Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

And now for something completely different....

Ok, I'm going to start this off by saying I breastfed both my kids. I have nothing against breastfeeding. I have nothing against breastfeeding in public. Are you with me so far? Good. What I DO have a problem with is this new doll, the Breast Milk Baby:

Weird pic courtesy of cdn.trendhunterstatic.com
Our daughters grow up way too fast as it is. I want my kids to stay kids for as long as possible. I want them to enjoy their youth while they can and NOT be forced to grow up too fast. But this doll??? This is just beyond me. There's not enough snark in the world to let you know how effing ridiculous I think this is. What in the wide world of sports were the manufacturers thinking? What mother would BUY this atrocity for her daughter? Oh and if we're being PC here, why not market it to boys too? Boys won't ever have the pleasure of having their little nipples chewed on by a hungry baby, so why not put a little BOY on the box and use the slogan: Now even little Tommy can pretend he's little Mommy!! 

Seriously, this is an actual paragraph from the website:

The Breast Milk Baby simulates the breast-feeding process by including a fashionable halter-top that a young girl can put on like a vest and when she brings the Breast Milk Baby doll’s mouth up to the pretty flower decoration on the vest the doll makes a soft, suckling sound. The two flowers on the halter are positioned where the nipples would be and when the mouth of the doll is brought close to the embedded sensors in the flower, the baby makes motions and suckling sounds. After the feeding motion the doll makes crying sounds to be burped and swaddled.

Isn't that discriminatory against young boys? Why not have Cowboys and Indians on the fashionable halter-top simulating nipples instead of flowers? (Oh, because Cowboys and Indians aren't PC anymore either.) Why can't boys AND girls breastfeed? Oh yeah, because NEITHER of them can produce breast milk. Because they are CHILDREN. And CHILDREN shouldn't have to grow up too fast. When I was a kid, Baby Alive was all the rage. She peed and pooped after you fed her. I was completely grossed out by that. Why? Because I was a KID. What kid do you know WANTS to see a dirty, shitty, smelly diaper? And what child has gone to his/her mother and said "Wow Mommy, I wish I could produce milk, I wish MY breasts would become so engorged with milk that they feel like two giant freaing water balloons on the verge of bursting, I wish I could have milk leaking out of my boobies at the most inopportune times. I wish I knew what it felt like to have a baby with razor-sharp teeth gnawing at two of the most sensitive parts of my body." I'll tell you who. NO ONE.

And on another really bizarre subject, sort of related, this was brought to my attention the same night this Breast Milk Baby was: Woman Breastfeeds Her Pug


You read that right. From the Huffington Post Weird News, this woman didn't breastfeed her own children (and there is NOTHING wrong with NOT breastfeeding your babies either, so don't get your panties in a bunch) but she DID feed her pug, Spider, for 2 years. 

Weirder pic courtesy of gawkerassets.com
Seriously. I cannot make this shit up. Her pug. She breastfed her pug. What is the world coming to???

In other boob news, how about the 51-year old woman in Washington who reportedly used her breasts to try to kill her boyfriend in a fight. And apparently she was pretty successful, seeing as he died. Of suffocation. That's a new way of using sex as a weapon. Death by boobage.


And, dear friends, I leave you with one last, bizarre story (as if those three up there weren't bizarre enough for you. How about Nermin Keating swallowing her dentures? Yep. Swallowed all 11 of her teefies. And the doctors didn't catch it. FOUR times. The first three times, the doctors told her it was a lung infection. One of my favorite parts of the article is when the daughter, Umit (yes, Umit.  Do you think I'm smart enough to make up that name? You give me too much credit) said that after the first doctor said it was a lung infection, her mother continued to have problems, 'especially when eating'. Really?? The woman has no top teeth!!!! I'd call that a problem! But lucky for Nermin (really? Nermin??) apparently, the fourth time is the charm, because some bright young doctor finally was able to stick some forceps down her old gullet and grab those dentures and pull them to safety.

I love a happy ending. They do too. Just look at how happy they are!
Photo courtesy faildaily.blogspot.com

                       


50 comments:

  1. So she didn't realize her top teeth were missing? That could have maybe been a clue to point the doc's in the right direction.

    The rest is pretty weird too.

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    1. Can you imagine having throat/chest pain at the EXACT same time you lose your teeth?? Seriously? 2+2??

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  2. naziwhackjobrunningcrackhoJanuary 19, 2013 at 6:06 PM

    LOL HIlarious..you got to be kidding me.

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    1. Lisa, you know I can't make this stuff up.

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  3. OMG!!!!! Breast Feeding Baby Dog Dies Due to Dentures.

    I think I just peed my pants.

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    1. Now THAT would make for a fantastic blog, Joy!

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  4. OMG! I don't know...are you sure you didn't make this stuff up?! You ARE pretty good. LOL
    Next they will have barbies giving birth to babies...wait they already have those as well..SMH

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    1. I WISH I was clever enough to make this stuff up, Amy, I'd be freaking rich.

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  5. Omit: Possibly the worst name ever. Breast feeding baby--definitely the worst doll ever! Thanks for the laugh!

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  6. Unless this doll pukes, sh*ts and resents you for your questionable life choices, I'm not impressed. Although it did my heart good to read about the death by boobs woman. It's nice to know I have options.

    For you, I found this little gem of a story. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do...

    http://thestir.cafemom.com/entertainment/149866/kourtney_kardashian_refuses_to_wear

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    1. Thanks Holly! That's going up on FB now. :)

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  7. That doll is clearly the most disturbing toy ever made. EVER. How 'bout this idea? Tiny, child sized stirrups so they can be JUST LIKE MOMMY and play "pap smear". Too far?

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    1. I'll call Hasbro in the morning!! You could just be onto something! And we could have Petey Proctologist dolls, turn your head and cough!

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  8. Hilarious!!!
    Oh and the breastfeeding baby doll....horrible!

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  9. I heard about the doll on the radio and seriously? We do not need to be having little girls focusing on this! CRAZY!

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    1. They already grow up too fast, don't they Jules?

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  10. I can't decide which is worse: Nermin Munster or booby baby?! Holy mother of pug! Teri, I am laughing so hard right now that my husband is looking at me as if I may need medication!

    And, BTW, you are totally smart enough to come up with the name Umit, but the shit in this post is too unbelievable to be made up, girlie. :)

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    1. Thanks Christina!!I take that as a high compliment coming from you! :)

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  11. I would never actually buy that doll, but after i had my son my 2 year old daughter pretended to breast feed her dolls. I really don't see what the big deal is, would you rather have your kid playing with slutty bratz dolls? To me pretending to breastfeed your doll is not that different from bottle feeding a doll. It doesn't force little girls to grow up sexually, but teaches them to grow up to be a mommy.

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    1. My kids had slutty Bratz dolls and they played with them for about 3 minutes. They were a waste of money and so are the breastfeeding dolls. Any little girl (or boy) can pretend to breast feed without the use of a cute little halter with sensors at the nipples and the sound of sucking.

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  12. I just got a headache, reading this!!! Are people seriously that insane...no, don't answer that! :D

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    1. Hmmm...why not have a doll who cries every two hours, or which poops some real smelly stuff or who spits up?!! That'll also help them grow up to be mommies, if that's the goal!! Sheesh!!!

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  13. Yikes, its like one of those Saturday Night Live fake commercials. Scary!

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    1. I wish it was Kelley, but then I wouldn't have a good topic to skewer!!

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  14. Ok, now, I've always referred to my cats as my daughters, but this... No.

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    1. LOL Jenn. Guess you're not THAT close, huh?

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  15. Hmmm... I see a regular segment: The Boob News. It could refer to breasts and people who are just boobs.

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  16. I threaten to suffocate with the girls Hubbs all the time... nice to know it's possible. :)

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    Replies
    1. You can do anything you set your mind (and your boobs) to!

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  17. the craziest are coming out of the woodwork!! I am continually stunned at the need to make children act like adults! is the slutty clothing industry just not enough?

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  18. I disgusted on so many levels. I don't even know where to start. The breast feed baby...seriously it has to be a joke. No mother/father would buy this. The pug, don't even go there. I love dogs but THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL!!! Something is seriously wrong these people & the dentures women well that just deserves one word....stupid.

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    1. Scary how we find morons all around but they do make for entertaining blogs.

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  19. I'm about as gung-ho about breastfeeding as you can get and I don't like the doll at all. My daughter pretends to breastfeed her dolls all the time and that's seriously fine. I wouldn't buy her one of these dolls.

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    1. Exactly, Claudia. There's nothing wrong with pretending, but buying a doll is just a bit of overkill.

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  20. Gawd - it is a crazy, crazy world. This is just wacko. And the pug lady? Holy shit! I have pugs. I love those little gargoyles but there is no way I would ever...eeewww....can't even finish the sentence. And they've got some teeth on them. Just sayin'.

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    1. Makes my nipples sore just thinking about it!

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  21. Breast feeding your dog???? No. Just....no.

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  22. Oh, God, I had a Baby Alive, and she truly was awful, but this doll is taking things way too far. Ick. Just, ick.

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    1. I remember that and yes, that was bad. This is horrific.

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  23. How do you even find this shit? So SO Awesome!
    Thanks for Hooking up again..

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  24. Good lord. Each of your stories was more unbelievable than the last. But the breastfed pug has to be the grossest. I was bitten by my kiddos a few times - hope that woman had her rabies shot!

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