My Snarky Wish List

So the lovely and talented Joules from Pocketful of Joules kindly tagged me in the writing prompt that's going around called My Christmas Wish List. But since I've never been one for hearts and flowers and flying unicorns riding rainbows and shitting glitter, I'm putting my own twist on the whole thing. Hopefully she'll still be talking to me after she reads it.

If I could wish for 5 things for Christmas, you know they'd be for things you KNOW you want but would never ask for. So in no particular order here they are.

WISH #1 For the love of all that is holy, I'm BEGGING for this weekend to be extended by about 5 days. I want Sunday to be a 120 hour day. That's all I'll really need to get my shit together before Christmas Day. For those of you who normally received cards from me? Yeah, those would be sitting on my morning room table. The envelopes are all written out. No return address labels. No stamps. No pretty cards, personalized to you. Nope, just got as far as the envelopes.  So Merry Christmas, you'll get your cards about 362 days early for NEXT Christmas. You're welcome.

WISH #2 I am going to bed tonight with the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, wonderful, kind and thoughtful burglars will have entered my house and instead of STEALING things, they declutter my house, silently vacuum my filthy carpets, mop my horrendous floors, dust off all of my furniture, baseboards, countertops and shelves (without sneezing, good luck with that). I'm sure it's an odd request but it's more interesting that wishing for a maid. Plus I can't afford a maid so if they're burglars, and they actually DO clean my house, they'll deserve whatever it is that they end up stealing.

WISH #3 I am going to bed tonight with the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, my entire family will have learned how to do an actual load of laundry from start to finish. I know, I know, it's crazy. It's totally unrealistic to think that a grown man and two teenage daughters would be able to understand the concept of wash...dry....fold....put away. The wash and dry part, we're golden with that. But those last two steps? Nope, we got nothing. Blank stare. Drool. Fold? What is this fold of which you speak? Put away? You mean, like, NOT on our floor?? You mean, NOT piled on the guest bed? YES family, that's EXACTLY what I mean. Away!! Into those big rectangular things we have that you pull out and put stuff in and push back in. Those are called DRAWERS and while it's a LOVELY idea to store all your school shit and unmatched socks in there, that's actually NOT what they're there for. So let's work on that, shall we?

WISH #4 Is it too much to ask that delicious food magically become healthy and healthy food become fattening? You may ask "Teri, have you been drinking??" No, I say! I want freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to be high in Vitamin C, D, B12 and niacin (whatever the hell that is) and for lima beans to put weight on your ass and thighs!!! Why can't chocolate cake have more good stuff other than antioxidants?? Why can't chocolate cake be GOOD for you and NOT make your ass bigger?? Why must celery, broccoli and artichokes be the healthy choice??? Can't I just, for like, a month, eat anything I want, no matter how high in calories, fat, cholesterol, etc and NOT worry about the goddamn scale?? Seriously, it's not like I'm asking for a new Lexus in the damn driveway on Christmas morning!! I just want to be able to eat what I want. Hey, it's my wish, dammit.

WISH #5 Here's the serious portion of the blog, so if you've gotten a good laugh, I'm happy, and here's the sappy portion. Deal with it. I know that you have to take the good with the bad, and if nothing bad ever happened, we couldn't ever really appreciate the good. But seriously? Does the bad always have to be so fucking BAD?? Really??? Cancer? Children losing their parents? School shootings?? Parents losing their babies?? Why can't the worst bad things be, like, flat tires when you're running late? Why can't bad be stopping up the toilet in the morning? Why does bad have to be DEVASTATING?? So just for one year, for 2013, I wish for good. I wish for a year full of happy. No pain, no killing of babies, no cancer, no sadness. I PROMISE I'll appreciate the good, I'll thrill at the positive. I will love what I have been given and not long for more. I will cherish and hold dear those close to me. Hell, I'll even give up being snarky if it means a year without pain and suffering for others.

What's your wish? Now, I've been informed that this is pretty much a chain thing so I have to tap 5 other bloggers. Those bloggers are in NO WAY obligated to carry this through. Christ, it's December 20, who the hell has TIME for this stuff? But I'll do my part, just in case my wishes, any of them, could come true if I pass this on. So tag, you're it:

Evil Joy - UPDATE: Read Joy's here
Somewhat Sane Mom
My Mom's a Whackjob  - UPDATE: Read Joules' here
You're My Favorite Today  - UPDATE: Read Michelle's here
Paige Kellerman - There's More Where That Came From
                                             UPDATE: Read Paige's here