Our marching band had the honor of marching in the annual Cherry Blossom parade in Washington DC on Saturday, and I had the privilege of chaperoning this huge band along with my friends Susan, Lisa and Lisa's husband Dave. Because we had to be at the school at 5:00 a.m. and I knew we'd be on the school buses until 8:00 at the earliest, I skipped coffee in favor of NOT holding my bladder for close to 3 hours. As you can imagine, by the time we got to DC, I was not the little slice of sunshine you guys know me to be.
I needed coffee and I needed it immediately. Since I have an old iPhone and the little hamster that runs my internet wheel is about a thousand years old, I could not bring up any kind of app that takes me to coffee. Therefore, I had to rely on my so-called friends to help me.
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| Is this too much to ask for? |
Susan, a woman of high morals and values, poo-poo'ed the idea of Starbucks (Monsanto, GMO's) so she was determined to find me someplace that didn't kick baby puppies, like Dunkin Donuts. But she couldn't find a Dunkin on her phone thing. Please keep in mind, she DOES have a phone thing that tells her where the coffee is. Lisa was really not much help, basically laughing at how cranky I become when I have zero drops of caffeine in my body. Ha. What a riot.
We started walking down 7th Avenue and we came upon a lovely US Parks Police Officer sitting in his car with his window rolled down. Susan stopped and asked him if he could tell us where there was a place where we could get coffee, and I mentioned Dunkin Donuts since Susan abhorred the idea of Starbucks. At this point, I'd have taken a cup of coffee freshly brewed by Adolf Hitler, but whatever.
The officer DID mention something about how not all cops go to Dunkin Donuts and started to try to think out loud about where there was a coffee shop. I looked DIRECTLY at Susan and whine/yelled "Don't you have a phone where you can look this crap up??" but unfortunately, since I was wearing sunglasses and Susan was standing right next to the cop's window, the cop MAY have thought I was yelling at HIM because he couldn't see my eyes. And naturally Susan jumped all over it and told me that I didn't have to yell at the nice police officer, he was trying to be nice and help. And the cop wasted NO TIME in fumbling around the car and finding his phone to look up where he could find coffee for this obviously unstable woman screaming in the direction of his window. I swear to God I was not yelling at the cop, I was whining at Susan because she has better technology than I do and because I was really, really hangry for coffee.
The nice officer told us there was probably a Dunkin just south of D Street, and I apologized for not yelling at him but in his direction, and we thanked him for his help and practically ran to D Street. (ok I did, they were too busy busting my balls about yelling at a cop). I suspect he MAY have just told us there was a Dunkin there to get us the hell away from him. Who knows?
We walk just south of D Street and guess what. NO DUNKIN. So Lisa breaks out HER phone and I hear her say "Hey Siri? Where is there a coffee shop?" and I turned to her and screamed "YOU'VE HAD SIRI ALL THIS TIME AND MADE ME YELL AT A COP???"
It was at that point that Lisa and Susan both peed themselves.
As we started our trek back, we spotted two women holding Starbucks cups and we descended upon them, jacked them up against the wall like we were Crockett, Tubbs and their cranky caffeine-deprived side-kick, and interrogated them about where they got their stuff. "L'Enfant Plaza! There's a Starbuck there, I swear, that's all I know!!"
We wasted no time running to L'Enfant Plaza, found the Starbucks and despite Susan's mores and high values, I drank that coffee as if it was manna from heaven.
Walking back to where we had left the band, we passed the nice officer who pointed us in the direction of coffee. His windows were all rolled up, no doubt an attempt to avoid the crazy coffee bitch who yelled at him earlier. I raised my cup and thanked him as we walked by his windshield and he smiled and waved and probably prayed we'd just keep walking.
Here's where I almost got thrown in the slammer:
After I finished my cup of joy, naturally I had to pee. I left my 'friends' and headed to the portapotties, took care of business and walked back to where I had left them. We were there for a few minutes when all of a sudden, a Capitol Police Officer came up on us on his bike. He broke into our conversation and said: "Excuse me folks, we have a report of a woman who needs a phone, You fit the description, ma'am. One of our Police Officers said that there was someone in this group who needed a phone." He reached into his pocket (NEXT TO HIS GUN) and pulled out a cell phone. "We've been told you need a phone to find coffee, is this true?" I just looked at him with my mouth gaping open and when he smiled, I nearly peed again. Turns out Lisa's husband Dave is friends with this particular Capitol Police Officer, and while I was peeing (the first time) she and Dave talked to him, told him the story about how I (DIDN'T) yelled at the officer about coffee, and he said "Oh I have to get in on this. Where is she, I'll go give her a heart attack." Or something like that.
He then smiled and said "Hi, my name is Mike, I'm a friend of Dave's". Everyone was laughing, I was peeing but finally relaxed enough to smile and laugh. I shook his hand and said "Mike you've just lifted my mood, I very badly needed that laugh so thank you!"
And thanks for not arresting me.
Yeah, those are my friends.
