of the person he was talking to. If he was being hateful, it would be better for Mary to know and have the upper hand.
Karlie has a lot of baggage. Does she have the type of baggage where she doesn't feel confident enough to live without Ralph? Is she strong enough to leave him? That scenario really depends on what her baggage is. If there were a few friends who knew about Ralph, a group going to Karlie might be a better idea.
I'd be pissed if my best friend knew this shit (either pile) and didn't tell me. So I would likely (in my most tactful way possible) explain to the offending party (the crappy friend or the cheating scumbag) that, if they have issues, they need to take it up with my best friend--not with a third party. I'd give them a few weeks, and then I'd go check in with my best friend to see if she has heard from her friend/husband that there have been some issues ('cuz I have). I hope that made sense. It made perfect sense to me, but it's Thursday night (and I'm drinking wine).
ReplyDeleteDamned if you do and damned if you don't.
ReplyDeleteIf you open your mouth and get involved in these people's personal shit you run the risk of major drama with you caught in it. If you don't say anything you'll feel like crap and they might be mad you did not speak up. Honestly, I would maybe tell your close friend about her dog of a husband, but stay away from that other situation as it's not your place to say anything.
Like sands through the hourglass....
Too many unknowns...WHAT was being said about Mary? Are you damn sure you heard right? Because if it was someone saying Mary's about to get the axe on a part she LOVES, that's one thing. If it's someone saying Mary's acting skills are lacking, that's their opinion, and you know what they say about those. ;) What someone thinks of me is not my business, but if they're spreading lies or knowing something that affects me and I will find out eventually, it's nice to know in advance.
ReplyDeleteAs for Ralph, you probably will only crush her. If you know for a fact that you saw jerk man with another, take a pic on your phone, and ask her where he was supposed to be. Nothing more embarrassing than telling Karlie that Ralph's stepping out, and it was his cousin in town for a visit. I mean, I doubt he'd be pawing on her, but ya know.
Neither is going to like what you are privy to, but if it was just stupid gossip, I'd be fine with my friend not telling. I am the blunt kind, and expect the same, but if you want to spare me gossip, I'm GREAT with that. :) I could forgive a friend for the Ralph scenario - unless it was untrue. Then I'd be pissed that I had unnecessary drama.
There is really not pat answer to these--it all depends on the personality type of the "victim." Some people WANT to know if their spouse cheated---others prefer to live in denial. If you tell them the bad news, they may just dump you as a friend.
ReplyDeleteOk I have been Karlie before. My exhusband was stepping out on me and all my closest friends knew but didnt tell me for fear of hurting me. I sincerely wished they would have told me rather than let me walk around happy as hell and looking like a fool.
ReplyDeleteI have also been the bestie that knew a friends husband was a dog and I told her bc ive been karlie. She got mad at me and we didnt talk for a while. She finally realized I was right and we are back to besties like nothing ever happened. Its very tricky and you have to handle it VERY carefully. I too had emotional baggage because it wasnt the first time he stepped out. GOOD LUCK!
Being a good friend doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with retaining a friendship. You can be a good friend to someone you intensely dislike, lending “that” bitch a tampon, because it’s the right thing to do – even knowing you will never BE friends. I know I tend to be incredibly idealistic, but I operate from a sense of altruism. I have lost friends by being blunt, and I have ditched friends who weren’t honest when I needed them to be. In the first situation, I reported child abuse that I witnessed happening to my friend by her father; she called me a traitor and never spoke to me again, and while it did hurt, I can sleep at night knowing I did the right thing. In the second case, everyone I worked with knew one of my exes was cheating on me, but only one woman – who wasn’t even really that close with me – was brave enough to tell me. In both cases, shooting the messenger is pointless and stupid. Being a good friend means recognizing that fact and doing it anyway. My friends know I will always be honest with them, even if it hurts; likewise, I know I can trust my friends to get my back. In the first scenario you offer, a job can be replaced, so telling Mary is important because who needs that kind of negativity – even if it’s unknown to the victim of such? In the second scenario, keeping her douche-husband’s secret isn’t going to help her NOT be messed up, since she already is. In both cases, TELL. Doing what’s right isn’t always easy… but it’s always RIGHT.
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