Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Trick or Treat?

So just how old is too old to go trick or treating in your opinion? Last year 15 and 13 stayed home and handed out candy with me, and the year before we were in DC because hubby and I ran the Marine Corps Marathon which was on Halloween. So this year, I've got a 15 year old who wants to go trick or treating BUT it's for Unicef for the Key Club. 13 wants to go trick or treating with her best girl friend.

Image courtesy of the wonderful internet

I've always had a dislike for older kids showing up on my doorstep with a flannel shirt, jeans and a pillow case. They come to the door and look at me. They don't say "Trick or Treat" or "Eat Shit" they just look at me as if to say "Well, bitch what are you waiting for? Gimme the candy." Honestly can't stand that. For crying out loud, at least TRY. Put on a mask, say something. But no. No costume, no plea for candy, and no "Thank you" when they do get candy. I won't allow either of my girls to ever do this. They were raised better. But when do you say enough is enough to your kids? Do I say 'no, you're too old' when all of their friends are showing up at my door? Granted, their friends ARE dressed in costume and most are respectful, but that makes me the grouchy old mom who won't let her kids go trick or treating.

What's a mother to do? What do YOU do? How old is too old, in your opinion?

As an aside (cuz you know I'm FULL of asides) a few years back we did Shep or Treat at Shepherd University here in town with 13's old Girl Scout troop and the kids went trick or treating in the dorms. Now, I'm not sure where they get the idea that college kids have enough money to buy treats to give out, but this one poor kid had given out all the candy he had bought and had resorted to handing out Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme cookies, and when he ran out of those, it was Ramen and Pop-Tarts for everyone. I believe we depleted his food budget for an entire semester.

Whatever you decide to do tonight, be safe, don't eat all your kids' candy, and Happy Halloween!

Image courtesy: cinemadan.com
I got a rock.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I'm Getting Around!

I'm proud to be a part of a brand new site called The Epistolarians. I'm even MORE excited to say that I've got a blog featured on that site as of today. Go have a look and after you read my blog post there, take a look around the site and leave some comments. Hope you'll book mark it and go back to visit it frequently.

Take a look at The Epistolarians, and read my blog, Preparing for Doom.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Songs for the School Bus

Songs. Music. What would life be like without music? I know in our house, it would suck.  My alarm clock rouses me out of sleep with music, not a nasty buzzer. 15's is the same way. 13 sleeps with the radio on. We love music. First thing we do when we get in the car is to find our favorite song on XM. 34,953 stations, that damn song has to be on ONE of them! 15 is in the marching band, jazz band and symphonic band at her high school, and 13 is in band and jazz band in her middle school. Simply put, music is a huge part of life at Casa Snarkfest.

I don't have a musical bone in my body. But I do have a sarcastic streak (no really! I'm serious!) And I'm fairly creative. And devious. So I put all of those talents to good use, strictly for motivational purposes. Let me 'splain.

When 15 started middle school, and her bus came an hour and a half earlier than it did when she was in elementary school, we began to have some trouble with her making the bus. Many many times I'd end up driving her to school, or worse, making her walk! The school is almost exactly 1 mile from our house. We have no sidewalks here in the little burg in which we live, and there is one pretty nasty busy road, so I'd walk with her. But it was a pain in the ass to have to walk my kid to school because I had other things going on. I had another kid who needed to get up and get ready for school, I had to get ready for work. The world did NOT revolved around her. Call me selfish, I don't care. I needed to get her to get motivated to make the bus to school on time. 

Enter music. I've often said I'm a font of useless information, and I have a history of remembering song lyrics from songs I haven't heard in 30 years, so I used this super power of mine to create little ditties to motivate her. I'd take a song and change the lyrics to either celebrate her making the bus or lament her missing it.

When 13 entered middle school last year, 15 was entering high school, and now I had 2 who had to make a 7:00 a.m. bus. The challenges of raising teens. The drama, the heartache, the fighting, the clothes. WHO KNEW I'd also have the dreaded school bus to deal with too? THAT wasn't in the handbook! So when 13 started missing HER bus, I started adding her to the songs. 


Did I mention they HATE it? HATE may not even be strong enough. Because I put these songs on Facebook each morning. And my friends saw them. And their friends saw it. And their friends' parents. And their teachers. And when these outsiders would say something to 15 & 13, they'd come home aggravated. "Mom, would you PLEASE stop putting your songs on Facebook??" Sure, I'd say, just start making the bus and I'll stop.

But they didn't. And I didn't. It's not always easy. Once that last school bus leaves my driveway, I have to come up with clever lyrics to your favorite songs. I do not plan these in advance. Honestly. I sit down with my coffee, stare at my screen and hum tunes in my head. Sometimes I come up completely blank and the creative juices do not flow. It's on occasions like that when this is about all I can come up with:

This is the way they make the bus
Without a fuss
Without a cuss
This is the way they make the bus
so early, Monday morning.

Other times I get something awesome in my head and know exactly what I'm going to write. Here's one from this morning:

I awakened their lazy butts
I told them both to shower off
They made their buses and 
Blew me one last kiss

They didn't give me a hard time
I'm checking the basement for pods
They made their buses and
Blew me one last kiss

*Pink - Blow Me One Last Kiss

My one problem is this: once I write it out on FB, I hit 'enter' and that's the end. It's out there for everyone to see and I move on with my day. I don't keep track of them. Sometimes I use them more than once and this is only because I have forgotten that I've done them. I really should start keeping these in a file somewhere in case there is a book in my future. 


I'm also interested in taking suggestions. I promise, anyone offering suggestions will get full credit for their ideas. I may even pay you in donuts or beer. So let's have them! Tell me a good song, change the lyrics. Did they make it? Did they miss it? Show me something clever. And Blow Me One Last Kiss.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Some awesome news and even awesomer bloggers!

Check out the really nice blog post about Snarkfest from the lovely Judy Susan over at Running Toward the Light Without Spilling My Drink. What a sweetheart she is! I'm speechless (and those of you who know me know that this is something that's next to impossible to do!)

Also on my cool chicks list today is Michelle from You're My Favorite Today, who gave me a shout out on her blog as she received the Liebster Award. Thanks Michelle!

While I'm doling out the Kudos to some of my favorite people, let me also take the time to say hey and howdy to Jenn over at My Daily Jenn-isms who is one of the most generous, sweet ladies out there whether it's in the blogosphere or in real life. She takes the time every Wednesday to pimp out a new page each hour on her FB page. She truly cares about other people and for that, I thank her!

Some other totally cool chicks I'd love to mention are Evil Joy, of Evil Joy Speaks, Stef of Mom-Spirational, Rebecca of Frugalista Blog, the lovely Slacker Mom, the always sweet Dina of A Plucky Procrastinator, the always awesome Christina of Riding The Crazy Train: Diary of a Delirous Mom, the lovely and delicious Tracy of Momaical, and the profoundly tasty Katie of Somewhat Sane Mom.

By no means are these the only ladies that I love to follow, but I'm at work and should be concentrating on looking for oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico and not gushing about fantastic bloggers, but darn it, I can't help it. They are awesome.

Now go have yourself an amazing Monday.

And yes, that's an oxymoron.

Friday, October 19, 2012

What the HELL is wrong with me??

UPDATED 10/20:

No real changes. The hall upstairs did get cleaned and vacuumed (not by me, I have 13 to thank for that). And the guest room IS clean (not by me, I've got 48 to thank for that). I did vacuum the 467 lbs of dog and cat hair from the steps, but that was it.

I did get a nice run in this morning with the Nazicrackho, and am spending tomorrow at Notaviva winery in Northern Virginia with Nazi and Susan. Looking forward to that!!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. :)




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It happened again this morning. I swear, I have never had an issue with ADD, ADHD, never been very easily distracted (oh a kitty!) but in the past two weeks, this has happened to me:
 
My counter this morning.
My floor last weekend

My counter last weekend
I keep forgetting to put the actual COFFEE MUG under the spout to catch the freshly brewed coffee that comes pouring out of the Keurig. Back in the age of dinosaurs and Mr. Coffee makers, I never forgot to put the glass carafe under the basket before turning on the power, so someone needs to 'splain to me why I'm having issue with my Keurig. I got it as either a Mother's Day gift or for my birthday, (memory escapes me, go figure) and up until last week I NEVER forgot to put a mug under the spout. Now I've done it twice. My thought process was as follows:

Coffee, mmmmm good, hot, fresh coffee. I'll just put the water in, then put the K-Cup in. Then I'll turn on the power button and make good, hot, fresh coffee. Oh, I need to make lunches, so I'll lay out 4 slices of bread for sandwiches. Ooooooh no, no clean knives in the silverware drawer, I'll have to empty the dishwasher. Yay, dishwasher emptied, now let me get a knife and start making the san...... Oh SHIT!!!!!! The bread did manage to soak up a good bit of the coffee that came out of my Keurig and onto my counter. That's positive, right??

In other news, I've given up cleaning my house. More specifically, the mess NOT made by me. Let me explain. I live in a dumpster. My children KNOW how to put a dish in the sink or dishwasher, they just choose NOT to. Don't ask me why. 15 has been told, pretty much on a daily basis, to remove her clothes from the floor in the bathroom once she's finished showering. And yet, she forgets to do this. Every. Single. Day. They bring cups of juice, soda, milk, whatever up to their rooms or into the family room and once the cup is empty, that spot becomes the cup's permanent home until I do a sweep of the room prior to running the dishwasher. But no more. I'm done. I sent this email to my family yesterday. I have not yet gotten back any response.

Dear Husband, 15 & 13,

This morning, I was in the family room and looked at the end tables and saw a bowl, a yogurt cup and spoon, 3 popsicle sticks and 3 different drinking cups. I started to clean them up and thought, 'why am I doing this? I did not make this mess'.

Here is my issue. When I am finished with
a dish, a coffee mug or a cup, I put it either in the sink, on the counter or in the dishwasher if it's empty. I do NOT, however, leave it lying on a table in another room for someone else to clean up. So why, then, is it MY responsibility to clean up after everyone else who chooses to leave all these dishes, plates, cups, trash lying all over the house??? Cheese stick wrappers on my computer desk?? Go-gurt wrappers on the stairs?? Really?? Why is this my job to clean that up???

Grandma and Grandpa are coming on Saturday and staying overnight. The upstairs hallway, no matter how much I try to keep it clear, once again has clothes strewn all over the place. And don't even get me started on the bed that those two will have to sleep on. Clothes that get washed, dried and piled. There is NO follow through. It is JUST as easy to fold each load as it comes out of the dryer. That's what I do. Fold and sort and distribute. It takes a few extra minutes but it gets RID of the 'pile it on the dryer or the guest bed for someone else to deal with' step. Because it always seems to fall on MY shoulders to deal with that step and I'm pretty sick and tired of it.

Family, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. We are all FAR too busy in our lives to let this stuff pile up, because then it becomes a burden for one person (ME) to get it all clean before someone comes over and, God forbid, sees just what pigs we are. I am not saying that I am blameless in any of this, and I have allowed it to continue. But I'm so over and done with cleaning up after 3 other perfectly healthy human beings.

15, you borrowed $15 from a teammate to buy a shirt today at Regionals, after I had given you $25 this morning. Your first response "What about the $12 daddy said he had"
  and when I asked how you planned on paying her back you responded: "Can I please have an allowance like everyone else??"

Now, I put this to you. Why would I even THINK of paying anyone money to put their stuff all over the place and expect me to clean it up?? I would be
absolutely MORE than happy to give each child $10 each week as allowance, provided I think that they have earned it. But I'd rather spend $100 a month on hiring a cleaning lady to do the work instead of giving my children money for doing absolutely NOTHING. At least a cleaning lady is earning it.

If you want the house to look presentable for Grandma and Grandpa, you will have to clean it up yourselves. I volunteered to work in concessions to earn money so we don't have to shell out hundreds of dollars for 15's band. If I stay home and clean, it's more money we have to put out when we have clearly been trying to STOP spending unnecessary money.

If they show up on Saturday and the house is a mess, I'm not making apologies or excuses. I'm just going to say the house is a mess because the
person that is responsible for cleaning it got sick of cleaning messes she did not make.


Mom

When I got home from concessions last night, this is what I found on the end table mentioned above:
Mess that has been sitting on my end table for at least 3 days

Again, none of this is mine. Notice that the yogurt container is gone. Hubby got rid of that, because that was his mess. Is it just me?



Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Lovely!



The lovely and talented menopausalmomma has generously included me in her list of awards from this weekend. She has bestowed upon me the Lovely Blog Award and for that I give her tons of hugs and a big wet sloppy kiss!!! Please go give her some loving when you can, she's a blast. <3

 Here are the rules:
  • Post the award logo in your post and thank the amazing, beautiful, witty, charming and talented blogger who gave you the award.
  • Nominate 5 other deserving bloggers
  • List 7-15 random facts about yourself
So here are my nominees for the Lovely Blog Award:

Evil Joy Speaks
Mom-Spirational
Momaical
My Mom's A Whackjob!
Somewhat Sane Mom

And here are 7-15 random facts about yours truly:

  1. I'm snarky (I know, you're shocked, right??)
  2. I'm extremely short, 5'1" and I am covered in freckles
  3. I've hated my hair since I came out of the womb. HATE IT
  4. I should be working right now but I'm not (shhhh don't tell)
  5. I hate lima beans and brussel sprouts. A lot.
  6. I love cooking Thanksgiving dinner
  7. I REALLY love baking for the holidays. I'm great at cookies.
  8. I hate coming up with random facts about myself
  9. I made homemade mac and cheese with chopped ham for 13's birthday and it was goooood.
  10. I am the queen of holding grudges. I still hold a grudge for something that happened in 1988.
  11. I have a wicked good memory for movie quotes, and am a font of useless information.
  12. I've officially run out of random facts.




                                                                

Monday, October 15, 2012

My apologies? Not so fast......

First, let me start by rescinding the apology I made over the weekend to the good folks at the place I linked to in that blog that caused such an uproar. I pretty much caused someone's panties to get in a bunch. Not very positive. You know the blog of which I speak. Okay, I am hereby rescinding the apology that I typed out and posted on one of the co-founders' blogs because she said that I had 'laid hurt on' her heart. If you aren't sure wtf I'm talking about, go through the blogs I posted within the past few days, then scroll down and read one of the last comments posted, you'll see two different blogs mentioned in that comment, right before I swallowed my pride and got all weepy and sorry. Yeah, about that. I've decided that I'm NOT sorry I said what I said. What I AM sorry for is that people put themselves out there in the innerwebs, opening themselves up for all kinds of things, and then get all sad and sensitive when someone says a word against them. Here's a suggestion: grow a thicker skin. I was kind in my mocking. There are others out there that would be more than happy to give you a punch in the throat and not be sorry.

I went to the one blog and read what she had written about my 'cruelty' and about how what I said was 'thoughtless, careless and rude'. Now, me being the nice person I am (shut up) and not looking to get anyones' knickers in a twist, I apologized for hurting her feelings. I said that that was not my intent. But you know what? I shouldn't have to apologize for my opinion. And you know what else? It's been 3 days since I posted that apology in a comment and I have not seen one single acknowledgement regarding my words. If someone was thoughtless, careless and rude to me and I got all sad and weepy, and then they came back and apologized, I'd damn well acknowledge that apology. I'd at least say "Hey so and so, I appreciate your saying that you're sorry. I respect that you had the decency to come to MY page and publicly apologize to me for hurting my feelings." But I didn't even get so much as a "Hey Snarkfest, eat shit". So as I stated, I'm rescinding the apology. I'm not sorry. If you open yourself up to the world with an idea, you have to know that NOT everyone is going to say 'wow, that's brilliant, you're a genius, here's money to get it started.' If you believe that, you are living in fantasy land, so say hi to Mickey for me. As a matter of fact, when I initially saw the original idea for my blog post on that site, trying to raise money to make their dream a reality, they were only at $2600 in contributions. Now they are over $3200. I'd like to think that possibly my little controversy may have given them the sympathy donation and they've actually raised money because of my words. And she admitted that I taught her a lesson in empathy and living in choice. (Did I mention she's a life coach? That's a whole other blog post itself!)

Look, this is my blog. From here on out I will stand by what I say. I will make no apologies for voicing my opinions. If I think something is ridiculous, I'm going to say it, because that's who I am. I make no apologies for my opinions. I am a good person (shut up again) and I'm raising my kids to have a sense of humor. And I feel so badly for those who do not have one. You should get one. They're nice.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Happy Birthday, 13!!


Oh my God, I've got two teenagers. Today is 13's birthday. She can no longer be called my baby, because she is taller than I am and becoming an amazing young woman. 13 has a million friends and is such a ray of sunshine to everyone who knows her. She just finished up her volleyball season and will be starting her basketball season. She can out sport me in every single sport she plays. She can also out run me. She's lightning fast compared to old mom. We ran the Freedom's Run yesterday and she rocked it. Much like she rocks out loud at everything she does. I'm so proud of her, for everything she is, everything she does, who she's become and her amazing outlook on life. She brings so much fun to everything she takes on and makes it her own.

When I was in labor with 15, I told the husband that as much as I know we said we wanted two kids, I didn't think I could go through it all again, so maybe we should just settle for one child. I'm so glad I reconsidered, because I cannot imagine life without the incredible 13 in my world.
My adorable 13. Photo courtesy Kelley Craig Photography

13 and I at the Shepherdstown Rotary's 'Potato Drop', bagging sweet potatoes for the hungry.
13 singing the National Anthem at the 5K we organized in March when our original singer cancelled. She rocked it.

So here's to you, 13. Thank you for being such an incredible inspiration to me and your dad, for being your sister's sidekick and co-hort and for becoming such a great young lady. I love you to the moon and back.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Evil Joy Speaks....to Snarkfest



Hey it’s Teri here from Snarkfest and since I’ve got the perfect face for radio, I’m sitting down for a tell-all interview with my guest, Joy from Evil Joy Speaks. Since this week's Blogger Idol Play-at-Home Link-Up has us interviewing one another, Joy has graciously agreed to come in and have a face to face with me. So how are ya, Joy?

Joy: Fabulous - working on consuming my third can of that sweet nectar of life, Diet
Dew. I’ve got a female spawn doing homework at 5:45 am (because she forgot about it)
in the room with me and a pup asleep on my lap. How are you my dear Teri aka
Snarkfest?

Awesome, Joy, I’m doing great. Thanks for stopping by to see us. Now, the readers of your blog have written in and have a bunch of questions that they’d love to have answered, so are you ready to give your fans what they want?

Joy: Ohhh yaaahhh, you betcha.

Cool, so let’s get started. Oh this first one is interesting because I always say I married
my husband because he’s tall and can reach things on high shelves. Oh and he’s great
at killing bugs too. So how about you, Joy? Why did you marry Dr. Evil?

Joy: Well, I suppose I should say something sweet like he was the perfect boy for me.
But I think since I’m Evil Joy as well as Joy - I’m going with knowing he was smart and
would be able to program my contacts into my cell phone for me.

Gotta love a man who knows his technology. Okay, next question, which Halloween candy do you steal from your ‘Evil Spawn’ and why?

Joy: Oh this is easy. Snickers Bars, followed by other chocolate candy bars, followed
by anything chocolate at all. Then...we’ll move on to the fruity sugary stuff like Skittles.
I always leave them the crap candy.

However this year - I’m not sure what I’m going to do. In previous years we had a dog
Fizzgig aka Smooshie (because I smooshed him with my car) who literally would steal
and eat chocolate with no ill side effects - other than puking all over my house. So...I’d
totally blame the dog if too much candy was gone. He couldn’t speak to point out my
LIE! But now....I’m not sure which dog I’ll blame it on....

I’m totally cool with taking the chocolate and blaming it on my hubby,
much like I blame the dog for any farts that happen to occur when someone else is in
the room with me. Which ties in perfectly with our next question: Do you fart in front of
your spouse? If you do, who gets the blame?

Joy: Nope! I worry it’ll be more of a shart. But evidently I do in my sleep because he
teases me about it. However, he’s the Fart Master in our family followed by Eldest
Female Spawn (age 9).

Where did you come up with your spawns’ names? Was it more fun to name your kids
or your pets? Who do you like to hang out with more? The kids or the pets?

Joy: Let’s see - 1st one - just liked it. 2nd one - 1st one chose it at age 2. We said
‘Baby Sister was born.’ He yelled, “NO Baby Female Spawn was born.”....
Third one - from a movie - if her hair had been red, it would have been slightly different.
Fourth one - we just liked it.

Dogs - more fun because it’s less important. And you get to do it more often as they
typically live longer than the spawn. We’ve had Einstein, Fizzgig, Shadow and now
Burton. Einstein - we’re geeks. Fizzgig - from the Dark Crystal. Shadow from some kid
movie. Burton because we got him and then bought six snowboards and assorted gear,
mainly Burton brand and we liked it.

As far as hanging out - I would say it depends. If the spawn are being annoying - I’ll
take puppy and dog any day. If puppy is sharting all over the carpet, the spawn don’t
seem so bad.

I hear ya. There are days when I can stand the kids more than the dogs. Then there are other days when I’d like to lock the kids in the crate and just chill with the dogs.  I’ve got a cat named Dumbass and that name fits her much better than her given name of Cinnamon. I’ve got a dog named Henry whose name fits him perfectly, he’s a true Henry. His brother is Cosmo, named for the fairy, Cosmo, from the Nickelodeon show The Fairly Oddparents. Cosmo is truly the perfect name for that boy, he loves shiny things and will stare at the wall where there once was something shiny for hours and hours.

Alright, next question: What is the most embarrassing thing you would do to your own
spawn and how much fun would it be?

Joy: I CAN’T WAIT to show the baby pictures to their future dates. Although that scares
me - Dates - yikes. I think it’ll be great to show the ones of them doing silly things like
locking themselves in the dog kennel....yeah yeah...they put themselves in there....
And there’s always the diapered pictures.

That - and I would love to write a book about all the crap they’ve done. ALL they’ve
done. Suckers.....I think they’d behave more if they knew I took notes.

I’m sure they’ll LOVE it when the truth comes out.  Personally I embarrass my own offspring daily by posting the ‘did they or didn’t they make the school bus’ song update. They truly hate it. I make up a song (actually I just take a song and change the lyrics around to indicate whether or not they made the bus) and post it on Facebook each day. 15’s band director was trying to get her to stop talking while out on the marching field last week and he said “Am I going to have to write a song about you?” THAT shut her up quickly.

So I hear that you’re a runner, me too. Now, do you run to work out and be healthy or do
you run just to say that you run and so you can get the damn shirts from the races to
wear in public so people know you run? Personally, I run for the t-shirt and the free beer
at the finish line.

Joy: Dude - I’m allllll about the shirts. Sweatshirts are even better. And the only thing I
like shopping for for myself is running shoes. Healthy smealthy. I like to eat. I run so I
can eat and wear fun ‘free’ shirts - I pay to run - not for the shirts....they’re free - yeah
free. And the beer’s not bad either!

Speaking of beer, what is your beverage of choice? Personally, I dig red wine. In mass
quantities. I know you’re not much of a coffee drinker, which is fine, because that’s more
for me. Because in the morning, without coffee, I could easily take out a school bus full
of handicapped nuns if they look at me the wrong way.

Joy: Let me know if you run low, and I’ll send you a membership to the Coffee Drinker
of the World club so you never ever run out. Without the nuns, I’d be a lost Catholic.
Save the Nuns!!

Without the Diet Dew, the safety of my community is at stake. It is a requirement for
national security and safety. Any diet caffeinated soda pop will work. But when I want
to have fun - I love margaritas. With lots of salt. And if we’re talking beer - it’s got to be
some Blue Moon with my fruit salad of oranges. None of this skinny slice of orange
crap - bring on the SLICES.

LOVE me some Blue Moon! You’ve got great taste in beers, even if you like them all fruity and girly. Now, if you could do anything in the world, anything at all, what would your dream
job be? Doesn’t matter if it’s real or made up. Like, if I could sit in my house and stroke
the soft fuzzy fur of baby bunnies all day and get paid for it, I’m all over it. How about
you?

Joy: We so are soul sisters. Soft furry animals..... I would pilot my own plane and fly
around the world delivering puppies. I’ve always (in real life) wanted to be a pilot. And
since it’s anything at all - I’d own my own plane and landing strip (and gas station). And
what’s more fun than delivering puppies? Seriously!!!?!

That sounds like an awesome job! How about this question: if you could be any cartoon
character, which would you be? If you could get rid of any cartoon character, who would
you off, and why?

Joy: I sort of dig the Road Runner. I like his sounds. Meep Meep! I like that he runs
and outsmarts the other guy. Frequently.

And I’d have to off.....it sounds bad but...Caillou. I CANNOT stand that whiney kid’s
voice. My spawn have all had an affinity for him and man - there is nothing worse than
hearing Caillou before ingesting the sweet nectar of life. He has a bowling ball for a
head and apparently will never grow any hair. WTHeck?

I’ve heard there are tons of people on the Down with Caillou bandwagon. Personally, I’d take out those damn Teletubbies. I’ve hated them since 15 was 2. And if I could be any cartoon character, I’d be Snoopy. I’ve always loved Snoopy and really, who wouldn’t want to nap on top of a doghouse that doubles as a Sopwith Camel??

Ok last and final question, what’s your favorite position?

Joy: Let’s see. I’m freaky flexible so there’s all sorts of possibilities. Dr. Evil enjoys the
calf stretch I do prior to running. I enjoy the ‘runner’s stretch.‘ How about you!?

Oh I’m partial to the downward dog, LOVE stretching out the back and the hammies.

Well folks, that’s all the time we have for Evil Joy but don’t forget to check out her blog, Evil Joy Speaks. She’s awesome and funny and it’s been a pleasure to have her on my show. Joy, have an awesome day!

Positive Panties

Oh for the love of Mike, what will they think of next?? My friend Siobhan sent me a link to this site because she knows how much I love to mock things. This one did not disappoint. Let's start at the beginning. This website, Kickstarter, is a great way for inventors to get their inventions noticed and raise some capital to get stuff done. If you're looking to make the next self-cleaning diaper/waffle-iron but you don't have the cash, you can throw it up on Kickstarter and try to raise the money. Now Siobhan comes across this little nugget (I actually didn't ask her how she found it, was she looking new ways to stay positive or just in the marker for new panties??) and sends me the link to Positive Panties. The tagline is a little disturbing: Curing crabbiness one sweet ass at a time. 

Now, call me crazy, but seriously, I never want to see the word panties and anything associated with crabs in the same sentence. That right there could be a deal breaker. How do you know that the positive panties you're backing aren't going to end up giving people positively itchy pubes?? Scroll down a little and you'll see a little background on the soul sisters who came up with the idea of Positive Panties, and they are admittedly 'dancing-in-our-seats-giddy' to share the idea with their community. How sure are we that that's not the crabs making them dance in their seats???

Keep reading, it gets better. That's right, when you're having a shit start to the morning, all grumpy and cranky, you open your panty drawer and spot those Positive Panties and all at once 'the bricks on your heart start breaking off and falling to the ground'. Wow, those are some damn powerful undies. And if you continue to scroll down past the 'ask', you'll see prototype positive panty pictures. The first pic just confuses me. The words across the front of these skivvies says: You are a mega fuck ton of awesome.  What the hell does that mean?? A mega fuck ton? I'm putting out a request right now of all my Snarkfest readers to PLEASE explain to me what a mega fuck ton of awesome is. Because dammit, I want to be THAT awesome!

One of their first goals (if you send them enough money to make these mega fuck ton of awesome panties) is to make them in plus sizes. Yay! Is that so people who are two mega fuck tons of awesome won't feel left out? And if you're looking for stocking stuffers for Christmas, look no further. These knickers are 'highly giftable!' Won't mom be so happy to know that she 'is going to rock this day so hard'? (another slogan across the panties).

Okay in all seriousness, I've got to give these ladies credit where credit is due. Not everyone would take their idea to the internet looking for public backing for what is, undoubtedly, an original idea: Power to make your day positive from wearing the right underwear. I applaud their spunk (sorry, bad pun) and tenacity in wanting to get these panty-thingies made. I wish them the best of luck in their endeavor and maybe one day, someone will surprise me with panties that tell me how hard I'm going to rock the day! Just make sure to wash them first. I hate crabby panties.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Thoughts from running in the rain...

So I went for a nice, long run yesterday afternoon. It was 46 degrees, rainy and cold. The whole time. When I finished my run, I couldn't feel my hands, but my head was clear, and I thought about a million things in those 2+ hours that I spent alone in the cold and rain.

I left with one specific goal in mind: I needed to tackle a hill. You see, I'm running the Freedoms Run Half Marathon this Saturday here in Shepherdstown, and it's second only to the Cincinnati Flying Pig half marathon when it comes to hills. I'm not sure how, but the Pig is 11 miles up hill, and 2 miles down. Don't ask me, I don't know how they work that, I just know I've done it twice and that was enough for me. No, the Freedoms Run is not as bad as Cincy, but it's a rough one. And the last hill I actually tackled was during the Tough Mudder last month in Frederick, MD. And by hill, I mean a wall of hay bales that I had to climb over. So I had some work to do. Luckily, it was just me, some cows and my thoughts.

I ran along the C & O Canal for a little over a mile and a half and as I approached the main hill that I wanted to tackle, Miller's Sawmill Road, I began to think about how lucky I am. I have some amazing friends. As I started up the beast that is Sawmill, I thought back to Friday night, traveling up to Philly and visiting with my best friend Mandie. We talk every day, but see each other far less than that. We were pregnant with out first babies together, and they were born 5 weeks apart. We lived together for awhile before there were husbands or kids in the picture, just cats. And we've remained close for years. I don't see her nearly enough but in our hearts, we know how much we love each other. And the thought of that love for my best friend got me to the top of Sawmill. And I felt so good, I decided to keep running, rather than turn back around and descend that hill.

Photo courtesy: Wunderground.com
On I ran, into the Antietam National Battlefield. As I chugged along THOSE hills, I thought about how I spent Saturday. The girls and I left Mandie's and went to visit with my brother, whom I have always looked up to and admired. My girls adore my brother and his family and it was great to see them again. From there, we headed down to Atlantic City to see my mom. Mom is in her 70's now and suffering from COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). Mom used to be very active and was always running here or there. She hated driving and pretty much gave it up when I got my drivers license. No, mom always like walking places. If she had errands to run, she'd grab her pocketbook and head out on foot to wherever the day took her. Sadly, these days, she rarely ventures outside. Walking into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee leaves her struggling to catch her breath and she is on pretty much constant oxygen now. And as I ran the hills at Antietam Battlefield, I thought about how lucky I am that I've got strong legs to carry me over those hills and strong lungs to allow me to run, unencumbered, by bronchial issues. My heart breaks for my mom because she hates being cooped up AND baseball season is over for her beloved Phillies. So she pretty much stays in her apartment resting in her retirement, unable to really run around like she used to. And as I hit mile 7 yesterday, I finished up the last hill in the battlefield and headed back toward Sawmill, feeling great and happy that I'm healthy enough now to complete such an undertaking, when I know my mom would never again even be able to walk those hills. Not with her walker, not with an oxygen tank. Not ever.

It was so hard to leave my mom on Sunday because it's so hard to get back to see her with 15 & 12's sports and activity schedule, but looking back now, I know we need to get back more often, because I don't know how many more visits there will be. And as we left her apartment building, I cried. I cried because I miss my mom and it gets harder and harder to leave her with each visit. And as I ran down Sawmill, trying to feel my thumbs, and trying to keep from rolling down like a giant bowling ball, I laughed at myself for being such an emotional goof. And I promised myself that I will call my mom everyday, just like I used to when I lived back in Jersey.

And once I arrived at the bottom of the beast, I had about a mile and a half to finish on the Canal before I could be warm and dry in the comfort of my car. While I ran that last bit, I thought of how we spent Sunday night, in the company of our old neighbors. Our warm, caring old neighbors, with whom we'd spent countless days and nights, sitting on their back deck, drinking wine or beer, while the kids drank juices and bounced on the trampoline. Their boys and my girls were like siblings and spent so much time together. It was so hard to say goodbye to them when we left, and as I walked in their front door and hugged Fran, I forgot how much I loved her and how much I had missed her, and again, I cried. And as I finished up mile 11 yesterday, I smiled at how hard we laughed and how it felt as though I had never left. We picked right back up, chatting and laughing while the kids talked and played chess and walked to the store for us. We ate pizza and drank coffee and caught up. And I loved it.

We had a fantastic trip back 'home' to visit family and friends, and then came back to West Virginia to our new family and friends, and I got to enjoy the best of them both as I ran my 11 miles yesterday. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life, and I am so thankful for what I have. The run really helped clear out the cobwebs, and I'm grateful that I have the ability to run, because not everyone does.




Monday, October 8, 2012

The Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award

After being away all weekend, I was so honored to come home and see that I've been awarded the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award from those sexy and awesome ladies over at The Mommy Chronicles! Those ladies are wonderful and I totally love reading their stuff, so if you get a chance, please go check them out. You will NOT be disappointed, I promise.



As with all of the awards I've seen or been lucky enough to receive, there are rules, as well as paying it forward, so here goes.

1. Thanks the blogger that gave you the award.
2. Post 7 things about yourself.
3. Pick 7 blogs to pass the award to, and let them know!

So without further ado, my most sincere thanks to those great gals at The Mommy Chronicles!! You ladies are the best and I am honored to be in such great company.

Now, here are 7 totally random things about me:
1. My desk is an absolute cluttered mess.
2. I ran 11 miles today in the cold rain because I'm running the Freedoms Run Half Marathon this weekend
3. My husband looks like Tom Hanks
4. I don't look like Rita Wilson (Mrs. Tom Hanks)
5. The first album I ever bought was Queen: News of the World
6. I had a huge crush on Scott Baio when he was Chachi, and truth be told, I'd still hit that
7. My favorite wine is red, my favorite brands are Kenwood and Rancho Zabaco.

Lastly, here are my 7 nominees for this award. Not easy considering there are so many amazing bloggers out there but here goes:
1. Abby Has Issues
2. Evil Joy Speaks
3. Mom-Spirational
4. Life on Peanut Layne
5. Frugalista Blog
6. Pesky Pippi
7. What I Had REALLY Meant to Say Was...

So go check out The Mommy Chronicles, and then go check out all these talented and funny ladies I've nominated for this award!

Tell 'em Snarky sent you.





Friday, October 5, 2012

Do you believe in ghosts? Spirits? Spooky Stuff?

It's October, the witching month!! (ok I totally made that shit up) but it is the time of year when you start seeing pumpkins, witches, ghouls, goblins and the like everywhere. In store fronts, at garden centers and even in your neighborhood, the Halloween decorations are all over the place. In getting into that spirit, I pose a question to all of my wonderful snarklings: Do you believe in ghosts?

Image courtesy: wdfyfe.files

One of my friends just posted on Facebook that she thought that her house was haunted. She said she saw a male ghost in her house and naturally freaked out. The next day her husband said he saw the same thing but thought it was a dream so he didn't mention it. Yesterday, she said her little girl saw it as well and was extremely freaked out about it (as anyone would be!) This is not an isolated incident among my friends. I have many friends and neighbors who say they see creepy things in their houses, and believe that they may actually inhabit haunted houses.

Image courtesy: Magickalgraphics.com
Not all of them are scary, some of them are playful and some are completely harmless. But there are just too many of them to just discount or write off. I do enjoy watching Jay and Grant on Ghost Hunters (well, I did before Grant left), and always get excited when they actually do happen to capture the rare image on video (that you can actually make out) or a creepy voice on the voice recorders. But do I actually believe in ghosts? Do I think that they are out there and they are all around us? Truthfully? I really don't know. I used to have night terrors (sometimes I still do) where I'd wake up half way and see things, bugs, beings, whatever and I'd start screaming! My husband LOVES when I do that. (Sorry honey). Is that related to any kind of haunting or am I just really in a deep fugue and imagine wasps flying around in my bedroom? Is there really someone walking into my bedroom, uninvited and unwelcomed? Or is my imagination really going to town? Who knows?

But I'd love to hear your stories. Tell me what you believe, what your thoughts are on ghosts and goblins and things that go bump in the night. Don't be afraid, I'll hold your hand......

Way creepy hand image courtesy: deviantart.com

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Fighting Back!

I want to give a shout out and a huge Snarkfest high five to Jennifer Livingston, a La Crosse, Wisconsin television anchor who had the balls to fight back. She received an email from a viewer who said she wasn't a 'suitable example for the community's young people, girls in particular' because she was overweight. First off, who the HELL does the author of the email think he or she is?? What does her size have to do with how she is seen by the public??  How does her size have any bearing whatsoever on the job she does? I, for one, think she's not only beautiful but strong for standing up to that bully. She answered his email with an on air response which, in my opinion, kicked ass and smacked down.

Watch her rebuttal in this video clip and judge for yourself.


She's absolutely right. Kids can be horrible and mean. Hearing things like this from a parent somehow makes it right to them. We are raising a generation of kids who will one day be our leaders. Let's teach them to be nice to one another, regardless of race, creed, color, religious belief or size.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I've Got Balls!

This week, the folks at Blogger Idol are once again offering the Blogger Idol Week 2 Play-at-Home Link Up. Remember last week, the topic was Family or Holiday Traditions? Well, this week's offering has a little bit of a twist. This week, we are to write about a day in the life.......of the opposite sex. So let's pretend that I woke up with balls this morning. And a penis. This is a day in the life of me, as a man.

Photo of my balls courtesy of Photodictionary.com
Please note: *these are not my real balls. Mine are spectacular.


Oh my God, I've got balls. I don't know exactly how it happened, but damn if I don't have balls. TWO of them!! NOW I get what all the fuss is about. I can't juggle them, I can't swat them with a club, a bat or a racquet, but I can touch them. As a matter of fact, I'm touching them right now! You know why? BECAUSE I CAN.

Along with the balls comes the penis. Yup, got one of those as well. It's not too big and it's not too small. It's just right, and it's mine. I can get out of bed and start walking towards the bathroom, pull my underwear down, step out of them and leave them lying right there on the floor. Why? Because I've got balls, and that's what we men who have balls do. Naturally, I go in and pee standing up, because that's what we men with balls do too. I check my hairy face in the mirror and think, damn, I'd make an ugly chick but boy, these balls and this facial hair really make me look hot. Girls dig facial hair. So I say screw shaving. This is my day, and nothing was mentioned in the rules that it has to be MY actual life, so for this one day in the life, I'm a dude, with junk, and I'm on my own.

So I'm heading downstairs where my dogs are and they greet me with tails wagging and drool flying. After letting them out, making myself some coffee and letting them back in, I'm going to feed them. Just me and my boys. My boys are fixed, and at this moment in time, I've got more junk than they do. I am the manliest man in all the land! Or at least in my house. They happily chow down on their Dog Chow while I make a manly omelet. Men love omelets and mine has all the meat I could find in the fridge. Ham. Okay maybe it's not the manliest omelet on the planet but it's mine.

A manly omelet. Not mine, but it could be.
Photo courtesy of Reimen publishing.


I wash my omelet down with a beer. Why? Because I'm a man and that's my right. And because I've finished my coffee and am out of juice. And where do you think I'm leaving my dirty dishes? Damn right, in my sink! I'm so full of testosterone I could wrestle a bear so why in hell would I want to wash a damn dish?

No, what I'm doing is watching football all day. Just me, my boys, my balls and my TV remote. We sit on the couch, them eating Milk Bones and me drinking beer with one hand and fondling my junk in the other. I just want to make sure they're still there. My phone rings around 3:00 in the afternoon and it's a chick. Apparently I was supposed to call her back after I had a date with her. I didn't. I'm a guy, it's a guy thing. I'm just not that into her, but she offers to bring over a pizza so I say sure. Knock yourself out, Susan, er, Sarah, er sorry, Sally. Whatever. Just bring the pizza.

An hour later, the doorbell rings and rouses me from a nap. The dogs look lazily at me from their Milk Bone-induced comas and since they're not making a move to answer the door, it's up to me. I grab a pair of shorts from the living room floor, because that's where I keep my shorts. I do a quick sniff test, find them passable and put them on to answer the door. I'm a dude but I'm not a caveman, give me some credit. I open the door and there is Sus...Sara...Sal... there she is with pizza in one hand and a six pack in the other. Why didn't I like this chick?

Photo of Sus..Sar...Sal...hot chick with pizza and beer courtesy of Thatsthespirit.com
We enjoy the rest of the first game and flip over to watch the next game. Turns out she likes one team, I like the other. Awesome. I've been looking for a way to get rid of her anyway, and if she doesn't like my team, I'm pretty much finished with her. What better way to get rid of a clingy chick then to prove just how awesome a man I am? I start farting and blame the dogs. Once the beer is gone, the pizza is eaten and the dogs have gone outside (because man do their asses stink!) I sit there watching her team demolish mine. I ask her to pull my finger and she leaves. What? What'd I do? It was a joke. Chicks just don't dig fart jokes.

Once all the football games are over, my dogs are sleepy and I've got a tired buzz going on. I take off my shorts and leave them, naturally, on the living room floor. I schlepp up the stairs to my bedroom, pee standing up one last time and head to bed. As I drift off to sleep, you know exactly where my hand is. Who knows if I will wake up in the morning with junk, so I need to enjoy it while I've got it.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens....

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string....
These are a few of my favorite blogs.


Ok so that's not exactly the way that Julie Andrews sang it in The Sound of Music but you get the idea. Please take a few moments out of your busy day and go check out some of my favorite bloggers. If you click on one a day, I promise you won't be disappointed. They are all talented, amazing and fantastic folks and you will not be disappointed. Trust me, have I ever lied to you before?

And do me another favor (yeah, I'm needy, so sue me) after you've read a blog, come back and tell me, in here, what your thoughts were. Did you like them? Did they make you smile? Laugh? Cry? Think? How did they make you feeeeeeeel?? And if you really liked them, take a second to let them know. Thanks!