How I spent my 2014...

As we near the end of another year, it's time to look back on the stupid shit I did this year and vow to NOT do it again in the New Year. Like good news, bad news. Good news: I lost 30 pounds!! Bad news: I gained almost 18 of those lost pounds back. Dumbass.

But it wasn't all about weight. I did some good stuff that DIDN'T involved a scale. I went to my very first blogging conference and met THE most AMAZING folks! I got stuck in a dress at Goodwill preparing for that conference. I got my picture taken with Mike Cruse from Papa Does Preach and we looked like the crazy couple on an insane wedding cake.

Mr. & Mrs. Tacky McTackerson

I broke the 5000 mark for Facebook fans which is really cool, but only about 12 of them actually SEE my updates, which totally sucks. I'm thinking of just circumventing FB's lousy algorithms and just make a Snarky group. What do you think? Oh and one more cool thing, I've only had to ban ONE FB freak for posting about cheap sunglasses (which is a rocking ZZ Top song but not something my FB friends need to be seeing). Yay me!!

In 2014 I vowed to read a bunch of books. And failed miserably. I suck. I used to read like a beast. And then I had these kids and they wanted to go places and do things, and my books were all like, "Bitch, what about us?" and I was like "I'm sorry books, but they need me" and the books were all "So? We need you too and we were here first" and my kids were like "Mom why are you talking to your books when we're waiting to go to basketball practice." So the kids won this round and I stopped paying attention to my books. Sorry books. Maybe next year? You guys just sit there on the shelves collecting dust that I probably won't clean and I'll get to you. I promise.

I actually made a small amount of money this year with my writing! YAY!!! Money rocks!!! And I got a little more exposure with posts featured on Mamalode, In The Powder Room and Huffington Post. I'm not setting the world on fire but it's cool to see my stuff on other places besides this little page here.

I successfully made it through another year without selling my kids to gypsies, which I consider a victory. If they still are alive and I can use them as tax write-offs every December 31, I pat myself on the back and drink another glass of Malbec. Monday I came pretty close to leaving 17 in the airport forever. We went through separate security lines and they found a bottle of her favorite Bath and Body Works lotion in her carry-on. I made the horrific mistake of forgetting to tell her she couldn't carry-on liquids, so they confiscated her lotion and the TSA agent is probably now smelling like my daughter. Since we were in separate lines, 17 called me and said "You never told me I couldn't bring it on and they took it and it's discontinued and I'll never be able to replace it, so thanks." and I was all like: "CLICK"

She called me back 3 times. I hung up on her all 3 times until the 4th time when she apologized. After her flight took off, I went online and bought her 6 bottles. No shit. It may be discontinued but....internet. She may smell like a French whore bathing in donkey shit, but I found 6 bottles of it.

Oh, and there was one other really cool thing that happened in 2014 that you may or may not have heard about.

I MET MIKE ROWE!!!!

We're using this as our Christmas card next year. What do you think?

I actually did. I got to interview him when he was at the STEM conference in Washington DC and it was AWESOME!!! You can see all 7 parts of the interview here, and you can learn his stripper name, and why he'll never Dance with the Stars. He was truly fantastic and meeting him was one of the UBERHIGHLIGHTS of my year. Uberhighlight isn't a word but I don't care. It was awesome.

So there you have it, my year in review. It was a pretty amazing year and I look forward to what 2015 has in store for us all.

Happy New Year, Snarklings and thanks for joining me on this ride!! See you next year!!

Elf on the awww HELL no!!! And other holiday musings...

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.

I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the 10-Second Tidy. I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, 7 lbs of powdered sugar, 7 lbs of brown sugar and 2 lbs of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damned with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me, you douchey prick" card?

Oh don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have 15 bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched. 

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Bah humbug. 

So you're saying it's illegal to throw someone from a plane?

Holy crap this story cracked me up. What a spoiled bitch! First it was just that she threw a fit because her macadamia nuts weren't served to her on a plate. THEN she reportedly made the flight attendant bow before her and then she made the flight crew turn the plane back to the terminal so they could kick that 'nut-in-a-bag-serving flight attendant' off the plane. What the holy freaking HELL???

To quote (sort of) Samuel L. Jackson:

"I want these MUTHERF**KIN' NUTS on a MUTHERF**KIN' PLATE!!"

Or the guy who auditioned for American Idol a few years back:

"Nuts on a plate
Nuts on a plate
Lookin' like a fool
Over nuts on a plate"

Seriously, tell me again why they didn't just take off and then kick HER entitled ass off the plane in mid-air?

Oh, that's illegal?

Damn.

Who won the #myCharge Red Razor????

Drumroll please........

Theresa L. 


You are the lucky winner!!! Contact me so that I can get your information and get that red Razor Charger sent right out to you!

Thanks to everyone who participated!!

Moving on...

Moving on. Letting go. We all have to do it eventually. And I'm over on Mamalode today talking about how we're gearing up for moving on here at Casa Snarkfest. Go have a look at my post Moving On.

FREE STUFF! No kidding, this portable charger IS FREE!

Hey Snarklings, remember back when I was doing that myCharge giveaway? Well in return for my participation in that giveaway, they sent me my own myCharge Energy Shot portable charger. I'm telling you, I freaking LOVE this thing. Seriously, if I'm sitting in a basketball game and need to text my hubby the score and my phone shits the bed, it sucks. But the Energy Shot really is great and you know I wouldn't lie to you, I really love it. And now myCharge is GIVING THEM AWAY!! Not kidding. NO hoops to jump through, nothing to sign up for. It's freaking FREE!

With their #myChargeCheer campaign, all you need to do is go over to the Twitter and retweet THIS one little tweet and BOOM, you get a free portable charger. It's almost too easy. You can find them there at @myChargePower on the Twitter. So go get your FREE portable charger!!! Who doesn't like free? WEIRDOS, that's who.

Now, if you're REALLY into free stuff, here's your chance to WIN a FREE Red RAZOR PLUS!!   This could be YOURS if you win!! The Razor Plus is a rechargeable battery that delivers an additional 13 hours of talk time for your smartphone.

I could be YOURS for FREE if you WIN!!!

This is the easiest contest ever in the entire world. All you need to do is subscribe to Snarkfest and leave me a blog comment below telling me that you subscribed and tell me what you want Santa to bring you for Christmas. How easy is that?? If you're already subscribed, tell me that too! If you'd like, you can also follow me on my social channels which you can find on the right side of the page under "Follow Me". Not mandatory, but you can also follow myCharge on THEIR social channels (@myChargePower on the Twitter, @myCharge on the Instagram, or HERE on the Book of Faces.) THIS FRIDAY, Dec. 12 at noon EST I will draw ONE lucky winner from all the comments left below, so get to commenting!!

So what are you waiting for!! Go RETWEET THIS for a no questions asked, totally FREE portable charger with their #myChargeCheer campaign!! And if you want something else for free, enter this contest!!! Of course, if you just want to BUY something, myCharge is offering 25% off all chargers if you use the code: JOLLY.

GO!! CHARGE!! WIN!!!

Hey one last thing, sorry to you non-US folks but this contest is ONLY for US residents.

And while I was compensated for this post, I'm not kidding, I LOVE my portable charger so my opinions are my own and they rock.

Cyber Monday (aka Blue Monday)

I'll admit it: my shopping is just about finished. The kids are getting one thing this year which has already been bought and paid for. My Mom's gift? Check. Brother's gift? Check. Inlaws? Check. Husband? That's about the only thing left to get. But if YOU haven't finished (started) your shopping yet, here's a headstart!!! Use this link right here to shop on Amazon.com for some fantastic Cyber Monday deals (and earn just a few cents for your favorite Snarkmeister).  Or you can just click on the little Amazon logo just to the right of this post. Easy peasy.

Now for the Blue part of Blue Monday. The holidays usually always give me the blues. I hate being close to 200 miles away from my Mom and my Brother and all my friends. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live and I LOVE the friends I have here. It's just that I was 'back at home' visiting this past weekend and got to spend time with my besties, my Mom and my Brother, and then spent 5 hours on a 4 hour ride home (horrible accident on I-95). And now that I'm home, I miss my family even more. It's always hard leaving my Mom. Every time. She suffers from COPD and now relies on oxygen 24/7. It's hard enough to watch your parents growing older, but to watch their health failing and knowing that you are 4 hours away from them on a GOOD day (no I-95 accidents) is just heart-wrenching. I used to be able to zip over to her apartment on a moment's notice and take her to a doctor's appointment, or to the hair dresser or food shopping. Now she must rely on others for something that was once my job. In a way, I guess I feel like I'm failing her, but I know in my heart that that's not the case. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own and a job I love.... it just happens to be in a town almost 200 miles away from where she is.

I wrote about these very same blues last year, and I know that I will snap out of it, I always do. But it's the same thing every year. I don't have the 4th of July Blues or the Labor Day Blues. But always with the Christmas Holiday Blues. I got some great suggestions last year that really did help me out. So tell me, do you suffer from the holiday blues? What do you do to get yourself out of the funk? Tell me here, or read last year's post and the suggestions I received then. Do they help?

Those crazy Smith kids!!

Seriously, if I didn't know any better, I'd think this was a fake interview, satire, a spoof. But sadly, it's not. These kids really ARE from another planet way far away from West Philly. 

Thanks to RachRiot for hooking me up with this New York Times article, I now have the pleasure of tearing it apart for your reading enjoyment. Because that's what I do.

Willow, 14 and Jaden, 16, famous kids of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were interviewed by Su Wu. (I swear I am not making that up) and what they have to say will have you scratching your head. If you're not left scratching YOUR head, can you come and scratch mine?

Su Wu: I'm curious about your experience of time. Do you feel like life is moving really quickly?

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that's how I know it doesn't exist.

ME: What??? Slow down, Holmes, what the hell is up with that? Did Hermione give you that time shifting necklace or something?

JADEN: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

WILLOW: Because living.  (whoa, deep dude)

JADEN: Right, because you have to live. There’s a theoretical physicist inside all of our minds, and you can talk and talk, but it’s living.

ME: Really? There's a theoretical physicist inside all of our minds??? Why am I just now hearing about this? I'm not getting paid enough if this is true!!

 SW: What are some of the themes that recur in your work?

W: the feeling of being like, this is a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made. 

ME: Say what, now? Holographic reality? What is this, Star Trek? She's asking if boys, or dancing or drugs or ponies are a recurring theme, Einstein. 

SW: How have you gotten better?

J: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness.

ME: What's the opposite of an apple? And if thinking about an apple AND the OPPOSITE of an apple is a tool for mathematics, why isn't it being taught in school? We could make a fortune with the common core shit with this tool! (and by 'tool' I'm talking about Jaden Smith)

SW: do your collaborative relationships inspire you in different directions? 

W: Me and Jaden just figured out that our voices sound like chocolate together. As good as chocolate tastes, it sounds that good.

ME:  Ah, chocolate. Now we're talking. Maybe not about your music but I am hungry for a Hershey bar. 

SW:  So is the hardest education the unlearning of things?

 J: Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends. It’s not true, it’s not real. Our learning will never end. The school that we go to every single morning, we will continue to go to.

W: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed.

J: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.  

W: They never want to do anything, they’re so tired.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a teenagery kid! So much with the angsty with those teenagery teens in normal school!!

I can't read anymore because I need to go lie down from the deepness of this whole article. Uncle Phil is now rolling over in his grave.  

$100 Target Gift Card from Hyundai? That's #Smarter!

That's right, Hyundai's #Smarter Campaign is in full swing and they are offering a prize of a $100 Target Gift Card to one lucky winner who watches a video in the Rafflecopter form below and leaves a comment ON THE YOUTUBE VIDEO (not here on the old Snarkfest page). Hyundai wants to know what you think of their Hyundai Smarter Campaign, so watch a video on YouTube and leave a comment THERE (not here) then come back and fill out the entry form below!!

So to recap, watch the video, leave a comment there, then come back HERE and fill this out. What have you got to lose?? a Rafflecopter giveaway Yep, this is a sponsored post but all opinions are my own.

OMG! I'm In The Powder Room!!!!

No, not literally IN the actual room but today I'm poppin' my cherry and appearing for the very first time In The Powder Room with my post on losing my virginity and how my 13 year old (at the time) called me out on the carpet about it!! Check it out here! I am so excited to be In The Powder Room!

A&E's new show DOGS OF WAR....A sneak peek!

Hubs and I were watching something on the tube last weekend and we saw a preview for a new show on A&E called DOGS OF WAR and I turned to him and said "That looks like something I'd really want to watch!" He shook his head and went back to watching whatever show we had on. That's sort of his way of saying "Yes, Dear." Whatever. Flash forward to later in the week, I received an email asking if I wanted to watch the premiere episode before it airs tomorrow, Veteran's Day (Tuesday, 11/11 at 10:00 p.m. EST on A&E). YES!!! YES I DID!!

They just asked if I would please give it a fair review, which I'm about to do. If you'd like to see a preview of the new show, DOGS OF WAR, watch it here. Then scroll down for my review.

My family all got together on Saturday evening and watched the premiere episode and 3/4 of us enjoyed it. You can guess which 1/4 of us thought it was 'okay, but I'm not sure how they're going to make a series out of it.'

The show features Iraq war veteran Jim Stanek who has returned home from the war suffering from PTSD. He has heard that therapy dogs are extremely helpful to veterans in his situation, but what he didn't realize was the cost (anywhere from $10-$60K) and the amount of time it takes to be paired with a therapy dog. He starts his own non-profit organization called Paws and Stripes, in which he rescues dogs from kill-shelters, and pairs them up with veterans in the same situation that he was in when he came home from the war.

The first episode tells the story of Army PFC Michael Spillar. Michael suffers not only from PTSD but a laundry list of physical ailments and psychological issues such as sleepwalking, tremors, anger issues and night terrors. Upon their first meeting, Jim and Michael bond over finding out that they were both in the 82nd Airborne Division. Jim knows how badly Michael needs the assistance of a therapy dog and makes it his mission to pair him up with just the right one.

The cameras follow Michael and his family as they take a trip into their little town and every sound he hears and every experience that Michael goes through is jaw-clenchingly hard for him. He says at one point "I'd rather have my leg just blown off, to show that something's wrong with me." PTSD isn't something that you can see like a rash or a cut.

Jim goes to the dog park at the Humane Society to watch the trainers at work with several dogs, hoping that one of them will be a perfect fit for Michael. It is at this point that I realize that I'm so much happier watching a show where someone truly cares about rescuing a dog from a shelter AND helping a vet see his way clear with the use of a therapy dog. I'd rather watch something like this, with a positive outcome for everyone involved than to watch people stranded on an island plotting against one another for a million dollar prize.

I won't give away what happens or whether or not Jim finds a good matching therapy dog for Michael, you'll have to tune in and see for yourself. But I will tell you this: I really enjoyed watching this premiere episode and will be tuning in again when the show moves to Sunday nights at 10:00 p.m. EST on A&E starting next Sunday 11/16.



*Disclaimer: I was not paid for this post, but they are sending me some cool DOGS OF WAR bandanas for my dogs. Both dogs are happy about the free swag, but that in no way influenced my review.

Wanna Win a $100 Target Gift Card?

You guys know me. You know I'm smart and savvy. And snarky. You also know that I've got 2 daughters who plan on going to college and mama's got bills to pay. So when I was approached by Hyundai to share their Smarter Decision Campaign I was all like, "yeah. I'm in."  Cuz I'm smart and savvy. And snarky. But you knew that.

Anyway, Hyundai reached out to a number of smart, savvy ladies (like me!) to talk about the smarter decisions they make in their everyday lives. They asked them to create a video to coincide with this fall's 2015 Hyundai Sonata launch. See below for this video full of some smarter options for when you're traveling. And because they're pretty fricking awesome, they're also giving you a chance to win a $100 Target Gift Card. Easy peasy, right?

So check out this video, and then enter the Rafflecopter giveaway below the video. And have yourselves a Snarkalicious day, okay?




Here's the Rafflecopter so you can enter to win that $100 Target Gift Card just in time to do your holiday shopping. BONUS!

a Rafflecopter giveaway


**Just so you know, this was a sponsored post. All opinions are my own.  

Guesting over at Ten to Twenty Parenting

Remember that Homecoming dress nightmare from a few years back? That story is up on Ten to Twenty Parenting! Please go over and read the story and feel free to leave a comment. It may just be new to you!

Tuesday Tirade: Teen Edition

Hey Snarklings, today's tirade isn't a me-related tirade so much as it is a Teen Tirade. Let me set the scene:

We were at FedEx Field on Saturday night for the Notre Dame vs Navy football game. My Father-in-Law graduated from Notre Dame in 1814 and has access to seats at Notre Dame games, and he had purchased 4 tickets that he was unable to use. Don't ask.

So naturally, since there are 4 of us and 4 tickets and we are just over an hour away from FedEx Field, it only made sense that we use the tickets.

Somehow or other, we landed in the parking lot closest to the stadium, literally a 100 step walk to the stadium steps. Did I mention there was no one to take our money? Yeah, we parked for free in the Platinum lot, the FRONT ROW, to quote Bob Euchre. And our seats were PHE-NOMINAL. Seriously, row 13 right behind the end zone.

Perfect, right? Except for the fact that it was FUH-REEZING and the wind was wicked. Luckily we all dressed in layers upon layers with hats, gloves and blankets.

Right after halftime, both my girls wanted hot chocolate (marching band is in their blood, because the band goes immediately to the concession stand after their halftime performance). We handed them a $20 bill and sent them on their way. 30 minutes later, they still hadn't returned. Considering the fact that they are teenage girls with teenage hormones in a stadium of like, 40,000 Navy Midshipmen, I wasn't surprised. They were off enjoying the sights.

Pardon the pun, but it was a sea of Midshipmen

They got back about 40 minutes after they left, and they were pissed.

17: "We waited in 2 different lines!!! Once we got to the front, they were all like, 'oh sorry, you must've missed the announcement, we're all out of hot chocolate.' It was ridiculous!! So we ended up getting coffee instead. GRRRRRRRR."

These girls were cold and angry. But they got even angrier when not 30 seconds after they sat down, the hot chocolate guy came around with steaming cups of chocolate deliciousness. Hubby and I just looked at one another and cracked the hell up. They were SO. MAD.

Have an awesome Tuesday folks.

Ebola! The thread is real!

Band Senior Night

YIKES! How did this happen?? It seems like only a moment ago, 17 was a fresh-faced freshman marching on to the football field with the rest of the marching band. And now, she's a senior, getting ready to march in her last high school halftime show. Tonight is senior night for the band. Husband, 15 and I will escort her onto the field as they pay tribute to the 42 senior class members of the marching band.

Holy crap. That time went by in the blink of an eye. An eye that will most definitely be tear-filled this evening.

She absolutely loves the band and everything associated with it. And while she won't be a music major in college, the memories that she takes with her from high school are going to be filled with band trips, band camp stories, Dairy Queen trips after performances, sleepovers after Friday night games and how unbelievably amazing the band director and assistant band director have been over these past 4 years.

I've still got another 3 years to go with this band while 15 is a member. I will hold on to every moment and try to make them last, because the first 4 years seriously flew by.

17, I love you. I'm proud of you for what you've done, all that you've accomplished, the brave and amazing young woman you've become. And tonight, I will walk proudly next to you on that football field as they call your name. And I will hug you and hold you and never let you go. Well, until it's time for me to go back into the concessions stand and time for you to march in one of the last high school halftime shows.

So enjoy your senior  night, enjoy the recognition and the time you spend this year with your band family. I couldn't ask for a better group of people. Your friends, their families, they are all a pleasure. I think I've enjoyed this time almost as much as you have.

Cranky and Snarky

I'm in a really grumpy mood. Like, REALLY cranky. Can't blame the monthly, that's over. The weather is overcast and cold, so that may be it. OR it could be the fact that when I was driving my girls to school today (shut up, that's a major part of it) I asked 17 if she had remembered to hand in the note I wrote excusing her for her absence this past Monday.

"No" she replied, "I couldn't find it in my bookbag. I think I left it on the counter at home."

That set me off. Not sure why, maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's pre-peri-pissy-menopause but I went off like a freaking Roman candle.

I was reminded of the time when my best friend's daughter Sally was home from school for several days with strep and forgot to hand in her excuse note. My bestie received a call from the truant officer saying that she could be taken to court. Then I was reminded that 17 is currently applying to colleges and I thought "Dear God she's never going to get into a good school if she's got an unexcused absence!!! She'll be living at home FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!!"

Ok, yes, maybe I'm being a little overly dramatic, but I don't care. Because there's a certain responsibility that she should have by now. And I said "How can I trust you to be responsible enough to drive a car with your sister to and from school if you can't be responsible for turning a note into the office??"

That's when 15 changed the radio station and I heard Iggy Azalea. "Who dat, who dat? Dat do dat, do dat?"

NO. Absolutely NOT.

I cannot STAND Iggy Azalea. I absolutely HATE listening to that shit. She sounds like she has absolutely NO grasp of the English language. So this was my reaction to 15's choice of songs:

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! NO MORE IGGY AZALEA! AND NO MORE NIKKI MINAJ EITHER! They both sound like ignorant assholes who can't speak English. I'm sick and tired of that shit on the radio, so if they come on, we're not listening to them anymore!!"

And there you have it. I'm officially old. I'm THAT mom. I may as well have added "You young whippersnappers!" to the end of that sentence.

Isn't this thing ugly? This is how I'm feeling today. Old and ugly.

I should've said "And another thing, you kids get off my lawn! And get me a new battery for my hearing aid! And bring me my Metamucil. And don't forget my Geritol!"

I should NOT be allowed around people today. People in general are just pissing me off. Starting with Iggy and Nikki and those pesky kids on my lawn. I should just take the rest of the day off, go home, put on my housecoat and my bedroom slippers and take a nap. Maybe I'll wake up feeling less cranky, refreshed and ready to be a human again.

Or maybe I'll wake up with an aching back in my Sansa-belt pants and my HABAND! blouse listening to Glen Miller on my K-Tell album playing on my record player.

I'm old, folks. Old and cranky. Say something to make me happy, cheer me up. Or get the hell off my lawn.

Look at me! Enabling YOU!

Don't you just HATE when someone wants to sell you something?? I don't know about you, but I don't have a whole lotta cash just lying around the house. My junk drawer is NOT overflowing with spare change. So I feel your pain when someone says "Hey wanna buy some .... (fill in your own blank here)".

But I will say this: If you DO have extra cash and you DO want to buy something, would you consider making your purchase using the links on my page? I'm not trying to SELL you anything, honest I'm not. What I AM asking is that if you DO plan on making a purchase, say, on Amazon.com, that you use the Amazon.com link on the old Snarkfest blog page.

Or how about this? If you're looking to book some travel, I've added the Booking.com link to my page. And if you're looking for a $20 funny tee-shirt, how about using the Busted Tees link? And for those of you who love M&M's you can get them personalized AND buy them from the link at the bottom of this blog post.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I need to make money. 2 band kids, both wanna go to Florida with the band over spring break. I've tried selling Dumbass on eBay but people demanded that if they buy her, I must pay THEM to take her off my hands. That's not happening.

Anybody wanna buy a cat? Drawer not included

So don't look at it like ME trying to SELL YOU something. Look at it as me providing the portal through which you, if you were so INCLINED to buy something, can make your purchase. I'm like the enabler. I'm here for you. Booking.com. Busted Tees. M&M's. Amazon.com. What more could you ask for? Go buy!!

In the immortal words of the old guys from the old Bartles and James commercials, "...and thank you for your support."

Profound sadness...

Putting the wit and the snark on hold for today, Snarklings. Yesterday we received some pretty devastating news about one of the members of our community. A child, one day after his 15th birthday, was struck and killed by a car while riding his bike on a twisty rural road. This boy had been a classmate of my own 15 since we moved here 8 years ago. The family lived in our neighborhood when we first moved here.

My own child celebrated her 15th birthday the day before he did. She told me through tears that they used to wish one another a happy birthday, since their birthdays were one day apart. Their last names both started with B, so they were locker neighbors. She recalled how they used to rush to their lockers between classes, and try to see who could open his/her locker first, and they jokingly push one another out of the way as they stood side by side racing to open those lockers.

She said he was a good kid. And she cried. We all are. No mother or father should have to deal with losing a child. But it was an accident, a very tragic accident. And it's just heart-breaking.

Remember all those times I bitched about my girls missing the bus? Remember all the suggestions that they be made to ride their bikes to school? THIS is why I never forced that issue. The roads here are not very bike-friendly.

A Go-Fund-Me account has been set up for the family to help with funeral expenses, and right now, I'm sure they could use all the good thoughts you could send their way.

This morning, my daughters made it to school. But one family in our town isn't so lucky. Our hearts break for them, and our thoughts and prayers go out to them. I have no more words...

Second Annual National Pee Alone Moms Night Out

So much to talk about these days. Ebola! OMG! The Fall TV Season! OMG! Elections! OMG!

My daughter is a senior in High School! BIGGEST OMG EVER! Just look at this gorgeous picture. Yes, I'm biased, shut up.

Holy crap she's gorgeous.

She's been looking at colleges and will be starting her final season as a varsity basketball player in just a few short weeks. Her sister, my baby, is in the middle of her freshman year and is just finishing up her jv season on the volleyball team. The hubby has just taken a job out of town and is spending more time with his aging parents, which is a blessing for them. So with all the running around and craziness we have going on, you can bet your sweet patootie that I need a Moms Night Out.

That's why I'm so excited to announce the Second Annual Pee Alone Moms Night Out! The contributors to the hilarious book (that I'm a part of) I Just Want to Pee Alone (now on sale at Amazon.com for $8.91!!) all teamed up last year on October 16 and held a National Pee Alone Moms Night Out, and it was such a rousing success that we're going to do it again this year. Only we're opening it up to ALL bloggers, hell ANYONE who wants to host this event may do so.

Moms deserve a night out and I'm no different, so my event will once again be held at Domestic in Shepherdstown. Meet me there at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday, November 12 and we'll have dinner, drinks, some laughs and some great fun! There will also be a raffle to benefit the Jefferson High School Cougar Marching Band. Gotta get those kids to Florida somehow!

Don't you love my attempts to edit last year's flyer in Paint? Not quitting my day job.

What d'ya say? Do you need a night out? More details will follow this post with locations all around the country, so stay tuned!

How can you be 15 already??

You were just a baby yesterday!! It's not possible that you are turning 15 today. Just not possible. Stop growing up, do you hear me?? You stop growing up right now!

T-ball, circa 2003

Hawaii 2005

Keller Williams Race for Kids Health 2013

Homecoming 8th grade, 2013

Blowing the horn onstage with her Uncle Terry, summer 2013

Kicking ass at volleyball, winter 2014

Happy Birthday, my amazing, incredible, sweet, funny, talented, generous and beautiful 15.

Sayreville High School football hazing.........

I heard about this story yesterday on the Today Show, then I read a Sports Illustrated article about this case and I'm just torn. Allegations against members of the Sayreville High School football team have caused the investigators and the school superintendent to cancel the remainder of their season. 5 games will go unplayed. No senior night. No Homecoming game.

The allegations aren't just about big guys sticking little guys in a locker or giving them atomic wedgies. The allegations are 'lewd'. I had to read this next sentence twice before I physically winced.

"Investigators are looking into whether upperclassmen on the Sayreville football team digitally penetrated underclassmen on the team."

Today, digitally means electronically. But before the iPhones, video games and Google, digital mean 'finger'. Gross. If the allegations are true, this is horrific.

Here's a quote from a female freshman: "Things have been blown out of proportion. We know the players, and hazing, to them, they didn't mean it in that way. It was more like being friends."

Sorry, female freshman who isn't on the football team, but I've got LOTS of friends, and not a single one of them has ever 'digitally penetrated' me. No, this is just wrong on so many levels.

BUT.....

As a band parent, this also leaves me torn. 5 games remaining in the season. Just like our football team. Our team has a better record than they've had in years, which naturally draws a bigger crowd to Friday night football games. Our concession stand is our main source of funding for a band of 172 kids. If our last few games were cancelled, we'd lose a tremendous amount of revenue for the band.

Why are they not just punishing those responsible for this awful issue? I understand that the investigation is ongoing, but in the meantime, everyone suffers.

What are YOUR thoughts on this subject? Are they being fair by cancelling the season because of the actions of a few? Or is it an appropriate action because they don't yet have all the facts? I would love to hear what you think. Because I'm still torn.

Six words.... a REALLY important piece for me....

Hey Snarklings. Today I have a piece up on Mamalode and it's a really hard truth for me. It's about letting 17 grow up and the struggle it's been for me. And the struggle it continues to be. Please read it and please share it. Comment, tell me if it affects you. It's called Six Words.....

Read it here....

A Letter To The General Public...

When I originally wrote this, it was posted on The Epistolarians, and I'm re-posting it here and dedicating it to my friend Lisa, who works in the customer service industry and was screamed at yesterday by a customer who spent more on clothes than Lisa makes in a day. This entitled bitch made my friend feel small and bullied and if I ever meet this bitch in person, I will punch her in the junk. 

Lisa, this is for you....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear fellow guests, shoppers, travelers, and customers in general,

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this to you. I mean, you don't even know me, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, and I just felt compelled to speak up. You see, your fight was delayed, but it wasn't that poor man's fault working the check-in counter at the gate. He had nothing to do with the flight being delayed. It's not like he went out and unscrewed some nuts and bolts or removed the airplane's left wing as a joke. So why are you yelling at him? He doesn't deserve to have you all up in his grill over something that is completely beyond his control.

Or how about you, degenerate gambler who brought his paycheck to the casino? Did the cashier who just broke your last $50 FORCE you to spend it all in that slot machine? Why do you feel the need to give her a mean and nasty attitude? Why did you spend all your money? Just because YOU had a bad day, that doesn't mean you have to make everyone around you just as miserable.

I was at the social security office the other day, applying for a replacement card for my oldest. And as they called each person in the queue up to be waited on, I continued to hear complaint after complaint. "Why didn't anyone tell us this??" "We didn't know we had to fill out THAT paperwork." And no amount of sweetness or kindness from the customer service rep would appease these unhappy folks. So I made a point, when it was our turn, to try to be as nice and genuinely kind as I possibly could. I figured, I wasn't going in to solve a problem, I just needed a new card. And the woman who waited on us probably needed a smiling face to deal with, for a change. I also made it a point to explain this to 17 so that she, too, can see that it's always better to try to make someone's day better instead of worse. Why add to their stress?

People working in the customer service industry don't deserve to be treated like doormats. They're doing a job. Sometimes it's a thankless job, sometimes they have to deal with real assbags. And they usually have to smile and take all the crap that's being dished out to them. After all, 'the customer's always right.' Well I call bullshit. Let me fill you in on a little secret. When your grandmother said "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," she wasn't talking out the ass of her granny panties. She was telling the truth.

I worked in the customer service industry for many, many years in the casino biz. I worked around people who were at all-time highs, winning jackpots, and all-time lows, losing everything. I paid out winning Keno tickets to people who had to scrape together pennies to afford the $2 cost, and I watched millionaires lose thousands of dollars in slot machines, sometimes hundreds of thousands. It sometimes broke my heart to watch people, who I knew could not afford to be at the casino, continue to spend dollar after dollar, chasing a jackpot that would never come. And some of those people were absolutely beautiful on the inside AND on the outside. Always with a smile, win or lose. And I cringed as I watched people who could afford to light their cigars with $100 bills show nothing but disrespect to cocktail waitresses or dealers. Why?? Why can't people be nicer to folks who are just doing a job?

My point is this: The people who are waiting on you are NOT getting paid extra to take shit from you. A simple smile and a kind word go SO much farther than a bad attitude and a scowl. Are there customer service reps out there that aren't very nice? Sure there are, and they usually don't hold those jobs for very long. But for the ones who DO try to make your experience as quick and painless as possible, take a moment to smile. Take a second to say "thank you, I really appreciate that." You'd be absolutely amazed at how good not only you'll make that person feel, but yourself as well. You'll come away feeling a little better, and that's never a bad thing.

Warmly,
The Snarkmeister

It's the little things....

Small things can make a difference. At least I hope they can. Take this morning, for instance. 14 is participating in a bake sale to benefit her volleyball team this afternoon, and she baked brownies last night to contribute. I cut them and bagged them this morning. I put one in her lunch and one in 17's lunch and threw one into my lunch too.

YUMMY BROWNIES!!!!!!

And then I took it out and wrote "For Dad" on it. And left it on the counter for him.

That's gotta count for something, right? That should burn off calories right there.

And I walked to work this morning, so those calories I burned off by NOT eating that brownie for lunch should be doubly burned.

It made sense in my brain.

I'm running a 10K tomorrow. Down a big-ass hill, then back up. It's gonna be ugly but I'm going to get it done.

Did you ever have one of those days when your brain is all over the place? Can you tell I'm having one this morning?

My youngest daughter auditioned yesterday for the High School's Symphonic Band. She made it. As a freshman, she made it, just like her sister did as a freshman. I couldn't be more proud! And she's just over the moon about it. Way to go, 14! By the way, 14 turns 15 in just under 2 weeks. One of us is getting old.

Hubby is starting a new job next week, so I'm wishing him the best with that.

Common core math sucks donkey balls.

I apologize now for the most random blog I've ever posted, but now I'd like for you to return the favor. What little things do it for you? Tell me a random thing that makes you feel good about yourself!

Remember when I almost died in a Goodwill dressing room?

Read about how I nearly died!

Remember back before I went to the blogging conference and I got stuck in a dress and I thought I was gonna die? No? Well you can read about it here at the Huffington Post's Comedy page!

30. It's a magic number....

Why is 30 a magic number? Well, Snarklings, I'll tell you. That's just how many pounds I've lost in the past 4 months. Yep, 30 lbs. gone!  And while I still have many more to go to reach my goal, I want to stop and celebrate this accomplishment. Every little bit helps in the struggle to lose weight, and being just a little older with a metabolism that's comparable to a snail wading through a sea of molasses mixed with peanut butter and a side serving of wet cement, 30 lbs to me is worth celebrating.

In 2010, I was at my lightest weight since, like, ever, and I was fit enough to run the Marine Corps Marathon. I had lost over 60 lbs before I ran that race and I felt great. And then, I put it all back on. The struggle is real, you guys, and it totally sucks balls. But it's my struggle and I'm taking the responsibility, because no one forced me to stop going to the gym, and no one force fed me Boston Creme donuts and Five Guys burgers. That was all me.

So it's back on the roller coaster I go, as I try to gain control once again of my eating and exercise habits. I've used several tools that have been extremely helpful. One has been the MyFitnessPal website, and another has been the DietBet site. I'm not getting paid by either of these folks but I'm just telling you that they have been integral in my success this time around. I have found that logging every single thing that I put in my mouth truly helps me keep control of my eating. And it's free, and if it's free, it's for me. The DietBet thing has been pretty useful because I've actually MADE money over the past 4 months. And I like money. Matter of fact, I've got another DietBet starting up this coming weekend. If you're interested in joining my game, it's a $25 buy in and your goal is to lose 4% of your starting weight in 4 weeks. Check out my game by clicking here and join if you'd like.

Have YOU lost weight? What helped? What worked and what didn't? Tell me your story.

What's with all the daddy-bashing??

I had dinner the other night with some of the most amazing and funny bloggers on the planet right now, and one of the topics we discussed between our nachos and hummus and salmon was dad-bashing. We talked about Emma Watson's brilliant UN speech and Mike Cruise of Papa Does Preach mentioned an article from Aaron Gouveia from The Daddy Files about this topic. If you haven't seen either post, go now. I'll wait here. Just remember to come back.

We good? Good. Because I've got something add to this topic.

Stop it. It's old. It's way old, and it's not funny anymore. It's stupid.

I'm speaking only from my personal experience here, I don't know your situation, and frankly, I don't care to. I just know that my husband and many husbands like him are more than qualified to care for their own children. And the notion that dads are 'babysitting' their own children or 'playing mommy' while mom is not around, it's old school. Dads are mocked, questioned or lampooned daily if they show up at the playground or the doctor's office with their child/children. "Oh, mom must be shopping, you have mom duty, huh?" Stop with the stupid remarks!

It's amazing to me that my husband and I even HAVE a second child  because after 17 was born, we both worked, and we worked OPPOSITE shifts so that we didn't have to rely on someone else to raise our kids. That was our personal choice, and don't start writing the hate comments. Childcare is expensive, yo! And why would we both work and have someone else care for the kid when we could be banking that money for their education (or our own personal retirement, whatever)??

I worked until 5:00, he drove the kids in, met me at work, I took the kids home and he went into work at 5:30. We had overlapping days off so we did get to spend time together. And he was home with the kids all day. I never once felt like he was incapable of being a good dad. Yes, they went to the park. Yes, he'd take them on errands. Yes, he'd take them to doctor and dentist appointments and guess what! They LIVED!

I hate to see dads being mocked for doing what they do, being dads. It's ridiculous, and it's a stigma.  It worked for Danny Tanner, Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse on Full House, it worked for Paul Reiser and Greg Evigan on My Two Dads, and it worked at Casa Snarkfest. It works in real life. So stop the bashing of dads who are just being dads. No special occasion, just being a dad. Is that so wrong?

The Search for Happiness

Evening Snarklings! Late blog for me, but I wanted to share! Remember the post I did on being responsible for your own happiness? Well guess what! It's up on Huffington Post! Go check it out and please feel free to leave me a comment or share the post. Thanks!!!

My phone, the asshole...

Let me just start by telling you that my phone is an asshole. I'm not sugar coating it, the phone is an asshole. It's a monster, nearly indestructible. It's a Casio that sorta looks like a race car, with its own protective case. It's been dropped too many times to count, and KNOCK ON WOOD it has yet to break. But it's an asshole, nonetheless.

My phone, the asshole

Here's why: It restarts at the WORST. POSSIBLE. TIMES. Like seriously, life and death situations, it shits the bed. I was driving to a little Mexican place back in June. I had just picked up the adorable Kelly Fox from Foxy Wine Pocket, and along with my friend Mimzy from Showers in the Dark, we were heading to the Mexican place for a meetup with a bunch of other bloggers before we all headed to BlogU14. I had been instructed by the Waze GPS app on the monster Casio to make a right turn onto the tiniest street in the history of tiny streets. I went about 6 blocks on this tiny street and when I thought perhaps my Waze app had been smoking the crack pipe, I looked down at the phone, waiting to hear the next instruction. That's when I saw that my phone had restarted.

Are you fucking kidding me? Thank God I wasn't on a busy highway and possibly missed an exit. Eventually, the phone came back on, I brought up the Waze GPS app again and we were able to find the restaurant. "What awful luck!" I thought. Hope THAT shit never happens again.

Guess what.

I was driving to Arlington last night to meet up with some of my BlogU14 buddies for a mini-reunion, and fired up the Waze GPS app again on the old monster Casio. The longer I was on the road, the more I had to pee, until I thought I was going to end up peeing myself (should've worn my free sample of Depend, no lie). So I'm driving and driving and driving and the Waze app is telling me that I need to get off at the Shirlington Exit of I-395, and then make a right onto Campbell Ave. Easy enough. Except I did not see a sign for Campbell Ave. The sign said "Quincy Ave" NOT Campbell Ave. Not wanting to take my eyes off the road to check the map on the tiny GPS app I continued on, hoping that Campbell Ave was just around that next bend. I glanced quickly down Quincy Ave and saw the restaurant where we were scheduled to meet, but it was too late to turn. Apparently, that WAS Campbell Ave. It's just not MARKED Campbell Ave. I'll be calling the dumbasses responsible for that little faux pas.

At that point I had to pee like a freaking race horse, I've missed my turn and just up around that bend I mentioned was the entrance to get back on to I-395. The expletives that escaped from my mouth would make my mother wash my mouth out with soap.

The Waze app instructed me to get off at the next exit, which I did. I'm very good at following directions....when directions are actually being given. However, once I got off the exit, I heard nothing. Dead silence. I carefully looked quickly at the monster Casio for my next bit of direction, and it had, once again, restarted. I repeat, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" I am in Arlington. I have NOT ONE CLUE where I am, my bladder is full to overflowing, and my phone just shit the bed again.

Up ahead on the corner, I saw a BP station. Ah, sweet relief was now in sight. I figured I'd pull into the gas station, empty my screaming bladder while the monster Casio rebooted its damn self, and be back on the road in no time. Except when I got out of the car, I saw a sign on the front door of the gas station that said "Sorry, no public restrooms".

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

First those rat bastards have a blowout on their Deepwater Horizon rig, killing 11 people and basically killing the fishing and tourism industry for years in the Gulf of Mexico and NOW they don't have a public restroom when I need it most! Fuckers.

But, I digress.

I sat in the car until the monster Casio bitch rebooted and brought the GPS app back up and was instructed to make a right, then another right, and lo and behold, there was the garage of the place we were going to eat. As I carefully exited the car, I had to fight off two urges: one was the urge to pee myself, the other was the urge to go to the roof of the parking garage and throw the monster Casio off the roof to its death. But with my luck, I'd end up hitting an unsuspecting, innocent passerby on the street below.

To make a long story short (hahahahahahahahaha) I ended up being the first person there, which gave me plenty of time to pee and freshen up. I ended up having a really fun evening with Ashley from Big Top Family, Ashley from The Malleable Mom, Mike from Papa Does Preach, Jessica from Welcome to the Bundle and her lovely husband Shelby, who I'm convinced spent the evening playing footsie with Mike with their giant man feet.

A happy ending to a horrible GPS experience.