Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Your pet hates you.

Let's get one thing straight right now. If you dress up your dog, your cat, your hamster, guinea pig, giraffe, Beta fish, whatever, he HATES you. He wants to tear out your throat. He wants to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Seriously.

My friends who know me well will tell you, I absolutely HATE to see animals dressed up. If they had thumbs and the ability to call a lawyer, they'd sue your ass in a heartbeat.  They only put up with you dressing them up because they don't have thumbs and can't feed themselves. Do they chew on your shoes? Do they pee or poop in the house? It's most likely due to the fact that at some point in time, you've done this to them:


This is not a happy kitty.
Photo courtesy: TrendHunter.com




Admit it, if someone did that to you and you were powerless to fight back or stand up for yourself, you'd want to kill them too. I'm not exactly sure why one does this to an animal. It's not funny (okay it's a little funny) but it's also borderline animal cruelty. Admit it. You're laughing at this cat. He's looking at you and in his little cat brain he's saying "Could you please have at least removed the Goddamn tag before you put this shit on me?? Who the hell am I? Minnie Pearl???" Because he knows who Minnie Pearl is. No self-respecting, costume wearing cat wouldn't know who Minnie Pearl is.

Then we have this poor little bastard:

Kareem Abdul Japug
Photo courtesy: VH1 (don't ask)

Seriously, what kind of sick bastard does this to a dog? Doesn't his owner know that he's not only going to get the shit kicked out of him by all the other neighborhood dogs, but he'll need therapy too because white pugs can't jump. For chrissakes, everyone knows that. Wrong. Just so wrong. If you do this to your pet, you deserve for him to jump on your balls and make you spill your beer all over yourself.

I have no words for this picture:

Seriously, wtf is that?  Photo courtesy: dailymail.co.uk



And this poor little bastard is wishing those other two heads were actually REAL so he'd have some help when he climbs up on the bed while you're sleeping and tears your arms off and beats you to death with them:

"I am not amused, asshole." Photo courtesy: funnyfidos.com
This may just be the first time in recorded history that dog and cat came together in unison and killed their master in a manner far too graphic for this family blog:

Yes, fluffy, sadly you do. Photo courtesy: Kodak.com

This dog, through no fault of his own, looks like a giant asshole. He knows it, the other dogs in the neighborhood know it. Hell, even his master knows it, yet still, he wears this costume. But don't worry, this flying Fido will have his revenge. When you go to sleep at night, he will use one of those wings to break into the refrigerator, he will eat every last grape in the produce drawer and he will commence to shitting all over the house. From one end of the place to the other, you will wake up to the glorious smell of dog shit and you will regret ever making him wear this dreadful outfit:

I am NOT a pilot, I am an angry dog. Photo courtesy: nynerd.com
These crime-fighting cats will exact their revenge on you when you least expect it. You have dressed them up like superheroes, but I can assure you, if you were ever in need of help, these furious felines would be the LAST ones you should look to for assistance. In fact, I'm thinking if the Riddler or the Joker had you tied up on railroad tracks and a train was coming, these kitties might just be driving the train:

Superheroes. No. Super pissed off? You betcha!  Photo courtesy: cdn.hahajk.com
I could go on and on, but I'm guessing you get the message. For the love of all that is holy, STOP the madness. If you think your pet would look adorable in pink tights and a tutu, think about how YOU would feel if someone bigger and stronger came in to your house and put pink tights and a tutu on your ass. Would YOU like it? Probably not. Give your pet that same consideration. And if you WOULD like it, well, that's a blog post for another day.

30 comments:

  1. HAHHA those last ones are the best ones!! lol

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    1. Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed, Eschelle!

      Teri

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  2. Ha, awesome post Teri! You had me giggling throughout the whole thing. Sophie would not agree with you though, she thinks dressing up her pets is a must and the best thing ever. Pete sometimes begrudgingly goes along. WTH is that in the box by the way, frightening!!

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    1. Kelley, Sophie and I will have to agree to disagree on this one. Good thing I love her!!

      Thanks for reading.

      Teri

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  3. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I really wish you would open up and express your feelings more clearly...

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    1. I know, Mindy, I really need to stop keeping things bottled up inside. It's just not good for me.

      Teri

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  4. Love it!! So glad I found you Snarky!

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    1. Frugalista, you shared this, I read it, laughed, went back to my news feed and THIS was literally four posts down, from Babble:

      http://blogs.babble.com/pets/2012/08/14/does-your-pet-love-shark-week-too-6-shark-costumes-for-your-dog-or-cat/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=babbleeditors&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=post#shark-hat

      I thought it was too perfect of timing not to share. Funny post, Snarky!

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    2. SERIOUSLY cracking up at that. Funny and so appropriate to the topic!! I love Shark Week and those costumes, admittedly, are funny. Don't tell my dogs I said that. Thanks for sharing that link and for reading my blog.

      Teri

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    3. Thanks Frugalista!!! I love your blog and appreciate your kind words for mine. :)

      Teri

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  5. Love it as per usual!! My daughter, heaven love her, would dress up her rat if I would let her. I have to explain all the time that rats don't need clothes and that Bartleby probably wouldn't like it very much if she tried to wrangle him into a dress and 4 itty bitty heels.

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    1. Please, if she does that, by all means, take a picture and post it on the internet. Cuz the internet NEEDS more pictures of rats in dresses and heels!! :)

      Thanks for your sweet words, RB!

      Teri

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  6. I'm still buying that matching crocheted set for you and Henry and Cosmo - hat and scarf for you, and matching sweaters for the doggies..... ;)


    ~~xo, Spammy

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    1. And we're still planning on biting you. Hard.

      XO Teri

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  7. Laughing hysterically. My poor (departed) pekingese was resigned to his fate. He weighed 10 pounds, couldn't exactly fight back. I mostly dressed him because it drove the guys in the family nuts. My daughter, however, used to make him sit on her lap and "Do the Macarena". Which is meaner?

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    1. Most definitely the Macarena. NO dog should be submitted to that.

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  8. I was laughing out loud BEFORE I even started reading, then I read and peed my pants!

    Dear Evolution,
    Those poor creatures need thumbs! Thumbs, damn it!

    Ellen

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  9. Oh thank GOD you shared this today...an actual out-loud laugh from me! This is one of the best things I have ever seen. No words. Must Tweet.

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  10. Ok, we did ONCE put a toddler-sized necktie on my cat, just for a minute, to take a picture. But I swear, she liked it. She's a princess; she takes pride in her appearance.

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  11. A-ha, someone else who feels like I do. Yes, STOP THE MADNESS PEOPLE! Or else... I'm sending my dog to bite you! Ok my dog's a wuss, I'm sending the cat!

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  12. I. AM. STILL. LAUGHING!!! L.M.A.OFFFFFFF
    Poor Tinkerbell, fairy, princess, thing, what ever the fuck!! Poor thing...

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  13. I am so with you on this!

    I have met people who have a $1000 dollars tied up in outfits for their dog and yet they never take the damn thing to the vet! Really, which is more important?

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  14. You don't know how I know this, but there's actually such a thing as a cat fashion show held at the Algonquin Hotel in NYC. I kid you not.

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  15. That princess costume is just...there really are no words. I hope I don't have nightmares about it tonight.

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  16. I have a strict policy against dressing up my cats. They know where I sleep and they're obese enough to be very effective smothering pillows. Great post!

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  17. My sister has a wardrobe for her dog that rivals that of most humans, but I think she gets a pass on this, since her dog is a hairless Peruvian inca orchid and gets very cold without some protection. The dog actually gets excited about putting on clothes.
    That said... I'd never put clothes on my cat. I know I'm late to the party commenting on this, but I just found your blog and it cracks me up. My personal favorite pet clothes example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fP4emqw7O4

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  18. I will preface this by saying, I do not dress up my cat. My cat is already trying to kill my on a daily basis. She loves to wind between my feet as I'm walking. She's a 17 pound Maine Coon cat, so she's enormous. I would never dream of dressing her up, she would take her revenge on me if I did.

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  19. I held it together until the three-headed dog. No more reading Snarkfest when my neck is sore. Laughing hurts too much :)

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  20. This was hilarious, Teri! White pugs can't jump. . . bwahahahhaha! Love it. :)

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