Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Music, food and....hey did you just beat up Mike Rowe??

Happy (wet and cold) Wednesday, Snarklings! I was able to wrestle Jenn off the computer long enough to figure out a way to edit yet another video clip. I'm almost getting good at this.

Remember yesterday when I brought up Sir Mix-a-Lot in the video clip? Well apparently Mike's very attractive, very talented camera man, Antwan Flowers is also a bit of a wiseass. Not very savvy with the old phones because he couldn't get mine to work to take a simple picture. Then he had the audacity to tell me that THAT'S why I brought up Sir Mix-a-Lot in the first video, because mine was the phone he used in the Baby Got Back video. Ha. Ha. Stick to your work behind the camera, funny man. ;)

Kidding, we LOVED Antwan. He's going to be Jenn's new mentor as she branches out into the field of TV production. Or garbage collector. Could go either way right now.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the second installment of my up close and personal interview with Mike. Stay tuned for more, Snarklings!


And since we discussed Billy Joel's 2 songs, here they are. First, here's Elegy: The Great Peconic

Video courtesy of the YouTube

And here is Billy Joel's 'Souvenir' which I LOVE that Mike mentions because it's a song that makes me weep, and weak in the knees when I hear it.


Video courtesy of the YouTube

Stay tuned, Snarklings!! There's plenty more to come. Sneak peek? Ok.......Dancing With the Stars, and how Mike's not allowed back in Disneyland.

And if you missed the first installment, you can see it here!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Days of Wine and...Feet

Hey Snarklings! Looks like I found a tiny part of my brain that works on techie stuff! Who knew? I've been able to edit the first 5 minute segment of the Mike Rowe interview and am happy to post it for you here! Pay attention to Mike's reaction to my foot. I'm thinking it's the stuff that nightmares are made of.


I want to thank 16 for her outstanding work as my camera crew. She rocks.

And I want to thank Mike for not running out of the room screaming and calling security on me. 

Stay tuned, there's plenty more where that came from. And please pardon my lack of interviewing skills. I don't really think I did all that bad for my very first time. I was afraid I was gonna go all Cindy Brady when the cameras came on.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Just another Sunday afternoon in DC...

So this happened Sunday.
My second husband and I. Eventually. (totally kidding)

And this.
Jenn and her new step-daddy. (totally kidding)

To say that I am still on Cloud 9 would be an understatement. To say that this guy is awesome just doesn't do him justice. From the first welcoming hug to his final goodbye as he walked us out, my experience with Mike Rowe was truly the best experience I've ever had with a celebrity. Okay a quasi-celebrity, but whatever. He was fantastic. (Mike, if you're reading this, don't let it go to your head, you big Diva).

For everyone else, here's how it went. I sent an email to mikeroweWORKS HQ Saturday around noon saying that if Mike had any free time at all on Sunday (he was in town for the USA Science and Engineering Festival in DC), that I would be happy to make the trek down to the city to sit down for a chat, if it was possible. 2 hours later I received a call back saying that if I could make it to DC around 1:30 Sunday, Mike would be happy to meet with me. Yeah I think I could fit that into my schedule. (Keep in mind that this has been an on-going thing, us trying to set up a meeting, I didn't just ask and receive, it was a process)

Sunday morning, Jenn and I piled into the car and drove to the metro station, took the metro into town and arrived early. If you've never been to the Walter E. Washington Convention Center, it's massive, it takes up over 3 city blocks and is about 5 stories high. So once we found the room where we were supposed to meet Mike, we didn't stray very far from it. (I was so afraid of getting lost in the vast expanse of the building!) We met Susanna from mrW who let us into the green room (the conference room set aside for Mike and his crew). She told us they were running behind but would be there shortly, help ourselves to any food/drink we wanted and off she went to catch a flight back to the west coast. We saw Matt Freund (from the Poo Pot episode Dirty Jobs). We snacked and we waited.

Suddenly, the doors opened, and his entourage walked in with him and then, in that deep, sexy voice, I heard: "Well, well, well." I melted right there on the chair. When they scraped me up, he put out his hand to shake mine but I clumsily asked for a hug instead. You'll get your handshake but let's get the formalities out of the way early. After the hug, I shook his hand. Whatever. Don't judge me. I'm lucky I didn't try for some tongue. My kid would be in therapy for (more) years.

There was chit chat, he introduced us to Mary who is the president of mikeroweWORKS, and to Antwan (I hope I'm spelling that right) who was his camera man. I introduced them to Jenn, who I said was my producer, director, camera girl, sound girl and entourage. I gave them some Snarkfest bookmarks which they found amusing (who wouldn't find a picture of a cat's ass sticking out of a drawer amusing??)

I digress (as usual). So while I was standing there with my crew of 1 talking with Mary, Mike went out into the hall behind the conference room (green room) to scout out a place for our chat. He called Jenn, Antwan and I out and he had set up two chairs for us to sit and two chairs for our camera people to sit. The man does his own grunt work. Just sayin'.

We sat down and for the next 45 minutes he answered my totally off the wall questions with a smile. He told me that he had just spent time with a journalist from CNN and did a live spot with CBS so this little off the cuff interview with non-standard questions was just what he needed. My thinking was this: YES he has a new show coming out and YES he has his mikeroweWORKS foundation, but I would imagine that answering the same questions over and over would really start to get boring. I did NOT want to bore this guy. So I asked him questions like: What would your stripper name be, and tell me your signature move. Trust me, we all had a good laugh at that. Also among the questions, what's on his mp3 player, would he consider voicing a cartoon character and would he do Dancing With the Stars if he was asked.

I have the whole thing on my video camera, and I promise you, if you are patient with me while I try to figure out how to get it all to work, you will NOT be disappointed when I post the interview. But what I'm planning on (trying to do) is to break the interview up into 5 minute segments, because I have a feeling I would lose people if I posted one entire 45 minute video.

Check back in soon and if you don't want to miss a thing, go up there on the right side under my picture and subscribe to this blog so that you receive an email with a link back here every time I post. Trust me, I won't spam you (I'm not that smart, don't give me too much credit) and you DON'T want to miss his signature stripper move. It's hot.


Saturday, April 26, 2014

Holy Crap!!! I'm meeting Mike Rowe!!!!

Snarklings, the time has come! It's really happening!! I got a call from the lovely Tara from the mikeroweWORKS home office in the Golden State, asking if I was free to meet with Mike Sunday in his 'green room' (who knew he had a green room??? I wonder if he has a director's couch?). I told her I'd have to think about it for a little while (like hell I did). I told her YES!!! I'd be happy to!! So I'm traveling to DC tomorrow to meet up with him. Pins. And. Needles. Just sayin'. I wonder if he's as excited to meet me?

Photo courtesy: Discovery networks
Stay tuned for details. I'm taking 16 with me as my designated photographer. It'll be interesting to see if she can do more than just 'selfies'.


Thursday, April 24, 2014

New series: I've Kissed A Lot of Frogs...

Starting today I'm going to begin a new series that I will write weekly regularly whenever I get off my ass and write it. The series is called "I've Kissed a Lot of Frogs" and it will feature various stories of all the jackasses losers jerks assbags fellas I dated before I found my one true love. Trust me. I've got a lot of stories to tell. Because seriously, I really HAVE kissed a lot of frogs.



In honor of 16's Prom this weekend I'm going to tell you the story of my senior prom date. I went with a guy that I was seeing, let's call him E. E's friends and my friends had all coupled up in the months leading up to the Prom, so we all went together. When E came to pick me up, he looked very handsome in his black tux, white shirt, black cummerbund and.... no socks. My mother was horrified. The guy was dressed to the nines with no socks.

Flash forward to the Prom. We had fun. My friend M and her boyfriend E (but a different E, not my E, so to avoid any further confusion, let's call them ME as a couple) had been together for quite awhile longer than the rest of us. M and I concocted a plan where we'd dress sexy under our gowns, and by sexy I mean thigh highs and garter belts. Hey, we were 17 and thought that's what guys liked. We didn't know we were about to be dressed like hookers. Anyway, I digress. After the prom, we all went to the hotel suite that we had all pitched in to rent.

We had some soda and chips, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DRANK BACK THEN, MY DEAR DAUGHTERS, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, and had some fun. Then E and I retreated to the bedroom.

Up until that time, I was a good girl. I still had my virginity intact. But I was prepared to give it up to E that night, despite the fact that he wore no socks to my Prom. We were pretty close to sealing the deal when I came up with this hair-brained idea that he should probably wear a condom.  I know, it's crazy, right? I really didn't think I was asking too much. I mean, what 17 year old guy doesn't have a condom in his wallet?? It was the 80's for crying out loud! Well we bickered back and forth for a few minutes. He had a condom in his glove compartment in the car. But he didn't feel like going down to the car to get it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He wanted ME to go down to his car and get his condom out of his glove compartment. Yes, read that sentence again. I'll wait. No. Freaking. Way.

Needless to say, no virginity was lost that night.

I DID, however, end up giving it to him later that summer, after graduation. (Shut up, I was young and stupid) This time, his condom was in his dresser drawer, so there was no bickering that night. However, that dresser was located in a bedroom in a house he shared with his grandmother. His 128 year old grandmother WHO WALKED IN ON US AS WE WERE BUMPING UGLIES. No lie, I died of embarrassment right there on the spot. Since she was 128, I'm not really sure she knew exactly what was going on, but that didn't matter. The deed was done and we were caught red-handed. That was my last contact with E. EVER.

So my first time was about as awesome as a root canal while giving birth with no pain killers. Stick around, the stories only get uglier as we go along.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

BlogU Conference 2014...

Many of you may see my daily Tweets and FB posts about the upcoming BlogU Conference I'm attending in June and you may say to yourself: "Self, what the hell is she doing? Why is she posting about this shit every stinking day?" Well, first, if I may, you need to stop talking to yourself. People will worry about you and make you check into a 'facility' to get you some help.

Secondly, and more importantly, I'm doing it because I like money. "But Snarky" you might say to yourself, "how does posting about BlogU Conference make you money??" Again with the talking to yourself? Really?

I'll tell you, Mr. Noseypants, it's because the awesome chicks who are putting this conference together are offering a refund on the cost of registration to one lucky Conference attendee. It's a Rafflecopter contest, one of those that you can go back and enter every day (provided you remember). And the more times I enter, naturally, the better my chances are of winning back my $300 clams.

I'm increasing my chances JUST but writing this blog. What do you think of that? Pretty cool, huh?

I stole this from Facebook. So sue me. I may have an extra $300 if I win.

So to all of you who say to yourself "Geez, I'm sick of seeing her post and tweet about this stupid conference!" let me just say two things. First, STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF, YOU LOOK CRAZY!! And second, if you don't want to read it, skip over it. I'm not jamming it down your throat. It's once a day. I post a bunch of other crap and nobody says boo. It's only for another month and a half. Then you'll probably get sick to death of hearing about how much fun I had at the conference and how much I bought with my $300 prize money!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Homeschooling discussion, from a very cool guest poster...

Hey Snarklings. Today I'm featuring a new friend of mine with a very cool and insightful blog called Coffee is Black. Now you all know that I do love me some 16 and 14 but there is NO way on God's green earth that I could ever have the patience to homeschool those little angels. No. Way. At. All. And we all know the debate gets hot when you've got 1980425 opinions on homeschooling and every one of them is the right one, right? Right. But here is a different perspective. One FROM a former homeschooled kid, not a parent either pro or con. And it looks like she turned out pretty okay!

I give you Fiona. Read her post here, then go and check out her blog. Seriously, there's a lot of food for thought over there! But for now, please welcome the lovely Fiona from Coffee is Black...

Homeschooler in a Public Schooling World: You are Not a Special Fairy Anymore

A homeschooler in a public school is a strange and bewildered creature. There are so many things to adjust to! Here are some lessons about surviving public school that would have helped me a lot had I known them:

1. When bells ring, it means that you have to leave whatever class you're in and go to another one. It doesn't matter if you like what is going on in class. It doesn't matter if you're talking with the teacher. You actually get in trouble for staying in class. Crazy, right?

2. I learned very quickly that YOU DO NOT ASK THE TEACHER FOR EXTRA WORK. They honestly don't know what to do with you, and you will forever be marked as strange by the teacher. Seriously, don't do it.

3. It is very, VERY uncool to appear interested in the schoolwork. I made the grave mistake of getting excited about a debate about the benefit of technology in Social Studies. I thought it would be cool to play the devil's advocate and argue that we'd be better off without technology. I was "cavewoman" to the kids in that class until I graduated.

Me at school. Uncool and interested.


4. You can't leave lunch and go somewhere else because you feel like it or you have something more important to do. You will get in trouble if you just randomly wander the hallways doing stuff. Seriously, hall passes are a thing. You have to use them.

5. If you stay up late working really hard on something, you don't get a free pass to sleep in the next morning. You don't get to stay in bed past 10 or even be a few minutes late for the very legitimate reason that you are tired because you were doing work. You have to be in homeroom at 8:10 a.m. unless you're planning to play "hooky." You just have to accept it and show up on time in the morning.

6. That I-was-staying-up-late-doing-work-for-another-teacher excuse doesn't fly for homework either. This is tough when your one-and-only teacher (Mom) becomes 8 or 9 separate teachers. They don't care about the other work if it means you're doing their homework late. You just have to do it all on time. Tough cookies.

7. If you get an assignment that you could make more interesting by changing the prompt, well, don't change the prompt. You won't get a good grade, or any other kind of reward. You have to follow the instructions that the other 30 kids in class are following.

8. You can't skip ahead on the work if you already know it. You have to stay with the class. Be patient. You'll get there.

9. Don't contradict the teacher in class. It won't get you bonus points or a congratulations. You may be a *special fairy* who knows absolutely everything and is quite confident asserting yourself. BUT in public school, you have to keep that special fairy-ness in check and don't undermine the teacher.

10. Finally, bare feet are absolutely against the rules. You have to wear shoes to class. You have to KEEP THEM ON in class. If you get called to the office for something, you have to go with your shoes on. If you are in the library or study hall, you must stay shod, no matter what you actually want to do, even if it hurts your delicate Fairy sensibilities.

Myself as a Special Fairy, Pre-Public School

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hero...

Let's hear it for this kid. Seriously. Nate Scimio, a Franklin Regional High School student, had the presence of mind to pull the fire alarm when 16 year old Alex Hribal was terrorizing the school, wielding a knife and stabbing and slashing kids. This article from HuffPo says that not only did Nate Scimio pull the fire alarm, alerting the school of a potentially deadly situation but also that he stepped in when Hribal was approaching a female student and pushed her out of the way, probably saving her from injury or worse.

Photo courtesy of Nate Scimio's instagram page. Thanks Nate!
 So let's give it up for this kid. I wish there were many many more kids like him in our schools today. You move to rural areas thinking your kids will be safer than in the big city or urban schools, and then something like this happens. It's scary as hell raising kids these days.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I must confess...

Some truth telling on the old blog today. I think it's time I came clean and 'fessed up about some stuff. Don't worry, I didn't kill anyone or hijack a school bus full of nuns or anything like that. But what I HAVE done are some things that very few people know, because they aren't things that you were supposed to do when I did them.



When 16 was just a few days old, I could NOT get her to fall asleep. I had a crib in her room but didn't use it right away since I was a brand new mother and was pretty much an idiot when it came to babies.  We kept a bassinet in our bedroom but every time she'd fall asleep in my arms and I'd put her down, she'd wake right up and fuss. So I did what any brand new mother would do. I put her in her car seat. For some reason, when I did this, she slept. And she slept well. Who was I to deny that little angel her sleep? So for about the first month of her life, my baby slept in her car seat at night.

Once I finally started figuring out this whole 'mothering' thing, I was able to rock her to sleep and put her in her crib (without her car seat) and she'd be okay. Until she wasn't. She was probably about 3 or 4 months old and I would have a hard time getting her to sleep in her crib. Like a good mother, I always laid her down on her back. No SIDS in my house! But one night I just got tired of laying her on her back and almost making it out the door before she'd start squirming and realize where she was. It was at that time that I became a rebel. SIDS be damned, I had a baby monitor, I cranked it up loud so I could hear every breath, every fart. So when I laid her back down in her crib after she'd fallen back to sleep in my arms.... I put her on her tummy. OH THE HORROR!!! I fear they are coming to take away my 'Mother of the Year' sash and tiara. Oh well. Guess what. She's 16, and she survived sleeping on her tummy. The only person I ever told about this was my best friend. And guess what! SHE DID IT TOO!!!! We felt like some secret society of 'Moms Who Throw Caution to the Wind!' We were rebel moms, but we slept! Oh the sleep! It was a secret that we only discussed in private when no one could hear us, and we relished the fact that we had our little club of 2.

When my girls were a little older, probably 3 or 4, they were fighting (as they did on a regular basis) and I finally followed through on my promise to call Santa and report them. I called them both into the room, and then I dialed his number and I said "Hello Santa? This is Mrs. Biebel. That's right, Jennifer and Amanda's mom. I'm fine thank you, and you? Oh that's good, I'm glad to hear it. Listen, Santa, I'm calling because I wanted to let you know that Jenn and Amanda don't want any Christmas presents this year. Yes, that's right, they keep fighting and...oh you've seen them? Oh, so you know how they've been behaving. Oh good! What's that Santa? You want to talk to them? Ok, hang on I'll get them." The look of terror in those little eyes was just priceless. I wish I had captured it on film. Or my phone. Or whatever. They were like frightened kittens.



I handed the phone to Jennifer and she very sheepishly spoke to Santa and promised Santa that she would be much nicer to her sister and she would stop fighting with her. Then she handed the phone to her sister who cried and cried because she wanted presents. I believe that's all she told Santa. She wanted presents. Whatever it took, she'd do what she needed to do. Because PRESENTS.

Those girls never even guessed that it was my brother, their Uncle Billy on the other end of that phone. And I didn't care. I actually got a few weeks of peace out of that one phone call to 'Santa' and I owed my big brother a huge debt of gratitude for playing along.

Phew, I don't know about you but I feel much better now that I've gotten those things off my chest. Now it's your turn. What secrets do YOU have that you feel you can finally confess? Go ahead, I won't tell.

Hey, before you go, just a reminder. That little box over there on the right that says "Shop Amazon.com" is for you. I'm saving you the trouble of typing in "Amazon.com", just click the link and do your shopping and I get a teeny tiny percentage of money for keeping that link on my page. Go on, you know you need a new pair of flip-flops, a shower cap and a can of whipped cream.


Monday, April 7, 2014

People are gross...

Let's talk about search terms. When you open up The Google and search stuff, you get a list of websites that are brimming with info on your search term. Or so you'd think.

Normally, if I wanted information on 'farting butterflies', I'd enter the search term "farting butterflies" and hopefully, The Google would bring up a whole bunch of websites with lots of info on this interesting topic.

So someone needs to explain to me how in the WIDE world people find MY blog, THIS little blog here, by typing in weird search terms that have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. Seriously. I write about my kids, my crush on Mike Rowe, current topics. I do NOT, however, write about a girl 'loosing' her virginity to a cat. Or how about this one: 'don't look under my dress perv boy'.  2 years ago I wrote about my daughter buying a homecoming dress that was too small, but never mentioned any perv boy looking up her dress, so how do they find MY blog by searching THOSE terms??

I do get a lot of people finding my blog by searching 'Mike Rowe married', and that fits, because you may or may not know this, but I've got a little crush on him, so that's totally understandable. I may or may not have mentioned him once or forty-bajillion times here. But when someone finds my blog by searching 'twinkies wearing overalls' I have to take pause. First of all, how the hell do Twinkies wear overalls? They don't have shoulders to keep the straps up.

Photo courtesy of Pinterest via blogheart.info
I did write a blog post on Twinkies looking like minions but I never mentioned them wearing clothes. I hate animals or snack cakes wearing clothing. That's a well-known Snarkfest fact.

The search term that one person used grosses me out probably more than any of the others. How about: Boomer Esiason nude?

Excuse me while I go and bleach my brain to get that image out of my head. I posted about Boomer being an assbag, but never ONCE did I ever say anything about him being nude. Rude. A rude dude maybe. Or crude. A crude rude dude. With a 'tude. But nude? No thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see what I can find on the topic of farting butterflies. And I'm sure next week that will be tops on the list of search terms for the Snarkfest blog.

Weirdos.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Why Boomer Esiason needs to be slapped...

Seriously, Boomer Esiason? Are you kidding with the comments you made on your radio show?

I watched the Today Show this morning and saw the beautiful Tamron Hall do a segment from the Orange Room on how Mets 2nd baseman Daniel Murphy decided to skip the season opener in favor of being at his wife's bedside for the birth of their first baby. Boomer Esiason had something to say about that on his radio show.  Are you ready for what Boomer said Murphy should've done? Boomer said Murphy "should have made his wife have a C-section before the season started to make sure he was available" to play. The Mets opening day was Monday, and Murphy chose to take Paternity Leave, which is allowed in a deal made with the MLB Players Union. Really Boomer? You would've made your wife have a C-section? What if she got pregnant later in the year and the baby was due in, say, July? What then, Boomer? Schedule the C-section for the beginning of the season and have a baby born 3 months premature because it worked out better for your schedule? You stupid dumbass shit-for-brains.


                                                           Video courtesy of YouTube.

My thinking is, Boomer may have taken one too many hits to the old noggin when he was still playing football, because this is the dumbest thing I believe I've ever heard. It's like he's a goddamn cavemen.

"Me bonk her on head, make doctor take baby, me go play game."

Assbag. What do you think? Do you think Daniel Murphy did the right thing? Or are you an assbag who thinks that the game comes before the birth of your first child?