Things I will never understand, part 46

Ya know, just when you THINK you've heard it all, a man goes and cuts off his testicles with scissors on his wedding day. Seriously. There are some things you just CAN NOT make up. This is one of those things. This is something that should be reported on Dumbass News. Because clearly, this guy is a dumbass. And it made news. Read about it here, then explain somethings to me. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Twigs and berries courtesy of monkeemama.com

Now that you've read it, WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HE THINKING????  Here's a brief synopsis for those of you who didn't take the time to read it (lazy butts).

A. An hour before he is scheduled to say 'I do' to his lovely fiance, he whacks off is own nuts
2. Early wedding-goers had the pleasure of seeing said bloody nuts on the floor of the church
B. The eunich was sent for a psychiatric eval (ya think??) after a trip to the ER
Lastly, NOBODY TOLD THE BRIDE UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING (which DID actually take place that day!)

Holy flipping cheeseburgers, Batman, can you imagine the surprise this bride got at that wedding and then later on her wedding night????  I'm picturing that it went something like this:

Bride: Honey, come out and dance with me, it's our wedding song.
No Nuts: Nah love, gonna sit this one out. Little chaffed. Got the chub rub.
Bride: ??

Skip to the wedding night in the bridal suite:

Bride: Um, dude, what the hell happened? Where are your balls? Where the hell are your balls??? You had balls yesterday, hell you've had balls for as long as I've known you, and now? NO balls! What's up with that?
Nutless Wonder: Oh, yeah, hey, funny story............

How do you explain to your new wife that you CUT OFF YOUR OWN SAC??? Correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe it's just me, but if my soon-to-be-hubby was fruit-loopy enough to take a pair of scissors and cut off his own stones, I do think I'd want to know about it BEFORE I MARRIED HIM!!! But no, no one told her. According to the article, the bride WASN'T informed about why the wedding was delayed until AFTER the nuptuals took place. For real?? What the hell?? Didn't anyone stop for a minute and think: "Gee, I wonder if she plans on having some sex on her wedding night? Cuz sex with a man who just gashed his gonads might be a little tricky." I can't even imagine how furious I would be if this had happened to me. Seriously, girlfriend deserves to know she's marrying a total nutjob (sorry for the pun).

Maybe the groom was afraid that if he kept his junk, he'd end up like this guy, who, for all intents and purposes, raped a Land Rover. I wish I could make this stuff up.

***UPDATED FOR CLARIFICATION: Ok, my bad, sorry. It wasn't the actual GROOM who did the cutting off of the stuff. It was an unnamed man. Still doesn't change the fact that some whackjob cut off his own jewels, just that he delayed some poor couple's wedding while they cleaned his junk off the floor. My apologies to the groom. I'm sure he and Mrs. Groom had a lovely wedding and a lovely wedding night. With sex.