Dear Verizon...

Dear Verizon,

I'm cc'ing Apple on this blog post because while you aren't totally to blame, you both need to be in on this. I recently began having issues with my iPhone 6, purchased from you, Verizon, and paid for over the course of God only knows how many months. Shut up, I know that all the cool kids are on the 11 right now but I've never been one to follow trends and I hate learning new things, so sue me.

Anyway, my battery life was seriously starting to dwindle down and no matter how often I'd charge it, it was constantly losing power, to quote Elmer Fudd, at a vewy wapid wate. It became so bad that when I would go out for a morning run, the phone would die halfway through a 5 mile run. Granted, I'm a really slow runner, but still, all I had open was iTunes and I was happily running along when my music would stop. I'd take the phone out of my arm band to see that it had died. Before you ask, no I had no other apps open. I've learned my lesson over the years that when I run, I don't keep other apps open because I know that they will suck the juice out of my battery.

Now here is my major concern: I run half and full marathons and in doing so, I go out on a lot of long distance training runs. I cannot be without a phone if I'm 8 miles from home and either I suffer an injury or God forbid there is an emergency and either I need to contact family or they need to contact me. It's just not an option. So when my phone dies after 25 minutes of only music playing, there's a problem.

I took my phone to the Verizon place in Frederick MD, a place where in the past, I've had excellent customer service. This time, not so much. In the past, they've greeted us at the door, and if there was a wait, they'd take our names and get to us in a timely manner. This time, no one came to greet us. We had to walk over to the table where 2 of your employees were sitting, looking at their phones. Yup, that sucked. When your representative asked what my issue was and I explained to him the problem, he informed me that yes, it sounded like my battery was going bad (ya think? Thanks Mr. Obvious, you're a lifesaver!) However, instead of suggesting that I just go someplace and get a new battery, he told me that Verizon would happily send me a replacement (read: refurbished) phone.

As a side note, dear Verizon, when I asked where the bathroom was (I've used their bathroom in the past but they have since remodeled), I was told that they didn't have a public restroom, so I couldn't pee. WHAT?? Let me tell you something, Verizon: I pay you exactly $274.56 every single month for 4 goddamn iPhones. For $274.56, you owe me the use of your bathroom in your store. Just let me pee!

But I digress, he told me that they would send me a refurbished iPhone 6 and that I would have to back everything up and reload everything onto the new (refurbished) phone and then wipe the bad phone and return it. So now I'm doing their job. Fine, whatever.

The first refurbished phone arrived that Tuesday. I backed everything up to the cloud, wherever that is, wiped the phone with the bad battery and shipped that one back. On Thursday I ran 5 miles and that first refurbished phone died halfway through my run. I. Shit. You. Not.  So I contacted Verizon via chat (why the hell would I waste the gas to drive 45 minutes back to Frederick for nothing?). They were able to do a diagnostic on my first refurbished phone and they told me that yes, in fact, that first refurbished phone battery was bad. Great. They said they would send out another (my SECOND refurbished) phone and I had to backup everything from the first refurbished phone to the cloud (where the hell IS that anyway??) and reload it to the second refurbished phone and send the first one back. That second refurbished phone arrived Saturday. Again, I did as I was told, (which in the past, Verizon has always done as a courtesy but alas no more).  I went through the whole process again, backup, upload, wipe, return. This time I checked the battery health on the second refurbished phone and found that it was only 86%. I did not have a warm fuzzy about that.

Flash forward to Tuesday. Yes one week after the first refurbished phone arrived, the second refurbished phone died during a run. What the actual eff??? I'm wondering if they sent me my original phone back. Anyway, we make the phone call this time and it was determined YET AGAIN that my battery was bad and that they'd be sending me a THIRD REFURBISHED PHONE. Why did NO ONE offer the option of just taking the phone to get the goddamn battery replaced?? Because you people have us trained that when one phone dies, we HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER, bigger better stronger faster phone.

Ok so the third refurbished phone arrives, and I go through the motions yet again. And then I checked the battery health on refurbished phone #3. It was 85%. Again, I shit you not. So guess what happened the first time I went for a run. Go ahead, guess. I'll wait.

If you said my phone died during my run, you win!!!

Guess what I did! At the recommendation of a friend, I took the phone to a place that replaces cell phone batteries and had that bad boy replaced for $60. My battery health is now at 100% and my phone has not died once since getting the battery replaced.

Yes, perhaps I should have done that in the very beginning, but I honestly did not know that it was an option. It's an iPhone, so I assumed if I replaced the battery it would no longer be covered under warranty. But guess what. YOUR WARRANTY SUCKS ASS.  I am keeping my third refurbished iPhone 6 until I run that bitch into the ground and then I'm switching cell providers because your customer service just ain't what it used to be and I am doing all the work AND paying you close to $300 a month.

Phew, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Thanks for your time. And next time, just suggest I replace the battery rather than sending me 3 refurbished phones and making me want to drink my dinner.

Sincerely,
Snarkfest