And now for something completely different....

Ok, I'm going to start this off by saying I breastfed both my kids. I have nothing against breastfeeding. I have nothing against breastfeeding in public. Are you with me so far? Good. What I DO have a problem with is this new doll, the Breast Milk Baby:

Weird pic courtesy of cdn.trendhunterstatic.com

Our daughters grow up way too fast as it is. I want my kids to stay kids for as long as possible. I want them to enjoy their youth while they can and NOT be forced to grow up too fast. But this doll??? This is just beyond me. There's not enough snark in the world to let you know how effing ridiculous I think this is. What in the wide world of sports were the manufacturers thinking? What mother would BUY this atrocity for her daughter? Oh and if we're being PC here, why not market it to boys too? Boys won't ever have the pleasure of having their little nipples chewed on by a hungry baby, so why not put a little BOY on the box and use the slogan: Now even little Tommy can pretend he's little Mommy!! 

Seriously, this is an actual paragraph from the website:

The Breast Milk Baby simulates the breast-feeding process by including a fashionable halter-top that a young girl can put on like a vest and when she brings the Breast Milk Baby doll’s mouth up to the pretty flower decoration on the vest the doll makes a soft, suckling sound. The two flowers on the halter are positioned where the nipples would be and when the mouth of the doll is brought close to the embedded sensors in the flower, the baby makes motions and suckling sounds. After the feeding motion the doll makes crying sounds to be burped and swaddled.

Isn't that discriminatory against young boys? Why not have Cowboys and Indians on the fashionable halter-top simulating nipples instead of flowers? (Oh, because Cowboys and Indians aren't PC anymore either.) Why can't boys AND girls breastfeed? Oh yeah, because NEITHER of them can produce breast milk. Because they are CHILDREN. And CHILDREN shouldn't have to grow up too fast. When I was a kid, Baby Alive was all the rage. She peed and pooped after you fed her. I was completely grossed out by that. Why? Because I was a KID. What kid do you know WANTS to see a dirty, shitty, smelly diaper? And what child has gone to his/her mother and said "Wow Mommy, I wish I could produce milk, I wish MY breasts would become so engorged with milk that they feel like two giant freaing water balloons on the verge of bursting, I wish I could have milk leaking out of my boobies at the most inopportune times. I wish I knew what it felt like to have a baby with razor-sharp teeth gnawing at two of the most sensitive parts of my body." I'll tell you who. NO ONE.

And on another really bizarre subject, sort of related, this was brought to my attention the same night this Breast Milk Baby was: Woman Breastfeeds Her Pug

You read that right. From the Huffington Post Weird News, this woman didn't breastfeed her own children (and there is NOTHING wrong with NOT breastfeeding your babies either, so don't get your panties in a bunch) but she DID feed her pug, Spider, for 2 years. 

Weirder pic courtesy of gawkerassets.com

Seriously. I cannot make this shit up. Her pug. She breastfed her pug. What is the world coming to???

In other boob news, how about the 51-year old woman in Washington who reportedly used her breasts to try to kill her boyfriend in a fight. And apparently she was pretty successful, seeing as he died. Of suffocation. That's a new way of using sex as a weapon. Death by boobage.

And, dear friends, I leave you with one last, bizarre story (as if those three up there weren't bizarre enough for you. How about Nermin Keating swallowing her dentures? Yep. Swallowed all 11 of her teefies. And the doctors didn't catch it. FOUR times. The first three times, the doctors told her it was a lung infection. One of my favorite parts of the article is when the daughter, Umit (yes, Umit.  Do you think I'm smart enough to make up that name? You give me too much credit) said that after the first doctor said it was a lung infection, her mother continued to have problems, 'especially when eating'. Really?? The woman has no top teeth!!!! I'd call that a problem! But lucky for Nermin (really? Nermin??) apparently, the fourth time is the charm, because some bright young doctor finally was able to stick some forceps down her old gullet and grab those dentures and pull them to safety.

I love a happy ending. They do too. Just look at how happy they are!

Photo courtesy faildaily.blogspot.com