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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shop early! Avoid the rush!!

You guys know I'm always on the lookout for weird crap, and since I've got access to the innnnnernet, there's plenty of weird crap to be found. Weird crap practically falling from the trees. Oh wait, that's bird crap. Sorry.

Anyway, in my quest for the weird, I just did a little of The Googling and found some stuff that I thought I'd pass on to you. You know, in case you have some shopping to do and don't know what to get for that always hard to shop for cousin, uncle or pervert next door. You're welcome.

First up, for that hard to buy for child in your life, who wouldn't love a Lederhosen Unicorn?? Who knew unicorns wore pink lederhosen, stood upright, had elbows and wore purple sneakers? Ahhh Christmas magic.

Looking for a snack to hang on the old Christmas tree but are tired of that overdone mint flavored candy cane? Well you're in luck. Now you can have your very own GRAVY flavored candy cane. Again, you're welcome. And what the hell is that brown thing? If that's supposed to be gravy, gravy looks an awful lot like shit.

Let's say you're in the market for a game that's sure to bring MINUTES of fun. How about this? Pass the Gas Game!  Like hot potato, only classier.


Here's one that ANY depraved moron would be happy to receive. THE ORIGINAL Liquid Ass. Yes, The Original Liquid Ass Fart Spray. Apparently, there must be dozens of imitations out there on the market, so pass those by and go for the original. Because nothing says Merry Christmas like buying someone THE ORIGINAL Liquid Ass Fart Spray.


How about all those cat videos out there on the YouTube? There must be tens of skadrillions of cat videos, but were ANY of them made with the Cat Video Clapper Board?? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say no. So the next time Fluffy does something video worthy, break out the Cat Video Clapper Board and make a real life movie of her. And if she screws it up the first time, yell "CUT" and have her do it again. She's a cat, I'm sure she'll LOVE to work with you and follow your direction.

For you big city folk, what says Love Thy Neighbor more than this? The 'Fuck the Rain Umbrella'. Perfect for when you're in a shitty mood and want to tell that nasty rain off. **The makers of the 'Fuck the Rain Umbrella' cannot be held responsible for rocks, bricks or bottles thrown at you by others who may not have such a brilliant umbrella such as this. Seriously, who wants to see this giant finger when you're walking in front of them? I wish I had one of these when I was in Catholic school on a rainy day. I'm sure the Sisters of St. Joseph would've LOVED this.



Now, if you ever find yourself in an emergency situation, here are two of the BEST emergency gifts on the web.  How many times have I found myself in an emergency without a Santa Kit? Well not anymore! Not since I've found the Emergency Santa Kit.


Or THIS masterpiece. I can't TELL you how many times I've said to myself: "Oh God, this is terrible!!! What an emergency!! If I ONLY had an Emergency Horse Sound Machine, then EVERYTHING would be okay." Well look no further. Horse sounds when YOU need them. For real.

Ladies, wanna have literally SECONDS of fun?? Try this! The 'Always Positive Pregnancy Test!'

This can be used over and over again, every time you want to scare the bejeezus out of your man.

Last but not least, here's a real gift worth giving. What woman DOESN'T just want to pee alone? This is the perfect gift for the holidays. I Just Want to Pee Alone is a book that has small, short, bite-sized essays that you can read while peeing alone. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll pee (alone) and you won't be sorry. Buy it for you. Buy it for a friend. It really is a great book, and I'm not just saying that because I've got an essay in there.

You can buy this book here 

So there you have it. Your one stop internet shopping guide for the holidays. Please report back to me once Uncle Al opens his Original Liquid Ass and tell me how happy he was to receive it!! I'll be here. Peeing Alone.

5 comments:

  1. This is genius! I spy a gap in the UK market for these Gravy Candy Canes... one thing we need to clear up though. Is it 'gravy' like English people make (cornflour, beef stock / meat juices, salt n pepper) or is it American-odd-wrong-colour-made-out-of-something-else-entirely-gravy? ;)

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    1. You're talking beef gravy which is darker. Turkey or poultry gravy is made of the poultry stock/meat juices, flour, salt n'pepa. Same thing, just different meat stock. And you can have ALL the gravy-canes!!

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  2. LMAO! I need to find that liquid ass spray to bring to the relatives house tomorrow for turkey day!

    Here's wishing you and yours a terrific Thanksgiving!

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    1. LOL that'll make for a quick dinner, Phil!! Hope you and your family also have a fantastic Thanksgiving!

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