Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Monday, April 18, 2016

I almost got arrested in DC last weekend...

My friends suck. Yeah I know I said I had awesome friends but they are different friends. My Duranie friend and I always joke that when one of us is in trouble, the others would pitch in for bail money. But my Shepherdstown friends? They're the reason I almost needed bail money.

Our marching band had the honor of marching in the annual Cherry Blossom parade in Washington DC on Saturday, and I had the privilege of chaperoning this huge band along with my friends Susan, Lisa and Lisa's husband Dave. Because we had to be at the school at 5:00 a.m. and I knew we'd be on the school buses until 8:00 at the earliest, I skipped coffee in favor of NOT holding my bladder for close to 3 hours. As you can imagine, by the time we got to DC, I was not the little slice of sunshine you guys know me to be.

I needed coffee and I needed it immediately. Since I have an old iPhone and the little hamster that runs my internet wheel is about a thousand years old, I could not bring up any kind of app that takes me to coffee. Therefore, I had to rely on my so-called friends to help me.

Is this too much to ask for?


Susan, a woman of high morals and values, poo-poo'ed the idea of Starbucks (Monsanto, GMO's) so she was determined to find me someplace that didn't kick baby puppies, like Dunkin Donuts. But she couldn't find a Dunkin on her phone thing. Please keep in mind, she DOES have a phone thing that tells her where the coffee is.  Lisa was really not much help, basically laughing at how cranky I become when I have zero drops of caffeine in my body. Ha. What a riot.

We started walking down 7th Avenue and we came upon a lovely US Parks Police Officer sitting in his car with his window rolled down. Susan stopped and asked him if he could tell us where there was a place where we could get coffee, and I mentioned Dunkin Donuts since Susan abhorred the idea of Starbucks. At this point, I'd have taken a cup of coffee freshly brewed by Adolf Hitler, but whatever.

The officer DID mention something about how not all cops go to Dunkin Donuts and started to try to think out loud about where there was a coffee shop. I looked DIRECTLY at Susan and whine/yelled "Don't you have a phone where you can look this crap up??" but unfortunately, since I was wearing sunglasses and Susan was standing right next to the cop's window, the cop MAY have thought I was yelling at HIM because he couldn't see my eyes. And naturally Susan jumped all over it and told me that I didn't have to yell at the nice police officer, he was trying to be nice and help. And the cop wasted NO TIME in fumbling around the car and finding his phone to look up where he could find coffee for this obviously unstable woman screaming in the direction of his window. I swear to God I was not yelling at the cop, I was whining at Susan because she has better technology than I do and because I was really, really hangry for coffee.

The nice officer told us there was probably a Dunkin just south of D Street, and I apologized for not yelling at him but in his direction, and we thanked him for his help and practically ran to D Street. (ok I did, they were too busy busting my balls about yelling at a cop). I suspect he MAY have just told us there was a Dunkin there to get us the hell away from him. Who knows?

We walk just south of D Street and guess what. NO DUNKIN. So Lisa breaks out HER phone and I hear her say "Hey Siri? Where is there a coffee shop?" and I turned to her and screamed "YOU'VE HAD SIRI ALL THIS TIME AND MADE ME YELL AT A COP???"

It was at that point that Lisa and Susan both peed themselves.

As we started our trek back, we spotted two women holding Starbucks cups and we descended upon them, jacked them up against the wall like we were Crockett, Tubbs and their cranky caffeine-deprived side-kick, and interrogated them about where they got their stuff. "L'Enfant Plaza! There's a Starbuck there, I swear, that's all I know!!"

We wasted no time running to L'Enfant Plaza, found the Starbucks and despite Susan's mores and high values, I drank that coffee as if it was manna from heaven.

Walking back to where we had left the band, we passed the nice officer who pointed us in the direction of coffee. His windows were all rolled up, no doubt an attempt to avoid the crazy coffee bitch who yelled at him earlier. I raised my cup and thanked him as we walked by his windshield and he smiled and waved and probably prayed we'd just keep walking.

Here's where I almost got thrown in the slammer:

After I finished my cup of joy, naturally I had to pee. I left my 'friends' and headed to the portapotties, took care of business and walked back to where I had left them. We were there for a few minutes when all of a sudden, a Capitol Police Officer came up on us on his bike. He broke into our conversation and said: "Excuse me folks, we have a report of a woman who needs a phone, You fit the description, ma'am. One of our Police Officers said that there was someone in this group who needed a phone." He reached into his pocket (NEXT TO HIS GUN) and pulled out a cell phone. "We've been told you need a phone to find coffee, is this true?" I just looked at him with my mouth gaping open and when he smiled, I nearly peed again. Turns out Lisa's husband Dave is friends with this particular Capitol Police Officer, and while I was peeing (the first time) she and Dave talked to him, told him the story about how I (DIDN'T) yelled at the officer about coffee, and he said "Oh I have to get in on this. Where is she, I'll go give her a heart attack."   Or something like that.

He then smiled and said "Hi, my name is Mike, I'm a friend of Dave's". Everyone was laughing, I was peeing but finally relaxed enough to smile and laugh. I shook his hand and said "Mike you've just lifted my mood, I very badly needed that laugh so thank you!"

And thanks for not arresting me.

Yeah, those are my friends.

Friday, April 15, 2016

With a Little Help From My Friends....




I have the most amazing group of girlfriends. We lovingly refer to one another as BITCH, but it HAS to be capitalized. Otherwise it's just an insult. We met over 10 years ago on the internet. Yes. We met online. We've been with one another through weddings, baby showers, divorces, new relationships, crushes, and concerts. Lots and lots of concerts.

We are Duranies. Or Durannies, sometimes I forget whether there is one 'n' or two. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that we love one another and have built a lasting bond.

I had 13 of them at my house last weekend. Duran Duran was performing at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC and since I'm the closest to DC, I asked everyone who could make it to come to my house for the weekend. We'd hang out, party, go to the concert and eat at Waffle House. Naturally.

The first to arrive Thursday night was Spammy from Pittsburgh. She was soon followed by Jen B from Florida. At midnight, Erin from Massachusetts arrived, followed at 1:00 a.m. by the Ohio/Chicago/Milwaukee contingent, JenB (not the Florida JenB, let's call her Ma Bell), Mindy, Gracie, Sarah, Heather and Carrie. On Friday, Lorrie from Virginia arrived in time for us to get in the cars and drive to the Metro Station, where we met Fred and Mims.

We all boarded the Red Line for DC. We ate dinner at Matchbox (if you've never eaten there, I HIGHLY recommend doing so. Trust me, you won't be disappointed). Then we headed over to the Verizon Center for the show..

Did you know that they remove the caps from your drinks so you cannot bring them into the venue? We bought bottled water (for the same amount of money I spend on groceries in a week) to take inside and they took the caps. (I actually sweet talked the lady into sneaking mine back to me, and this lady that was standing next to me tried to reach for it and grab it. So I shot her)

Nile Rodgers and Chic opened for Duran Duran and they BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE BUILDING. No lie, they were so musically tight and sounded so amazing, it was 45 minutes of pure music heaven. They set the bar WAY high for Duran Duran.

When our band did come onstage and start singing, Simon LeBon sounded very strained. It's very early in the tour and he is having way too much trouble hitting the high notes.They did the standard songs that every casual fan (but no self-respecting hard core fan gives a shit about) wants to hear: Rio, Girls on Film, Hungry Like the Wolf (that last one is my "I have to pee" song) and some new songs off of their latest CD, Paper Gods. But the highlight for me was when they did Too Much Information. I cannot remember if I've ever heard them sing that song live, and I've seen them more than 2 dozen times. ROCKED. IT. OUT. It was fantastic. Overall the show was amazing and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

When we got home, we ate the most delicious cake made by our Duranie baker, Carrie. The best part? The frosting. Happy Birthday Lorrie. Thanks for letting some of us have a little of your cake, BITCH.


The last Duranie chick to arrive was Joelle. She got the house around 3:00 in the morning on Saturday. My dogs had NO idea why all these crazy women were at our house and kept wondering why we weren't going to sleep. NO SLEEP ON DURANIE WEEKEND! Ok SOME sleep, but not much.

Saturday morning we got up and had cake for breakfast. We polished that thing off quickly. After showers and packing up, we hit Waffle House and sadly had to say goodbye to half the crew as they headed back to parts west. Lorrie left later in the afternoon and then after naps Saturday evening, we had dinner and played Cards Against Humanity with some of my Shepherdstown Besties, Luddy, Susan and of course, Lisa the Nazi Crack Ho.

Sunday came way too soon and I had to say goodbye to the rest of my BITCHES who headed back from whence they came. Overall it was an amazing weekend that went way too fast. It's nice that Duran Duran are touring but we all know that we don't need a show as an excuse to get together. We see one another as often as we can and love one another tremendously.

I don't condone running out and trying to meet internet friends, because yes, there ARE some crazy psychos out there. Trust me. Our group knows a WHOLE LOTTA crazy psychos out there in internet world. But we've been really lucky to have found this group and we will grow old together, listening to Duran Duran and eating frosting.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Girl Super Heroes? You bet!! And a GIVEAWAY!!

What more could you ask for, folks? FINALLY the ladies are coming to the forefront!

If your kids are looking for action-packed girl power, look no further than DC Super Hero Girls! DC Entertainment's latest animated series features a dynamic group of super heroes on their journey of discovering the power of their unique abilities and friendships. The characters are dynamic, from strong and fearless to edgy and fun; there is a character for everyone!

The DC Super Hero Girls YouTube Channel makes it easy for our kids to watch their favorite characters, on-demand, and from any device.

But wait, there's more! Your kids can also go to the DC Super Hero Girls Website and play games, download free printable activities and more. And as if that wasn't cool enough, how about a $100 Visa Gift Card Giveaway? I know, it's almost too good to be true. Enter at this Rafflecopter link:

a Rafflecopter giveaway
And check out the DC Super Hero Girls YouTube Playlist here:

This was a sponsored post from DC Super Hero Girls but all opinions are my own.