Shark bait, hooo haaa.

I don't even know where to begin with this one. So much snark and so little time this morning but I'll give it my best.

Water births are beautiful and amazing things. I know a wonderful woman in Australia who's had 2. In a big tub. With no wildlife to speak of involved. And she has two beautiful, smart and awesome children who are thriving and growing. She's been my friend for several years and I love and respect her. So don't start throwing rotten tomatoes at me, because it's not the water birth that I think is whacky. No, what I (in my snarky opinion) think might just be a little freaking off is giving birth in the water while your husband, your midwife and a pod of dolphins are looking on.

According to the Charlotte Observer, this couple in North Carolina is heading over to Hawaii to stay with Star Newland of the Sirius Institute, which is a place that says it wants to 'dolphinize the planet'. What? Dolphinize the planet? Don't get me wrong, I love dolphins. However, I wouldn't vote for one for president. Or have one drive my kids to school. They are lovely creatures, smart, cute and living in the ocean. But would I want to deliver a baby while being watched by a pod of these adorable mammals? Yeah, I'm thinking no. But that's exact what the NC couple is planning. They are going to try to deliver their baby, Bohdi, in the ocean with a pod of dolphins on-hand to join in on the festivities.

Let's get back to the Sirius Institute for just a second. According to Digital Journal, this place has plans not only to dolphinize the planet, but also has plans for 'humanization of space' which involves sending live Humpback whale songs into the stratosphere. I swear to God I wish I could make this shit up. Furthermore, the Institute actually claims that dolphins are able to improve or HEAL a wide variety of conditions, including Downs Syndrome and cerebral palsy. HEAL Downs Syndrome? Wow, that right there is quite a bold statement. Here's another one: the Institute also claims that "Children born in the water with the dolphins develop 6 months faster over their first 6 months, have perhaps 150 grams more brain weight, AND are ambidextrous.' Well there you go. That whole ambidextrous thing will come in real handy when the shark chews off one of the baby's hands.

So Moon Beam and her husband, Magic Bus have slept in their car, traveled across the country doing odd jobs when they needed food, money or supplies. They've scraped together enough money to fly to Hawaii and hit the beach to birth their baby. Does anyone else think this is just a little not right? Doesn't it beg the question WHAT ABOUT SHARKS??? According to Alohafriends.com, there are 40 species of sharks off the Hawaiian Islands with about 8 of those species found swimming close to shore. Sharks enjoy the scent of blood. Birthing babies involves blood. Am I the only one who can do math here?

Blood in the water + sharks + babies = 'come back here with my baby, you stupid shark'.

But it's okay, I'm sure the dolphins would be happy to swim after the shark who just took your newborn baby, and wrestle the baby out of the mouth of the shark and swim the baby back to you, you happy couple. Congrats on the birth of little Bohdi, maybe if he swims with those dolphins, all those bite marks will heal up quite nicely.

Liebster time.

I've been awarded the Liebster Award by the lovely and talented "It's Why You Like Me". I'm not going to tag anyone because I have already done it, but I will answer her 11 random questions about me. Because I love talking about me. So here are her questions and my answers. Ready:

My Eleven Questions for them

1. Who is your favorite late night talk show host?  That's easy, Jon Stewart because he's funny, sexy and probably close to my height.
2. What is your favorite color? Cheese.
3. Name your favorite childhood cartoon character. Hands down, my all-time favorite was Snoopy. I still love him.
4. What kind of vehicle do you drive? 2012 Chevy Equinox, I'm getting used to driving it but I HATE HATE HATE being married to the car payment. SUCKS getting hit from behind by a damned taxi and settling for next to pennies and losing my beloved Chevy Venture/Tank
5. Who is your guilty pleasure music artist? The Sugar Hill Gang. I LOVE me some Apache. If loving them is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
6. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Well, considering my kids read this, I'm going to say it was on my wedding night to my beloved husband. And then I'll try to sell you some beachfront property in Kansas.
7. What is your favorite sport to play? Play? You want me to PLAY a sport? I run, does that count? Otherwise, I do enjoy bashing a good tennis ball around. Kickball was fun in elementary school too.
8. What is your favorite current song? I'm still digging Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men. I know it's been out forever but it's so damned catchy! And Thrift Shop's got a catchy beat. Cups by Anna Kendrick is also cute. But see #5 for my all time fave.
9. Name your #1 celebrity crush. Mike Rowe. I do love me some Mike Rowe.
10. Be honest ... do you say "Because I'm your mother, that's why" EVER? Um, why do you ask? I may or may not have just said that recently.
11. What 3 things would you take on a deserted island (excluding husband & children)? Mike Rowe, an endless supply of cake frosting and Jon Stewart. The mind just reels at how much fun we'd have.

Friday night FUN

Last Friday night I had the absolutely pleasure of attending my very first book signing. And to make it more fun, it was MY book signing!! (Good thing too, because I'm thinking if I crashed a book signing and started signing books that I didn't write, the police may have to be called.) But it WAS my book signing and man, was it a good time. The lovely Kendra at Four Seasons Bookstore invited me to bring in about 45 of my closest friends and family and drink wine and eat cheese and crackers. Did I mention she's my new favorite book store manager on earth??

After a delicious dinner at Kazu, I stumbled two doors down to Four Seasons and when I got upstairs to where the book signing was held, there was already a crowd. Holy crap! They were there to see ME! I was so happy that Alicia from Naps Happen could join us for dinner and attend the book signing. It took the pressure off of me sitting up there alone, taking a chance on no one finding me funny, and quite possibly throwing rotten fruit at my head. But I am lucky that none of my friends have access to rotten fruit.

My wonderful and beautiful friend and neighbor, Kelley Craig of Kelley Craig Photography was so fantastic and brought along her camera to capture some great pictures of the event.

Evil Joy, Alicia and I
Photo courtesy of the talented Kelley Craig Photography

Are my teeth stained purple? I may or may not have had a glass or 3 of wine before and during the book signing.

Me trying to think up something witty to say. Being witty on command is hard!
Photo courtesy of the amazing Kelley Craig Photography

Alicia read her story from I Just Want to Pee Alone and had the crowd rolling. She's gorgeous and really funny!

Look at how beautiful my friends are! I love them so much and I didn't even have to pay them to show up and laugh at my jokes.
Photo courtesy of the beautiful Kelley Craig Photography

I'm so glad no one brought any rotten fruit. Only fermented grapes. My FAVORITE.
Photo courtesy of the sexy Kelley Craig Photography

This is probably the coolest image of my book I've ever seen. It probably has to do with the fact that I absolutely love the chick holding it.

The tart and tasty Teresa holding I Just Want to Pee Alone
You know who took that picture, don't you? I'll give you a hint: She's sexy, beautiful, amazing and talented.

I want to say thank you to everyone who was able to make that night so special. I felt like a rock star AND I didn't have to dodge any rotten fruit. Special thanks to Evil Joy for flying in from Wisconsin to join in the festivities and to Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho and to Sexy Suzie Q for the beautiful card and flowers. You guys are awesome beyond words.

It was standing room only and we almost had to take up a collection to pay Kendra's babysitter overtime pay because we were there WAY later than the book store's regular hours. What a blast! I should write books more often!

By the way, if you haven't already purchased a copy of either I Just Want to Pee Alone or the other book in which I have an essay, Parenting Gag Reel, you can grab them here.

Don't go in there, it's dark!

I'm talking about my mind. It's a very scary place! So filled with hidden compartments, drawers full of wise-ass comments, closets full of useless knowledge and containers overflowing with witty retorts. Yeah, there's a lot going on in there. And this week, it's just been nearly impossible to get all my thoughts together to form a coherent sentence, let alone hold a grown-up conversation. But I'm gonna give it the old college try.

Last week would qualify as a rough one. This past weekend was insane, and it didn't slow down any as Monday came. And I missed a very important milestone. May 14 marked Snarkfest's one year anniversary. I wrote my very first blog about swimsuit shopping with my girls and posted it on May 14. Since then, things have happened that I never could've dreamed about. I'm included in not one but two books, I've got over 100 people who follow my blog, I've got over 1600 Facebook fans of my Snarkfest page, and best of all, both of my kids still like me (as far as I know, have you heard anything different??) So that one snuck by me without any pomp or circumstance. But I'm totally okay with that. I'll have a party another time and celebrate.

Friday, we said goodbye to Bill. It was one of those perfect spring days. Warm, sunny, clear skies. How I wish he were there with us. But we said our goodbyes with a military honor guard at his grave site. My own amazing daughter 15 played 'Taps' while the honor guard folded the American flag draped across his casket, and his grandson Billy presented the flag to Bill's wife Pat. It was such a moving experience and I know that Bill would've been so proud of the kids.

The girls and I had to head home because Evil Joy came to visit me for the weekend! Evil Joy is a shit ton of awesome. We had such a great weekend together! First, she accompanied me on Friday night to Kazu, our little Thai restaurant in town where we met up with Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho, Teresa the amazing and talented (and HOT) PT, the awesome Alicia Stefann of Naps Happen (who was cool enough to brave rush hour traffic to join us for dinner and the book signing), the beautiful, phenomenal photographer Kelley Craig of Kelley Craig Photography, and the fantastic and adorable super nurse Monique. We enjoyed a delish dinner (and much much wine) before heading down to Four Seasons Bookstore where a crowd of about 40+ people showed up to hear Alicia and I read an excerpt from the Pee book and Parenting Gag Reel. I was and am still very much overwhelmed at the support I continue to get from my fantastic friends and neighbors here in town. I truly felt like a rock star that night. The party continued at my house after we closed down the bookstore, and much much wine was consumed there.

Alicia Stefann, left, from Naps Happen, and your old friend Snarky on the right

Saturday it was time to sober up and for Evil Joy, Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho and I to travel down to Fredericksburg, VA to pick up our race packets for the Marine Corps Historic Half Marathon. We absolutely LOVE this race. Good God there are Marines on every corner. For God sake, it's like a 'hot man in uniform buffet'.

From left to right, Hot Marine, Hot Marine, Snarky, Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho, Hot Marine, Pretty Marine, Hot Marine

The weather was overcast and misty but not hot (unless you're Evil Joy, who may have said once or twice or several thousand times that it was, in fact, hot) and for the most part, there was no rain. We finished the race, got our medals, got our free beer and found our buddies, Wendell and his dad Wendell, Sr. who participate in this race every year in matching Hawaiian shirts. Got our pic taken again with them and then we moved on to the finish line where we cheered the runners as they ran through the final stretch of the race.

Wendell Sr., Lisa Nazi the Crack Ho, Snarky, Wendell, Jr.

On the drive back after showers and a ginormous breakfast, we hit a few wineries (in Northern VA, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a dozen wineries, although I'm not sure why anyone would actually WANT to swing a dead cat but that's a blog for another day).

Evil Joy, Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho, Snarky

I'm not going to lie to you. This weekend was definitely an emotional roller coaster, filled with the lowest of lows and yet the highest of highs. And just when I thought I could relax, even for a bit, it was time to drive Evil Joy back to the train station to get her train back to the airport. On the way back, I had to pee, so I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts in an office building. Here's the uber-creepy part! (yes, there's an uber-creepy part to my weekend) Dunkin Donuts Dude gives me the key (because the bathroom isn't actually IN the donut shop, it's shared with the people in the office building) and tells me where to go. I follow his direction, unlock the bathroom door and fumble for the light switch, because it was pitch black in the bathroom. Boom: flip on the lights, walk into one of the two stalls in the room and thought I heard a noise. So now I'm stopped dead in my tracks because I'm in a locked bathroom where the lights were out and am hearing weirdness. Then I heard it again. THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME. IN A LOCKED BATHROOM. WHO WAS IN THERE BEFORE I GOT IN. SITTING IN THE DARK. Moooooooommmmyyyy!!!!!!!! You never in your life saw someone pee, pull up, flush, wash and get the hell outta Dodge so flipping fast!! I was done before they even flushed. Naturally, I needed a donut to calm my nerves (don't judge).

To top off the end of a very long four day weekend, I was co-chair person for 15's band banquet. There are 140+ kids in the band. Plus their families, so we fully expected over 400 people to attend this year's banquet. Next year, if the band continues to grow in size, I think we should have the banquet in Vegas. How cool would THAT be? Anyway, I digress (for a change?) the banquet was a huge success, I believe everyone had fun, ate way too much and left feeling good.

And here it is, Wednesday. Things finally seem to have settled down in Snark-world. Until this weekend. Phillies vs. Nationals in DC. Saturday AND Sunday. To quote Ferris Buehler, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

Tuesday Tirade.

"Cancer sucks. I wish cancer would get cancer and die."

Those were the words of my 13 year old baby, who lost her Godfather yesterday to cancer. Yes, baby, cancer really does suck. It sucks a lot. I hate cancer. Her Godfather was a very special man. He and his wife of 50+ years are my husband's best friend's parents. They were like second parents to my husband, and when we met and married, they treated me like the daughter they never had. And when my daughters were born, they treated those girls like their own granddaughters, spoiling them (and us) rotten. They were honored when we asked them to be 13's Godparents.

Then, we got a call about 12 or so years ago: Bill had suffered a heart attack and without a heart transplant, he'd most certainly die. My baby wasn't even 3 years old, and we were beside ourselves. Here's a crazy twist of fate that I always say was something that was meant to be: I was very close friends with one of my old customers, Ed, from my casino days in Atlantic City. We had known one another for years, and Ed and his wife were at our wedding, Ed danced with me, he was kind and very generous, and he passed away in June the year after Bill had his heart attack. A month later, on what would have been Ed's birthday, July 10, we got a call that a heart had been found for Bill. Call me crazy, call me whatever you want, but I strongly believe that when Ed died, he went up and had a little heart to heart with God, and he told God that Bill should stick around on Earth for awhile. And Ed found a heart for Bill. Shut up, this is what I believe.

Anyway, Bill had lived on an LVAD for over a year, so the heart transplant surgery was very touch and go, but in the end, Bill survived and we had an extra decade or so with him, thanks to that amazing person who agreed to donate his vital organs. (PSA, if you're not already, please consider being an organ donor)

Flash forward to last Christmas. Bill was diagnosed with that awful, horrible disease. The prognosis was not good. His options were extremely limited. Surgery would not work, his body was not strong enough. Chemo was the best route, but the most physically harmful to his already frail body. Doing nothing was the last option, just letting the cancer take him. Bill decided to go with chemo, but in the end, it did more harm than good, and we lost him yesterday. My baby lost her Godfather, my husband lost his second father, I lost a good friend and the world lost a great man. Kind, generous, funny as hell with a deadpan delivery. Always giving my husband, 'Beeb', a hard time about anything and everything. Bill and I used to love to pick on my husband, and he would just laugh and take it in stride.

So I'm saddened that we've lost such a great friend and I'm mad as hell that cancer has taken yet another person that I love. Yes, baby, cancer does suck. It sucks the joy out of living. It sucks hard. I'm so sorry that he won't ever be here to watch you walk down the aisle, and give your future husband a hard time like he gives your daddy, because we both know he'd do that. I'm sorry he'll never get to meet your own babies, I know he would've loved that. I remember when he held you in his arms when you were a baby, and I'm so sorry that cancer has taken him from us. From you. From his wife Pat, from his sons, Bill, Steve and Greg and from his grandson Billy.

I have to hope that my friend Ed was waiting for Bill at the pearly gates of heaven, and that Bill shook his hand and thanked Ed for giving helping to give him a few extra years with us.

Prepping for Summer Giveaway!!

Hey Snarklings, I'm back from the beach and am slathered in aloe to soothe the burn. That leads me to wonder, have you started Prepping for Summer yet???

No???

Well you'd better start!  It's coming quick.



Swimsuits, vacations, barbeques...  We're ready to help you get ready!

Yes, We!

I've teamed up with some amazing bloggers / friends to put together a great Prepping for Summer items.

What can you win?  Well let me tell you....

Money for essentials....A $25 Visa Gift Card
from My Daily Jenn-ism

Something to help with this winter weight....It Works! wrap

from Get Skinny with Roni

A cookbook to prepare for company.....
Carrie's Experimental Kitchen - A Collection of Mediterranean Inspired Family Recipes Cook Book
from Carrie's Experimental Kitchen

Something for Cocktails....Party Bullet by Magic Bullet

from Funny Postpartum Lady and Story of a Girl

Reading material for the beach...I Just Want to Pee Alone & Life Well Blogged books
from Snarkfest

Enter by clicking in the box below!  Good Luck :)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Please see enter, enter, enter!!  Tell your friends, tell your family, tell the kid that moves the shopping carts back into the store... Tell everyone!!!

** DISCLAIMER **
Must reside in the US. Must be 18 or older to enter. Must have a valid shipping address, No PO boxes. Must respond to the winning notification email within 48 hours or another winner will be announced. 

Tirade Tuesday...one day late.

I'm going to start off today's blog post with a request. Please do NOT shop at Abercrombie and Fitch. By now, I'm sure all 3 of you kind and dedicated Snarklings have read this article about how the CEO of the company is a fucking asshole. If you haven't, by all means, go read it. I'll wait.

Now that you've seen what a douchebag he is, have a look at his ugly, plastic-surgery-enhanced face:

How dare he??? This guy makes Ron Perlman look like George Clooney. Seriously, how fucking DARE he? I hate him and all that he stands for. Anything over a size 10 is too fat to shop at his stores?? Who in the world does he think he is?? Oh there aren't enough insulting names on the planet for this twatwaffle. Suffice it to say, I hope he loses his job, his wife runs away with the CEO of Lane Bryant, his dog gets bitten by a rabid raccoon, then bites him and he gets rabies, then his penis falls off, followed by a fatal case of chicken pox. Aside from that, I wish him nothing but the best.

Much has been said, written, blogged, screamed or spoken about this fucktard so I'm not going to go on. I COULD, because that's how mad I was when I read what he had the audacity to say, but I'm going to end it here and hope that his sales plummet, his stores all go out of business and he's sued by every employee he has, and that he ends up penniless on the street, pushing a shopping cart from Piggly Wiggly around all day wearing a bathrobe and mismatched slippers, collecting cans for recycling to try to scrape together enough money for another Botox injection.

But I'm not bitter.

Towpath the coverdog!

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"

You folks know I love my boy Towpath, the dog that was found last summer on the C&O Canal Towpath (hence the name). He was badly burned and left for dead when my friends Will and Kathy found him. They nursed him back to health and he is a thriving young pup today. He is, short of my own two dogs, one of my very favorite pups on the planet and he's in a contest to be featured as a coverdog. Who better to represent dogs everywhere than this little fighter? There isn't much time left in the contest, and it's one of those FB things where you have to allow them some access, so if you're not comfortable with that, that's totally fine. But if you don't mind, Towpath would love it if you'd go and vote for him to win!

UPDATE!!!!
The Miracle 

If anyone is old enough to remember the superhorse Secretariat running away from the field in the 1973 Belmont Stakes—a stunning, otherworldly performance in which that magnificent red creature put 31 lengths between him and his nearest contender, lengthening the lead even as he crossed the finish line—you’ll begin to understand the awe with which we watched Towpath run away with the Novadog vote this morning. Which, to ditch the horseracing metaphor (especially given the ridiculous physical comparison to our stubby hero), is actually our fumbling attempt at beginning to say thanks to the unstoppable community that is you, and to your heroic support of our heroic little soul, Towpath. Between 8 this morning, and noon when the contest ended, Towpath’s champions put up nearly 800 more votes—all but equalling his tally from the previous 18 days. In those four hours, he went from nearly a dead heat with his closest rival, to a seven-hundred vote lead. Who would have ever dreamt this of a dog once burned to within an inch of his life? We’re still shaking our heads with mouths agape, and blinking in disbelief. 

Oh, yes, the bottom line: Towpath is the new Novadog Cover-Dog! (Sound of cheers, popping of champagne corks, and tooting of party horns.) 

We can’t possibly give enough thanks, but we can assure everyone that Towpath’s path is now even further cemented as that of ambassador for the abused. And not to forget that this was, after all, to further the good work of WHS (Washington Humane Society). There were more than a hundred other deserving dogs in this contest, and hundreds of thousands out there that need a lot more of our love and care. 

To those of you so generous as to have shared our campaign with those outside our immediate Facebook network, please pass our thanks to them as well. You and they are all invited to keep up with Towpath at www.facebook.com/towpath.thewonderpup And please also convey our open invitation to all our furred friends and their families for a good romp together. 

Will and Kathy and Towpath

Inspiration...

Where do you get your inspiration? Your inspiration to do whatever you set your mind out to do. Do you draw it from your family? From your friends? God? Inspiration can come from so many places/people/things. I can tell you that I was overwhelmed this past weekend and inspired in a way that's really hard to put into words. But I'm going to try because it was amazing.

I ran two races this past weekend in Frederick, MD, the name for the series is the Nut Job. Very appropriate, considering it was the Twilight 5K on Saturday evening followed by a half marathon on Sunday. Check out the bling we got for running both races. It's official, I'm a nut job and have the medal to prove it:

On Saturday, prior to our 5K, they held a kids' fun run. There were children of all ages running this race.  I'm a huge proponent of kids' runs because not only do they get kids up and moving, but they also motivate kids to want to stay active. If they have parents that run, it motivates them to want to do the same. No one should be immune to fun and exercise. No one. No matter their race, creed, color, religious or political beliefs and especially any health issues they may have. I say this because we saw the most amazing, inspiring thing any of us had ever seen at the end of that kids' fun run.

As we watched children of all shapes, ages and sizes run across the finish line, one little boy caught all of our eyes, and we watched this little boy, who was about 2 or 3 years old, holding his dad's hand, and in the other hand, he held a white cane. The kind of cane a blind person uses. That's right, this little boy was blind, and yet, he was running a race. All five of us looked at one another and we all filled up with tears. There wasn't a dry eye among us. Our friend Sharon said it best: Good for his parents. Good for them for getting him out there at such a young age and showing him that he can do anything he sets his mind to do. We applauded as they ran across the finish line and his dad scooped him up in to his arms and the boy hugged him tightly.

Those parents are doing him such a great favor by not limiting him because of his blindness. They are showing him that blindness shouldn't keep him from participating in all the exciting things life has to offer, that he can go out and do things not because of his blindness but in spite of it.

So the next time someone tells you, "no, I can't do that", ask them why not? If a blind 3 year old can run a race, why can't you do something that's out of your box? That boy was my inspiration to run my best this weekend. And I'll think of him every I face a difficult challenge, because at least I can SEE that challenge ahead of me. He doesn't have that luxury. Just some special parents and some amazing determination.

Here's the crew of us, up in the grandstands, before we all started crying:

Denise, Me, Gina, Mindy and Sharon.

Mother's Day is coming soon!!!

Happy May 1st, Snarklings!  And what a beautiful May Day it is here in the Eastern Panhandle of West (by God) Virginia. Sunny, warm(ish), birds are singing outside my window, it's awesome! Just 11 more shopping days left until Mother's Day. In a bind? Not sure what to get for Mom for her special day? How about a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone? What Mom wouldn't want this hilarious book for Mother's Day? Or for something different, how about a copy of Parenting Gag Reel? I'm in that book as well, in Chapter 9! Yep, I'm in 2 different books this year!

You can purchase both books on Amazon.com OR you can purchase them right here on the old Snarkfest Blog. Just click here to take you to the page where my books are available to buy. I'm also offering a special for Mother's Day! (go ahead, get excited, I'll wait). You can order BOTH books from me, personalized, using PayPal and only pay $25. That includes shipping! Wow. Such a deal!

For both the books personalized and mailed to you, click the link to PayPal below.

What do you say? Mother's Day is coming up and all Mothers could use a good laugh. These books are FULL of fun and laughter. Go make your Mother happy.