Buying One Direction

File this one under: HOLY CRAP, REALLY???

I'm scouring the Twitterverse for stuff regarding One Direction's horrible, terrible, really bad news yesterday that Zayn Malik has left the band. I'll give you all a moment to recover. Get yourself a Kleenex and clean the ugly cry off your face.

And I found this.
 

For those of you who don't care to click the link, let me make it simple for you. One Direction fans want to buy the band's contract from their management (who apparently, Directioners HATE).  So far as of the writing of this great piece of literature, $602 has been raised to buy the boys out of their contract. The goal of this GoFundMe campaign? $877.7 million. Go ahead, take another moment. I'll wait.

I love teenage girls. I truly do. They can do anything they put their teenaged minds to. However, if I find out my kids have donated to buy One Direction out of their contract, I will flip my shit.

If you don't have a teenage daughter and really have no clue what's happening, here's the Snarknotes version (like Cliff's Notes without Cliff):  Apparently Zayn wanted some downtime and his horrible bosses at the management company were all like: "No you'll tour, you'll spend months away from your loved ones, you'll make us gadjillions of dollars and you will like it!! MWAHAHAHAHA"

And Zayn was like, "Screw you, dudes, I wanna take a nap in my own bed" so he flew back to the UK and took an unauthorized nap. Next thing you know, the management company was all "You broke the rules,  you're kicked out. You're not in the club anymore!" And then Zayn was all like: "Ok" because Zayn really likes napping in his own bed.

Then the world exploded.

I think it's awesome that the fans hate the band's management and wanna stick it to the man. I really admire their tenacity. And believe me, I honestly DO believe these kids may have a chance at reaching their goal. But then what? Let's say they reach $877.7 million. Will the management company really sell the contract? No. They won't.

But then there will be $877.7 million sitting in this GoFundMe account. So I'm going to come up with some ideas that they can use that money for:

1. Get Harry a haircut
2. Pay off my credit card bills and still have a few dollars to spare
3. Feed the poor and hungry
4. House the homeless
5. Buy my kid a car that does more than serve as a paperweight
6. Spay and neuter all the puppies and kitties in the world
7. Give it all to ME so I can move to Utah and marry Mike Rowe legally while still being married to my own husband.

Wait, that's not how polygamy works? DAMMIT!

Nevermind, this whole thing is silly.

I'm sorry that Zayn has left the band, no matter what the circumstances are, I do totally understand. Back when I was a teenager (when I rode my stegosaurus to school) and Duran Duran was the big band of the moment, their drummer Roger Taylor left the band to pursue peace and quiet (he went on to become a sheep farmer, out of the spotlight, much like Zayn wants to). I hope Zayn's not allergic to sheep.

I digress. Anyway, Roger Taylor left the band soon after their performance at Live Aid. John Taylor and Andy Taylor (NO THEY ARE NOT ALL RELATED) moved over to become Power Station with Robert Palmer (and some other guy whose name escapes me at the moment). It wasn't until 2005 that the whole band reunited. This little bit of information did NOT make my daughters feel any better last night when I explained it to them. "We have to wait 20 years for them to get back together???"

Anyway, if you have an extra $5 and want to be in band management, click the link up there. I think everyone who donates should get a private One Direction concert in their backyards. How cool would THAT be?