Merry Christmas and Snarky New Year, or how I came to hate telemarketers.

Merry Christmas Eve, Snarklings!

Thanks to all of you who commented on the Christmas Blues post, you guys have no idea how tremendously better you made me feel with all of your words. It's great to know that I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I'm happy to report that my baking is finished, shopping is done, my wrapping is wrapped up, (see what I did there?) my mood is lighter and my house is still a shit hole. Hopefully that will have changed by the time I get home from work today. 16 & 14 were both given the directive to clean up said shit hole or there will not be a single gift under the tree tomorrow morning. Yeah, that's how I roll. Mrs. Grinch. So sue me.

Shifting gears here for a moment, I just got one of those annoying automated calls on my cell phone. I find I've been getting more and more of them.

"This is Assface from your credit card company. There is no problem with your account, however you now have an opportunity to lower your percentage rate!" 

Me: "WOW What a great automated person Assface is, trying to save me money! How can I learn more, Assface???

Assface: "Press 1 to speak with a REAL LIVE HUMAN to discuss lowering your rate!!" 

Naturally, I nearly break my finger pressing 1 with the enthusiasm of a child opening a present on Christmas morning (a child who has cleaned up her shit hole of a house, of course).

Real live human douchebag: "Rude Dude here, how can I help you today?"

Me: "Hey Rude Dude, I wish to be put on your DO NOT CALL list please. "

Real live human Rude Dude: "click"

He hung up on me!!! I was SHOCKED!

That's almost as bad as the call I received the other night. 14 answered the phone and I heard her say "hello" several times before she actually got an answer. "Hold on, she's right here". She handed me the phone and again, I repeatedly said "Hello" before "Ken Johnson" came on the to tell me (in his clearest voice with the heaviest Indian accent I have ever heard) that my computer was sending out too many critical errors and that I needed to do something about it. Please don't ask me what I needed to do because I couldn't understand one flipping word that "Ken Johnson" was telling me. "Ken" and I were both talking at the same time so it made it even more difficult to ascertain exactly what he wanted from me, so I told them that I wanted him to put me on his DO NOT CALL list. "Ken's" response to me was simply one word: "WHY?"

Why?? How about because I don't know what you want from me, I don't have any account with you and I don't wish to receive anymore calls from you, how about that, "Ken Johnson"??

This was "Ken Johnson's" response, and I swear to Allah that I am not making this up: "No, but you have to open an account with me!"

Um, what? Really? No, I really don't think I do, "Ken Johnson".

I have my home phone on the national DO NOT CALL list, and I have all the cell phone numbers we have also listed on the national DO NO CALL list, and still, they continue to call. And THIS is why we need to stop spending forty-nine bazillion dollars on determining why some rats like brie and others prefer limberger cheese and start cracking down on the "Ken Johnsons" of the telemarketing world.

Ok, rant over. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I want to say that I hope your 2014 is filled with love, laughter and NO TELEMARKETING PHONE CALLS!! Merry Christmas, Snarklings!

Christmas Blues.......I gotz 'em

half and half
eggs
juice
butter

Oh, hey, sorry, just making my list for the grocery store. Got more baking to do tonight. After all, it is the Christmas season. It's the time of year for magic, caroling, decorating the tree and spending time with family, holiday shopping, writing out cards. Normally I've got it. But the past few years, I've started to lose my grasp on things. Maybe it's because my kids are getting older. Maybe it's because I'm so far away from my Mom, but it gets tougher every year for me to get into the Christmas spirit. When I lived in Jersey, I looked forward to this time of year as soon as my Thanksgiving Dinner was digested. But since I moved here to WV, it gets harder and harder for me to get into the spirit every year. A few years ago, we didn't even get a tree. The kids put up pictures of decorated Christmas trees next to the fireplace, with a request for Santa to leave the presents there. Pathetic, huh?

This year it's probably the worst it's ever been. Yes, I'm stressed about money. Who isn't? And I'm also stressed that it is exactly ONE WEEK until Christmas Day, and I haven't baked nearly as much I have in previous years, nor have I written out a single card, my house isn't the slightest bit decorated (except for about 6 cards taped up in a doorway). We have the tree standing in the garage and I'm hopeful that it will eventually make its way into the house. I'll have the girls decorate it this weekend. But since we've had basketball games or practices every night, a wedding back in NJ this past weekend, band concerts, Christmas parties for various activities, we haven't had a single moment to relax.

This year I promised 16 that I'd get her a varsity lettermen's jacket for Christmas. Unfortunately, the store where I want to make the purchase doesn't have very convenient hours, so we haven't even made it there for her to TRY ON a damn jacket. Yes she'll get her jacket, but it might not be until after St. Patrick's Day. Merry Christmas, darling.

And for the love of God why can't I stop crying?? I'm telling you, the older I get, the more emotional I get. And I say FUCK YOU MENOPAUSE!! I swear, I cry all the damn time. At the stupidest of things. I read an article on AOL about a guy whose seeing eye dog saved his life after the guy fell onto the tracks from a subway platform. When I read that the dog is 11 and will be retiring soon, and that the guy can't afford to keep him and he's looking for a home for the dog, I cried like a baby. Then I remembered that my friend Mindy just lost her kitty this week, and cried even harder.

I miss my Dad, I miss our talks on the phone. If he were alive today, we'd be discussing how ridiculous Ruben Amaro Jr.'s decisions have become when it comes to acquiring new players for the Phillies. And Dad would be so excited if he knew that there was going to be a new 24 movie next summer. But he's gone and I miss him.

I miss my Mom who is thankfully still with us but suffering from COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 these days. I don't know how many more Christmases I'll have with her and being so far away from her just breaks my heart. So naturally, I cry.

I cry for those who will spend Christmas alone this year because they've lost loved ones, or because their loved ones are deployed. I cry at video clips of soldiers and sailors surprising their loved ones by coming home unexpectedly. I cry at sad Christmas songs. Shit I cry at HAPPY Christmas songs. I cry when I hear the Waitresses singing about the guy in the line she's been chasin' all year and they realize that they won't be spending Christmas alone this year after all.

I just have the blues. Am I alone? How do you cheer yourself up and get yourself out of the holiday rut?

Facebook, you're a tool.

I don't even know how much it will help to post this on my Snarkfest page, because Facebook has DRASTICALLY decreased how many people see posts.  Many of my blogging friends who have thousands and thousands of followers have seen a huge decrease in traffic on FB and a tremendous dip in how many of their posts are actually seen by the people who like their pages. It's easy for us to say "Go to where it says "Like" on FB and click "Get Notifications" but that doesn't even seem to be working. 

So what I'm asking is this: Keep checking my Facebook page for new content, even if you don't see anything new from me in your newsfeed. Do this for ALL the pages you like and want to hear from.

Secondly, if you don't want to miss any of my blog posts, please subscribe to receive my blog in your email or follow my blog posts on Bloglovin'. You can do both of these from this blog page over there on the right side where it says "Subscribe via Email" or "Follow Me". I promise to NEVER EVER send you a bunch of spam.


Lastly, please share stuff you find humorous or thought provoking on the pages of bloggers or humorists you enjoy reading. Word of mouth is a powerful tool and lately, FB has been taking a lot of tools away from us.

What's That, Snarky? A Giveaway??

That's right, Snarklings! I'm telling you right now that I have just finished a ridiculously funny book, and I'm giving away a FREE COPY of it. What book, you ask?? "You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth" which was edited by Leslie Marinelli (the Bearded Iris herself!) and contains absolutely hysterical essays from some of my all-time favorite bloggers. These bloggers are all bloggers who have been featured on the awesome site, In the Powder Room. One of these days I'm hoping to be invited to hang out with the cool chicks from the Powder Room but until then, I'll have to read  and admire them from afar.

But YOU get the chance to win a copy of their book "You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth" as well as a copy of our very own awesomely fantastic book "I Just Want to Pee Alone", which has now sold over 20,000 copies!!! I am so excited and proud of this book and I can't wait to share it with you.

Seriously, some of my favorite bloggers are here including Abby of Abby Has Issues who discusses how she would be okay with being a Consolation Prize Wife as opposed to a Trophy Wife.  Or how about Lady Estrogen, whose lady parts look like, um, a vegetable that one usually serves smothered in melted cheese!! MaNNaHaTTaMaMMa's Cautionary Tale about peri-menopause had me cracking up, not AT her but WITH her because it's happening to me AS I'M TYPING THIS.

I can't leave out my fellow Pee Book authors who are also featured in this book. There's Amy of Family is Funny, who talks about the ABC Club which is a club I'd definitely belong to. Because I'm definitely Anti-B.....sorry, you'll have to read this story to learn more. Allison of MotherhoodWTF cracked me up with her story of an oral dilemma. And my girl Frugalista Blog had me peeing in MY pants discussing peeing in her FRIEND'S pants. Yes, you read that right. There are so many fantastic bloggers in this book and I want YOU to have a copy. And a copy of MY book too! The contest runs until next Monday so Tweet daily and enter now! It's a Rafflecopter, so you know the deal. Go for it! And good luck!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Minions and Twinkies and Makeovers, Oh My!!

Got a little secret to share with you. Shhhhh, don't tell anyone. When I was in high school, about a thousand years ago, I had a huge crush on a guy named Twinkie. Yes, you read that right, Twinkie. Twinkie was on the wrestling team. People called him Twinkie and he was okay with it. Being on the wrestling team, you'd think that if someone calls a guy Twinkie, someone would get a swift kick in the ass, right? Not so much. This guy was big. And hot. And no, his momma didn't really name him Twinkie, that was just his nickname and I needed a lead-in to this post about Twinkies. And decorating Twinkies to look like the Minions from the movie Despicable Me 2. Apparently, this movie is set to be released on Blue-Ray soon and someone wanted me to write about this contest that's being sponsored by Universal Studios and Hostess (who THANK GOD started making Twinkies again).

Image courtesy: Wallcapture.com
Aren't they just the cutest stinking things????

And damn if they don't look just like Twinkies! That's what the contest thingy is about. Give your Twinkie a Minion Makeover to look like cute and adorable Minions from Despicable Me 2 and you can win stuff. More about that later. I've taken to my Snarkfest FB page and asked for one-liners from my friends and Snarklings describing their thoughts on the movie (which again, I should probably see since the first one was totes adorbs). Now, I must tell you that I have to go bleach my brain because I just typed the words 'totes adorbs' and I HATE anything that's 'totes' OR 'adorbs' but that's what the kids are saying these days and I gotsta stay current, yo.

I digress, as uszhe. So this is what the Snarklings are saying about Despicable Me 2:

"BEE-DOH, BEE-DOH, BEE-DOH" ~  Snarkling Minday (whose son Ganna is totes adorbs)
"Twinkles gross me out" ~ Snarkling Fran (who is awesome, by the way, even if Twinkles gross her out)
"Made us laugh, made us cry" ~ Snarkling Tanya (who may or may not be off her meds)
"It was better than Cats!" ~ Snarkling Theresa (who KNOWS her Cats!)
"Twenty one fart gun salute!" ~ Snarkling Sharon (who, you guessed it, knows her farts)
"Haven't seen it but two lies scare me almost as much as minions!" ~ Snarkling Evil Joy (whose autocorrect hates Twinkies too)

So there you have the shining reviews of a totally cute movie, and a cool contest whereby you decorate phallic shaped cream filled baked goods and win cool stuff. Does it GET any better??? I think not.

So here are the details of the contest for those of you who are still with me. You can read the rest, I'm going to go buy a box of Twinkies and reminisce on my high school days.

Image courtesy: wallcee.com
How do you find overalls to fit 7 Twinkies???

Sweepstakes Details: 
HOSTESS INVITES FANS TO GIVE TWINKIES A MINION MAKEOVER!
Hostess and Universal Studios Celebrate the Despicable Me 2 release on Blu-ray, DVD and Digital HD with The Twinkie Minion Makeover Sweepstakes! The Limited Edition Minion Makeover Packaging hits shelves as the holiday season gets underway. Hostess is inviting fans across the country to kick up their creativity and dress up their favorite golden, crème-filled treats and “Minion-ize” their Twinkies for the chance to win great prizes. Now through January 5, 2014, Hostess lovers can make the season a little brighter by visiting https://www.facebook.com/Hostess and https://www.Facebook.com/Hostess/app_170621563134175 to download a collection of Minion accessories, and make their own Twinkie Minion. Fans can then upload pictures of their creations to enter to win a daily instant prize, which includes a Despicable Me 2 Blu-ray™ and special offers from Hostess, or the grand prize, which includes a Home Theater System, a collection of 30 Blu-rays and a year’s supply of Hostess treats.

Overlooking Those We Love, Those Who Need Our Love

This isn't a typical "I'm thankful" post. No, today I am feeling very very sad. The religious like to say that God does not give us more than we can handle. I've never subscribed to that point of view, and if you do, more power to you, I'm not doubting your beliefs. I'm just saying that when I was growing up, there were times when we thought, "Hey, God, could you focus on someone else for just a little while? We're gonna have to open a window pretty soon."  But that was then and this is now, and now I'm a grown up and have lots of things to be thankful for, grateful for, and to worry about.

Life has thrown us a few curve balls over the course of the past week. Currently, we are down to one car. The car that is no longer with us saved my husband's life. There is no doubt in my mind that if he was driving our Saturn, this would be a totally different blog post. Then there is 16, who has had a fever since Friday. Doctor says it's the flu and naturally she's gotta ride it out with fluids and Ibuprofen.  And there's Thanksgiving! Who could forget Thanksgiving? I'm cooking for 10! The house needs to be cleaned, the tables need to be moved, the bedding all needs to be washed and redone. Lots going on.

Which is why I feel absolutely horrible about what transpired right under my nose and I had no clue. My beautiful 14 was supposed to play volleyball this winter with the club in which she played last year. She even received an email from the team this past Sunday (when she was out helping me with Thanksgiving grocery shopping) stating that the first team meeting would be on the same night as one of her basketball games. We laughed about it and I told her we'd figure something out. And then I forgot about it because I had to get gas and go home and make dinner and blah blah blah.....

Yesterday, 14 forwarded an email to me. I had taken the day off from work to take 16 to the doctor and then to go empty out the remains of the car that saved hubby's life. I assumed that the email was the same email that 14 had received on Sunday about the team meeting. I ignored it. I've been bitching and whining about the house and no one helping me clean. And I still hadn't checked the email.

Until now. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: 14 LOVES VOLLEYBALL. And she's pretty damn good at it too. She picked up a volleyball in 6th grade for probably the first time at tryouts. And she was good enough to be put on JV AND Varsity. She's good. No kidding. And she LOVES the game. She eats it, sleeps it and breathes it. Are you getting the picture? Good.

So I finally got around to reading the email that she forwarded to me. And my heart sank. The coach had emailed her, apologizing profusely. There wasn't enough interest, they didn't have enough girls to field a team for U15, she was not eligible to play U14. My girl sat on this information and never said anything to be because of all that has been going on around her. She kept this inside. And I know she is brokenhearted about it. The coach did make her a pretty cool offer to help as a volunteer assistant coach for younger girls. She'd get to help them at practices, but it wouldn't be the same for her. She wants to play.  And the coach paid her a very high complement, saying that 14 "is a good person with very high character for only being 14, and is a great role model for young girls just starting out." But still, she doesn't get to play. And she never told me, because of everything else that's going on in our lives at this moment. Her dad. Her sister who's sick. Thanksgiving.

The coach was right, she IS a good person, she DOES have very high character, she IS a great role model to younger girls. But she's also selfless, kind, caring, compassionate, smart, funny, sarcastic, energetic, athletic, beautiful, witty, confident and amazing. I'm so proud to be her mother that sometimes my heart feels like it will explode with pride.

And so, to my baby girl, I'm so sorry that we've overlooked your needs this week. I promise I will try very hard to be aware of your needs and I promise that if you send me an email, I WILL READ IT.

If you ask me what I'm thankful for, right at this moment, I'd tell you I'm thankful for the following:

The restraint system on the Chevy Equinox
The warmth, health and love of my family
The generosity and love of my friends
The patience and love of my daughters
The love of my husband, who I hope will be around for many many more years

Picture Books, Duran Duran and Highway Robbery

It's no secret that I'm a huge Duran Duran fan. Everyone knows it, and those who don't know it live under a rock. I've seen them live over 20 times, I've traveled far and wide to see them, and to visit my girls for Duranie weekends. Or as we like to call them, BITCHES weekends. We have a tight-knit group of about 30 of us and we all try to get together at least once a year, just to hang out. For us, the band brought us together, but our friendships now go MUCH deeper than our love for the band.

And let me be clear on one thing: NONE of us are independently wealthy. NONE of us live in a mansion, NONE of us shop on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Most of us have families, mortgages, car payments, the usual. And we have one more thing in common: we all think the band has GIGANTIC CUJONES for what they are charging for a new book out this month.

Photographer Denis O'Regan followed the band around on their Sing Blue Silver tour and took a bunch of pictures. Now he's put together a book of over 200 color and black & white photos, bound it in cloth and they have the AUDACITY to charge £250 for it (to save you the trouble, that's $403 to us here in the US. Shocked? How about the £500 (That's right, $806 US) for the 'Deluxe Edition' signed by all 5 original band members? If that doesn't get you, there's also a £2500 (you guessed it, over $4000!) edition which is described as: "containing contemporary fine art prints and 1984 vintage prints, together with handwritten lyrics of one of the band's classic hits by Simon LeBon." My guess is it's that over-done, over-played make-my-ears-bleed song Hungry Like The Wolf. YUCK.

Well let me tell YOU something, Denis O'Regan, Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Andy. There's NO way on God's green Earth that I or ANY of my Durannie girls will EVER part with that much green for a book of pictures, with or without your autographs.

You've gotten a lot of money from us over the years, but (to quote Simon LeBon) you've gone too far this time.

If you are a Duran fan and you have the extra cash to fork over for one of these coffee table books, good on ya. But if you are a normal person with a limited income, this is an exorbitant amount of money and for them to expect a fan to part with that kind of cash for this book is BEYOND the scope of fandom. It borders on extortion.

Do we love the band? Yes. Are we insane enough to part with our hard earned money for this? No. Flippin. Way.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. And in the illustrious words of my girlfriend Joelle:

"For £2500 that book better be fucking hand delivered and Simon better be scrubbing my toilets, while Nick does the laundry, John runs the vacuum, and Roger does the dishes. I'll let Dom off the hook since he probably isn't included. Oh wait, Andy's included? Well then take out the trash."